I'm leaving the next set in our series of posters. I'm pre-senting this gallery in alphabetical or-der. I'm hoping to stay in touch with you as I submit images once used to
augment previous posts.
It's all about bullies, negative people, the subject of today's posters. Without recovery, we try to please unsafe people who drain us of our emotional and mental capital. If they are angry, it's our fault, we think.
"When the applause of others is the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel good about myself, I've given them power over me." Courage to Change, p. 9
We lock horns. We justify ourselves. We cannot be involved in an emotional tug-of-war with our accusers and judges if we let go of the toxic rope. This is detaching.
Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him/Her
Detaching is possible when we realize that we are not responsible for the feelings of
If others are disappointed in us, it is their job to get over their unhappiness. None of us get what we want, all of the time.
We are happy when we exercise our voice, saying what we feel and want. To do otherwise is control-ling behavior. We are playing it safe in order to prevent an unwanted outcome.
Posts
2 comments:
Dear Innkeeper,
This post could not have come at a better time. Someone in my life has a tendency of reminding me that I don't respond to him the way he wants me to respond, or condescendingly projects guilt that is based on assumptions or false beliefs, triggering me by manipulating my goodness to his advantage. Doesn't work with me. I always wait for my higher power to answer, and my higher power always does. Reality is so much easier than people's neurosis.
I have responded to all of his contacts, and most of the times I choose to express my potential actions in creative, healthy ways. I respond in my own ways where there is minimal engagement with the other person. This is my right. I'm learning to obligate to my own needs, instead of obligating to others out of guilt or shame.
I agree with DETACH. Not even illness or death will change people. Once we deeply accept this, then we see that we have choices, and we allow ourselves to make the safest choice.
After receiving this person's message, this morning, as I waited in my car, in the parking lot of a store I was waiting to open, it hit me clear as day. This person never accepted or came to terms with an important person from his past, an important lesson that was not learned. If we don't accept people as they are, then we go around life controlling others, putting expectations on other people and not acknowledging the whole person. Instead we choose to minimize a whole person through a judgement. Sad. We live a life through resentments. We miss out on seeing our higher power in other people.
Life becomes an unenjoyable treadmill.
I am grateful for how recovery has brought me more clarity and acceptance of what is the truth in my heart when relating to unhealthy people.
Thank you for the post, Pablo. ;)
CD
Dear Unknown,
I'm glad you are seeing clearly this person in your life tries to manipulate you. Would it be possible to be more specific about your statement, "Reality is so much easier than people's neurosis."?
I agree with you. We want to do things because we want to, not out of obligation, guilt, shame or because we will be judged if we don't. To operate from such a negative basis is not coming from love or independence. We want to do things from a cheerful heart, from joy and a willing desire to do so.
Thank you, for your insights. It looks like you have learned how to get off the treadmill of guilt----you are freeing yourself from manipulation.
Thank you, for dropping by, for visiting the inn, commenting and spending time with the innkeeper. It makes the work I do here worthwhile. Do I know you?
The initials CD do not bring anyone to mind. Knowing who you are would provide greater clarity.
Wishing you a terrific week,
Pablo
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