The Value and Joy Known When Internally Referented......... 12/15/14

     It's been awhile since I have written about external referenting, not referencing.  Check the labels at the bottom of this inn. There are several listings about this concept.  Often, we are this way when

Celebrating Being Internally Referented: Freedom to Be Me

What the skies have looked like, lately. Not the best of weather for cycling. I will 

ride Saturday, regardless. I'm persistent. As long as there is no thunder, I don't want
circumstances to change my hair, and make me look like the Bride of Frankenstein. 

     Good evening,

I'm tired. After writing my gratitudes I'm heading for bed. I have a splitting headache, the result of not getting

Not Allowing Others to Determine Our Moods or Define Who We Are (Getting Healthier by Being Internally Referented.) ..... ..................6/1/11

         Good late evening, everyone.
Today's topic in just a minute----it follows the gratitudes listed below. Today was good. I met with a friend. Afterwards, I had hours alone to study and write. Ahh!  Having time alone is wonderful; I've been alone but never lonely. We are lonely when we cease to be at peace with ourselves.

       I'm improving in my dealings with

Not Letting Others Define Us or Determine Our Moods................. 7/15/14

        I am interacting with difficult people.  Lately, I have been practicing patience and grace while relating with emotionally abusive people.  Now, I can see humor in situations that at one time would have had me shaking with the adrenaline associated with fear.

       My circumstances haven't changed.  I have.  I've learned to not

Expressing Our Voice, Not Allowing Others to Determine Our Moods or Values ....................8/27/13

Good late evening, everyone.

Today nurtured my soul; I had hours alone, studying and writing.  Aah!  Solitude helps me get my bearings.  I've been alone but never lonely, not since I was fourteen.

        We feel the pangs of loneliness when we are not at peace with ourselves and when we are not experiencing community, that is, connecting on an emotional level, with another.  Sharing our deepest thoughts, dreams and feelings with another, with no fear of rejection provides us the emotional constancy--the security--we need.

       I'm improving in my dealings with

Freedom From Mental Chatter, Being Surrounded With Love.......... 7/10/18

      Constant pers-onal growth takes us to de-lightful places beyond our im-agination. 

    Like a mosqui-to nipping at a racehorse, sometimes the only taste of success others have may be when they take a bite out of us.

      During such times, we can remain happy, liking life, knowing the excitement of continually growing.  Like a child during the first day of school, we can become just as overwhelmed by recovery.  HALTing helps, providing our minds with the space to absorb the confluence of life-enhancing ideas.

      Personal growth enhances the shape and direction of our lives. Essential for personal happiness requires applying what we learn daily.  Such practical application hum-bles and exhilarates us as we use new insights into the immediate humdrum of everyday living. 

       And our lives grow richer, more satisfying, everything fits together, for the most part.

       Recently, someone verbally and publicly attacked me.  Not for what I said, but for why she thought I said what I said.

       My, that is dan-gerous ground.  No one knows the thoughts of an-other.  This woman believed she certain-ly knew my motives, and her imagination had her certainly mistaken.

       Life gets better when we do not accept unacceptable behavior.  This is a big part of living with recovery.

       Recovery also believes others the first time they tell us who they are.  It is easy, overlooking abuse; we think the negativity we sense must be wrong.

         It isn't.  We want to be internally referented, trusting our judg-ment.

       Our intuition is a gift.  When mistreated, we genuinely sense the undesirable behavior or negative comments of others.

        It's hard grasping that others can be intention-ally unpleasant.  Welcome to the world of relating with controlling people or individ-uals reacting to the trauma, shame, or neglect they experienced as a child.  Their pain rubs off on us as verbal or emotional abuse.

       It is vital, see reality, and we all have issues.  My critic experi-enced transference.

        Being her scapegoat al-lowed her to vomit her anger. She has plenty of it towards her husband, whom she is divorcing.

       Seeing this allows me to be compassionate.  I want to intercede on her behalf, praying for her.  However, it doesn't justify her behavior, and I do not take her behavior personally.

       It is a statement about the victimizer---her, not the person receiv-ing her judgments---me.

       We do not want anyone to treat us as their whipping boy.  Impor-tant to remember we get what we tolerate.  The next time I encounter this woman who attacked me, I will express my feelings.

        All human beings, including myself, must be treated with dignity and respect. That did not happen.

      Those who witnessed her behavior were caught off guard, startled into inaction.  They were   hypoaroused. This will not happen again, they reassured me.

      Being present when we are star-tled reflects personal solid growth. We lean into princi-ples, placing them above the dormant, passive, aggressive or reactive parts of another's personality, or ours.

       Crying is good, too.  I have done this a lot recently, and therapeutic it is.

       We relieve stress and trauma when we do.  Letting joyous tears flow heals us.  When our outsides are congruent with our insides, we enjoy greater serenity.

       Having confidence when experiencing emotional turbulence is a mark of recovery.

      We are present.  We are like an ocean, waves churn within us, but they do not drive us.

      This emotional space allows us to choose our behavior wisely.  We are not stuck with maladaptive behavior that does not move us beyond our problems.

       We are happier when we are authentic. This includes speaking our perspective gently but with confidence.  Others do not need to agree with us.

       It is enough letting others know where we stand in the world, this is being true to ourselves and being    internally referented. 

       We enjoy peace of mind and equanimity when we are comfortable with ourselves, not sacrificing our values.  This is being free from artifice when relating with others.

       It is critical, husbanding our time, guarding it carefully.  The na-ture of the day is to do that which is in active opposition to that which is good.  Time, quickly and frustratingly, can be frittered.

        Many seductive pressures vie for our attention.  They seem urgent but are inconsequential: time spent on the internet, notifi-cations we get on the phone---including texting,  watching TV, binging on Netflix, you get the idea.

       It has been the husbandry of time that keeps me away.  Squirreling away, working on client's cases, writing new material to use at work, or absorbing a good book, Take Your Life Back.  It is revolutionary, clarify-ing why we defeat ourselves and what can be done to enjoy life fully.

       This post is full of gratitude, which is the purpose of this inn of thanks.  But, here's a final one, the following quote.  It intoxicates me:

“There is a relationship between the eye contacts we make and the perceptions we create in our heads, a relationship between the sound of another's voice and the emotions felt in our hearts, a relationship between our movements in space all around us and the magnetic pulls we can create between others and ourselves.

"All of these things (and more) make up the magic of every ordinary day and if we are able to live in this magic, to feel and to dwell in it, we will find our-selves living with magic every day. These are the white spaces in life, the spaces in between the writ-ten lines, the cracks in which the sunlight filters into. Some of us swim in the overflowing of the wine glass of life, we stand and blink our eyes in the sun-light reaching unseen places, we know where to find the white spaces, we live in magic.” 

     This reflects my heart's desire.

     We find our-selves in this state when we are free from mental chatter, worrying about what others think of us or how well we are performing. This blissful state occurs when we are courageous--- at ease with our-selves, free from negative self-judg-ments.   It is in these moments we are authentic, with ourselves, and in our relationships with others.

        I lied.  I said a moment ago I expressed my last gratitude.  Here's one more: being thankful, knowing we are deeply loved by many, especially by the God of our understanding.

        Experiencing this fact at the cellular level allows us to relax into the demands faced daily.  Nothing is too complicated when we are enveloped by love.

        Wishing you a terrific Tuesday; I know mine will be.  Please, I'd love to hear your gratitude.

      

Being Authentic, the Distasteful Qualities of Being Controlling........ 6/25/14

      More than two months ago, I wrote about authenticity, versus being controlling.  I'll say more, tonight.  Control patterns arise whenever we are fearful about being:

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm, II ......... 5/19/11

I'm thankful for life giving principles that allow me to stand firm, regardless of the pressures surging around me.

    Good morning everyone,

I came across this article, this morning. There's hope for me, I'm happy to say. I love languages and speak and read in a few of them; I always held there was value in learning them. My favorite is Classical Greek, an extremely precise language. I hope you enjoy the following link:  Click here.   Research is keeping me busy this morning, I like it.  Maybe a reader can tell me what the writer in the above link means by "learning a language as a discreet subject."

       Most of you know the routine in this inn. I ask readers to share their gratitudes. If you'd share three, I'd be  a happy innkeeper. But, if you are new to this place, I'll settle for one. So, that's the deal for today.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

       I've been having the unhappy circumstance of relating with a person who is frantic and under tremendous stress. A lot of my training, as a child and adolescent, conditioned me to want to placate others; 

The Benefits of Authenticity Revisited............. 1/26/18

      A long while ago, I wrote about authenticity, versus being controlling.  I'll say more, tonight.  Control patterns arise whenever we are fearful about being:

Standing In Power, Recovery and Integrity. Not Affected When Criticized 5/8/13

"He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help."
Abraham Lincoln

Gratitudes for Wednesday
1.  Someone judged me tonight, after I attended an Al-Anon Family group meeting.  I love it, when that happens.  Really.

      It's not supposed to occur there. Those gatherings are to be a safe place, free from criticism. Then again, the person giving me feedback is new to the program.  She said I was edgy.   Maybe this critic was referring to the edge of my Mohawk haircut.

What Was My Mood?

        I'm kidding, about the hairdo, not about her comments.  I was anything but on edge.  Was I in a great mood tonight?  Yes.  Was I enthusiastic, like a Giants baseball fan, about to see a game at the beautiful AT&T Park, where they play?  Indeed.  Was I energetic?  True, also.   I was on a high from

Keeping Ourselves Free From Emotional Vampires.............. 7/22/19

     There's a fellow that when I see him, I get the creeps.  I feel like the little boy in the movie, "Sixth Sense."  I ask, "Does anyone notice the death surrounding him?"

     "Am I crazy?  Is it just me?" I wonder.

     No, it isn't.  His

A Look At Balanced Living.................. 8/20/18

      Once again, staying in touch with you is my goal.

      I'm doing that by submitting a collection of posters used in previous posts. Today's gallery focuses on balanced living.

      Boy, do we need it.

      Peace of mind isn't in some stranger's power to say, it's in how we seize the time given to us.

      Balanced living requires knowing and adhering to

Becoming Comfortable with Discomfort........ 9/14/17

        What does it mean to feel elated, frustrated, excited, and disappointed simultaneously?  That we are embracing emo-tional maturity.  With it,   dif-ficulties do not distract us from life's beauty. 

          When living by healthy principles---using recovery---crises do not shock us.  We do not dive into the greasy chute of despair created by our nega-tive thinking, and challenges no longer distract us from the good surrounding us at all times.

         Recovery teaches us the value of connecting with healthy others. When we are internally referented and grounded with God, our nega-tive outlook becomes positive. As we do, our emotional fortitude develops. 

        As we work on our character, we establish our "Must-Haves" and "Can't-Stands."  It provides the oxygen necessary for our relationships to move in a wholesome direction. 

        As we cultivate clarity about our values, our sense of direction and confidence grows. 

         Recovery encourages us to link individual successes with every difficulty we face.  Over time, this practice of resourcing crowds out dread; confidence begins to replace fear. 

         Routinely exercising this practice of resourcing pro-motes strength of character during crises we never dreamed possible.  

         One of the fruits of recovery is stopping negative mental chatter from depriving us of the ongoing beauty life offers.  Being confident in ourselves and knowing freedom from the need to please, we delight in parts of life we once routinely ignored---like the beauty of skyscapes---the formation of clouds.  

         Recovery helps us develop the habit of having a grateful, joyous heart even when the roots of our emotions are shaken by stress or relat-ing to unpleasant people.  We can enjoy life even when rattled and processing problems.

         Ruminating and perseverating over our fears and anx-ieties become a thing of the past when internally referent-ing becomes our default mode.

         Embracing differing emotions means frantic thoughts no longer rent large spaces within the territory of our mind.  Life's difficulties do not rob us of delighting in life's treasures. Recovery principles prevent us from letting others define us or determine our moods.

        With recovery, we become comfortable with discomfort.

      Personal growth allows us to know ease when encounter-ing emotional distress. Our feel-ings function like the dial on an old fash-ioned radio. Living by healthy princi-ples, we tune out the static of negative thinking.

       We use the discipline recovery offers to overcome anxious thoughts and perseverating.

Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives us something to do but it gets us nowhere.                                  Hope For Today, p. 98

        We dial in on the soothing music of the good surrounding us, even during tough times.  Like:

1.  The good, nurturing, upbeat, gracious, non-judgmental friends who support us.

2.  Beautiful patterns in the clouds.
3.  The scent of a freshly cut lawn.
4.  A simple gift we bought for ourselves that prevents us from having a spirit of poverty.
5.  The love, smiles received from family.
6.  Great, in-depth conversations filled with presence and authenticity.
7.  Turning off the computer or TV and curling up with a good book on        a cold day.
8.  Taking in the magnificence of outstanding music.

         We can choose.  We can tune into the frequency of fear or choose the mental bandwidth that provides solace and equanimity.

        Recovery returns us to the innocence of a two-year-old before becoming aware of life's complex nature.

        With emotional resiliency, we luxuriate in the beauty and peace we can soak in--right now--despite our circumstances.  Past and pre-sent scars no longer distract us from enjoying the best that each day offers.

       With personal growth, flowers along country roads can be taken in because mental chatter no longer distracts us.  Once produced by the ugliness of life, mental dialog becomes replaced with a new and better quality: gratitude.  We. Slow. Down.  

      We enjoy the now, the present, relishing life's beauty.

      Savoring recovery, we become free from the mental stream of worry.  Walking in the city becomes a soul-satisfying exercise.

      Wild-flowers sprouting from sidewalk cracks, once easily over-looked, can be appreciated.  Recovery frees us from the dis-traction that despair and fear create.

    Recovery helps us overcome distorted thinking that origin-ated in childhood.  When this happens, obsession no longer rules us.  Instead, we develop a greater appreciation for na-ture.  We replace unsatisfactory cop-ing patterns with new and better alternatives.

       We taste joy and strength we did not know existed when we do this.

      Living with the strength, confidence, and optimism personal growth offers, we no longer become distracted from life's beauty because of the grip of fear and apprehension.  Our perspective becomes balanced; we take in the excellent and satisfying parts of life along with its thorny issues, including emotional vampires. 

       Recovery slaps away the hands of anxiety.  With it, fear loses its grip on our soul.  Personal growth involves placing healthy principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality.

      When that happens, dread disappears. It is replaced with emotional vigor and love for life.  Recovery gives us new eyes and an open but discerning heart.
       Simple things once ignored get no-ticed.  New colors to life surface we never thought possible.  Life vibrates as never before when we have recovery.

       With presence, we drink in the riches life offers the laughter of a baby, the cooing of an infant pas-sing by in a stroller, a wildflower springing from a city sidewalk. 

       Smiles of others are appreciated because we no longer go through life mechanically, without feelings.  No longer do we go through life trying to please others we do not know, spending time and money we do not have in ways that do not nurture us.

       Life and joy intoxicate us when we live with recovery.  Mini spontaneous celebrations become a natural part of our daily routine.  Simple pleasures abound when we enjoy presence, free from worries and the need to control.  Spiritual regeneration takes place.
     

       Simple pleasures be-come ignored when we let the demands of life push these treasures from our consciousness.  The joy of life often disappears when we become captive to painful memories.

        Relationships can devel-op, rich, and textured.  When that happens, authentic con-nections heal emotional scars.  These deeper friendships occur when we become codependency-free.  

        Liberation from this disease creates authentic connections because we are present, not trapped by distorted thinking or the need to please others.

         We become healed when we weave recovery into the fabric of our lives.   Using discernment, we re-move the frayed threads of unsafe people who have attached to us.  Toxic relationships develop our distorted thinking, includ-ing negative self-judgments. 

        Healthy relationships help us unload false beliefs. They rid us of twisted think-ing that our defensiveness and fear load into the truck of our minds when we are inse-cure.

        When codependent thinking is replaced with boundaries, fears diminish when we spend time with others.  Banished is the need for approval, and we have confidence in our best efforts whether others agree or not. 

         We give ourselves credit, even if we don't receive vali-dation from others.

         Recovery builds our self-esteem and eliminates unnecessary self-judgment.  Accepting unacceptable behavior no longer becomes our default mode.  Freed from the baggage of trying to please others, our mind enjoys greater peace.

         We are happier.

         Recovery frees us from reacting.   Obsessive fear becomes replaced with calmness.  We surf the uncertainty entailed in any relation-ship.

        We become more comforta-ble with discomfort.

        We now respond, and there is less reaction when life's drama ap-pears.  Our friendships are enriching.

         Our healthy friends offer grace and truth.  These connections become a soothing balm from life's scratches.

         Compassion and the absence of judgment in our friendships make our supportive network a safe haven.  Discernment keeps us from engaging in black hole friendships that suck our energy.

        Applying boundaries are the key to creating a safe com-munity of friends.  Recovery helps us navigate away from the treacherous waters of unhealthy relationships.

        Living with healthy princi-ples, the result of recovery, we remain present when challenged in a relationship.  We don't let "what ifs," fears, and assump-tions distract us.  Equanimity, peace of mind are enjoyed.

        Because, again, we do not let others define us.

"When the applause of others is the reason for our behavior and necessary for us to feel satis-fied, then we have given them power over us." 

                                  Courage to Change, p. 9

        We do not let mental chatter rob us from getting the most out of life.

       We know the complexities of life require more than black and white thinking.  We learn to pick out the burs of goodness embed-ded even in the ugliest blankets Life may toss our way. With emo-tional maturity, uncertainty and discomfort are wel-comed friends.  With it, we have enduring peace of mind. 

         With recovery, we are not triggered by awkward, anxious moments.  We become comfortable, not stres-sed when an outcome is unknown. We look forward to riding the clouds of life, exploring our personal stars, and climbing the moun-tains set before us as we move beyond insecurity and our controlling ways.

         Most of all, we enjoy being present.

        Recovery involves em-bracing what we encounter. We discover our role within life's circumstances.  The world does not revolve around us.

         We surf the waves life tosses our way.  We adapt to life's situa-tions.  We listen carefully to God and decipher what he is saying to us through the orchestration of events.

         It's that simple.

         As a result of personal growth, we see that certainty can be sameness and death.  Being stagnant creates an end to our character development, and it happens when we remain the same, not pushing ourselves to evolve for the better.

        We stagnate when we do not replace unfulfilling and ineffective habits with new and better behavior.  A safe person, however, con-stantly grows.
         

       With recovery, we learn to be less sure, more ourselves. When we are our au-thentic selves, we enjoy what life offers, including its chal-lenges.

         We have no need for control; our focus is on the com-mon welfare of everyone when fac-ing a problem.  We do not feel the need to protect ourselves against the vagaries of life.  When we reach this stage, we are present.

        And life becomes richer and more satisfying than we ever dreamed.

Not Allowing Others To Define Us or Trigger Our Moods, Revisited 2/25/14

Gratitude is the fairest blossom
 which springs from the soul.
Henry Ward Beecher

       Here I am, again. And, am I glad.
My Gratitudes for Tonight: 
1.  The time had with a client went well.  Helping others make the most out of their lives is a joy.  I like being effective and supporting others at the same time.  Doesn't that sound like a good job?  I thankful for providing

Getting What We Tolerate (And, Thankful for My Reptilian Mind) ..................4/3/12

 “Grace isn’t a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal.
 It’s a way to live. ”       — Attributed to Jacqueline Winspear

       Good evening one and all,
Did you have a good day?  I did. I'll get to keeping our cool when with an angry person and about using our reptilian mind after these gratitudes.

Using Boundaries: Not Accepting Unacceptable Behavior........... 3/17/20

     Recently, I asserted the need for acceptable behavior when relating with a boorish individual, one who constantly criticized, put down others and judged. 
 
     I relate with pleasant people, those who are compassionate, patient and focus on cleaning their side of the street, not the porch of

High Points for Last Week.............. 8/31/15

Highs for the past seven days: a survey.

Highs:
1.  I made time for rest.  Sleeping more, going to bed earlier.  Balance is critical if I am to thrive emotionally, spiritually, mentally and professionally.

2.  My right hand is improving. In constant pain, I remain since July 27th.  But the deep, persistent burn is not as intense.  My wrist was broken when I fell off my bike and extended my two hands out, bracing myself as I

This Week's Buzzword: Patience. Enjoying a Great Big Life. Also, The Weekly Roundup: Highs and Lows ...................2/8/14

      Patience. This week had its drama, requiring the exercise of this silent and underused virtue.  Monday and Tuesday were demanding, physically and emotionally, I was spent by 6:00 p.m.

      Friday extruded me emotionally to places where I have never been before.  Really, I've been there, but in the past my reactions were

The Brightening Power of Joy In a Darkened World, Including The Property of Our Mind ...........11/9/13

Joy is the bright spot within our mind when we're surrounded by the darkened world
 of difficulties. It is attitudinal, not externally based upon circumstances.    See below. 

My Gratitudes for Today:
Gratitude for Negative People

1.  For enjoying peace, even when relating with difficult, moody, gloomy people, and I'm not talking about clients.  Unhappy others---the Eeyores of my life---highlight the benefits of

Two Stories: One About the Elephant In the Living Room That Was Actually a Dog 10/16/13

Image: "Cumbria: Dalt Wood" by Tim Blessed
Copyrighted photo, used by permission. 

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition."

Steve Jobs

   Good evening. After posting this, I'll cycle, welcoming the new day, feeling the chill of fall while hearing the waves slapping the shores of the island town where I live.

     So many stories tucked within my soul, all of them