Not Letting Others Define Us or Determine Our Moods................. 7/15/14

        I am interacting with difficult people.  Lately, I have been practicing patience and grace while relating with emotionally abusive people.  Now, I can see humor in situations that at one time would have had me shaking with the adrenaline associated with fear.

       My circumstances haven't changed.  I have.  I've learned to not
allow others to determine our moods or define who I am.  As Mary DeMuth says:

"Maybe this time we'll be able to laugh and choose joy. Maybe we won’t let the circumstances of our lives dominate our moods."

I hope so. But first, my gratitudes.

1.  I rested. 

2.  I enjoy where I am living. 

3.  I kept to a simpler schedule today.  It was necessary. I am worn out. 

  
Not Allowing Others to Define Us
Being Internally Referented: Freedom from the Tyranny of Other People's Reactions and Opinions. 

    We enjoy freedom from stress when we don't get triggered by others.  When we stand in our power, we are no longer children; permitting others to place us in a one-down position. We are free from the tyranny of needing approval. Part of being an adult is disagreeing.  It is healthy doing so.  We are equal with every other person, even with authority figures. 

       Shame, guilt, blame, judgment or anger, may have motivated us, in the past.  When we value our own opinions, these tragic methods hold less sway.  These forms of manipulation are seen for what they are----emotional coercion, which is a form of violence. 

        Relationships are satisfying when life-alienating communication no longer prompts our decisions and behavior.  It helps having an inventory of our values, maintaining our boundaries. These "must haves" and "can't stands" are important, for our sanity, whether others agree with them or not. 

        Living by boundaries allows us to enjoy our power and integrity, our values now precede our attachment to others---even those we love. 

        Knowing our boundaries, by making an inventory of them, allows us to adhere to principles. It helps prevents surrendering our values because of fear of rejection or the anger of others. Boundaries strengthen us, weaning us away from codependency. 

      As we invest in our personal growth we get stronger, no longer moved by the reactions others.  We are more honest.  Biting our lip, due to regret, slowly becomes a thing of the past.  We experience less resentful moments caused by saying yes, when we really meant no.

       Determining our values enables us to be internally referented (yes, that is a word).  We live consistent with our needs, feelings and values.  We are our true selves, expressing our opinion; proud of who we are. 

With the help of a loving mentor and the support of [friends], I'm learning to find my place in the world----a place where I an live with dignity and self-respect. 

  'I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware, I sit content, and if each all be aware, I sit content.'

     Of course, we are courteous.  But that doesn't mean surrendering principles, when another disagrees with us.  We simply say our "no" as gently as our yes, and we do so, with kindness and gentleness. 

"When we need the applause of others to feel good about ourselves, we've given them power over us." 

          Courage to Change, p. 9

      We don't want that to happen to us, do we?  I didn't think so.

How About You? 

1.  What are important values---boundaries---for you?
2.  What helps you to relate with others, including authority figures, as equals?
3.  How do you respond when you experience disapproval from others?
  I'd love hearing your answers.

Related Post

Maintaining Our Values

Image: "Countryside: Evening Sun" by Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. All rights reserved.