But, I lie. I did stand on the edge of
a cliff. I'm not sure I took the right action, by doing nothing. There are sins of omission as well of commission. This is where my friend of several decades, Stuart, rescued me. I think. He held me back as my Latin temperament wanted to take action, express my voice and not tolerate disappointment.
Frustration has been a semi-constant, unwelcome companion, the past ten years. At least it seems that long. In reality, it is two-plus months. As usual, life is not following my plans. Good. Not getting my way keeps pride in check. I am reminded, each time, I am small, which is the meaning of my name.
Life is more complicated than I can figure out. The parameters of my thinking are so narrow that all my writings could fit the margins of the nearest book. This is where leaning upon the God of our understanding and the support of good company gets me through the emotional hurricanes of life.
What am I talking about? Patience.
When in a relationship. I am firmly, but persistently reminded it isn't all about me. There is someone else in the equation, also. Relationships are great governors of any sense of narcissism or grandiosity. They remind me I am part of something larger than myself. Friendships are a terrific way of right-sizing me.
This seventh month, in Al-Anon Family Groups the focus is on the Step Seven:
In recovery, I learned God chooses the area in my life that gets changed. Not me. Not just in this seventh month, but at all times. And patience it is, for now. Sheesh. Give me a break."Humbly asked God to remove all our shortcomings."
Well, He is giving me a break. The God of my understanding is breaking down pride and insecurities that lurk within the closet of my soul. We are like clay. If we are soft, He mold us. If we are hard, stubborn, He breaks us down, making us malleable. His actions are never malicious. He loves us. Even though it doesn't feel that way, right now, for me.
From my long-term history with Him, I know every time I question what transpires in my life I can be confident in His love for me. He does, deeply. And He feels this way towards you, too.
My Gratitudes for Saturday:
1. Naps. I took another three hour nap today. Yaay! My work rings my clock. I was with a suicidal client on Thursday. He was my last client. We met at 5:00 p.m. Afterwards, the time had me totally depleted. Especially since it lasted two hours.
2. I don't let others push me. Yaay again! I don't let the expectations of others move me. I march to the beat of my own drummer, no matter how measured and far away, as Thoreau exhorts us.
For those wanting something from me, and I am not ready to give, it would help them to remember an expectation is a resentment waiting to happen. And for me, heeding this lesson contributes to the sanity, serenity and the presence of mind I need in order to thrive.
I release my expectations, turning them over to God. That is Step One, in recovery.
3. I look forward to having my needs for connection met tomorrow, for several hours, with the most amazing person I have ever met.
4. I appreciate my good friend Stuart. He restrained me from being immature and foolish.
5. I am thankful for the good sense to call him, and he was available for a two hour conversation.
6. I am grateful for the love I receive from so many people.
7. I am happy I do not perseverate, allowing my thoughts to disturb the joy I know.
8. I cherish boundaries. They allow me to live with order and they are sharply shaved wooden stakes that allow me to do away with the emotional vampires I face on a routine basis.
9. That my attitude is my choice. That acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny.
10. That every time I use healthy principles to surmount the vulnerable parts of my character, I am creating a better today.
Did I tell you I was thankful for my friend, Stuart? :->
How About You?
What are your gratitudes. I would love hearing them.