Dealing With Disappointment ---500th Post .........9/28/12

A stiff apology is a second insult…. The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.~G.K. Chesterton

          Recently, someone sent me a disappointing letter.  In it she tried apologizing for ruining my birthday
celebration in May.  A couple of weeks ago, she wrote me saying she needed time, four months after this event.

           If what she wrote me was her best effort, it was disconcerting.   For fifteen years we've known each other.  For the past six years, I've mentored her.  The arrangement ended in June, after she ridiculed me when I tried expressing my discomfort about what transpired. For more about that, and the positive opportunities we can have, when going through a difficult time with another, read here. (I like what I wrote there.)

          While sponsoring her, we covered making amends.  We also discussed how others often can distract us from expressing our concerns---attacking or provoking us---when confronted. (Courage to Change, p. 155.)  Unfortunately, an opportunity for growth---working through a problemed area between us devolved into a time of ridicule and defensiveness.  Her reaction was disappointing, especially considering the length of our relationship.

          Her response reveals the disparity that arises between what we learn and how it is fleshed out in everyday living.  I'm mindful that my growth, or lack of it, is revealed in every breath I take, in how I hold my shoulders, the way I smile towards others, in how I write letters or not write them, when they are due.

          My characterological development is demonstrated by my behavior, including moments when no one is around---not simply through the words I speak.  (One Day At A Time,  p. 280.)  Talk often comes, not from the heart, but from the neck up.

          For me, character demonstrated is preferred to eloquence.  One life revealing the way is better than ten tongues trying to explain it.   It will more likely reveal the authentic content of a person's heart. Others may mistake my words, but there's no mistaking my behavior.

“Classic remorse, as all the moralists are agreed, is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. ROLLING IN THE MUCK IS NOT THE BEST WAY OF GETTING CLEAN.”   Aldous Huxley

         Frankly, the letter received was not acceptable. I don't accept unacceptable behavior or letters.  As  result, I enjoy more serenity, tranquility and friendships that nurture and restore.

         When making amends, we take responsibility for our actions.  We ask the person we've offended, "what can we do to make things right?"  That didn't happen.

          As I've written elsewhere, when disappointed, it's my responsibility dealing with the disappointment, not the person who caused it.  Due to recovery,  and by the grace of God, I have zero desire to control others.  But by being actively dealing with my disappointment, I'm exerting control over the one person I do have control over: me.

           Taking such action makes my life more manageable.  Even here, my control over myself is limited.  It is subject to the grace, power and help I receive from God, and those he's given me, my Balcony People.

          Amends means we clean our side of the street.  We don't use our apology to tell the other person what they did wrong, justifying our misbehavior, which is what I read from her letter.  When making something right, even if we perceive that we are only "one percent" wrong, we apologize for that.

           We don't mention the other person's contribution. The only person we want to assert authority over is ourselves. We keep our focus there.
Gratitudes for Friday: 
1.  I'm thankful for an opportunity to self-express.
     I'll reply to the letter I received.  I'll let her know it doesn't meet my need for authenticity, openness, sensitivity or empathy.  I'll adhere to my values, while being considerate towards her, as I share my discomfort with what she wrote.
2. I celebrate learning that I get what I tolerate.  I relate with those who are compassionate, offer reciprocity, are positive and gracious. On my part, I try having the qualities that I would want in a friend. Not only do I offer the characteristics I just listed, but I always try be patient, have humor and include exercise, too, if we can, like cycling, hiking, or going for a walk.
3. I appreciate having a wide network of Balcony People.  Bonding with them makes it easy for me to detach from those who could harm my sanity, emotional safety, and tranquility. They are the safety net that cushion my interaction with the unpleasant parts of reality.
4. I'm glad for the mentoring I receive. From it, I've learned we "train people how to treat us."
5. I'm grateful for boundaries. They create a wonderful door, that contributes towards healthy relationships. This portal allows the good to stay in, and keeps unhealthy people and unacceptable behavior from invading my life and harming me, mentally, spiritually or emotionally.
6. In one-and-a-half years, I've posted 500 entries.  Thanks for joining me as I attempt to contribute optimism, to this world, one post at a time.