Growth: Removing What Makes Us Comfortable With Unacceptable Circumstances ................................9/18/12

My default mode, in relationships, if I'm not careful.  

     Good morning all,

Have you missed me? I'm tired. My head is pinching me, from
lack of good sleep. Lately, I've been working until late at night. The past week was eventful, but good and stress relieving.

     I'm happy seeing new guests posting gratitudes. Kudos to Morgan and Catherine. A special big thank you to Carl.  He demonstrates amazing consistency in sharing not only his love for family and God, but his passion for music.

     I know some of you drop by without posting. Please let us know your gratitudes.  Some of you haven't in a long while.  Is there something that prevents you? Do you think I'll be upset if you do? I won't bite, if you share what makes you glad today.

     Lately, I've been wrestling with my vulnerabilities.  I'm rediscovering how susceptible I am to rescuing troubled and depressed others, even now, after years of recovery due to my involvement with Al-Anon Family Groups.

     I'm shocked, how easily I'm drawn to fix others, even though my time would be fruitless and probably unfulfilling.  This moth is doing his best staying away from the flame of unhealthy and unbalanced relationships.  It's so much a part of my DNA.

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     As a child, I wanted the alcoholic in my life to be happy, to get better. My entire focus was all about this person. My needs, feelings and thoughts took second place. My neurons are grooved, trained, to slip into the role of accommodating the depressed person, if I don't place healthy principles above the vulnerable parts of my personality.

    Fortunately, I now know better. There was a person I wrote awhile back. He never replied to a lengthy letter I wrote.  He complained whenever he spoke.  I offered support. He would have none of it.

      The following is an excerpt from a letter written this summer.  It touches upon this subject:

     Do you want emotional healing and relief from your despair?  I know that sounds like a dumb question.  You may recall that several millennia ago, a paralyzed man sat by the pool of Bethesda for many years, wanting to be healed. Christ came along and asked what appears to be an odd question: "do you want to be healed?" The man said, "Yes, Lord, I do."

      Christ said, "Then, pick up your mat and walk." And the man did. He was healed. Sounds simple, doesn't it? 

       It isn't.

       What Christ said to this man was that we need to remove the things that allow us to be comfortable with our problem, our dilemma. For me, I cannot become the man I want to be by remaining the way I am.  Personal growth requires much effort, going beyond my comfort zone. 

    What I've discovered as a counselor is that many rue their plight. But, actually they are comfortable with it. This is their normalcy. This includes their depression.  It's all they've known.  This is how diseased we can be, if we don't take steps to move beyond our plight. 

        Are you willing to venture into a new frontier?  Are you?  

        Are you willing and ready to do what it takes to go beyond thinking and feeling patterns that you've had all your life? As I say to those I mentor/sponsor, a person's desire to get healthier has to be stronger than my desire to help. Otherwise, I'm engaged in futility. It will never work. No, lasting change will happen.

     I can't push others along in their characterological growth, nor do I desire to.   I've long ago retired the cape.  Such change, overcoming decades of self-defeating patterns will not happen by simply using our mind.  Each defect must be replaced with new and better alternatives and behavior. (One Day At A Time, p. 280 and 351). 

        I can share alternatives that I’ve developed that have improved hundreds of lives.  But they will not "take" without anyone consciously, deliberately, actively applying them.  There isn't a silver bullet, a magical formula that easily eradicates our problems.  Growth requires much effort.  The resultant serenity and happiness is worth it. I know, from personal experience. 

    Seeing my inclination, that I'm drawn to troubled people who don't want to improve their circumstances, even though they are in emotional distress reminds me my mind is diseased.  Without recovery, I'm back, emotionally, at being nine years old, trying to please the person I knew who was unhappy.

    I'm glad I'm aware of this fact about me.  Acceptance is necessary before personal growth, increased sanity and serenity are my reality.

On the other hand.............

      I had a wonderful date on Saturday. I thought you might like some information about my social life. If you are not nosey, skip the next six paragraphs. :->

      We rode bikes. The poor woman, we went eighteen miles (29 km), the first time she ever tagged along with me.  She even spurted ahead of me, at length, reaching 25 mph (40.5 kph), several times. That was impressive, I like spunk.  I also didn't mind the view.  ;->

      I loved the honesty and openness of our conversation, her smile, the brightness in her eyes and the laughter shared.  God, it's great being with someone who is not allowing life's shadows to overwhelm her!  I was heartened by her authenticity, and how she mentioned what she's doing to overcome her areas of vulnerability. Again, I was impressed.

     It was wonderful listening to her. I used my recovery and piped up. I'm no longer the martyr, allowing others to use me as an audience of one, so that they can just talk about themselves.

    Afterwards, I had a "refresher," which really was a fruit drink, she, some tea. My faith in people was  restored because of the time we spent. I'll ask her if she'd like to go for a spin on two wheels again, maybe even this weekend.

    I took her to paradise. (No, not that way, silly.)  There is a magnificent place six miles from where I live.  She loved it there.  The place is serene, majestic---bordered by beautiful, mosquito-free lagoons, beautiful homes. The path is lined with weeping willows, agapanthas (lily-of-the-Nile), and daffodils.

    While riding, we were serenaded by the bright chirping of birds and caressed by the cool, Pacific breeze on a warm summer day.  Again, thank God for lovely times with caring friends (who like bike riding).

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    I'm meeting with a new client this evening. He's a vet from the war in Afghanistan.  He's wrestling with the strong turmoil boiling within him, caused by what he saw and his difficult adjustment to civilian life.

    He will never be the same; it's my joy to help this hero. Anyone who puts his life on the line for our country and our values deserves the best I can offer.
How About You? 
     What is the mat you need to remove, so that you can recover from your paralysis, the problem(s) you face today?  For me, this means I need to file papers. I also need to meet with others who can help me reach my goals.
      We don't get our healing in isolation, by living a lonely life.  In my case, it involves meeting with government officials and attending important workshops.
       Also, it means having more fun dates.  I don't have a problem dating; I have a problem making time to be carefree with others.