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"Amidst the constant turmoil and drama that surrounds us, as we live life, many stop
noticing what is going on with themselves.Something more important and life threaten-
ing always seems to intervene....When we acknowledge a situation as it is, we want
look at our options instead of looking at the options available to other people."
Courage to Change, p.359
The following are general principles from Al-Anon Family Groups. I'm sure they will
help when trying to figure out our responsibility in our relationships with others.
Innkeeper's Note:
I'm bumping this up. It was originally posted at the end of last year.
They are principles that allow me to have sanity and dignity when relating
with others. It amazes me how easily we
can regress, emotionally, to being like a nine-year-old child, wanting to please others. This can happen if we place our attachment to another above our values.
I'll tell you a story, before getting to this reprint. A woman came to
see me for counseling. She told me that her boyfriend only wanted to have sex with her, didn't give her the time of day, didn't listen to her, spending most of his time with friends. "Because I love him," she replied. "I'll tell you what, I know guy you might like to meet," I said. "He'll only want to have sex with you, he won't give you attention, he won't listen to you and he'll rather be with his friends, than with you. Are you interested?" "No." "Why not?" I asked. "Because he doesn't fit in with my values." She didn't get my point. Wow. Being true to our "must haves and can't stands"---our values---has to precede our attachment. That is what the following is all about. In addition to the link I just posted, you can read more about "must haves and can't stands" here. Here's the post:
It Is Never My Responsibility To:
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ive what I really don’t want to give
Sacrifice my integrity to anyone
Do more than I have time to do
Drain my strength for others
Listen to unwise counsel
Listen to unwise counsel
Remain in an unfair relationship
Be anyone but exactly who I am
Conform to unreasonable demands
Be 100% perfect
Follow the crowd
Please unpleasant people
Bear the burden of another’s
misbehavior
misbehavior
Do something I really cannot do
Endure my own negative thoughts
Feel guilty towards my inner
desires
desires
Submit to overbearing conditions
Apologize for being myself
Meekly let life pass me by.
Posts
2 comments:
Hello Pablo,
I love the "Its Never My Responsibility" piece; great one to read again and again; to strive to live by.
My tired but happy gratitudes for Friday night are;
1. That I could release the weeks stress for three hours after work today; swimming, hot tub, and sauna. Even slept by the pool for 40 minutes! I was reminded how important it is to be kind to ourselves; take time to revitalize. If we don't love and care for ourselves, how can we do for others?
2. Grateful #2 and #3 sons are hanging out together at the later's cottage (sleep-over), and that #2 rode his bike several miles to get there, for the first time!
3. Grateful #2 can begin to feel, and realize through cycling that smoking and cycling don't mix.
4. Grateful he can next buy himself a one month pass for the commuter train service here in the SF/Bay Area; BART. Then he can become more self-reliant, independent and rebuild self-esteem and confidence.
5. Grateful to be reminded that, "Your lack of planning does not make it my emergency," and that I can say with calm and grace to a somewhat spoiled adult son..., "I'm sorry, but there is no one here that is available to do that for you," or "make your own transportation arrangements." Grateful that through my occasional relapses in saying no; in maintaining healthy boundaries for my emotional safety, I am gradually strengthening those muscles of remembered resolve. With them I can better safeguard my need for tranquility, harmony, equality and respect for those very boundaries. I too often let others (before I realize it) plow through them with their subtle bulldozer of manipulation.
6. Grateful our home is peaceful and its the weekend; I don't have to get up at 4:10 AM or shave, and can dress like a Hawaiian Beach Bum if I want to!
7. Grateful for the new John Mayer song; "Walt Grace's Submarine Test, January 1967," from his new "Born & Raised" album. Please hear it and read the lyrics when you can. Its moving; about hopes, dreams, determination and leaving your mark; making a difference with your life. Some say he lived (survived) and some say he did not. Some say its autobiographical and some say not...you decide!
Hello Carl,
Glad you like this post. I do too. I'm in agreement with you: taking care of ourselves is a form of self-love, necessary for our emotional, spiritual and mental health.
You know I'm a strong advocate for cycling. I'm glad hearing your son #2 used one. Part of exercising recovery is allowing others to experience the natural consequences of their behavior, as stated in the post above.
Carl, I'm impressed. Before we can do anything, we have to see the problem first. You are doing that. It also goes by another name---awareness.
I'll check out the JM song. Promise.
Thanks for your many gratitudes!
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