How is everyone tonight?
I just got in. I led a meeting this morning and had a chance to practice Spanish afterwards when visiting with a
friend who attended. Some of you may be surprised to find out that Spanish was neither my first nor second language. It was the third language I learned. English and Latin I studied before the language of my ancestors. I began my studies in Latin when I was ten.
This week will be challenging. I'm adding four new clients. I met with two new clients this afternoon. Tomorrow, I will meet another and followed with the fourth on Tuesday, along with my normal clientele.
Saturday, I'm speaking at a forum for peace, I'll be part of a panel discussion. A workshop on nonviolent communication (NVC) and the value of forgiveness, I'll also present that day. If you'd like to attend, you are welcome. Contact me and I'll give more details.
Sessions with new clients are demanding. I want to be sensitive to the needs of those who seek my services. My style of counseling is different in that often they include teaching. That happened this afternoon. We took a look at making amends and how to use nonviolent communication to have our needs met.
After work, I treated myself, getting a rack for my bike at a nearby bicycle shop. I'm hoping the rack will reduce my accidents. Several of my mishaps happened because I was carrying an unbalanced load on my bike, with over 45 lbs. of food on my bike.
It took me an hour and a half to assemble the rack and bolt it on to the rear of my bicycle. I'm pleased, it's a step towards greater safety, I'm investing in my welfare.
This evening, I watched the playoff game the San Francisco Giants baseball team had tonight. Even though they lost, I was happy for the change of routine. I needed something more light-hearted. Friends joined me in watching the game and I had fun. I have a friend on tap to join me tomorrow, when the Giants play again----I'm a diehard baseball fan of my team.
Relating With a Boundaryless Person
The other day someone called me. He left a voice message that he "didn't want to be mean" but he didn't want me to call him in the future. I've called him once this year. He thought that I was "mean." It was "just a feeling" of his. More about that, later. This is a fellow I rarely see and hardly know. He suffers from the disease of being bi-polar, according to his own admission and is not a client of mine.
The other day, in a social setting he asked me an impertinent question. I let him know I didn't want to answer his question. I've learned years ago that "no" is a complete sentence. Boundaries are necessary for my sanity, serenity and my emotional safety.
He did not know what to make of my response. He tried telling me, after I answered, how I should have responded. I let him know that I was of the age that I was not accustomed to having others tell me how I should do something, especially how I should reply.
I replied to his voice message by stating that I prefer to make my own choices, that I prefer if he made request rather than telling me what to do, or not do.
Secondly, I let him know that what he shared with me was not a feeling, it was a faux feeling. It was a judgment, based on his interpretation, and that perception is not necessarily reality. I clarified that his comment was more a statement about his perception of my behavior towards him. It was not a statement of his feelings.
Lastly, I reminded him that it's usually best for us to inventory our own shortcomings and not to judge another, in this case, me. But, I thanked him for his comments because they allowed me to understand him and his worldview.
Here's the point I want make clear: codependents allow others to define who they are and determine their moods. I'm not a codependent. I was not going to yield to the tyranny of his perceived slights or how he labelled me. I'm thankful that personal growth allows me to see humor in events that once disturbed me.
What freedom that gives me. I've learned that I want to be responsive to, but I am not responsible for the feelings of others. To believe otherwise is a serious crossing of boundaries, something I'm not interested in doing. No one can make us happy, sad, angry or any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so. And this is also true for the fellow who called me.
How About You?
Do you allow others to determine your moods and define who you are? The following quote helps me when I feel the temptation to yield to the tyranny of needing the approval of others:
I just got in. I led a meeting this morning and had a chance to practice Spanish afterwards when visiting with a
friend who attended. Some of you may be surprised to find out that Spanish was neither my first nor second language. It was the third language I learned. English and Latin I studied before the language of my ancestors. I began my studies in Latin when I was ten.
This week will be challenging. I'm adding four new clients. I met with two new clients this afternoon. Tomorrow, I will meet another and followed with the fourth on Tuesday, along with my normal clientele.
Saturday, I'm speaking at a forum for peace, I'll be part of a panel discussion. A workshop on nonviolent communication (NVC) and the value of forgiveness, I'll also present that day. If you'd like to attend, you are welcome. Contact me and I'll give more details.
Sessions with new clients are demanding. I want to be sensitive to the needs of those who seek my services. My style of counseling is different in that often they include teaching. That happened this afternoon. We took a look at making amends and how to use nonviolent communication to have our needs met.
After work, I treated myself, getting a rack for my bike at a nearby bicycle shop. I'm hoping the rack will reduce my accidents. Several of my mishaps happened because I was carrying an unbalanced load on my bike, with over 45 lbs. of food on my bike.
It took me an hour and a half to assemble the rack and bolt it on to the rear of my bicycle. I'm pleased, it's a step towards greater safety, I'm investing in my welfare.
This evening, I watched the playoff game the San Francisco Giants baseball team had tonight. Even though they lost, I was happy for the change of routine. I needed something more light-hearted. Friends joined me in watching the game and I had fun. I have a friend on tap to join me tomorrow, when the Giants play again----I'm a diehard baseball fan of my team.
Relating With a Boundaryless Person
The other day someone called me. He left a voice message that he "didn't want to be mean" but he didn't want me to call him in the future. I've called him once this year. He thought that I was "mean." It was "just a feeling" of his. More about that, later. This is a fellow I rarely see and hardly know. He suffers from the disease of being bi-polar, according to his own admission and is not a client of mine.
The other day, in a social setting he asked me an impertinent question. I let him know I didn't want to answer his question. I've learned years ago that "no" is a complete sentence. Boundaries are necessary for my sanity, serenity and my emotional safety.
He did not know what to make of my response. He tried telling me, after I answered, how I should have responded. I let him know that I was of the age that I was not accustomed to having others tell me how I should do something, especially how I should reply.
I replied to his voice message by stating that I prefer to make my own choices, that I prefer if he made request rather than telling me what to do, or not do.
Secondly, I let him know that what he shared with me was not a feeling, it was a faux feeling. It was a judgment, based on his interpretation, and that perception is not necessarily reality. I clarified that his comment was more a statement about his perception of my behavior towards him. It was not a statement of his feelings.
Lastly, I reminded him that it's usually best for us to inventory our own shortcomings and not to judge another, in this case, me. But, I thanked him for his comments because they allowed me to understand him and his worldview.
Here's the point I want make clear: codependents allow others to define who they are and determine their moods. I'm not a codependent. I was not going to yield to the tyranny of his perceived slights or how he labelled me. I'm thankful that personal growth allows me to see humor in events that once disturbed me.
What freedom that gives me. I've learned that I want to be responsive to, but I am not responsible for the feelings of others. To believe otherwise is a serious crossing of boundaries, something I'm not interested in doing. No one can make us happy, sad, angry or any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so. And this is also true for the fellow who called me.
How About You?
Do you allow others to determine your moods and define who you are? The following quote helps me when I feel the temptation to yield to the tyranny of needing the approval of others:
Also,"When I need the applause of others to feel good about myself, I've given them power over me."Courage to Change, p. 19
"I block my well-being every time I base my self-worth on what I do or what other people think of me." Courage, p. 118
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2 comments:
Dear Innkeeper,
I love your Sunday night post; a keeper for me. I've been living much of what you wrote, and will let it guide me through future, turbulent waters.
I found a beautiful message I would like to share in a little, blue, daily reader called "One Day at a Time..." The reading is all about Gratitude, so is fitting for visitors to this Inn. It is on page 12; the reading for January 12.
"Today I will examine my ideas of enjoyment, pleasure, delight. Have I grieved over the fact that my life has become empty of them? Do these satisfactions depend on parties, travel, dancing, movies, television? Do i feel deprived because I am busy with home, children, a job,so I am not free to pursue some recreation? If so, it is time I learned to enjoy the thousands of little things that occur in my daily life; a sunrise, the sound of birds, a long walk, noting all the interesting things I see, a piece of music, a good book, a charming response from a child, a moving story told by a friend, a small household chore perfectly performed, a beautiful meal created by me."
And, a relevant prayer...
"I ask God to make me willing to see clearly my everyday experiences, to sharpen my perception of how much there is to enjoy, even in ordinary things and happenings. Let me be receptive. RESTORE TO ME MY CAPACITY FOR WONDER."
Today I am Grateful for;
1. A welcome after-work nap before the playoff game.
2. A good home cooked meal, I could eat whenever I wanted to; during commercials.
3. A clean and tidy family - TV room, where there was once the sloppy, lazy chaos of our sons.
4. That the Giants soundly won their second playoff game thanks to brilliant pitching and great hitting!
5. A surprising discovery based on our communication string, that my clients seafood emergency on Friday night was not my doing!
6. The sheer relief, and joy of vindication when being able to communicate that information back to the client was immense.
7. A dignified welcome home at the bus station to two subdued, humbled sons who found themselves inadvertently on an unplanned, longer-than-expected, wild-goose chase, of their own poorly planed design. I told them, "Your lack of planning does not make this my emergency."
8. That All is Quiet (tonight) on the Western Front!
Dear Carl,
My response to your comments is that I featured them in the post after this one.
Thanks for sharing a passage that was meaningful for you and your gratitudes!
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