Untangled From the Tentacles of Guilt and Codependency 10/31/14

1.  Fear of abandon-ment, covered in the link above.
2.  Defensive hope.  A huge problem, a fantasy-induced way of living.
3.  Fear of confronta-tion.  The result of co-dependency. See number 5.
4.  Developing char-acter discernment.  A critical skill necess-ary for healthy, thriv-ing relationships and peace of mind.
5.  Not being codependent---swallowed up by what others think of us or caught up in rescuing others.  See the attached link for more about this subject. More about this in a moment.
6.  Romanticizing relationships.  It happens all the time, and films and TV portray the immature, unrealistic approach towards connecting emo-tionally with another.
    The character of the object of our love can be overlooked.  It is what we will be living with and affecting us the most.  We want to be deeply aware of this critical part of their identity.
7.  Assuming the victim role.  Passivity.  Not facing the issues in our lives needing work.  For our lives to be dynamic and fulfilling, it is critical to care for ourselves, protecting ourselves from abusers.

      Victims surrender their dignity.
   

     They fear rocking the boat in their re-lationships.  Victims are filled with self-doubt.  Victims live lives from a stuck position, often mak-ing them feel suffoca-ted or filled with inner rage that isn't expressed.  They be-come emotionally immobilized.
 
     Victims are afraid of offending.  Even when this boat of the other person's personality can be a garbage barge, carrying a city's worth of judgments, blame, and shame towards them.

     Passive people do not stop perpetrators from dumping this barge of emotionally damaging filth on them. Relation-ships are authentic when we speak our truth calmly, without fear, and we express our feelings and the needs beneath.
   

      A UCLA study reveals a reduc-tion in the activity in the limbic system when we name what is going on within us. This happens when we are aware of the feelings churning within us. Along with it, there is an increase in our prefron-tal cortex that contributes towards improved emotional balance, well-being, and executive functioning.

     Pausing with mindfulness when in a conflict gives us the space to choose better responses.  Noticing what is happening allows us to not be lost in it.

    Not so, for passive people.  They allow abusers to routinely pour con-demnation and criticism within the ocean of their souls. Letting this toxicity manipulate them.  Victims are not proactive.

    We need to get off the floor. if we feel like a doormat 

      All seven of these issues listed we cov-ered this month. More unhealthy habits need to be rooted out.  When we do, healthy, life-giving relationships will be ours.

      This is authen-ticity. (See here for more about this.)  When we are with a safe per-son, intimacy thrives, and genuine bonding occurs between two people. This leads to relationships that are present---where we experience what is.

     We bond when relationships enjoy emotional safety and recipro-city.   These are friendships full of vitality, and they are the connec-tions that invigorate, energize us.

      We are better people when enjoying healthy relationships.  Unsafe, toxic people are the opposite, and they are emotional black holes that suck life and joy out of us.

      Today's subject is false or imagined guilt, and this negative feeling draws predators who smell our vulnerability through lead.

       People who carry guilt will look for someone to play the guilt inducer role in their life.

[For the hungry soul, every bitter thing is sweet.  That's how sick we are.  We endured abuse.  Now, it's a part of our nor-mality.  In fact, we crave abuse because that's all we've known.]

      The guilt inducer plays the martyr role, acting like his misery is the fault of the person wracked with guilt or shame. 

      The guilty party, in turn, is hooked into taking responsi-bility for the other person's pain, anger or disappointments or their blame. [Which is not the guilty party's responsibility, ever.]  He is easily manipulated.  He never feels free in the relationship. 

      The hook of guilt, however, lies within the person who picks the guilt inducer.  She will feel as if the guilt is "put on her," or so and so "makes me feel guilty." But this thinking is a disavowal of responsibility .  For someone to make us feel guilty, we have to have some part of us that gets hooked into that dynamic and agrees with the accuser and their blame.  

                And that dynamic is usually codependency.   

                    Cloud, Townsend, Safe People, p 105. 

       We want to free ourselves from manipulators.  We want to realize no one can make us happy, sad, angry, experience guilt, or any other feeling without us giving them permission to do so.  The following wraps up the quote above:

 This is why the power to be free [from manipulators] is within us, our power.  We begin to deal with our guilt [and our baggage]. We become free of the hook that guilt inducers use to control us.  Safe People 105

        I have a difficult client.  Each time we meet, she tries pin-ning blame on me and takes no respon-sibility for what happens in her life.

        She believes her problems are due to the behavior of oth-ers.  She is unable to see her contribution to her difficulties.  During sessions, I do not accept her victim mentality.

        According to her, this makes her feel bad.  I don't accept the guilt she tries to ply.  Every time I do not take her accusations, she's star-tled.

        I understand why.  Ninety-six percent of the world is code-pendent.  Such people are susceptible to guilt.  She has never met a person who wasn't moved by her manipulation.

       Until now, I am not motivated or intimidated by the guilt.  Her blaming comments don't move me.

     People loved by a supportive net-work are untang-led from tentacles of codependency.  Wracked with guilt, they aren't.  Nor are they anguished by mistreatment.  The grip of lies and gos-sip cannot grasp a person with a strong supportive network.  Such an individual has a healthy self-image.

     It is derived from the love they get from their Balcony People.

     Resilient people embrace negative realities.  They use such circum-stances to further their personal growth, and they do not have a victim mentality.

         Guilt no longer rules the feelings of those who stand in their power, recovery, and integrity.  The resilient are bathed in love, and they are acquainted with authenticity.  

         Reciprocity and emotional safety mark their relationships.   Con-demnation, within or without, is given perspective.

         When we are resilient, mistakes are not seen as failures.  Lapses of character or fortitude are growth opportunities.  We are gentle to-wards ourselves during times of loss.  

        We forgive ourselves.  We are mindful of the quote by  Goethe pic-tured above.  We realize as much recovery we do, we will never progress beyond being human. 

       We maintain our integrity.  We are true to our values during tough times.  We maintain integrity by being honest---present---with friends.

        People with recovery are loved.  We are filled with grace, and emo-tionally healthy friends do not condemn us when we err.
       

        Acceptance, not ridicule, is the norm when revealing our vulnerabilities.  We are loved by our sup-portive network, and it consists of compas-sionate, gentle friends.

        Be wary of those who are quick to judge.  Especially those who are convinced they know our motives, and they don't.

"Only the spirit of a man knows the thoughts within him."   I Corinthian 2:11.  

        All forms of conclusions, interpretations, and assump-tions are forms of judgment.

        We want to tell those riding the high horse of superiority, espe-cially those feeling this way because of assumptions, to dismount.  Immediately.  If they prefer to canter along in their judgments, it is best not to walk away from them.

        We must run.

         Safe People always care more about the relationship than any issue they have with another.  Unsafe people care more about what troubles them than the relationship. Such people are toxic for our emotional safety and mental health. 

       Safe People confront an issue to restore the relationship and forgive.  Unsafe People correct to condemn.  With Safe People, we find nurturing, support.

       Unsafe People are self-righteous, creating emotional toxicity with all those they relate with.

        With recovery, moments of vulnerability----admitting weaknesses---are easy.  We take to heart the quote pic-tured above from Goethe.  We are aware of what trig-gers us, our vulnerabilities.

        We mention them when they surface.  This openness with others results from an accurate perspective of who we are---the definition of humility, teachability.

       Recovery allows us to be transparent.  Errors are seen as opportun-ities for growth.  Negative generational legacies are replaced.

         Condemnation once known when making a mistake is replaced with self-compassion.  We are tender towards our wounds.  When we err, compassion replaces self-judgment, and this is acceptance with grace.

         We block our own well-being each time we base our self-worth on what we do or what others think of us.   (Courage to Change, 118)

         Living authentically, we reveal our characterological warts to close friends.   Our flaws do not define us, and they do not show there is something wrong with us.

         We are simply human.  We are forthright about who we are, the good and the bad.

        When our vul-nerable, less-than-best parts of our-selves are loved, they can be healed and transformed.  If this Hunchback por-tion of our inner self is condemned, we have a problem, and our progress will be plodding.

        Our wounded parts will retreat.  When this happens, growth does not occur, and the Quasimodo that lives within us remains injured and deformed.

       Healing takes place when the truth is matched with loving grace.  Our inner deformed self transforms into the prince or princess we yearn to be.  I know this to be true.

        I see this take place every day in my work.  It requires effort, not excuses, and it happens when the truth is balanced with grace.
       

       With recovery, we learn we are not loved for what we do or don't do.  This is true even when we think we should have done more, try harder.  It is encouraging, being loved for who we are, warts and all.

       Our outlook changes when we realize who we are is good enough. We are enough, just as we are.   If that isn't so in another person's eyes, that individual is unsafe and emotionally blinded, not us.

       If a person is falsely accused, boundaries and recovery allow him to not swallow the poison of shame proffered by the accuser.  Guilt mon-gers no longer manipulate an internally referented person, and the unsafe accuser needs to process their inaccurate judgments. 

        Their criticism is a statement about their soul's dark and harmful nature.

How About You? 
How do you prevent guilt from eating or manipulating you? 

Character Discernment, Revisited ................ 1/10/15

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

I'm bumping up this post.  It has been the third most popular, all time.  It is the best I can do, as my computer is in the shop for repair. I'm borrowing one right now to get this in. 

Here it is: 

     In another post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportunities which allow us to do spiritual weight lifting. We exercise the inner strength we have that is the result of applying

Character Discernment, Revisited ................... 5/23/14

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

     In a recent post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportunities which allow us to do spiritual weight lifting. We exercise the inner strength we have that is the result of applying

One Cause for Unsafe Relationships 2/22/15

     Who doesn't want to be happy? That is possible when we have great friend-ships.
   
     Without them, we feel "incredible im-mense pain," as one client told me this week.  We may feel like a failure, like this

A Special Four Year Anniversary, My Best For Today Is Good Enough, Growing A Safe Person..... 9/2/14

     Part of my recovery is a thought often expressed here. My best for today is good enough.  So, nope, what you are reading is not in its finished form.  I will add more tomorrow, perhaps quotes, graphics.  I also cut stuff that looked good in the darkness of the approaching midnight hour, my usual dead-line.

     August 27th marked four years I have

Character Discernment, Spiritual Weightlifting Part IV: Principles That Help Us With Any Relationship ...................6/25/11

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

     In a recent post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportun-ities. They allow us to do spiritual weight lifting.  We exercise the inner strength gotten by applying healthy principles when relating with others.

     We can do this even with those who are dangerous and hurtful. What a deal!"

         Just a second, before going further.   

         This week I disagreed in a blog.   The individual took it personally.   Untasteful descriptions of my character were tossed at me.   This person's friends chimed in, adding more invectives.  
         
          My, my.   I don't take anything personally.  I experienced cyber bullying.  The response was seen for what it was.   A lack of  maturity. 

        Progress doesn't occur when attacks are used.  This illus-trated an ad homi-nem argument.  Like what you see to your left. 

       Most people, when confronted aggressively, back-pedal. They are off guard.  It's, prefer-red--more effective--staying present---on topic.  

      A person is abusive towards us.   That's not the time to reason things out.  Waiting for when they are not emotionally intoxicated makes more sense. 

      Life happens.

      In light of the principles listed below, we can keep perspective, when attacked.   We do not drink the venom offered.  
   

    It's hard for an angry per-son to engage us in an emo-tional tug-of-war, if we let go of the rope.  I did that.  The angry response of others lets me understand their values and worldview.  

       We do not have to agree. 

       Sure, it is disappointing, being judged, misunderstood.  This happens in a conflict.  It is tempting to label the other person wrong.  Frequently this is their default mode towards us.

       Or one party is seen as stupid, an idiot, a twit.  That happened this week, to you know who.  But we don't allow others to define who we am or determine our moods,  

       We want to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.  It's sad when people see different viewpoints as rubbish, tossing in profanities in the mix.  

       Unfortunately, this reaction  can surface when differences arise.  Critical responses needn't be our go-to response.  It is helpful remem-bering we can say our "no" as gently as our yes.

         It is  sad, tragic, when personal attacks are used to win arguments instead of discussing the issues.

"When we realize that we can  have differing viewpoints without either of us being wrong, we can all fit in together. just as we are."  Courage to Change, p. 140

      Unfortunately, this perspective is not common.  It requires hard work.  It happens when we place healthy principles above  negative default modes created when we were children. 

       We can be grateful for healthy principles. They allow discernment of who is safe and isn't.  The following comes from Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, of the Boundaries series book fame.  

        It's subtitle is: How to Have Healthy Relationships and Avoid Those That Aren't.  Their book, Boundaries, written in 1995 has sold over 5 million copies.   They've written numerous fine books.

      To see practical, brief, clinical video presentations on the subjects of Relationships, Goals and Success, Emotional Struggles, Leadership, Dating, Spiritual Life, Parenting and Marriage, by these psychologists, click here.   You'll be glad you did. 

       In the authors' words,

"Unsafe people have personal traits that make them extreme-ly dangerous to other people."  

Below, these authors go into detail.  

 Helpful Principles to Keep in Mind 

1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
2. Unsafe people think they "have it all together " instead of admit-ting weakness. 
3. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.
4. Unsafe people apologize instead of changing their be-havior.

      For each of the points stated above, the authors go into detail, in their book.  I'm skimming the general principles.  The authors discuss many other points as well, in depth.  

The following points are from page 34 in Safe People:
5. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with                them.

    Unsafe people in this regard:

   a. Do not admit that they have problems, or they think they can solve the               problems, by themselves.
   b. Do not submit their life and will to God. In fact, call others "holier than                thou," when others suggest including their Higher Power, when dealing              with challenges.
   c. Do not confess when they've wronged someone.
   d. Do not forgive people who've hurt them.  They care more about the issue than they do about the relationship. (Safe People care more about the rela-tionship than they do about the issue.)

e.  Avoid facing relationship problems directly.  (I've ended relationships because of this factor---if a person I'm relating with is unwilling to discuss the issue, there's little hope for the friendship.)
   f. Do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  In fact, they often mock those who do, minimizing the need for doing so.
   g. Treat others with a lack of empathy.
   h. Are not open to confrontation from others.
   i.  Are not in the process of learning and growing.
   j.  Blame other people for their problems, not seeing their part. [I often,                  when dealing with an issue between myself and another ask:  "Can you               tell me your contribution, so that I won't feel like I'm the only person to             blame?]
   k.  Do not want to share their problems with others, that they may grow.

       After  going into detail about this list, the psychologists Cloud and Townsend state: 

"People who are uninvolved in character growth can be unsafe, because they are shut off from awareness of their own problems and God's resources to transform those problems. Instead, they act out of their unconscious hurts, [our default modes] and hurting others."

      Having our perspective informed by these principles allows us to be grateful.  They provide greater clarity, mindfulness with relating.  These principles are a guide that lets us know who we want to connect with.  

       We are also aware of those we want to avoid.

       Instead of reacting, it is best responding.  When we do, its a good idea remain courteous towards those with whom we differ.  "The greatest form of wisdom is kindness." 

       We can say our no as gently as our yes.  This is detaching with kindness.  We can value those with whom we disagree.  detaching with love, not amputation.   

        Using assertive honesty strengthens relationships.  It is being honest while showing respect at the same time.  It is not using the hatchet of cruel words, judgments, criticism, assumptions or jumping to conclusions. 

        Detaching prevents us from responding emotionally.  Reacting is giving in to our default modes, if we aren't careful.  

        Relating healthily, when in a conflict can happen.  It occurs when we apply healthy principles above the negative default modes of our personality.  We replace being passive, timid, aggressive, abusive or being frozen in the headlights---- with feeling what we feel and want, then saying what we feel and want to those who trouble us. 

       This is being present and authentic.  It allows for bonding and genuine intimacy.  We are true to our boundaries. 
      

      Our standards define us.  They let others know what we accept and what we won't.   They let those we relate with know who we are---the package they get when relating with us. 

      With assertive, affirming honesty everyone is honored.  We are true to ourselves while respecting differences we have with others.  Our relationships will grow with a depth and kindness like we never dreamed possible. 

       Wishing you a great and grateful day,
                     The Innkeeper
       
How About You? 
1. What have you found helpful, when dealing with conflict?  
2. How do you respond towards others who are being unkind? 
3. What are signs that let you know that a person is not safe to relate with?  
      I look forward to your comments. Here's to growing communication within this inn of hope, encouragement and recovery,

 Other Related Posts: 

1. "Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm."   To read that entry, please click here. 
2. "Dealing with Emotionally Charged Conversations"   You can read that here.

Six Characteristics to Avoid In Relationships, If You Want A Healthy One ...................9/9/14

One definition of discernment

      In this post, written last Thursday, I shared reasons why it is hard find Safe People, those who help us thrive and become better people. They were:
1.  Lacking Discernment.
2.  Not Knowing How to Connect.
3.  Fear of Abandonment. This is settling for less than is desirable.

     You can read the previous post in the link above, for more details on these three.  I will continue from there. The fourth reason is:

Resiliency Revisited.............. 8/20/17

    Thriving during difficult times.

     This is the stuff that emo-tional resiliency is made of.  It is not cowering to abusers.  It is the inner strength that pre-vents us from surrendering when the feet of our character is put to the hot coals of stress.

      Without recovery, this stress is usually self-induced, the result of our projections, judgments and interpretations of the behavior or others. 

      Resiliency is relating with difficult people and not being moved.  While such engaged, we maintain our confidence.  Our happiness is

A Busy, But Auspicious, Meeting-My-Needs Day .......8/2/11

    Hello everyone,

I met with a client this afternoon, our time was productive.  Earlier in the week, I asked if we could meet at a new place, she said okay, with reservations. It ended up she likes the new place better than where we once  met. I thanked her, for her flexibility.

        Taking care of self is still an area where I'm growing. (For more on this subject click here, and here, also.) It lets me know that I must be a Safe Person. 1 (See footnote below.) As a child, I was culturally conditioned to always think of the needs others and ignore mine. It feels great seeing important areas in my life being fulfilled. More about that in a moment.

Three Things Needed to Find Safe People.... 9/4/14

Scotland: "Loch Linhe and Loch Eil from Ben Nevis"
By Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo, used by permission. 

Where Do We Find the Safe Peo-ple We Need To Connect With to Thrive?

       Chance has noth-ing to do with it.

     When having difficulties in a relationship, look for the com-mon denomina-tor.

      Us. Ouch.

      Not taking responsibility for our unkind, unhealthy behavior is a typ-ical defensive response when in a conflict. We blame others for our problems with them. Or we surrender to an emotional bully, fearing standing up to them.

       We don't want to be bothered; we hate tension.

       Good relationships require boundaries. They provide an essential warp and woof when connecting with others. They help us weave critical values into the relationship.  

       Like idiot lights, boundaries, when crossed, signal when relating with irresponsible, emotionally unhealthy, or controlling people. When our standards become violated, like a blaring alarm, borders bring unacceptable behavior that spits in our character's face.

      What prevents us from facing problems with others? Denial.   Frequently we avoid our character issues, those areas needing growth.

       Childhood men-toring can prepare us for life. Childhood provides ripe mo-ments for developing discernment. Many of us in our youth did not learn this skill.

      Growing up in homes that are less than ideal is a common occurrence. Mentoring didn't happen. It gives us hope, knowing that doing what is right---like establishing our bound-aries--can happen now. No expiration dates exist for them. 

"It is never too late to                   start doing what is right." 

      Boundaries perform the role of measuring sticks. Individ-uals whose behavior lines up with our borders provide great friend-ships. We embrace those respecting our values.

      Boundaries reveal who we want to relate to. They also teach us who to avoid. For example, one limitation is connecting with people who develop their character. 

      An unhealthy person does not grow. They do not want to. They see no need for it.  

      Awareness of this boundary---insisting on relating with others who ongoingly grow--- develops mature, healthy relationships and emotional safety.  

      Three ingredients create good relationships. They guard our hearts and contribute towards greater sanity. Let's take a look:

  Guard your heart with all diligence for from it flows the issues of life.         Proverbs 4:23

1. Discernment

      Discernment builds healthier connections with others. 

     We draw people into our social circle for the right reasons. External reasons for relating with someone will not be the focus. A person's worldly suc-cess--material attainments, looks, or the nature of their work does not reveal the measure of a man or woman.

      Character defines the individual. 

      A friendship that includes character and emotional matur-ity creates a great relationship.  Does kindness reveal itself during our differences?  Are they patient when wronged?  

      Does the person have compassion?  These are the characteristics we want when connecting with others.

      Do they listen when we talk?  Or do they talk over us?  Do we see a "we" left standing after each conflict?

     These tendencies reveal a person's character.  A person demonstrating consideration is a safe person we can draw closer to.

     When something goes wrong, does the person care more about the issue than us?  When they talk, do we become an audience of one, overlooked in the conversation?  Such people are unsafe. 

     We will enjoy more peace of mind when we steer clear of such individuals. 

2  Knowing How to Connect

     Discernment isn't everything  Community is critical, too  We need to be loved.  

     Isolating hurts us emotionally and mentally  Connecting with emo-tionally healthy others protects us  Our need for intimacy will be met.

     Contrary to what the media says, intimacy is not sex  Often, that is the farthest thing from it  As presented in the world, tenderness is often trifled.  

     Reciprocity is what we want  Mutuality and emotional safety are essential for good friendships.

     Being intimate is revealing our fears  With a safe person, we can  Those we relate with---who are safe---do not judge when we bare our weaknesses  Instead of ridicule, we receive compassion. 

     We experience grace.

      In good friendships, shame is absent.  Blame is replaced with grace  We share our vulnerabilities boldly.  

      Safe People provide a healthy environment. What is divulged is not used against us.

     "Bob" is a fellow I know  He worked in the health care field as a nurse  A tragedy took place; someone died under his care.  

      He revealed this tragic event to an unsafe friend, "Joe." 

      When Joe did something wrong, Bob tried addressing it  His friend would dredge up that Bob "killed" a patient.  

       Bob killed someone  That was worse than any misdeed Joe did  Joe would tell Bob he could never say anything negative about him.

      Joe manipulates Bob, the mark of an unsafe person. 

3   Overcoming Fear of Abandonment

       From time to time, we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships.  It does happen.  Applying boundaries and detaching is our best option.

       Why/  Fear of being alone causes us to cave in  Sad.  

       Good friends give us emotional object constancy.  This reveals the value of a supportive community  It pro-vides strength.  

       We know we are loved and valued.  

      Support empowers us to confront  Good friends strengthen us. With their help, we can take complex steps  We become empowered to take action that otherwise drains us emotionally.  

      Support empowers us to move away from unhealthy relationships.
 

       On occasion, we may be guilty of not keeping good company  Often, we prefer to stay in an unhealthy relation-ship  We believe it is better than no relationship at all. 

     This reflects low self-esteem  It is self-sabotaging  We can do better.

      We get what we tolerate.

       We train people how to treat us, be it for good or ill  We gain con-fidence when we live within a community of good friends  They are the fruit of exercising better discernment and boundaries.

      Applying them provides greater peace of mind  It is something we need to thrive in today's hectic society.

       We help ourselves when we let go of manipulative, controlling relationships  By exercising discernment, our relationships improve  Taking a stand is applying the courage derived from our supportive network  When we are confident in our values, we remove the decaying fruit of unhealthy acquaintances.

       As we get better, so will our relationships with others.

How About You? 
Please share the qualities of intimacy you enjoy with a dear friend.
      May you have a great and grateful day.                       I know I will!
               Pablo

Bad Idea: Creating God's Character in Our Image. A Happy Innkeeper 3/4/14

The hills where I sprouted as a kid.  Fremont, CA. They look this way, after receiving rain. 

"We unwittingly project onto God our own attitudes and feelings toward ourselves... But we cannot assume that He feels about us the way we feel about ourselves -- unless we love ourselves compassionately, intensely and freely.”     Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of           the Heart for Intimate Belonging

        It is uplifting knowing God has

Practicising Principles and Boundaries in All Our Affairs .......... 8/15/11

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”"
William Arthur Ward

     Good evening everyone, even if my baseball team lost horrifically in the final inning, tonight. Welcome to today's guests.

      I'm meeting with members of my business team, at 5:30 p.m., tomorrow, in San Rafael. I have a mixture of excitement and dread. I'm leaving it in God's hands.

Boundaries Helps Our Sanity

     I'm encountering friends who are under extreme stress. The economy, job uncertainty, unexpected bills, crises, downturns in relationships, all contribute to their woes.  Some observations:

I. It Is Good Being Wary 

A. This is where we got the word "beware." Being careful when around distressed people is wise.

 "A prudent man sees a danger and        withdraws, but the simple continue    on and suffer for it."    Jewish proverb.

       Recently, while with a friend, I excused myself from a table at a restaurant, asked for the check and left. Before doing so, I calmly let the person know that his behavior was emotional abuse and I wouldn't stand for it. He apologized a week later, without prompting.

      We get what we tolerate. We train people how to treat us. If we feel like a doormat we need to get off the floor.