Where Do We Find the Safe Peo-ple We Need To Connect With to Thrive?
Chance
has
noth
-ing to do with it.
When having difficulties in a relationship, look for the com-mon denomina-tor.
Us. Ouch.
Not taking responsibility for
our
unkind,
unhealthy
behavior is
a typ-ical defensive response when in a conflict. We blame others for our problems with them. Or we surrender to an emotional bully, fearing standing up to them.
We don't want to be bothered; we hate tension.
G
ood relationships require boundaries. They provide an essential warp and woof when connecting with others. They help us weave critical values into the relationship.
Like idiot lights, boundaries, when crossed, signal when relating with irresponsible, emotionally unhealthy, or controlling people. When our standards become violated, like a blaring alarm, borders bring unacceptable behavior that spits in our character's face.
What prevents us from facing problems with others? Denial. Frequently
we
avoid o
ur character issues, those areas needing growth.
Childhood men-toring can prepare us for life. Childhood provides
ripe mo-ments for developing discernment. Many of us in our youth did not learn this skill.
Growing up in homes that are less than ideal is a common occurrence. Mentoring didn't happen. It gives us hope, knowing that doing what is right---like establishing our bound-aries--can happen now. No expiration dates exist for them.
"It is never too late to start doing what is right."
Boundaries perform the role of measuring sticks. Individ-uals whose behavior lines up with our borders provide great friend-ships. We embrace those respecting our values.
Boundaries reveal who we want to relate to. They also teach us who to avoid. For example, one limitation is connecting with people who develop their character.
An unhealthy person does not grow. They do not want to. They see no need for it.
Awareness of this boundary---insisting on relating with others who ongoingly grow--- develops
mature, healthy relationships and emotional safety.
Three ingredients create good relationships. They guard our hearts and contribute towards greater sanity. Let's take a look:
Guard your heart with all diligence for from it flows the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23
1. Discernment
Discernment builds healthier connections with others.
We draw people into our social circle for the right reasons. External reasons for relating with someone will not be the focus. A person's worldly suc-cess--material attainments, looks, or the nature of their work does not reveal the measure of a man or woman.
Character defines the individual.
A friendship that includes character and emotional matur-ity creates a great relationship. Does kindness reveal itself during our differences? Are they patient when wronged?
Does the person have compassion? These are the characteristics we want when connecting with others.
Do they listen when we talk? Or do they talk over us? Do we see a "we" left standing after each conflict?
These tendencies reveal a person's character. A person demonstrating consideration is a safe person we can draw closer to.
When something goes wrong, does the person care more about the issue than us? When they talk, do we become an audience of one, overlooked in the conversation? Such people are unsafe.
We will enjoy more peace of mind when we steer clear of such individuals.
Discernment isn't everything Community is critical, too We need to be loved.
Isolating hurts us emotionally and mentally Connecting with emo-tionally healthy others protects us Our need for intimacy will be met.
Contrary to what the media says, intimacy is not sex Often, that is the farthest thing from it As presented in the world, tenderness is often trifled.
Reciprocity is what we want Mutuality and emotional safety are essential for good friendships.
Being intimate is revealing our fears With a safe person, we can Those we relate with---who are safe---do not judge when we bare our weaknesses Instead of ridicule, we receive compassion.
We experience grace.
In good friendships, shame is absent. Blame is replaced with grace We share our vulnerabilities boldly.
Safe People provide a healthy environment. What is divulged is not used against us.
"Bob" is a fellow I know He worked in the health care field as a nurse A tragedy took place; someone died under his care.
He revealed this tragic event to an unsafe friend, "Joe."
When Joe did something wrong, Bob tried addressing it His friend would dredge up that Bob "killed" a patient.
Bob killed someone That was worse than any misdeed Joe did Joe would tell Bob he could never say anything negative about him.
Joe manipulates Bob, the mark of an unsafe person.
3 Overcoming Fear of Abandonment
From time to time, we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships. It does happen. Applying boundaries and detaching is our best option.
Why/ Fear of being alone causes us to cave in Sad.
Good friends give us emotional object constancy. This reveals the value of a supportive community It pro-vides strength.
We know we are loved and valued.
Support empowers us to confront Good friends strengthen us. With their help, we can take complex steps We become empowered to take action that otherwise drains us emotionally.
Support empowers us to move away from unhealthy relationships.
On occasion, we may be guilty of not keeping good company Often, we prefer to stay in an unhealthy relation-ship
We believe it is better than no relationship at all.
This reflects low self-esteem It is self-sabotaging We can do better.
We get what we tolerate.
We train people how to treat us, be it for good or ill We gain con-fidence when we live within a community of good friends They are the fruit of exercising better discernment and boundaries.
Applying them provides greater peace of mind It is something we need to thrive in today's hectic society.
We help ourselves when we let go of manipulative, controlling relationships By exercising discernment, our relationships improve Taking a stand is applying the courage derived from our supportive network When we are confident in our values, we remove the decaying fruit of unhealthy acquaintances.
As we get better, so will our relationships with others.
How About You?
Please share the qualities of intimacy you enjoy with a dear friend.
May you have a great and grateful day. I know I will!
Pablo
I just got in from working tonight in Alameda until 10:00 p.m. Afterwards, I did errands and shopped for food. Tonight will be to the point.
A point of clarity. I do not suggest using our freedom to excuse rudeness.
A guest to this inn once said:
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