I wrote to a friend I've known since twelve. A disap-pointment needed processing. Expres-sing our concerns is the best approach.
Image: "Scotland: Ben Nevis With His Hat On"
Non-violent communication (NVC) helps. We get better results when expressing needs without using Life Alienating Communication. For more about this subject, you can read here.
Its five forms are blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment. Rela-tionships improve when using NVC.
The letter worked: my friend responded to my needs. I strongly expressed what disturbed me and what I wanted in our relationship.
Our life improves, when we take care of the needs beneath what troubles us. It involves standing in our power, recovery and integrity. You can read here (the second half of this post), for addition-al thoughts.
We needn't be stuck or panic when life presents unwanted circumstances.
It's our responsibility, handling life's disappointments. Resentment builds if we expect others to rescue us.
A child, we are not. Responsibility for effecting outcomes we want is ours. We are the only per-son on earth who can make our needs our number one responsibility. (Courage to Change, p. 229)
One key point: it helps seeking God's will, along with asking Him for the power to carry it out. This is applying Step 11 in recovery. If things don't go our way, we don't sulk.
We trust life's out-comes after our best ef-forts at following His will.
Asking God to do what we want is asking him to perform our will, not His. In Twelve Step recovery work, making a decision to turn our life over to the God of our understanding is the Third Step. It grants us serenity.
We will be happier campers. A crucial point: if I'm disturbed by a person or circumstance, I haven't turned that person or situation over to God. I'm still at square one, Step One, in recovery speak.
We'll be encouraged, seeing new legacies rooting in our lives, the result of exercising constructive actions. Expressing our needs, while also being respectful towards others is a difficult characterological skill. It is a skill not taught to us as kids.
It isn't our family's fault, alone, this inability to express our values and needs while simultaneously being kind and courteous. Churches and schools contributed to our social ineptness, as kids.
Unhealthy Principles Often Taught in Childhood:
1. We are to unquestioningly obey others.
2. Expressing our opinion is not allowed.
3. To not speak, unless spoken to versus being respected for what we have to say.
4. Others know our needs better than we do. We are to trust and defer to the opinion of others, even if we ar uncomfortable or disagree with the views presented.a. This is the beginning of being externally referented.
5. Ignore our feelings. Comply, even if it doesn't feel right, because we should.
6. Disagreeing, is disrespectful. This is especially if the other person is an authority figure.
7. Passivity is encouraged.
Often we are coerced as children to open our minds. Allowing values to be poured into our minds. They are not to be challenged. This was being a good child, student and parishoner. There was a small problem. We are individuals.
The above listed values are unpalatable, now and back then. Holding onto our dignity and self-esteem, by swimming against the current of childhood authority figures, was courting punishment and shame while growing up. As a result, we face disappointment, the crushing of our spirit.
The values listed above make us timid, not a driven or confident person. Defiance towards authority figures subjected to shame, punishment and ridicule. Our independent self is tamed, squelched.
We want to live in relationships where we enjoy reciprocity, mutuality and independence. Being respectful while maintaining our individuality allows us to be authentic and peace of mind. We'll be happier while maintaining our dignity, too. We'll enjoy improved, balanced relationships.
Our vision clears, allowing us to make decisions that are fair for everyone, others and ourselves, too. Frustration is replaced with satisfying relationships. What a gift it is, being freed from the disease of codependency.
Expressing Our Voice
We have integrity when voicing our boundaries. We being at home with ourselves. Boundaries declare our values, likes and dislikes.
It lets others know the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that define who we are. If we want to be happy, we need to be adults. Adults disagree with others. Boundaries are normal and necessary for equanimity and peace of mind, and emotional safety.
We risk disapproval when we are clear about our boundaries and are mindful our worth is not based upon what others think of me. (Courage to Change, pps. 9, 118, 217)
Others can think and feel however they please about us. But, we are happiest when our behavior is congruent with our internal clock. We enjoy greater satisfaction when we live consistently with our worldview.
Will rattle others, though.How About You?
1. Is there anything that prevents you from expressing your views?
2. What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child?
2. What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child?
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6 comments:
Dear Innkeeper,
On this Tuesday night, I am grateful for;
1. The kind benevolence and grace a dear friend in Texas has extended to me in light of an unintentionally hurtful oversight on my part. My amends was met with the generosity of forgiveness; moving.
2. Quality time with a bright, young, new-hire work colleague; on the road with sales calls, and an animated lunch conversation.
3. Being duly corrected by my wife tonight for not consulting her first and foremost as my life and parenting partner, when saying yes to a small loan to our deserving #4 son.
I don't like conflict. I let people rant and rave so they can release anger, but I won't reflect it back on them. I approach them after to say that was unacceptable behaviour and I won't tolerate it, but it's too late ya know? - We talked about this.
I love talk therapy though. My doctors, my group sessions, friends, family, wow…I talk a lot!!
What prevents me from expressing my views?
The belief that I will be judged or misunderstood.
Worrying about being inappropriate.
Believing that my view is not valued.
What allows me to overcome negative conditioning?
Realizing my negative beliefs are only beliefs, they are not facts. In fact, they are lies I tell myself.
My Al-Anon sponsor's repetition helps me rewire old beliefs.
Paying attention to my feelings - recognizing when I feel discomfort and seeing where that leads. I often find self judgement.
Dear Innkeeper,
On this Thursday night, I am grateful for;
1. A wonderful gathering of friends and kindred souls tonight in Berkeley to break bread, hear amazing Gospel Music (Josh Cotter, Rob Schwartz. and his incomparable brother Stevin), a talk and discussion.
2. Robin Schweters remarkably delicious Almond Squares for dessert!
3. Two brief power-naps today while out on my weekly work-pilgrimage to Sonoma, Napa and Concord, finally landing in Berkeley.
My apologies to everyone who commented. Somehow,I overlooked your comments, in the administrative page that lets me know there are comments. I just saw them, now.
Dear Carl,
How did you make amends, if I may ask? You are lucky. You have a built in governor, who keeps you accountable. Fortunate man, you are.
Dear Vanessa,
I hope you see this, this tardy reply. I'm sorry for not answering sooner.
I don't let people rant and rave. It neither helps them or me, the listener. I rather address the needs underneath their anger. That allows us to stay in the solution.
Good for you; you connect with others. Often, when discussing what troubles us, in a healthy environment, naming what ails us removes the power of the vexing issue, and that's terrific for us, mentally and emotionally.
I love your comments. I'll answer them sooner, in the future.
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