My Gratitudes for Today:
1. I wrote a letter to a friend I've known since I was twelve. A disappointment needed processing. Expressing concerns in a caring manner isbest.
Non-violent communication (NVC) helps. For more about this subject, you can read here. I get better results when I express needs without using the five forms of Life Alienating Communication: blame, shame, fear, guilt or judgment. My relationships improve, too, using NVC.
The letter worked: my friend responded immediately. I did something, I expressed my disappointment.
It's important realizing it's my responsibility dealing with life's disappointments. I'm setting myself up for resentment if I expect others to rescue me.
I'm not a child, I'm an adult; I'm responsible for effecting the outcomes I want to see. I am the only person on earth that can make taking care of my needs my number one responsibility.
One key point, however. It's best seeking God's will for my life. In addition, I ask Him for the power to carry it out. So, if things don't go my way, I don't get angry.
Asking God to do what I want is asking him to perform my will, not His. I turned my will and life over to Him decades ago. Doing so has made my life more serene, I'm a happy camper.
Here's an important tip. If I'm still disturbed by a person or circumstance, then I haven't turned that person or situation over to God. I'm still at square one.
2. I'm encouraged, seeing new legacies taking root in my life by taking different, constructive actions.
Knowing how to express our needs and be respectful towards others at the same time is a difficult skill. Usually---and unfortunately---it is not taught to children. And, it isn't only our family's fault that we haven't learned how to expresses our values while still being kind and courteous towards others. Churches and schools contribute to our social ineptness, too, as kids.
Unhealthy Principles Taught As a Child:
a. To unquestioningly obey others.
b. Expressing my opinion was not allowed, I was a child.
c. To not speak, unless spoken to.
d. Others know my needs better than me. Trust others and defer to their opinion, even if I was uncomfortable or disagreed with the views presented.
e. Ignore my feelings. Comply, even if it doesn't feel right, because I was supposed to.
f. Disagreeing, was disrespectful, especially if the other person was an authority figure.
g. Passivity was encouraged.
I was to open my mind and allow information and values to be poured into my mind, without challenging them. The problem was that I was strong-willed. The above values were unpalatable. Boy, am I glad I held onto my dignity and self-esteem by swimming against the current created by childhood authority figures.
As a youth, I disagreed with parental and authority figures----usually teachers. I held my values. As a result I was a happier, less timid, more driven person, even though these authority figures tried to beat my independent self out of me.
3. Am I glad, I don't live in a one-down position with others. Communicating in a way that allows me to meet my needs, while being respectful towards others makes me contented, and more fulfilled, and I maintain my dignity. I enjoy improved, balanced relationships.
I see more clearly. Less frustrated, I am.
Expressing Our Voice
I'm thankful for the dignity provided when exercising my voice. No, I'm not referring to my vocal chords, but feeling at home with myself, where I express my values, likes and dislikes. If we want to be happy, we need to be adults. Adults disagree with others. That's normal.
I'm increasingly able to risk the disapproval of others when I'm clear about my boundaries and the fact that my worth is not based upon what others think of me. (Courage to Change, p 118, 217)
I'm thankful for the dignity provided when exercising my voice. No, I'm not referring to my vocal chords, but feeling at home with myself, where I express my values, likes and dislikes. If we want to be happy, we need to be adults. Adults disagree with others. That's normal.
I'm increasingly able to risk the disapproval of others when I'm clear about my boundaries and the fact that my worth is not based upon what others think of me. (Courage to Change, p 118, 217)
Others can think and feel however they please. But, I'm happy when my behavior is congruent with my internal clock, worldview and voice. I do rattle others, though. In a quiet manner, however. Those who know me personally can attest I'm soft-spoken, but tenacious. I didn't say vicious----I'm not interested in harming anyone.
The Innkeeper Given the Cold Shoulder
Sunday evening, I met with friends. It was difficult hearing people criticizing spouses who weren't there. When I piped up, I emphasized the road I traveling is arduous, but good----satisfying.
Yes, life has it's problems, I agreed. However, I mentioned I prefer relating with those who stay in the solution----not those who dwell on their problems. I added that I keep my distance when relating with emotional vampires.
You know the type, those who suck up our energy, and then some. I mentioned I bless people who are like that, and send them on their way. They're not God's gift for me.
I have enough work, dealing with my issues. My concern about others I give to God; they don't need my criticism, nor does it help any. The only person I can semi-control is myself. Even there, I require God's help, in order to have the life I want.
You could heard a pin drop, when I finished talking. I thought it funny how the group behaved when we called it a night. Those who complained that night, avoided me.
I thought their response was hilarious. It's great looking at life with a sense of humor. I thank God for my Balcony People, they keep me sane. They allow me to maintain a positive perspective.
How About You?
1. What do you think prevents many from expressing their views?
2. What allows you to overcome any negative conditioning you experienced as a child?
2. What allows you to overcome any negative conditioning you experienced as a child?
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4 comments:
"silent and not express my opinion"...
It seems to be the current trend in my family, led by my mom, that if you pretend something is not there...it goes away. I have no idea how long of time span 'current' is.
I am very much discouraged and frowned upon for stirring things up and discussing things and not ignoring things and not letting things go and being 'confrontational'.
My gratitude that comes from yesterday is that I was able to make some light small talk with someone without crawling out of my skin. He was from England and I have friends in England, so I was able to pretend I know a few things and talk about the wonders of the internet (as that is how I met my friend) etc.
Also, I wanted to thank you for giving me all of those pages and references from the various literature.
And I want to apologize for not commenting quickly on your comments. I used to be in the habit of commenting on everyone's comments, and then things got a little ugly, so I shut down commenting back all together. Perhaps I should start again. It is nice to have an open dialogue.
P.S. Nice picture. Did you take it? I saw the caption....it almost looks as if it could be an oil painting. It's gorgeous.
Kelly,
First, thank you for sharing a gratitude! It makes my day, when I read gratitudes from others who drop by this inn.
Regarding your family, while that may be the way you were expected to behave as a child, you are no longer one. We don't have to accept the way others want us to behave. I won't allow others to condition me, like some docile pet.
Part of becoming an adult is growing from a one down position to that of an equal. This is true, regardless whether others treat us as one, or not. We are everyone else's equal.
You know what John Bradshaw calls the person who speaks the truth in a emotionally healthy family? The black sheep. So be it, wear that mantle with pride. We are healthier when we express our needs. Of course we want to do so with courtesy and kindness.
"As an ornament of gold or a earring of fine gold, is a wise person's reproof to a listening ear."
Kelly, please be who you are, even with this guy from England. As I wrote in this blog, if I have to be other than I am, when I'm with others, I want to bless that person and send them on their way. They are not God's gift for me. I've had to do this with family members. It's hard, yes. But it's harder yet, to be someone other than myself.
I'm glad you liked the references I sent you. (Any one else interested in some passages about dealing with stress and relationship, please let me know----I'll include some of them in this blog.) The passages I listed are outstanding. They enable me to grow beyond the limitations set upon me as a child, in the home I grew up in. The literature I shared helps me to place healthy principles above those areas in my life where I'm still vulnerable and need to grow.
I noticed your silence with some of my posts elsewhere in cyberland. I'm sorry things got ugly for you. That won't be the case here, not that you would think that.
Open dialog refreshes the soul, especially when it's in an environment where we are accepted, where we are encouraged to share, like here.
Kelly,
I love the picture, too. No, I didn't take the photo. I wish I was that talented. Even if I was, I don't live in that part of the country.
Paul,
I was very much myself with the random man from the other side of the pond. What I meant by 'pretend' was that I was able to gather the things I know about England and kind of use them in a conversation, all the while admitting that I know nothing about it aside from what I know. I am better at being myself with strangers than with people I know because it is the people I know that usually have a box that I no longer fit into/never fit into at all.
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