Thursday, March 20

Maintaining Our Values, Revisited 3/20/14

How are you?

I'll talk about the topic of forgiveness at the end of this post.  Thanks for dropping by. Be sure to have a cup of coffee and sit down, before reading this; it's a bit longer than most.  Please take what you like and leave the rest.
Having Our Voice, Exercising Boundaries
Disagreeing with Others is Part of Being an Adult

         One of my favorite quotes is on the right.  What's appealing about that quote?  Freedom. It's important maintaining integrity with our values, even if it upsets others.
A point of clarification is in order. I'm not suggesting using our freedom to excuse rudeness, or abuse, be it verbal, emotional, physical, mental or spiritual.

    Expressing our concerns, kindly, when something troubles us, is essential for maintaining our serenity.
Communicating our needs in a way that motivates the listener to consider hearing us, is desirable. I say what concerns me, once----unless I'm asked to clarify.  I leave it at that.  Making a request, not a demand, when something troubles me, is the way I go about it.  If that doesn't work, looking at what can we do, so that the other person and myself can have both of our needs met, is my approach.

       One part of  adulthood is disagreeing. Not expressing our boundaries, adhering to our values, creates inner frustration, not to mention chaos.  Not mentioning what troubles us, courts danger.  Issues don't get better, when ignored.  Feelings can quickly pile up. We train others how to treat us, by standing for what's important.

      We also give them a message when we don't adhere to our values.  I agree with the statement on the right. No longer am I a willing participant when encountering emotional bullies.

      Communicating with respect, is best. Twisting a verbal knife into a person----using profanities, insults or derision, to make our point, is not appealing.  I know.  I've experienced it lately.  I thank God for having Balcony People.  Convincing people is not my job.  And, it's best not using spite.

    I'm not interested in relating with scorpions.  Please click here, for more about this.

My Gratitudes for Today:

1. I'm grateful for character discernment.
        It allows me to relate with safe people  For more about how to distinguish those who are good and those who are unhealthy for us, read here.  I avoid those who aren't.  Not long ago, my people picker was broken.  Not so, now.  Now, I'm happier and have better friends.
2. I don't accept unacceptable behavior.
3. I'm thankful I don't allow others determine my moods or define who I am. I don't surrender chunks of who I am, or my values, to keep a relationship.  When we do so, we put ourselves in a one-down relationship.
     Part of adulthood is moving from a one-down position (which was the case when we were a child) to becoming equal with other adults.  I treat others with respect, I equally need others to reciprocate.
4. I have values that motivate my reactions to others.  I am not externally referented--- basing my worth on how others treat me or their values. Their behavior towards me says nothing about my worth.  I have value simply because I'm God's child. By the way, the same is true with you.
5. I cherish emotionally mature friends. They are positive, optimistic and considerate.
6. I'm glad that because I am bonded with good friends. My connection with them allows me to detach from those who are unable to show respect.
7. I'm thankful for forgiveness. If we don't forgive those who harm us, we become handcuffed to them. (See the latter part of this link.)  Bitterness is a corrosive toxicity that eats at our soul for lunch.  Forgiveness is the bolt cutter that frees us from these handcuffs.  Letting go removes us from the emotional and psychological attachment to those who have harmed us.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt.
How About You?
1. How are you, when it comes to disagreements?
2. What is your response, when you are attacked?  What need of yours is NOT met, when that happens?
3. What enables you to forgive others who are unkind?  What do you tell yourself?
Related Post:
Image: "Railway Bridge" by Tim Blessed © all rights reserved, used by permission

1 comment:

Carl H said...

Dear Innkeeper,

Thank you for your insightful and thought-provoking Wednesday and Thursday posts.

A. When it comes to disagreements, I'm slowly learning to be patient, not react as quickly or as much as I used to do; to breathe, and take a moment to respond. I sometimes fail at this, but keep trying. I'm also trying to remember to start with, "you may be right..."

B. When attacked I used to become immediately defensive, attacking back. Now, when my needs for kindness, mutual respect and fairness are not being met, I'm learning to find creative ways to let the other person know that.

C. I forgive others by trying to (stand in the shoes of their life experience) intuit or understand what is the hurt or unresolved pain from their childhood or youth, causing them to be hurtful. I tell myself that its not about me, but about something in them that makes them lash out. If I can remove myself from the equation, and learn to have more compassion, I'll be able to spare myself the toxicity of grudge or resentment. Easily said; not easy to do, but I believe is well worth learning...

My Thursday Gratitudes are..."a day late and (as they say in the Holy Land),a Scheckel Short," but alas, here they be;

On this Friday night, I am grateful for;

1. A warm, loving and meaningful circle of healing fellowship with friends on an Island in the Bay, on Wednesday night.

2. A similar circle my wife and I joined tonight in Hayward around the theme "Slogans." My share was confessional and thus medicinal for both me and my wife. I announced I was founding a new 12-Step Group called "Remote Controllers Anonymous!" (RCA) That's me always trying to "fix" my wife's viewing of non HD channels, when HD is available! My slogans for the night are; Live and Let Live," "How Important is It?" "Let Go and Let God," "Clean My Side of the Street," "The Three G's," etc.

3. Awareness, Acceptance and Action around an unexpected, (grumbling at first, I must admit...) return trip to Napa today to deliver an errant Salmon that never made it onto the (inattentive) drivers truck this morning. Chef Jose at Sushi Mambo was pleased, as will be his dining guests this weekend! And hey, at the end of the day, that is what matters!

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.