Emotional Resiliency: Three Traits Needed 3/11/14

Traits of Emotional Resiliency:

Use of Boundaries

1.  Those who bounce back from trauma and negative circumstances have boundaries. 

      They are clear about who they are. They do not allow others to define them. Others do not determine their moods. . They are not externally referented.

 They Do Not Take Things Personally

2.  Resilient people see the Big Picture. 

 

   They un-derstand the the differ-ence between who they are and the cause of their present suffering. They know bad things happen to good people.  It is not because those suffering have done something wrong. 

      Rich Buhler in his book, Beyond Pain and Pretending, writes about the Law of Eligibility.   It states that "bad things happen to bad people." It is akin to ancient Grecian myth-ology.  If you do something wrong, you'll be zapped by a lightning bolt from Zeus.  If you mess up, what will be left of you is a greasy smudge, the result of being a human lightning rod.   Or you may be turned into a pig.  Or a goat.  

      There is good news.  Mr. Buhler informs us this Law of Eligi-bility is false.  People usu-ally suffer because vic-timizers---emotional vampires and narcissists---exist in the world. 

Stress Does Not Define Them

3.  For the emotionally resilient, stress might play a part in their story.  But it does not overtake their identity. They are not what happens to them.  They detach from their circumstances.  

          They do not react.  They respond.  Resilient people continuously work on their vulnerabilities.  They strengthen these areas.  They apply healthy alternatives.  

          In other words, they use antidotes for their depression. They know how to overcome fear.  Resilient people remedy resentment.  They take action against anxiety.  

          They pray.  They turn their problems over to God.  They meditate.  They talk out their stress.  They empty out to good company.  They get out their stress by exercise. They journal. 

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   Last Novem-ber there was a horrific experi-ence at an Al-Anon Family Group meeting. 

      It created an opportunity to practice resil-iency. 

       It morphed into abuse.  It happened o-ver four weeks.  Gossip, lies, slander, defama-tion took over.  A sweet meet-ing became a cesspool of rife. 

       The group spun out of control.  Someone new to this program was asked to guide the group.  A huge mistake.  Being codependent, she made matters worse. She placed her dam-aged, vulnerable personality above principles. 

      Bad idea. 

      Al-Anon's spirit departed from that meeting. The root prob-lem was envy.  The common wel--fare of those attending was not considered.  Two women shatter-ed the unity that was once there.
  
      The foundational principles of this fellowship were ignored.  What transpired revealed that many attending did not know the steps and traditions of Al-Anon Family Groups.  The situation was similar to individ-uals reciting liturgies at church and not living by them. 

      I had attended this meeting for six years.  My response was simple.  I appealed to the group.  I asked if Al-Anon's principles could be applied.  

      Egos got involved.  Judgment, divisive-ness and character assassination grew.  The place became toxic.  

      The startled ma-jority lacked courage.  They could not voice their discomfort.  They were unable to stand up to those spreading lies and discontent.

       One option remained.  Leave.  It is not our role convincing others or to correct.  Taking care of ourselves is staying in the solution.  We can bless those creating the discord and stop attending.  

      The two damaging this meeting were not God's gift to the group. The people God has for us have our best interests in mind.  That wasn't the case here. 

      Life-giving people are emotionally mature. They are supportive. They live by healthy principles. 

      Many who attended that once-healthy meeting voted with their feet.  They moved on, birthing a new meeting.  They are focusing on Al-Anon principles and its litera-ture.

      Am I glad.  I attend this meeting.