Being an Adult---Saying No Gently, Without Fear, Getting Out of the Fog............................................. 10/26/11

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you
 used one to say “thank you?”  William Arthur Ward Please
do so today by posting a gratitude. It will do you good. 

      I love seeing peo-ple grow in aware-ness. Today, I spoke with several consid-ering their options.  They no longer auto-matically accommo-date the needs of others when others make demands.

       Part of being an adult happens when we disa-gree, agreeably.  Expressing our opinion, voicing what we want, creates a great antidote to depression or resentment. If we fear dif-fering with others, we will find ourselves in a one-down relationship. 

       It's frustrating and dis-empowering to yield our values to others.  Often we don't want to create a stink or we fear harming the connec-tion. If someone doesn't respect our values, what type of relationship do we have?

       Yielding to others, in order to please, has an unpleasant impact upon our emotions (we become angry or depressed),  our mental state (we can fall into self-loathing or nega-tivity), and our physical well-being.(think of getting hives, high blood pressure or strokes).

       All such negative conse-quences result from not exercising boundaries.  We do not know how to say our "no" as gently as our yes.  It helps remembering that "no" forms a complete sentence. We have a right to refuse without explanation.

     If someone displays anger because we say no, they reveal much.  They want us to make decisions based upon their reaction, not our principles.  By giving in, we place their personality above our values.  Our emotional health develops when we place principles first.

      Their angry response violates a basic right of ours as adults, the right to make choices.  There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear, or guilt to motivate us: manipulation.  It's emo-tional coercion, a form of violence.  

       Giving in to a bully reveals emotional slavery. 

 "Guilty or reluctant compli-          ance is never operating                from love; it is slavery."  

                Changes That Heal, p. 126. 

     When we yield to the coercion of others, we ransom our freedom.  We are surrendering our integrity.  We are not being true to our values.  

     We believe to keep the relationship we have to give in.  Is that in our best interests?  You know the answer. 

     The angry person wants control over our lives and what we choose.  Not a good deal.  When this happens, we should be energized regarding our stance and opposition. 

   

      Their behavior informs us, at least at that moment, he or she is neither considering our opinion nor feel-ings.  We must insist on having reciprocity, bal-ance, and fairness in all our relationships. 

      This is where we need to get out of the FOG, fear, obliga-tion, or guilt.  When we live in the fog we are not operating from love or independence.  Yielding against our wishes only alienates the relationship, creating frustration and resentment within us. 

      For meaningful relationships, we speak our truth calmly, without fear.  When we do, we will have better connections with others.  Because we are letting them bond with whom we really are. 

My Gratitudes

1.  I met with friends this evening. Wariness happens after going through an emotional hurricane Monday.  I saw someone at tonight's event, resolving an issue. I enjoy reducing clutter in the attic of my mind.

2.  I got reimbursed for expenses for com-munity service I do. I appreciate working with others who have integrity and follow through with their responsibilities---in this case taking care of money owed.
3. My two younger sons are joining me Friday for two seminars I'll attend that day. They are serious about wanting to grow in their effectiveness professionally, financially, and in their interactions with others.

     I'm proud to have sons who want to take a serious look at areas where they can grow. I appreciate seeing them continually mature, characterologically, before my eyes. I'm happy we'll be able to share the day together. What a treat. Really.  

     Okay, you know the routine. I ask visitors to please sign the registry by sharing three gratitudes.  Today, if that is daunting, I'll go easy: I'll ask for one. I appreciate the fellowship and community we share when you do comment here. Thanks!

Related Post:

Being Gentle When Expressing Our View