A Lifechanging Month ............... 4/27/23

    I have no idea what I'll write, a common theme when contrib-uting a new post in this inn of thanks.  I'd love to hear from you.  Many of you are Silent Readers. 

    You drop by, taking in the of-ferings of this inn of gratitude. I imagine your attendance informs me you enjoy this positive place in cyberspace. This posting is the 1,470th 

    That number surprises me,

Being an Adult: Exercising the Right to Say No 5/31/22

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you
 used one to say 'thank you?' ” William Arthur Ward. Please
do so today by posting your gratitude. It will do you good. 

       Republishing this post.  Most of you were not guests back then, nearly eleven years ago.  

       I hope it encour-ages you to stand up for your values. 

       Here it is: 

Overcoming Negative Feelings, Getting Back to Calmness............... 1/31/22

    I've been wiped out.  

    No, not with Co-vid, but with a cold.  It subdued my usu-ally positive feelings and point of view. 

    I sat with these negative emotions.  I discovered this past week, my adolescent days were not over.  I

Better Relationships, Using the Feedback Formula............ 12/08/21

     The Feedback Formula provides peace of mind and healthier relationships.

     Do you know what helps us when some-one troubles us?  This tool.  It allows us to express our feelings and needs clearly without being aggres-sive. 

      It reveals our response if the prob-lem persists.  We speak our truth, which reduces frustration and increases our serenity and ease when enduring difficulties. 

An Overview of Acceptance. Using Recovery, We Thrive............ 5/31/21

The Dictionary Definition of Acceptance

        There is the dic-tionary definition of acceptance.  It is akin to resignation.  "I have to accept or resign myself with the fact my wife or husband is control-ling."   Or, "I have to accept that my rela-tionship with a loved

Emotional Sobriety: Having EQ......... 4/30/21

       Reflections dur-ing the end of this month of openings.  The month of April is named as such because this is the month when flowers start blooming or opening up. In Span-ish, the name for this month is Abril.  It is easy seeing this con-nection to the Span-ish word abrir, to

Innkeeper Ruminations 4/16/21

        Today, I'm airing out thoughts, staying in touch with you as we have not visi-ted lately. 

        With each day, my life is becoming more re-laxed, com-fortable. 

Today Is A Big Day 3/13/21

      Today is special. 

      It is the 10th anniversary when this place opened.  Thank you for popping in, joining the innkeeper as we cele-brate this milestone.  So many things have happened during this time. 

      I'm older.  Hopefully wiser.  Tend-ing this place stretches me.  

      I've grown in expressing my

Lessons Learned After Relating with a Negative, Critical Person................... 2/27/21

      A project I finished yester-day. 

     I did tasks I don't care for: it involved facts, figures, and sum-maries. Not my typical work.  Seven hours

Thoughts on the Christmas We Just Celebrated........... 12/31/20

Taken from my favorite Christmas book,
The Christ Child, Iilustrated by Miska and
 Maud Petersham 

     I hope you had a Merry Christmas. 

    What is Christmas?  Nope, it isn't about gifts.  It's about one Gift, Christ.  This holiday is about God's incarnation, dwelling among us, full of grace and truth.  (John 1:14)

    Thank you, for journeying with me this year.  I appre-ciate your visits.  Inspired and cheered, is my hope, each time your drop by. 

An Overview of Codependency, Revisited ........... 12/13/20

"I have been young, and now I am old; yet
 have  I not seen the righteous forsaken, 
nor His seed begging bread."  Ps. 37:25

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is
missing in his or her humanity.A person can almost
be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.”
        Elie Wiesel

A Provision Perspective that Promotes Peace 
     In this weak economy, many are anxious about financial security.  Neither our income nor our job is the source of our provision: 

Having Fun, Laying Down Boundaries When Someone Does Not Want to Grow.............. ...................11/8/20

   

Not today

     I'm glad I'm writing again.  

     My two laptops are dead, still.  Today, I bought a touchpad.  It is wonderful, using a keyboard.  

     It is easier than writing with my phone which was used for my last two posts.  That was a labor of

Courage Faces Fear and Thereby Masters It............ 3/5/20

       Awake at this late hour, work-ing, completing a project.  I missed meeting with friends tonight in the lovely island town of Alameda, because of the task before me.

      I haven't strayed from this event in years.

Opportunities for Growth When Challeged ............. 2/23/20

     Yes, I've been away far too long.  My apologies.  Life is busier than ever, all for the good.

    I have snuck in here, from time-to-time, editing "Signs of Being Toxic." 

Emotional Sobriety 11/8/19

Switzerland: Mountain Farm

      Recently, some-one argued with me. I stopped it, cold. I do not tolerate unasked criticism. 

     "Is there a reason that prompts you to argue?"  I asked.

Being Gentle Towards Ourselves, Free from Negative Mental Chatter 7/8/19

      I am grateful for being gentle towards myself  when making mistakes.  I had a one yesterday. I sent an intense text mes-sage to the wrong person.  Oops!

      Patience towards

A Son's Comfort 6/28/19

     

 w

     Jim's emotions tossed around like a wind-blown kite stuck on a power line.

     Will, his Father-in-law died. Jim enjoyed closeness with him more than with his real dad for more than twenty years. Towards the end, weekly, the eighty-year-old man, propped up with pillows, in his king-sized bed, spent an hour and a half with Jim. Usually on Fridays.

     That took place, in the last two months. Before that, they'd play chess, and harmonicas together and go for rides in Jim's sports car or discuss theology.

     During this final season, the old man stayed put, not leaving his bed.  He waited for the sweet chariot.  Any hour, its arrival eagerly sought by Jim's substitute dad.

     It helped Jim's father-in-love remain mentally alert when they took turns reciting quotes.  In their work, they frequently spoke before crowds.  They often used quotations to enliven their public comments before others.

     In Will's bedroom, with no audience, the men drew from their mental library.

    "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do, but it gets you no-where." the old man said, eyes closed, laying flat on his bed, like a deflated balloon. 

     "I need to get out of that rocking chair," he added as an afterthought.

     " I need to get out of that rocking chair.'  Who is that quote from? I never heard it before," Jim teased. 

    "Are you worried about your health?"  asked the son-in-law.

     "Yes, soon I'm embarking on a new journey," said Will.

     "Recovery slaps the hands of anxiety.  It makes it lose the nasty grip nervousness has upon our soul.  Personal growth involves placing healthy principles above the vulner-able parts of our personality. 

     "When this happens, dread is banished,''  Jim replied, revealing his strong memory with this lengthy quote.
   

      He hoped this thought comforted this feeble man who fathered him, every week, for a score of years.

     "Success depends not merely in how well you do in the things you en-joy, but in how conscien-tiously you perform those duties that you don't.  John Maxwell, Developing the Leader Within You," the reclining man retorted.

        Still competitive, the old man revealed his strong memory, too, while changing the subject.

       "Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny,"  Jim replied. He winced with regret after saying that, hoping Will did not take the quote personally, that Jim saw him playing the victim role.

       "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt," answered back Jim's substitute father.

       The old man did so with a gentle smile, not with his lips, but with his face.  His eyes were crinkled.

       Will held Jim's hand.  The visitor sat on the edge of the death bed, next to the father that was the additional prize Jim received when marrying this man's youngest daughter who had naturally blonde hair.  The hour-long visit sped by like the wisps of smoke fleeing when a candle is snuffed out.

       When Jim was around, the lingering emptiness now plaguing his worn-out father evaporated like a pool of water in a midafternoon desert.  A sigh of satisfaction from the old man let Jim know how much Will liked being with him.  It was like the old man won the lottery. 

      The younger man heard Wilbur's labored breathing as a pause of warm silence, lasting a couple of minutes, lingered between them.  It was a quiet moment only those comfortable with each other enjoyed.  And then Will punctured it.
 

      "Jim, please,"   he pleaded while gripping tightly his son-in-law's hand, with a strength he lost months ago, "I want you to give the eulogy when the time comes."

     Never did Jim expect how that worked out three weeks later.

    
 To be continued in an upcoming post. 

The Feedback Formula.......... 5/25/19

      I want to share a helpful tool, one taught to clients, the Feedback  Formu-la.  When someone troubles us, it helps expressing our feel-ings and needs.   This formula lets others know our response if the problem persists.

       I learned this tool from Susan Campbell, author and psychologist.

She mentored me weekly for six  months, a few years ago.

     An overview of the formula: 

"When you do __X, (what-ever behavior)__, I feel _Y (state your emotions)_.  If you continue to do _X   (the behavior)_, I will do _Z_(the consequences)_." 

        It is all about the Zs, the consequences.

  A Specific Example: 

     Let's say someone bothers me by frequently interrupting.
     

 "I notice I am unable to finish my sentences when we talk."

        That's X, the behavior. 

       "When you do that, I am irritated, annoyed." 

        That's Y, the feelings.

        "If you continue to talk over me when we have a conversation...."

         That's X, the behavior mentioned once again in this formula.

         I finish my comment by saying,

          "We will need to put a bookmark in our conversation until it has the balance, fairness and reciprocity it deserves." 

         That's the Z in this formula, the consequences.
       

       There's no judgment, blame, shame, guilt or fear involved when using this approach.

        We are not using life alienating communication.  We are simply giving feedback, what is going on inside of us.  In this example, we reveal our response to the disturbing behavior---being interrupted.

        Also, just as vital, we express what we will do if the vexing behav-ior continues.

        As is the case with developing any skill, practice is essential.  Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.  Like learning a tune on a piano, doing regular practice produces progress.  We im-prove.

        It is critical to self-express.

       Like what they sing about in the Hokey Pokey, that is what the Feedback Formula is all about---saying what is alive, what is going within us.  When communicating transparently, we are authentic.  We are relating.

       This is the opposite of being controlling.

     The Feedback Formula Prevents Manipulation

      No one likes be-ing controlled, having outcomes manipulated. 

      We want to re-veal what happens within us when we encounter interac-tions that do not meet our needs. Some of these needs are emotional safety, closeness and appre-ciation.  In the exam-ple above, I address my need for fairness, respect, a balanced conversation.  I re-veal my  need to be heard, not cut off, when having a con-versation.

       This exercise reduces our frustrations.  We are saying what we want.  We are feeling what we want, when are needs are not being met.

       We are insisting on what we need.  In the example above, it is having a conversation that is balanced, where I can speak without the other person constantly interrupting.  When we reveal what is going on inside of us, to safe people, the relationship thrives.

       The Feedback Formula removes manipulation, managing out-comes.  It creates authenticity, critical for relationships to grow and mature.

     

      To not feel our emotions, or our wants is being controlling.  Think about that.  Usually, we avoid conflict, we comply.  We do not let others know what is alive within us.

       We believe we will create a stink if we stand up for what we believe.  We fear the anger or disapproval of others.

      Complying with others is not letting others know the real us that lives beneath the people-pleasing us.  With authenti-city, genuine bonding takes place.   Our relationships are satisfying.

      We want others to know us for who we genuinely are.  When that happens, bonding takes place at the highest level.  It is soul-satisfying.

     With true bond-ing, we encounter strength and grace.  Life is invigorating. We internalize these character qualities we don't have on our own.

       Healing happens.

        Using the Feedback For-mula life is more fulfilling, less frus-trating. We are living life on life's terms. We are un-caged from pleas-ing others at the expense of not being our true selves.

       The wings of our authentic self unfurl.

       Life is wonder-ful, we enjoy a presence of mind that honors our wants and feelings.  It allows us to soar to heights in rela-tionships we have never known before.

***********

   

      If you want to know other areas where we can experience personal growth---like today's example---let me know in your comments below.  Thanks!

My Favorite Christmas Story 12/24/18

Taken fromThe Christ Child, Illustrated
 by Miska and Maud Petersham 

     Merry Christmas.  That each guest of this inn has a lovely day, on the twenty-fifth of this month is my wish.  I will.

     What is Christmas?  Nope, it is not about gifts.  It is about one Gift.

     This holiday is about God's incarnation.  He took on human form.  This day declares His arrival two millennia ago.

      He dwelt among us, full of grace and truth.  (John 1:14) I know for many this is an outdated concept.

      What Christmas gift can I offer?  How about

More On Communication, the Value of Being Present ................ 11/13/18

        Communica-ting provides opportunities to be present. 

       Being present is tricky, especially when we are agitated or in an emotional slump. Expressing what we feel and want without using conclusions, judgments, assumptions, or blame reveals presence.

        Presence is pausing and being gentle towards the areas where we are stuck. It is feeling our fears and the needs beneath them. It teaches how we can be kind toward our fears or negative feelings. 

        Presence is being firmly planted emotionally. It is being centered and grounded. We truly live only when we are free from mental chat-ter. 

      The other day I was with a couple. Boy, did I learn a lot during my time with them. Some of it is not good.

        It's been a while relating with people not having recovery. I was transparent, cluing them in about an interesting and instructive episode in my life. Immediately, both attacked.

        In my social circle, I connect with those working on their personal growth. I relate with people working on getting the most out of their lives. This couple doesn't.

       "Wow, you were judging her; you were interpreting her mo-tives," they said.
 
        I hadn't and wasn't. Only the spirit of a person knows the thoughts within him or her. I did not let them define me or determine my mood, two qualities of being codependent.

        "See, I told you Pablo was this way," he said to her.

          I realized they were not people I could open up with or trust. It was unsafe being vulnerable with them; that was their loss.

        Being present, I no-ticed my response as I was attacked. It was fascina-ting.

        Initially, I was angry, disturbed, defensive, confused, and sad all at once. Holding multiple feelings demonstrates we are not totally triggered. Our perspective, our Window of Tolerance, is wide enough that we are processing what is happening to us at the moment.  

       This window allows us to have a bigger perspective, not being as reactive.   Something, however, happened right then, with that couple, that hasn't happened in 30 years.

        I felt my anger, not only in my mind but in my cheeks, as this couple judged me. My emotions raged. This physical and emotional radar showed me how intensely I reacted to their negativity and put-downs.

       When agitated, we are not present. Old scars are trigger-ing us. We become hyper-aroused when we become agitated or hypoaroused, we become still, unable to fight back.

        Or both, we are angry but unable to express ourselves because of fear of conflict. In either case, we are not in touch with what is happening. Noticing our needs and our feelings at that moment is not taking place.

        At this Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant, I was present.

        After processing what transpired within me, I was aware of my reactions. I noticed my feelings and observed them. Research shows that by naming our feelings, there is a shift in our limbic system. We become calmer. 

When we are aware of what is happening in the moment we are no longer lost in it.

                                                      Tara Brach 

          At the same time there takes place action in our prefron-tal cortex that actually relaxes the brain. This is vertical integration.

         By being present with myself, and being mindful, I saw the needs beneath my feelings. I wanted three things. Firstly, fairness.

        As I was respectful towards them, I expected the same courtesy. This meant not being judged. When others judge, they are taking a one-up position. There is one problem with doing that. We are all equals.

       There's no need to position ourselves as superior. We are all equals once we turn eighteen, whether others realize that or not.

        Secondly, to thrive in relationships we need emotional safety.   There needs to be the absence of judgment, no interpretations, and no jumping to conclusions. In a word, grace in a relationship is indispensable for it to be healthy and dynamic.

       Lastly, everyone deserves respect. This is a basic human right. Every human being deserves dignity and respect. It is not earned, only trust is earned.

       Back to the scenario at the restaurant, crowded with Warrior fans. What seemed like four minutes took place within one-and-a-half seconds---not a day later, not a week later, not thirty days later, or never.

      I responded. "During our time today,"  I said, with a gentle smile---also known as love apples, "I have not judged either of you."   I continued, "I never gave you permission to judge me and I want you to stop."

      How many people say that? Here we were, at a Buffalo Wild Wings res-taurant, taking in a Warriors basketball game. You know the answer.

       Few speak their truth, what they feel and want. Because ninety-six percent of the world is reactive and co-dependent.

      Their picking at me stopped, immediately. If we express what bothers us, there is a chance circumstances can improve. If we say nothing, there is ZERO chance of that happening. 

      I responded to the negative moment by using presence. My window of toleration is big. The behavior of these two only affected me for 1.5 seconds.

      I was in touch with what roiled within me. I expressed what troubled me calmly, with a gentle smile.

      An hour and a half later, the Warriors game ended. I looked at the couple. "Boy, did our team engage their opponent," I said. They nodded in agreement.

      "And so did we," I continued, looking at them with a quiet, calm gaze. A surprised look flashed upon their faces. I hugged them and they quietly---and I imagine reflectively---headed for their car.

     I stood in my power. I was true to my values. I did not accept unacceptable behavior or com-ments.

     Did it feel good, to honor my dignity. I did so by expressing my needs, calmly, and respectfully, without fear.

     Wishing you many moments of being present, enjoying your life fully, not letting life meekly pass you by,