Emotional Sobriety 11/8/19

Switzerland: Mountain Farm

      Recently, some-one argued with me. I stopped it, cold. I do not tolerate unasked criticism. 

     "Is there a reason that prompts you to argue?"  I asked.

  
    "Can you respect my opinion, instead of trying to change it?"  I continued.  She stopped.  My response was different from how it was during my childhood.

      Back then, my dad dominated me, displaying his insecurities.  There was no other option but to agree.  It was soul-killing, brought up in that environ-ment. 

      The eagle wings of my personality as a young person could not unfurl.  I was caged.  I had to comply.

       I had no say.   As I feel more comfortable with my likes, dislikes, dreams, and wishes---the result of recovery--- I am more comfortable risking the disapproval of others.  I have my voice now. 

 Does it feel good, having my autonomy, voicing my perspective and being true to myself!

       Not outwardly, but within, a big smile burst within my soul, while I calmly disagreed with this person trying to impose her values.

       I relate to those who respect my values.  They do not have to agree. When we realize that we can have different opinions and neither of us are wrong, we can all fit in just as we are. 

       What prompted this living room tempest while with a group of friends? 

       Earlier, I said I liked a certain musician.  She said so-and-so was better.  I didn't ask for her opinion, or her correction. 

      She has her tastes in music. Mine differs.  Staying true to our values prevents controlling people from imposing their opinion upon us. 

       One quality of an adult is disagreeing.  Only children, when it comes to safety and poor judgment, can't. 

      Giving others permission to judge us, is passivity.   Adults maintain their integrity, being true to their values.  Adults do not let the fear of another's anger or rejection stop them from disagreeing. 

       They see anger for what it is: a form of manipulation. Surrendering our values is codependency.  With recovery we seek balance, mutualiy, and fair-ness. Just as another has needs and feelings, so do we. 

       During conflict, we want to ensure that there is a "we" left standing afterwards.  

      During the disagreement, I was present.  Every year we invest in recovery, working on our personal growth, we receive one second of response time. (For more thoughts about improvements, click here.)  I've been in recovery fifteen years.  

     

      During my inter-action with my critic, I had fifteen seconds that held my reactive self at bay.  It provided the emotional sanity and balance needed while relating to her.

       Humor also helps.  It lets us detach from other people's issues. Humor helps us see the silliness often involved when dealing with petty issues.

        It helps us not take personally the behavior of others.

       "How important is it?"  is a recovery slogan that assists when we are in conflict.  It reminds us anger over minor matters isn't worth losing our emo-tional sobriety.  

       What others say is a statement about them, not us, a reflection of their values and personal history.  

 My Gratitudes:

1. For preventing an argument. I said my no as gently as I say my yes.
2. I stood for my values.  I was not passive. 

"There is a price that is too high to pay for peace.  One cannot pay with one's self-respect."                                                                                   Woodrow Wilson.

3. I appreciate the value of pausing.  
       During the conversation, I noticed my reactions.  I breathed, gathering myself before responding.  There is a useful acronym: Pause. 

        In challenging times we can say to our Higher Power, "Please assist until serenity enters."

4. I am happy I am internally referented.  I adhered to my values, being true to them.  I was not swayed; my emotions were not trig-gered.

5. Seeing humor in situations that before  recovery, would have annoyed me.

6. Celebrating serenity, in the midst of an emotional tempest.  I did not let anger or fear control me.

7. Having emotional and psychological distance. This is detaching with love, not amputation. Separating this way allows me the space needed to consider my options.

Images: "Swiss Mountain Farm" and  "Countryside: Evening Sun" by Tim Blessed, all rights reserved, used by permission.