More On Communication, the Value of Being Present ................ 11/13/18

        Communica-ting provides opportunities to be present. 

       Being present is tricky, especially when we are agitated or in an emotional slump. Expressing what we feel and want without using conclusions, judgments, assumptions, or blame reveals presence.

        Presence is pausing and being gentle towards the areas where we are stuck. It is feeling our fears and the needs beneath them. It teaches how we can be kind toward our fears or negative feelings. 

        Presence is being firmly planted emotionally. It is being centered and grounded. We truly live only when we are free from mental chat-ter. 

      The other day I was with a couple. Boy, did I learn a lot during my time with them. Some of it is not good.

        It's been a while relating with people not having recovery. I was transparent, cluing them in about an interesting and instructive episode in my life. Immediately, both attacked.

        In my social circle, I connect with those working on their personal growth. I relate with people working on getting the most out of their lives. This couple doesn't.

       "Wow, you were judging her; you were interpreting her mo-tives," they said.
 
        I hadn't and wasn't. Only the spirit of a person knows the thoughts within him or her. I did not let them define me or determine my mood, two qualities of being codependent.

        "See, I told you Pablo was this way," he said to her.

          I realized they were not people I could open up with or trust. It was unsafe being vulnerable with them; that was their loss.

        Being present, I no-ticed my response as I was attacked. It was fascina-ting.

        Initially, I was angry, disturbed, defensive, confused, and sad all at once. Holding multiple feelings demonstrates we are not totally triggered. Our perspective, our Window of Tolerance, is wide enough that we are processing what is happening to us at the moment.  

       This window allows us to have a bigger perspective, not being as reactive.   Something, however, happened right then, with that couple, that hasn't happened in 30 years.

        I felt my anger, not only in my mind but in my cheeks, as this couple judged me. My emotions raged. This physical and emotional radar showed me how intensely I reacted to their negativity and put-downs.

       When agitated, we are not present. Old scars are trigger-ing us. We become hyper-aroused when we become agitated or hypoaroused, we become still, unable to fight back.

        Or both, we are angry but unable to express ourselves because of fear of conflict. In either case, we are not in touch with what is happening. Noticing our needs and our feelings at that moment is not taking place.

        At this Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant, I was present.

        After processing what transpired within me, I was aware of my reactions. I noticed my feelings and observed them. Research shows that by naming our feelings, there is a shift in our limbic system. We become calmer. 

When we are aware of what is happening in the moment we are no longer lost in it.

                                                      Tara Brach 

          At the same time there takes place action in our prefron-tal cortex that actually relaxes the brain. This is vertical integration.

         By being present with myself, and being mindful, I saw the needs beneath my feelings. I wanted three things. Firstly, fairness.

        As I was respectful towards them, I expected the same courtesy. This meant not being judged. When others judge, they are taking a one-up position. There is one problem with doing that. We are all equals.

       There's no need to position ourselves as superior. We are all equals once we turn eighteen, whether others realize that or not.

        Secondly, to thrive in relationships we need emotional safety.   There needs to be the absence of judgment, no interpretations, and no jumping to conclusions. In a word, grace in a relationship is indispensable for it to be healthy and dynamic.

       Lastly, everyone deserves respect. This is a basic human right. Every human being deserves dignity and respect. It is not earned, only trust is earned.

       Back to the scenario at the restaurant, crowded with Warrior fans. What seemed like four minutes took place within one-and-a-half seconds---not a day later, not a week later, not thirty days later, or never.

      I responded. "During our time today,"  I said, with a gentle smile---also known as love apples, "I have not judged either of you."   I continued, "I never gave you permission to judge me and I want you to stop."

      How many people say that? Here we were, at a Buffalo Wild Wings res-taurant, taking in a Warriors basketball game. You know the answer.

       Few speak their truth, what they feel and want. Because ninety-six percent of the world is reactive and co-dependent.

      Their picking at me stopped, immediately. If we express what bothers us, there is a chance circumstances can improve. If we say nothing, there is ZERO chance of that happening. 

      I responded to the negative moment by using presence. My window of toleration is big. The behavior of these two only affected me for 1.5 seconds.

      I was in touch with what roiled within me. I expressed what troubled me calmly, with a gentle smile.

      An hour and a half later, the Warriors game ended. I looked at the couple. "Boy, did our team engage their opponent," I said. They nodded in agreement.

      "And so did we," I continued, looking at them with a quiet, calm gaze. A surprised look flashed upon their faces. I hugged them and they quietly---and I imagine reflectively---headed for their car.

     I stood in my power. I was true to my values. I did not accept unacceptable behavior or com-ments.

     Did it feel good, to honor my dignity. I did so by expressing my needs, calmly, and respectfully, without fear.

     Wishing you many moments of being present, enjoying your life fully, not letting life meekly pass you by,