control others.
He tears up and cries at will. His emotional displays didn't work. At least, on me. But it definitely manipulated his mother. Wow.
His need for attention was insatiable. Life was only about him. He moaned, semi-sobbing, and outright crying, letting us know his disappointment, when his way was not had. Was there no peace for the innkeeper, when with this lad? There was. Plenty.
Because of recovery, not only do I not let others define me, but I don't let people determine my moods, either. I don't get triggered. I'm grounded. Neither my serenity nor joy are jeopardized by controlling others. They can't manipulate me, no matter how hard they try.
The young guy's sister screamed in the back seat, as she sat next to him. Large portions of her hair threaded through his clenched knuckles, as he pulled it. There were his sound effects, too. He grunted while she pleaded for him to let go.
"Billy, I want us to have peace and quiet," I said, while having eye contact with him, using the rear view mirror. He continued his shenanigans.
"I'm pulling over. This commotion is going to stop," I said. Immediately, Billy ceased his high pitched moaning. He released his hold on his sister's hair. Rocking back, his head and body pushed against the seat. He didn't move. "Billy's" devilish grin evaporated. Too late.
The car was pulled over. It landed on a patch of dirt that got me off Highway 1, the road that snakes the rugged California coast. Silence prevailed in the back seat. The young man didn't move, barely breathing.
Climbing out the car, I was careful, avoiding the highway traffic roaring by. The back door I opened. I asked "Bob," Billy's older brother, to step out. He did, walking away from the car, down the dirt pullout, separating himself from the ensuing drama.
"Billy, I need you to get out of the car. I want you in the front seat." There was no tension in my voice. He didn't budge, ignoring me. His mother got out of the car, now standing next to me. Tension painted her face.
"I see you won't move. I am disappointed, needing your cooperation. I am sad you are behaving this way after being treated by me on this trip." Calm I was, no need for glaring at "Billy."
Not an inch he moved. I stood there, being present. Within two minutes, he got out of the car and sat in front. Peace was restored.
I love the fact it is not my job, changing others. My responsibility is stating my needs and leaving the results to God. I'm thankful for learning to walk the tightrope of adhering to my values while being kind, firm and considerate towards others, including those who cross my boundaries.
This, one of many episodes with "Billy" on Sunday reminded me of the following:
Gratitudes:"The truth [or principles] are like a lion. We don't have to defend it. Let it loose, it will defend itself."
1. For the peace of mind I enjoy because I am internally, not externally referented. Others do not affect the serenity and joy I know.
2. For knowing the truth is like a lion. I do not have to defend it. I simply let it loose. It will defend itself.
3. For presence of mind, the result of knowing and living by healthy principles.
4. For enjoying my trip to Big Sur, even though "Billy" tried manipulating me and attempted to dominate our trip. I am grateful for knowing how to detach with love. On this occasion I realized "Billy" was mentally intoxicated with his self-importance.
5. I am thrilled that I am not codependent. It was "Billy's" job to deal with his disappointment, not my job to placate him. Whether he liked me or not didn't matter. My worth is not dependent on how others feel about me.
I love the freedom I have to stand by my values. This weekend. I adhered to my needs for peace of mind, harmony, tranquility and order.
How About You?
How do you handle unacceptable behavior? Are you normally passive about it?
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1 comment:
Dear Innkeeper,
Tonight I am grateful for...
1. A kind and generous favor from a colleague at work that saved me undue stress, helped me greatly simplify my workday, and allowed me to stop, think, exhale, and distill immediate responsibilities to the essential. What a relief!
2. The inspiration to give a total stranger; a weary on-the-road, travelling vagabond, a tired man out of home and hope, a cold drink and a bit of cash, to lift his spirits and help him believe once again in the basic goodness of humanity. Come to think of it...perhaps, the earlier kindness extended to me at work came due to be "paid forward."
3. A generous dose of napping after a long days journey into the baking heat of the Napa Valley wine country.
4. Waking to a lovey PBS documentary on the history of England's medieval town of Kibworth...
5. Taking this moment to reflect on all I have to be grateful for, as this mini-heat wave wanes into night, and the promise of cooler weather to come.
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