Great Fun: Nurturing the Child Within 8/30/13

The game of Pit.  This calm hand is for illustra-
tive purposes only.  It belies the intensity and 
craziness of this game. 

     Good evening.

Did you have a good day?  Mine nurtured and stretched me; the night provided entertainment, laughter, and plenty of fun.  Recalling tonight's time in Alameda

The Miracle-Gro Quality Boundaries Have On Our Character ........... 8/29/13

Boundaries: A Source for Sanity

         Times can weigh on our emotions when relating to a controlling person.

           Such an individual presents a problem.  They do not respect our need for autonomy.  Difficult relation-ships like these provide opportun-ities to adhere to our principles.

         Time spent with those who cramp our style allows us to speak our truth.  Like practicing a tennis stroke by hitting a ball against a wall, we can practice asserting our boundaries when with a controlling person.  Staying true to our standards helps us maintain serenity, sani-ty, and dignity----just barely.
   

        If not careful, our equilibrium can be thrown off when we are with pushy people.  Creat-ing distance with an unsafe person estab-lishes balance.

          Bound-aries do not exist for oth-ers to adhere to.  For our personal growth, they exist. We must adhere to them.  They produce the sanity and the dignity we need.

         Most people lack boundaries.  They know nothing about them. 

        Chaos marks their lives.  Their lack of preparation does not make their crises our emergencies.   (See here, too.)  Even when they desper-ately want us to rescue them.  Exercising boundaries with those who lack them gives us the sanity needed for peace of mind. 

       Relating with boundaryless people pours Miracle-Gro on our recovery---forcing us to tightly adhere to boundaries.  We dem-onstrate love when we do not rescue others from the natural con-sequences of their behavior or lack of initiative.

         Does someone or a situation tee-ter your totter?  Does a particular individual dump you into the morass of frustration?  How do you handle tough times?

          We want to be mindful of a quote posted months ago.  You can read this post here.  This article encourages us when we difficult find ourselves in difficult circumstances.  The following inspires me when confronting challenges:

We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed.  For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement.

When we are no longer able to change a situation---just think of an incurable dis-ease such as inoperable cancer---we are challenged to change ourselves.                                       Viktor Frankl

***

         Many good things happened this week. Even though it has been a time rife with tension and also filled with deep, negative emotions.  Within the past seven days, the following gratitudes emerged.

Gratitudes:
1. Receiving practical support this week.

     Beyond my wildest dreams. Those in my supportive network emboldened me with their encouragement and wisdom.
2. Love from others gives us a strength we won't have when we go it alone.

      The compassion, empathy, fellowship, and sensitivity I've experienced gave me hope during a difficult season.  It has been among the most challenging times in my life.

       The outpouring of affection I received stunned me; it gave a bounce to my step that did not exist earlier this month.

     Loved ones and friends visited.   Phone calls and acts of loving service ministered to my well-being in ways beyond imagining.  Their loving concern lifted my spirit.
3. I'm adding new dimensions to the work I do.  I am participating in my growth.  Good for me!  I'm thankful for opportunities that expand my creativity and resourcefulness.
4.  I have a business mentor, and his help has been like a steady lighthouse amid a storm.

Much to Rejoice About .......... .8/28/13

Time before an expanse of water was had today. Am I lucky. How could I not be grateful? 

      Good evening everyone,

How was your day?  Mine was an oasis, refreshing me in the midst of a demanding week. This inn was busy today, hitting a high water mark.  Over

Expressing Our Voice, Not Allowing Others to Determine Our Moods or Values ....................8/27/13

Good late evening, everyone.

Today nurtured my soul; I had hours alone, studying and writing.  Aah!  Solitude helps me get my bearings.  I've been alone but never lonely, not since I was fourteen.

        We feel the pangs of loneliness when we are not at peace with ourselves and when we are not experiencing community, that is, connecting on an emotional level, with another.  Sharing our deepest thoughts, dreams and feelings with another, with no fear of rejection provides us the emotional constancy--the security--we need.

       I'm improving in my dealings with

The Power of Priorities.... ...8/26/13

 
  Good morning,

How are you?  I've been away for several days, which is unusual. Wouldn't you like to know where I've been?

     As most of you know, I like to ask for your

The Support of Balcony People, When In Crisis ..

Two are better than one, for they have a rich reward
for their labor.  If one falls, he has another to lift him
up.  bout woe to him that is alone when he falls, for
he has not another to lift him up.  

       Receiving amazing---beyond belief---support infuses energy into our weary souls as we recover from the demands of urban life. 

        Exercising discipline---placing principles above our personality---the little foxes disturbing the vineyard of our lives are captured.  They are returned to their natural habitat---far from us.  We enjoy greater sanity. 

        No longer are we disturbed by vulpine terror.

The Antidote for Despair

      What has been the antidote, you ask?  Why, it's been loving letters from friends, receiving encouraging phone calls, getting empathy, not judgment from my supportive network.   I feel better, not worse, after spending time with dear ones.  When needed, they drop everything to be with me.  Those in the circle of my life create a bridge of hope, allowing me to cross a chasm of despair.

       Not operating alone is moving me forward.  Confronting the day's drama, one day at time (sometimes fifteen minutes at a time) has been my lot, the past two weeks.  My Balcony People are sticking with me.  Am I grateful.  They lift me up from the floor, after being sucker punched by the vicissitudes of life.  This wouldn't be the case if I lived in isolation.

       Learning from their experience, strength and hope, prodded by their smiles, wisdom and compassion provides the community required for any semblance of serenity.  They, my Balcony People, right now, are carrying me.  With the arms of their support holding me upright, I'm placing one stumbling foot in front of the other.  Sharing their experience, strength and hope has been a dawn star, guiding me through this dark night of my soul.  You can read here, for more information about this source of support.

My Gratitudes: 
1. I am fortunate to have Balcony People.
2. I'll meet with two consultants Saturday, part of my business team.  Our session will challenge me, increasing my competence.
3. I had a wonderful conversation with my youngest son.  Connecting with others who love me is an ointment that heals the emotional bruises I've accumulated the past few weeks.
Baby Steps
4. This week, I faced an unpleasant task I've been avoiding.

      That is a baby step.  Who am I kidding?  That was a gigantic step. I've learned I need to give myself proper credit when tackling a difficult task.

       While addressing daunting issues, I've taken care one of the most important persons in my life---me.  During this emotionally perilous time I took necessary steps to treat myself with compassion.

        This meant having my Quiet Time, eating healthy meals, exercising, and sleeping well.  Listening to favorite music, being with friends and making time for fun (even if I don't feel like it) were the order of the day.  Such action is vital, when facing distasteful circumstances.
5.  I visited with a friend.  He's directing work my way.  That is always a good thing.  Ya ay!

Preventing Disappointment: 
Using Character Discernment

     I recently got clarity regarding someone I thought was a friend.  I was wrong.  I'm thankful that my character discernment remains healthy.  My Pablo piper people picker is not broken.  Am I glad.

     I'm not interested in defensive hope.  It wastes time, creates misery and frustration, in relationships.  What I learned about this almost friend helps me make better use of time.  Reciprocity is one thing I look for in and count on in my relationships.  It wasn't there, with him.

      I've stated this before, one sign of an abusive relationship is a lack of mutuality, equality and reciprocity.  If a relationship does not have these qualities, we are being used, folks.

6.  I'm thankful for healthy relationships, the result of placing principles before my attachment with anyone.

Making Amends

      Today, I acknowledged areas where I offended someone.  The harm I caused wasn't deliberate, I was misunderstood.  Nonetheless, making amends is a practical way to restore a damaged relationship.  I want to be sensitive to his perception of reality.  Empathy does not mean agreement.

       How the offended person responds to my amends is not the issue.  I make them not for his sake, but mine.  They prevent the relationship from being weighed down by tension and hurt feelings.

       I learned plenty about unpleasantness, growing up.  I don't care to experience more of it in this relationship. I especially want to keep my life as emotionally clean as possible, while going through stress.
How About You? 
1. How have you received support this week?
2. Has there been an area in your life where you are experiencing more clarity?
3. Are there any amends you need to make? 

Out of the Hamster Wheel, Into God's Hands 8/19/13 (449)

       Good evening everyone,

My Gratitudes: 

1. This evening, I slowed down.  Nurturing ourselves, is critical.  Doing nothing is a virtue, not a fault.  If not careful, redlining our lives destroys our serenity; living in a hamster wheel gets us nowhere but out of touch with ourselves.  When assaulted by a multitude of distractions, demanding our attention, our feelings lose out.

Checking In, Highs & Lows for the Past Seven Days. 8/18/13

Image: "Scotland: Loch Linhe and Loch Eil from
 Ben Nevis" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. 

   Good evening,

Did you have a good day? As most of you know, on weekends, I ask if you could share a recap of the previous week, your high and low points for the past seven days.   Here are mine:

Freedom From Codependency: No Longer Naive; Not Pleasing Unpleasant People .................. 8/17/13

     I am thankful for peace of mind. It is the result of relating with healthy people.  Calmness takes place when avoiding those who are not.

     I was reminded of this second point recently, at a restaurant. I witnessed a toxic parent in his thirties. He raised the hackles on the back of my neck.  And made my heart pound, like it hasn't, in years.

     Dark emotions from long ago revisited me.  Rage, shame, embarrassment and fear, melded within.  I was transported to the scariest depths of my youth.

     He blasted his second daughter, saying, "You stupid fool!"  His glares and ridicule not only demeaned her but also slugged my emo-tional belly.  I put my food down, looking for the restroom.  I was getting sick.

     Unwanted bookmarked portions of childhood memories flipped open.

     My heart sank.  His three young daughters squirmed at the table, their si-lence thick with fear.  This par-ent didn't know grace.  He did not express kindness when correcting his middle child.He did not know how to say his no as gently as his yes.

     How we do something is as important as any task we do. Often, it is more impor-tant.

    The little girls needed nurturing.  Support and encouragement from their daddy would strengthen their self-esteem.  This would be helpful during their awkward adolescent years.

      He yelled at her, "You clumsy fool."  She had spilled her soda.  The shame applied towards this middle daughter had me in a cold sweat. The scenario transported me to the angst of my youth.

      As I witnessed what unfolded before me I bonded with this blond-haired girl.

      From my table, her seven-year-old face was in full view.  Her defiant, sullen expres-sions reflected the attitude I had as a kid.  Her stubborn-ness mirrored my resistance as a boy while living in a per-formance oriented, black and white thinking home, in a no-mercy-given household.

       My emotions while wit-nessing the parenting in that restaurant had me reverting to my pre-recovery default mode.  I was sad.  Fear filled my body.  I had the dreaded feeling that I was about to be  hit, an emotion I often experienced as a kid.  And I was hit that night in the restaurant. I was struck by unpleasant memories from my past.  That's just as bad as being physically belted.

       I was filled with rage and anxiety at the same time.  I was mindful of the following quote:

“Worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy.” ― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

                  And,

“Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.”         

― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More

     The codependency of the wife and little ones was clear. They jump-ed at pleasing this anger-infested father.  They feared his knitted brow, his glares and impatience.

      I was edgy as he berated his middle daughter.  If he continues treating his strong-willed middle daughter, this way, depression will be her companion through childhood, adolescence and when she's an adult.

      I was thankful for freedom from codependency. I am thankful for the strength we gain when we are internally referented:

“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”     

― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

       Dormant negative childhood feelings can be overcome.  Emotional maturity is possible when we are present.  When we apply recovery. With it, I no longer tolerate mistreatment or accept unacceptable be-havior.  I am freed from the disease of codependency. 

        I am grateful for boundaries.  They protect me.  They prompted me to pour my milkshake on the guy's head when I walked out of the restaurant.  I'm just kidding.  But I did feel like giving that guy a piece of my mind.

        My personal growth allowed me to leave that restaurant emo-tionally intact.  Slipping into my car, I was no longer triggered. Past memories were seen for what they are: memories.  They are not de-mons that still haunt me.  With recovery, I leave unpleasant memories where they belong: in the past.  

        This way I move forward unencumbered by the weight of ancient emotions.

        I appreciate boundaries let me know who is safe and who isn't.   With them, naivete is replaced with common sense.  Manipulators are not given reign because I am being "nice."  Now, I say no, when I am un-comfortable in a conversation.  I say what disturbs me.

        Recovery teaches me that I am not "causing problems" when adhering to my values.  Now, I know I'm being "nice" when I stand for my boundaries.

        It lets others know who I truly am.  I am no longer Mr. Nicey.  When I was him, I always was kind.  I wanted to please everyone.  There was a problem.  Operating this way, I lack sincerity.  I didn't let people know how I truly felt because I was a coward.  I feared the disapproval or anger of others if I disagreed with them or saw things differently.

        Now I'm authentic.  I am true to my values.  I have my voice. I own something else, too.  I have self-respect and the peace of mind that goes along with it.

Related Post:
 A Detailed Overview of Codependency
Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety (Second half of this Link)

Handling Stress 8/16/13

       How are you?

Life has its drama.   One source, unexpected unpleasant information, was brought my way, today, during a phone call.   It's an opportunity for practicing patience and grace towards

The Innkeeper Is Grateful Again ...8/14/13

   Good evening,

Gratitudes for Wednesday: 
1.  I slept in this morning.  Then again, I didn't go to bed until

The Film: Fruitvale Station: What Would I Have Done, If I Was There The Night Oscar Was Killed? 8/13/13

Oscar Grant

           It's been a long time since I attended a film that moved the audience to tears.  That happened Sunday.  Hearing people sob, from different parts of the room, towards the end of the movie, in the Alameda Theater, was different, but good: it was encouraging hearing the

Relating With a Curmudgeon and Highs and Lows Time 8/11/13

    Hello everyone,

Greetings.  I had a busy morning, Saturday. The after-noon, however, nurtured the innkeeper.  The crisp weather, 20+ mile visibility (that included the San Francisco Peninsula, across the bay, from the south shore) and the brilliantly teal waves surrounding the island city of Alameda was a tonic for the innkeeper.  The smell of surf and foam---along with a leisurely seven mile ride, even though I carried thirty pounds of books in my pannier, I had been with someone I mentored---was coffee that revived this bone-weary soul.

     I retired early in the evening and here I am, fresh, this pristine

Best Features of Work 8/8/13

Image: "Cumbria: Dalt Wood" by Tim Blessed.
Copyrighted photo. Used by permission.

     Hello everyone,

How did your day go?  I'm tired, so straight to my gratitudes I go:

Calming a Tense Moment
1. Someone this afternoon was severely disturbed, upsetting the Alamedan community.  I worked with the police and a local agency, helping this person.  The occasion was similar to work I once did in a psychiatric hospital.

Joy of Work
2.  I enjoy the flexibility my work provides;  I call my own hours, which is nice.  Those I work with, I pick.  Contributing towards the well-being of others makes

A Record Day ......8/8/13

      What a day for the inn.  Counting the gratitudes I categorized in my previous post---five, and the five in this one, plus those from guests who dropped by and shared their joys in the post before this, there were

A Rich Day ......8/6/13

Treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to
 them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with
no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again. (Og Mandino)
Image: "Cumbria: Rainy Day, Dream Away" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo, used by his kind permission.

    How are you?

My day was wonderful, positive, encouraging, nurturing and honest. This morning I met with someone at my favorite breakfast place.  I got to know him like

God Is Not My Spiritual Bell Boy, Revisited 8/5/13

This is not God. I'm
sorry if you were
 mistaken.

     Good early Monday morning,

Sunday, after seeing clients in the afternoon, I went to a secret place, studying for four hours, nurturing me.  Did it feel good, but I got home late.

    In the sidebar to your right, the following post has spiked up the list of popular ones for this week.  I'm posting it for those who haven't read it.  Here it is:

************************

        Recently, I was schooled in a lesson while laboring on a

Emotional and Verbal Aikido 8/3/13

       How is everyone?  I'm happy you dropped by.  I wrote what follows April 27th, 2011.  I'm sharing it with those who not have dug around in the dusty boxes-----the archives of this inn.

      I've had a fantastic day, so far.  I delight in writing.  It's a big difference from what I do professionally: listening