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| Image: "Field and Country: New Wheat" by Tim Blessed. All rights reserved. Copyrighted material. |
This is an unusual time for me to post. A moment is available and I want to check in. The body is feeling a bit better. For those who don't know, my back has been in constant pain for several days.
An interaction I had with someone recently left me not happy. Needs for courtesy, respect, safety and celebration weren't met. As I frequently point out in this inn, I prefer responding, rather than reacting to life. Reacting allows the jackal within me to have its day. Never a good idea.
I have zero interest in
being rapacious, vicious or angry. None of those negative qualities meet my need for equanimity, tranquility, ease or emotional safety.
I've worked through my feelings and thoughts about the event that troubled me in the way that works for me. I wrote an outline. It is four typed pages, single-spaced. It sorted out my reaction. What I like about conflict is that it is an opportunity for ongoing emotional maturity. Learning how to connect with another, even when my needs aren't met is a wonderful experience.
Really
I enjoy feeling more confident in expressing all of myself, especially the parts that could easily be hidden, when experiencing conflict. I desire genuine conversation and connection, and I have them with my dear ones. Expanding beyond that realm is the challenge. To find this sort of unity even with an foe is an ideal I don't want to overlook. It is possible
Really.
I've seen it. It's rare, but when it happens, it's a unforgettable and emotionally empowering bloom that makes the effort more than worth it.
Intimacy is the essence of friendship and love. It requires courage, vulnerability and honesty. I'm thankful I've examined beliefs and behaviors that once limited me. I'm deeply grateful for developing, over the years, the ability to self-express. It wasn't easy or accomplished over-night. Nope, no way.
And, amazingly we can have it with strangers. Discretion and excellent maintaining of clear boundaries are required, however. Best yet, such intimacy is an antidote for depression, resentment, anxiety and anger. (Although it ruined a relationship with a narcissistic beautiful woman or two---not much of a loss). I know this for a fact, I have enjoyed its healing powers.
Confidence in expressing ourselves and making a clear request to deepen connection with others is gained through self awareness and consistent practice. It's a relational muscle that requires ongoing exercising. But, is it worth it! I'm happier, I enjoy my personal power and people know who I truly am.
I no longer lie. I used to. I'd lie when I'd say yes to a project I really didn't want to do. I no longer do that. Now, I'll negotiate, so that the other person's needs and mine can both be met. Oh, and I do that compassionately. I've learned how. If you check out my posts on expressing feelings you'll get an idea.
I celebrate tools and exercises that develop my capacity for compassion, even with those who greatly (not as in good) irritate me. I'm thankful for looking beyond judgment.
How About You?
1. How well are you at expressing your needs and feelings? Isn't that a scary word, feelings? Often we ignore them.
2. Let me know any questions you may have about this subject. I take requests. :)
Here's to wishing you a great and grateful day!!
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10 comments:
I am not very good at this. For instance, I find it hard to say no and to ask for money (for commissions, which frequently are unpaid, people asking me to do something as a favour, etc.), and then I end up feeling resentful and like a victim and might voice all the things I feel to everybody except the person concerned. I am not proud of this. I also very often cannot say what I want to say in a situation, and then it is too late and/or awkward. One thing I have learnt, though, is to think at least for a second before I speak and to use the phrase "Can I get back to you about that?".
You seem to have the tools for dealing with difficult and uncomfortable situations. Thanks for sharing.
P.S.: I hope your back gets better!
Learning how to stay in the fire is truly a tough assignment with enormous rewards for those who can, like you, Pablo. Marina, I soooo relate to your post and am beginning baby steps toward moving into this fire feeding growth. I learned from my now deceased soulmate the writing technique, tho I've not used it in quite a while, choosing to stay in my head (a not so great neighborhood when I'm upset) which is really not good as this limited processing leaves me in the same spot feeling resentful, depressed and even worse, I am realizing, being angry at myself for lacking the skills/techniques/courage/whatever to show up for the situation, stand in and be tempered by the fire. I have made progress enough now not to completely loose it - proved by 2 incidents of today and yesterday that would have sent me out of my mnd and into rage and ill manners several months ago. It is a process...and I am deeply thannkful for the progress I've made thus far - the quality of my life has greatly improved over the last 2 years.
My 3 gratitudes for today:
1. still digesting the program I saw on KQED last night, The Quantum Activist - and will watch again tonight,toward a deeper study of the body mind experience in the context of quantum physics. Some really deep and profound stuff!
2. The delight of seeing the shadow of a butterfly fluttering along on the sidewalk while I was looking down, and then the reward afer lifting my head to catch the amazing beauty of a yellow and black butterfly zigzag thru the clear and sunfilled air vanishing into the trees. That was so delicious visually and moved me to a place of being fully in that moment drinking in this particular expression of the Unseeen provoking itself into matter. Did you know these delicate beauties live about 2 weeks - talk about a short lifespan. So glad I got to enjoy that moment in my workday.
3. Being asked to work all of next week at the firm I often temp for on usually very short notice performing admin relief for a day or two. While the ergonomics are not in the best interest of my body, I need the money to get a costly car repair done to prevent engine damage (thus, killing the car for all practical purposes) and to get some new glasses as I'm overdue for an updated prescription and things are getting soft around the edges with both the bifocals and the single vision for computer work. Hoping to get a single pair to cover all of this because it is such a drag to keep switching glasses at work when working with small print documents to extrapolate info to input in the computer. A mental picture just sprang up in my mind of me "weight lifting" the two pair at the workstation to get the task done. There has got to be a better way!! I am grateful I will have resource to take advantage of that better way!
Glad that your back is a bit better. Hope you found our suggestions helpful.
Well, time to get on to the next task before bedtime.
Happy Friday to all on this Thursday evening.
Thanks for sharing Pablo. I really hope your back feels better soon. Glad your hands are feeling healthy enough to write such thoughtful ideas.
Hello Pablo, I feel like a seedling among old-growth redwoods, but thriving there nonetheless. My recent growth is born of marriage and parenting challenges; all good and needed,however. Been feeling hope in the new-found ability to forgive with loving detachment; responsibly. I'm seeing how counter-intuitive thoughtful forgiveness can be; how effectively it can naturally and unexpectedly deflate the agenda of petulance and manipulation...a beautiful thing to behold.
Today, I'm grateful for...
1. The sage counsel and generous wisdom of my Spanish Gypsy Mentor, Word-smith and Fellow-traveler. His coaching prior to facilitating a group meeting this evening was most helpful, as all seemed to benefit from the collective sharing.
2. Grateful a long and grinding weeks schedule has drawn to a serene close.
3. Grateful I can sleep in tomorrow, catch up on some neglected chores, help serve lunch to my 89 year old Mom, and continue my recovery.
Thank you Innkeeper!
This post is so thoughtful and thought-provoking. Your posts do that. I find that I must process them first before commenting. I want my comments to reflect the same thoughtfulness. To clarify my thoughts via comments - that's my goal first, then in a timely fashion so I meet my commitment to express/comment on gratitude. However, as I write this, I realize that this approach puts personality over principal...so my first gratitude is for:
awareness - to recognize one of my patterns that delays action - once aware, I can correct it and become a better functioning human being.
I am grateful for you, Innkeeper, for providing this opportunity, every day, to recognize and comment on my limiting patterns & behaviors that minimize my capacity to be fully functional. I can choose to act - ex. post comments in the gratitude Inn - and deliberately work to change my habits. That is something to be excited about.
Another gratitude for today - the sunny surroundings here in the Bay Area that lightens my spirit and enriches my efforts of thankfulness. Nature is the canvas that frames life - vivacious or otherwise. I am thankful that I can choose. Today, and every day, my choice is Vivaciousness!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concepts! Lowry
Marina,
Great to see you! Thanks for sharing what goes on with you.
Yep, you're right. It's tough saying what we need, and communicating our feelings tactfully, with a minimum of drama.
I've written several posts in the inn about this subject. At the bottom of this blog there's a topic index. You might want to check out the ones about expressing our voice.
This link will take you to that list:
http://theattitudeofgratitudeinn.blogspot.com/search/label/expressing%20ourselves%20with%20tactfulness
Hope to see you again. Thanks, also for your concerns about my back!
Aileen,
Thanks for your encouragement.
I'm glad to hear your life is getting better, with each week. How does it feel, learning skills that are allowing you to cope?
What you share about the butterfly is a spiritual awakening. We are able to appreciate life and nature more fully because we are not allowing ourselves to be gripped with as much fear and anxiety.
I'm happy hearing the good news that you are working more. Hurray, I know that meets many needs of yours!
Vanessa,
I appreciate your encouragement. Writing sometimes has me in its grip---I can do no other.
There's a sense of release when I write. Often, it's one way of taking care of myself.
I'm wishing you a great weekend as I write this a week late.
Carl,
Thank you for your positivity. I love the way you put things:"forgiveness...can deflate the agenda of petulance and manipulation."
Wow. That is so true.
I've been called many things, but not a Spanish Gypsy. It's terrific hearing your gratitudes. How has posting your gratitudes affected your outlook? I'm curious.
Thank you for dropping by!
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