analytical ---not supposed to be this
My training in nonviolent
Everyone reacted to everyone else. No subject was needed. A person only needed to make a comment. Away the discussion went, each reacting, feeling, projecting and judging. At times this evening felt as emotionally safe as holding a lighted match in a dynamite factory. I mentioned my discomfort to the group.
Others agreed. Then, I was accused of being indirect. Yet the guy accusing me could not be concrete about his "feeling" about me, which wasn't a feeling, but a judgment. Others did not grasp his complaint, either. It was wonderful being the center of attention---not.
The same fellow goaded another man. "I am going to test you to the limits of your emotions," he said. It was fascinating, feeling my heart pounding fast and loud, as I sat there, appearing calm. The disconnect between my mind and my body startled me. I pretended to hear what was being said, but the constant drumbeat within made that impossible for fifteen minutes.
Later, I stood up for woman who was minimized. I was crit-icized for that. Regardless of their standards, I was glad I did. I am not externally referented or codependent.I am always ready to learn. But still. Tonight, my feelings went for a roller coaster ride. Like cars on a speedway, like a cyclist coasting down a moun-tainous road, the dissension, judgment and negativity would not stop.
My Gratitudes for Tonight:
1. I arrived home safely, after a long trip.
2. I stood my ground several times tonight. I am the new kid on the block. Most of these people have attended these workshops for years. This was my second time. They speak in a lingo I am not familiar with. I am not sure I agree with the view they have.
3. Received my third new book in three days. That's heaven. This recent book is about being authentic.I am tired, spent, after travelling and participating in tonight's workshop. I am taking care of myself, going to bed.
How About You?
What is a recent uncomfortable circumstance you have found yourself in?
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2 comments:
Pablo,
It is disheartening to hear that your workshop is not a very safe environment! On the other hand it is uplifting to hear how you are handling the situation! It must be difficult to not react around such individuals. I appreciate your honesty when you stated how you were feeling inside when the one man was goading the other. I have felt the exact same way inside during similar situations. It is comforting to hear that I am alone. I am unfortunately subject to a toxic environment daily. I am finally looking at what the actual benefits are, such as teaching me to have a voice and confirming what I do and don't want in my life. I am learning valuable lessons that will in the end make me stronger.
Dear Thumper,
It's always good when you drop by. I like your transparency, presence and authenticity, and your encouragement.
What helps me have peace of mind is years of working on my personal growth, especially Al-Anon Family Groups recovery
and training in nonviolent communication, in addition to my faith.
No emotionally healthy person enjoys being with toxic people. Learning how to detach with love helps me to have thick skin and a soft heart.
I've learned to not take things personally. I also learning I do not want to have anything to do with this instructor, after finishing my course. I don't care to be in a judgmental environment.
Stick close to your supportive community. I would suggest you share your struggles with them. Don't even try figuring out the remedies. It might be that you just need to empty out.
Hopefully, with your counselor you can figure out practical action steps.
Wishing you the best,
The Innkeeper
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