Thursday, March 22

A Big Part of Being an Adult----Saying No, Gently, Without Fear .....................3/22/12

          Based on yesterday's post, "Relating With the Emotionally Fevered," (Please click here to read it.) I thought I'd bump this up, for those who might have missed what I wrote last October about this subject.  I hope it helps you to enjoy an Attitude of Gratitude.
              The Innkeeper

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”
 William Arthur Ward
Please do so today by posting a gratitude. It will do you good.  (The Innkeeper)
 A Big Part of Being an Adult
Saying No, Gently, Without Fear
        I love seeing people grow in their awareness. Today, I gave a public talk. I encouraged the listeners to consider their options when in the midst of drama. Avoiding the tendency to automatically accommodate others is important. It frees us from the snare of codependency.  Part of being an adult is
disagreeing, agreeably.

        If we fear differing with others, we'll often find ourselves in a one-down relationship. It's frustrating and dis-empowering to yield our values to others. Often we do this because we don't want to create a stink. Harming the relationship, we fear.  If someone doesn't respect our opinion, is that really much of a relationship?

       Yielding to others, to please them, is detrimental. It affects our emotions (we get angry or depressed),  our mental state (we can fall into self-loathing or negativity) and our physical well-being (think of getting hives, high blood pressure or strokes).

      Any of these negative consequences to our soul, spirit or body result from not exercising boundaries. We don't know how to say our "no" as gently as our yes. It helps remembering that "no" is a complete sentence.

     If someone gets upset because we disagree, they want us to make decisions based upon their reaction, not principles. Giving in, is placing their personality above our values. Emotional health results when we place principles first.

      Their angry response violates a basic right we have as adults: making our own choices. There's a word when someone uses anger, blame, shame, fear or guilt to motivate us: manipulation. It's emotional coercion, a form of violence.  Giving in to a bully is yielding to emotional slavery. We ransom our freedom, and who we really are, in order to keep the relationship.  Do you think that is that in our best interests?

      I didn't think so.

     An angry person controls his or her life. The bully's efforts are trying to dominate ours, too.  What type of deal is that?  Not a good deal, that's what. When this happens, we should be all the more energized regarding maintaining our stance. Their behavior informs us, at least in that moment, that they are not considering our opinions, dignity or feelings.

How About You?
1. What has been your history?  When with an emotional bully, how do you respond? 
2. What have you found to be an effective response, when you are at an impasse with someone who is emotionally charged? 
3. How do you do to maintain your serenity when confronted by others? 
I'd love hearing your answers. 
Related Posts: 


aileen said...

Thank you for this pwoerful insight and perspective. I will definitely use it to continue my progress around defusing my anger with kindness so I help myself and inform, not injure the other party.

Pablo said...


Thank you for dropping by!

Anger is a gift, not a problem. It's a warning sign, letting us know a need of ours is not being met.

The challenge is making a request to have the need fulfilled, while being considerate and kind towards the person who troubles us.

You have my support. Much success to you, as you work on becoming the person you want to be: kinder while asserting yourself.

The Innkeeper

Becky said...

I have had opportunities at work and at home where in the past I would have gotten angry and lately I have not thrown the ball back. It feels good. I stop and ask myself how important is it. Am I wanting to be right or am I wanting to be right?

Pablo said...


Good to see you, thanks for dropping by! Hey, that's terrific, you are placing principles above your personality.

How does it feel, now that you are not allowing anger to control you as much as it once did?

You might find helpful the article I wrote:
"Life is Our Spiritual Practice. Below is the link. You'll have to cut and paste the address. You can also use the link in the Alphabetical Inndex found in the tabs above.

You have my support. I'm wishing you God's strength and the peace He gives that transcends our circumstances.

The Innkeeper

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.