Getting Real, In a Gentle Way.... 12/28/18

Sometimes we yield to emotional people. We
want to have empathy, but we also want to be

     true to our values. 

        Good afternoon!
     
        It is a few minutes before seeing a client.  I wish you a terrific New Year.  It's coming soon.

        I am reflecting upon my experience this past Tuesday, Christmas Day.  I spent it with family.  I received saddening news.

       My response was heartening,  revealing

My Favorite Christmas Story 12/24/18

Taken fromThe Christ Child, Illustrated
 by Miska and Maud Petersham 

     Merry Christmas.  That each guest of this inn has a lovely day, on the twenty-fifth of this month is my wish.  I will.

     What is Christmas?  Nope, it is not about gifts.  It is about one Gift.

     This holiday is about God's incarnation.  He took on human form.  This day declares His arrival two millennia ago.

      He dwelt among us, full of grace and truth.  (John 1:14) I know for many this is an outdated concept.

      What Christmas gift can I offer?  How about

The Man and The Birds---My Second Favorite Christmas Story.................... 12/21/18

       If you missed the previous season-related tale, my third favorite, you can find it here.  
      I wrote the follow-ing in 2011.  You may not be familiar with it. 
      Wishing you a peaceful and happy Christmas,                         The Innkeeper

                         ***********************************
     Gather round the fireplace warming the inn.  We may be frazzled by the call of Madison Avenue.  QVC and the Home Shopping Network may be assaulting us with gifts options for loved ones.  Commercials from Kohl's,

My Third Favorite Christmas Story 12/19/18

WWII photo of the Ardennes Forest

       Good evening, one and all. I hope life is treating you well. For many, this is a frantic, mater-ialistic season.       
             
         Needn't be so.  In the inn, we're having a countdown for the biggest day of this month.  For

An Angelic Visit to This Inn---Prepare Yourself For Having Your Breath Robbed From You .................. 12/17/18

      I am speechless. This video brings me to tears. The singer is Lexi.  She was fifteen when she performed this.

     You might want to slow down.  Allow your soul to drink in

Welcoming This Season Into This Inn of Gratitude 12/17/18

   
      I'm welcoming this Advent season.  Thank you, for dropping by.   I'm wishing you a time of serenity as we draw near to the date celebrating God taking on human form, more than 2,000 years ago.

      I find the enclosed music video calming, soothing. The deep resonance of the cello mixing well with the

Grieving Loss, Moving On

My first new poster

   How are you?

   I am suffering loss.  My trusty lap-top of eight years died.  Thousands of documents, much of what I use with clients are gone.

   Thousands of posters, my entire library is lost.

Reflections On This Thanksgiving Day 11/22/18

        Good morn-ing everyone.  Many suffer from worry. Multitudes endure the crip-pling power  of depression.  Frus-tration, self-loathing is the plight of many.

       An Attitude of Gratitude coun-teracts these ills. Today is the cen-tral day of this inn.  May this Thanksgiving Day be your best ever.

     Cherishing loved ones, counting our blessings are

The Focus for This Day.................... 11/22/18

       Happy Thanks-giving everyone, a holiday we celebrate here in the U.S.  This day is fantastic. Its focus is the same as this inn.  Enjoying this day with fami-ly and friends appeals to our dearly held values: close-ness, community

More On Communication, the Value of Being Present ................ 11/13/18

        Communica-ting provides opportunities to be present. 

       Being present is tricky, especially when we are agitated or in an emotional slump. Expressing what we feel and want without using conclusions, judgments, assumptions, or blame reveals presence.

        Presence is pausing and being gentle towards the areas where we are stuck. It is feeling our fears and the needs beneath them. It teaches how we can be kind toward our fears or negative feelings. 

        Presence is being firmly planted emotionally. It is being centered and grounded. We truly live only when we are free from mental chat-ter. 

      The other day I was with a couple. Boy, did I learn a lot during my time with them. Some of it is not good.

        It's been a while relating with people not having recovery. I was transparent, cluing them in about an interesting and instructive episode in my life. Immediately, both attacked.

        In my social circle, I connect with those working on their personal growth. I relate with people working on getting the most out of their lives. This couple doesn't.

       "Wow, you were judging her; you were interpreting her mo-tives," they said.
 
        I hadn't and wasn't. Only the spirit of a person knows the thoughts within him or her. I did not let them define me or determine my mood, two qualities of being codependent.

        "See, I told you Pablo was this way," he said to her.

          I realized they were not people I could open up with or trust. It was unsafe being vulnerable with them; that was their loss.

        Being present, I no-ticed my response as I was attacked. It was fascina-ting.

        Initially, I was angry, disturbed, defensive, confused, and sad all at once. Holding multiple feelings demonstrates we are not totally triggered. Our perspective, our Window of Tolerance, is wide enough that we are processing what is happening to us at the moment.  

       This window allows us to have a bigger perspective, not being as reactive.   Something, however, happened right then, with that couple, that hasn't happened in 30 years.

        I felt my anger, not only in my mind but in my cheeks, as this couple judged me. My emotions raged. This physical and emotional radar showed me how intensely I reacted to their negativity and put-downs.

       When agitated, we are not present. Old scars are trigger-ing us. We become hyper-aroused when we become agitated or hypoaroused, we become still, unable to fight back.

        Or both, we are angry but unable to express ourselves because of fear of conflict. In either case, we are not in touch with what is happening. Noticing our needs and our feelings at that moment is not taking place.

        At this Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant, I was present.

        After processing what transpired within me, I was aware of my reactions. I noticed my feelings and observed them. Research shows that by naming our feelings, there is a shift in our limbic system. We become calmer. 

When we are aware of what is happening in the moment we are no longer lost in it.

                                                      Tara Brach 

          At the same time there takes place action in our prefron-tal cortex that actually relaxes the brain. This is vertical integration.

         By being present with myself, and being mindful, I saw the needs beneath my feelings. I wanted three things. Firstly, fairness.

        As I was respectful towards them, I expected the same courtesy. This meant not being judged. When others judge, they are taking a one-up position. There is one problem with doing that. We are all equals.

       There's no need to position ourselves as superior. We are all equals once we turn eighteen, whether others realize that or not.

        Secondly, to thrive in relationships we need emotional safety.   There needs to be the absence of judgment, no interpretations, and no jumping to conclusions. In a word, grace in a relationship is indispensable for it to be healthy and dynamic.

       Lastly, everyone deserves respect. This is a basic human right. Every human being deserves dignity and respect. It is not earned, only trust is earned.

       Back to the scenario at the restaurant, crowded with Warrior fans. What seemed like four minutes took place within one-and-a-half seconds---not a day later, not a week later, not thirty days later, or never.

      I responded. "During our time today,"  I said, with a gentle smile---also known as love apples, "I have not judged either of you."   I continued, "I never gave you permission to judge me and I want you to stop."

      How many people say that? Here we were, at a Buffalo Wild Wings res-taurant, taking in a Warriors basketball game. You know the answer.

       Few speak their truth, what they feel and want. Because ninety-six percent of the world is reactive and co-dependent.

      Their picking at me stopped, immediately. If we express what bothers us, there is a chance circumstances can improve. If we say nothing, there is ZERO chance of that happening. 

      I responded to the negative moment by using presence. My window of toleration is big. The behavior of these two only affected me for 1.5 seconds.

      I was in touch with what roiled within me. I expressed what troubled me calmly, with a gentle smile.

      An hour and a half later, the Warriors game ended. I looked at the couple. "Boy, did our team engage their opponent," I said. They nodded in agreement.

      "And so did we," I continued, looking at them with a quiet, calm gaze. A surprised look flashed upon their faces. I hugged them and they quietly---and I imagine reflectively---headed for their car.

     I stood in my power. I was true to my values. I did not accept unacceptable behavior or com-ments.

     Did it feel good, to honor my dignity. I did so by expressing my needs, calmly, and respectfully, without fear.

     Wishing you many moments of being present, enjoying your life fully, not letting life meekly pass you by,
             

Common Sense, Communication 11/8/18

      This is the seventeenth in a series featuring posters used here previously.

       Having a format makes it easier submitting something here.  Work consumes my time, not allowing me to tend to my duties here as much as I want. Today's subjects are common sense and communication.

       We are not given information to increase our understanding. Know-ledge is to be used to improve

Codependency 11/2/18

      Codependency.

      Startling is the fact that 96% of the world is infected with this disease which can become fatal.

     Codependency is marked by four characteristics:
1.  We allow others to define us.
2.  We allow others to determine our moods.
3.  We have lost our

Character: The Indispensable Trait For Living Well 10/19/18

     This is the 15th in a continuing series of presenting posters previously used here.

      I am staying in touch this way, while swamped with work. Today's gallery is about character.

      Character, like attitude and gratitude, is the end

Celebrating Life 10/3/18

      This is the 14th in a series of presenting posters previ-ously used here.

      I am staying in touch this way, while swamped with work. Today's gallery is about celebrating life.     

       "What man should fear is not death," said the Roman emperor Marcus

What's Needed for Calmness 9/24/18

  How are you?

   Here I am, again.  I'm leaving the next set of posters. It is the 13th in a series of those pre-viously presented in this inn. I'm showing them in alpha-betical order.

    I was absent for quite a while earlier this year.  This is one way of staying in touch with you, visitors of this inn of gratitude.

   Today's subject is calmness.

A Look At Bullies 9/15/18

     Good afternoon.

     I'm leaving the next set in our series of posters. I'm pre-senting this gallery in alphabetical or-der.  I'm hoping to stay in touch with you as I submit images once used to

Being Genuine, Fearlessly---The Boundaries Gallery 8/31/18

     Today's gallery of posters is a-bout boundaries.  They help us live with sanity.  They are also neutral.

     If others are upset when applying them, it indicates they

Being Aware of Who We Are..... 8/30/18

     Being self-aware.

    Today's topic features po-sters on this subject.  The second poster raises an im-portant question: what is our reward for staying in an unac-ceptable situation?  We don't do anything unless there is a reward.

     I discover in my work that

Gallery On Abuse and Personal Notes 8/27/18

     Today's gallery of posters is on abuse. At the end of this post, I share person-al notes about what gives me deep joy.

    With recovery, we do not accept unac-ceptable behavior.  As we become more

A Look At Balanced Living.................. 8/20/18

      Once again, staying in touch with you is my goal.

      I'm doing that by submitting a collection of posters used in previous posts. Today's gallery focuses on balanced living.

      Boy, do we need it.

      Peace of mind isn't in some stranger's power to say, it's in how we seize the time given to us.

      Balanced living requires knowing and adhering to

The Gallery On Authenticity.......... 8/20/18

      Here I am, again.  Grateful to be with visitors of this inn. The following gallery is about authen-ticity, one of my favorite subjects.

      It is necessary for any relationship to enjoy depth or trust.   Do not believe what a person says.  Only trust in their behavior.  It reveals a person's

The Attitude Gallery 8/8/18

    Back again, to drop off the latest gallery for this inn of positivity.

    I created this first poster to focus on our need for attention as we enjoy life.  It is eighty percent of the solution.  Without awareness, we cannot improve any area in our life.

    We have to see it first.  

    The next five quotes reveal the role attitude plays in succeeding and being happy. 

    When we are codependent and don't live with recovery, it's easy jumping to conclusions. Doing so

Insights on Approval.................. 8/4/18

   Good afternoon.

    I could sleep all day if I wanted to. Crazily intense day, yesterday.  I am slipping this gallery in while decompres-sing from a full week of work.  Until I have significant time away from work and my

A Look At Anger... 7/31/18

      Today's gallery is centers on anger.                                                     My mini thoughts on this subject: there is nothing wrong with anger.  It is in how we express it, that is critical.  This vivid emotion is an idiot light on the dash-board of our

The Inn's Gallery About Acceptance 7/30/19

     Today's gallery is about acceptance.

   My brief thoughts about acceptance.  There are three types.  We want to use number two and three.

1.  Acceptance with resignation.   We don't want to do that.  This is passivity and the

The First Gallery of This Inn.............. 7/29/18

     My thought for today's pictures related to abuse:

     "We get what we tolerate."

     There are more than five thousand illustrated

Freedom From Mental Chatter, Being Surrounded With Love.......... 7/10/18

      Constant pers-onal growth takes us to de-lightful places beyond our im-agination. 

    Like a mosqui-to nipping at a racehorse, sometimes the only taste of success others have may be when they take a bite out of us.

      During such times, we can remain happy, liking life, knowing the excitement of continually growing.  Like a child during the first day of school, we can become just as overwhelmed by recovery.  HALTing helps, providing our minds with the space to absorb the confluence of life-enhancing ideas.

      Personal growth enhances the shape and direction of our lives. Essential for personal happiness requires applying what we learn daily.  Such practical application hum-bles and exhilarates us as we use new insights into the immediate humdrum of everyday living. 

       And our lives grow richer, more satisfying, everything fits together, for the most part.

       Recently, someone verbally and publicly attacked me.  Not for what I said, but for why she thought I said what I said.

       My, that is dan-gerous ground.  No one knows the thoughts of an-other.  This woman believed she certain-ly knew my motives, and her imagination had her certainly mistaken.

       Life gets better when we do not accept unacceptable behavior.  This is a big part of living with recovery.

       Recovery also believes others the first time they tell us who they are.  It is easy, overlooking abuse; we think the negativity we sense must be wrong.

         It isn't.  We want to be internally referented, trusting our judg-ment.

       Our intuition is a gift.  When mistreated, we genuinely sense the undesirable behavior or negative comments of others.

        It's hard grasping that others can be intention-ally unpleasant.  Welcome to the world of relating with controlling people or individ-uals reacting to the trauma, shame, or neglect they experienced as a child.  Their pain rubs off on us as verbal or emotional abuse.

       It is vital, see reality, and we all have issues.  My critic experi-enced transference.

        Being her scapegoat al-lowed her to vomit her anger. She has plenty of it towards her husband, whom she is divorcing.

       Seeing this allows me to be compassionate.  I want to intercede on her behalf, praying for her.  However, it doesn't justify her behavior, and I do not take her behavior personally.

       It is a statement about the victimizer---her, not the person receiv-ing her judgments---me.

       We do not want anyone to treat us as their whipping boy.  Impor-tant to remember we get what we tolerate.  The next time I encounter this woman who attacked me, I will express my feelings.

        All human beings, including myself, must be treated with dignity and respect. That did not happen.

      Those who witnessed her behavior were caught off guard, startled into inaction.  They were   hypoaroused. This will not happen again, they reassured me.

      Being present when we are star-tled reflects personal solid growth. We lean into princi-ples, placing them above the dormant, passive, aggressive or reactive parts of another's personality, or ours.

       Crying is good, too.  I have done this a lot recently, and therapeutic it is.

       We relieve stress and trauma when we do.  Letting joyous tears flow heals us.  When our outsides are congruent with our insides, we enjoy greater serenity.

       Having confidence when experiencing emotional turbulence is a mark of recovery.

      We are present.  We are like an ocean, waves churn within us, but they do not drive us.

      This emotional space allows us to choose our behavior wisely.  We are not stuck with maladaptive behavior that does not move us beyond our problems.

       We are happier when we are authentic. This includes speaking our perspective gently but with confidence.  Others do not need to agree with us.

       It is enough letting others know where we stand in the world, this is being true to ourselves and being    internally referented. 

       We enjoy peace of mind and equanimity when we are comfortable with ourselves, not sacrificing our values.  This is being free from artifice when relating with others.

       It is critical, husbanding our time, guarding it carefully.  The na-ture of the day is to do that which is in active opposition to that which is good.  Time, quickly and frustratingly, can be frittered.

        Many seductive pressures vie for our attention.  They seem urgent but are inconsequential: time spent on the internet, notifi-cations we get on the phone---including texting,  watching TV, binging on Netflix, you get the idea.

       It has been the husbandry of time that keeps me away.  Squirreling away, working on client's cases, writing new material to use at work, or absorbing a good book, Take Your Life Back.  It is revolutionary, clarify-ing why we defeat ourselves and what can be done to enjoy life fully.

       This post is full of gratitude, which is the purpose of this inn of thanks.  But, here's a final one, the following quote.  It intoxicates me:

“There is a relationship between the eye contacts we make and the perceptions we create in our heads, a relationship between the sound of another's voice and the emotions felt in our hearts, a relationship between our movements in space all around us and the magnetic pulls we can create between others and ourselves.

"All of these things (and more) make up the magic of every ordinary day and if we are able to live in this magic, to feel and to dwell in it, we will find our-selves living with magic every day. These are the white spaces in life, the spaces in between the writ-ten lines, the cracks in which the sunlight filters into. Some of us swim in the overflowing of the wine glass of life, we stand and blink our eyes in the sun-light reaching unseen places, we know where to find the white spaces, we live in magic.” 

     This reflects my heart's desire.

     We find our-selves in this state when we are free from mental chatter, worrying about what others think of us or how well we are performing. This blissful state occurs when we are courageous--- at ease with our-selves, free from negative self-judg-ments.   It is in these moments we are authentic, with ourselves, and in our relationships with others.

        I lied.  I said a moment ago I expressed my last gratitude.  Here's one more: being thankful, knowing we are deeply loved by many, especially by the God of our understanding.

        Experiencing this fact at the cellular level allows us to relax into the demands faced daily.  Nothing is too complicated when we are enveloped by love.

        Wishing you a terrific Tuesday; I know mine will be.  Please, I'd love to hear your gratitude.

      

Easter Revisited 4/1/17

      Good evening everyone,

 As with everything I write, please take what you like, leaving the rest.

     Easter is celebrated today.  I know the image is bunnies, pastel colors, and candy.  Originally this holiday---or holy day---is about the event that occurred after

The Source for Serenity and Joy, Even During Difficult Times.............. ...................3/15/18

    Early this morning I had a moment of recovery.  Someone criticized me.  It was a positive experi-ence.  

     I was happy with my response. I stayed with the

A Special Day ...... 03/13/18

     Well, today is the day.

      Seven years ago, the doors to this inn opened.  A lot has happened since then.  Almost all of it, 97% good.

      Please join me in celebrating the seventh anniversary of this

Why We Remain Miserable............ 2/4/18

        I am at so many crossroads.

     All of them are magnificently good.  Good afternoon, visitors to my inn. I wish you all the best.

     The best can only happen when we are present.  This is pos-sible when we are free of mind chatter and the need to please others.

The Strength and Authenticity We Have When We Move Beyond Codependency........................... 1/31/18

     I'm thankful for peace of mind.

     It happens when relating with healthy people.  Calmness and sanity is ours when avoiding those who are unsafe.

     I was reminded of this second point at a restaurant. I witnessed a toxic parent.  He was in his thir-ties.

     The emotional violence he demonstrated raised the hackles on the back of my neck.  His comments had my heart pound, like it hasn't, in years. Dark emotions from long ago revisited me, awakening the little Pablo who lives inside me.  

The Benefits of Authenticity Revisited............. 1/26/18

      A long while ago, I wrote about authenticity, versus being controlling.  I'll say more, tonight.  Control patterns arise whenever we are fearful about being:

We Get What We Tolerate, We Can Say Our No As Gently as Our Yes 1/8/18

     Hi there, everyone.

Yes, I am alive.  Life is about priorities.  For the past several months I focused on my profession.  There is much related to it.

     I'm not com-plaining.  Far from it.  Every bit of it, including filing, writing pre and post-session notes I love.