Leaning On Him, Getting Pleasant Results............... 1/29/15

       Just an innkeeper's note, the U.S. has always been the source of most of the guests to this inn, 362,686, so far. Second has been the U.K.  Until

The Benefits I Am Getting When I Visit Sebastopol.............. 1/28/15

        I didn't like my experience yesterday in Sebastopol.  Horrible.  The instructor, a psychol-ogist, corrected me for nodding my head.  That's right, for nodding.  "I imagine doing that is a

A Topsy-Turvy Night.................. 1/27/15

       I just got home from a workshop in Sebastopol.  A hundred and forty mile round trip (225.308 km).  It was fascinating watching the inter-actions of those attending.  The occasion was almost navel-gazing in nature.  Oops, I am too

Family Time........ 1/25/15

      How was your day?  The focus Sat-urday was entirely on my oldest son's birthday.  We went to Fenton's Ice Creamery for lunch and desert.  Follow-ed by bowling in Alameda.
   
      Afterwards, we rested, taking in a wild movie.  The day was completed with

Relating With a Controlling Person

       I am working on a project due tomor-row afternoon.  So, I am leaving only gra-titudes for tonight.  Please, let me hear from you.  I'd love reading what

Facing An Emotional Storm. What Allows Me Calmness When I Am In the Middle of It................ 1/21/15

      I am facing unpleasantness tomorrow.  It will be an opportunity to stand for my values, peace of mind, emotional safety, harmony and consideration.  If the person I see Thursday makes life difficult, I will no longer have this person as a client.  Placing principles above

Discipline + Compassion = A Fantastic Life..... 1/20/15

Tuesday Gratitudes:
1.  I did what I didn't want to do.  Good.  That's discipline.  It's been awhile since I've posted the related quote below:

Working diligently, in areas where I don't want to spend my time maintains ongoing growth for my character, contributing to the wholeness I enjoy pretty much on a daily basis.
2.  I saw a film: Blackhat.  Good

Knowing God, Is Better Than Knowing About Him................... 1/18/15

       Everyone encounters struggles.  If they have religious leanings---and God doesn't help---many curse His seeming lack of cooperation.  I have had disturbed clients use profanities towards God.  Not a good idea.  That's using God's name in vain, a violation of the Third Commandment:

Hope for the Past, Revisited.......... 1/15/15

Just as this vase was restored, mostly,
the same can be true wit

Being Gentle Towards Ourselves

    Have you ever felt like clobbering yourself?  Life is going poorly.  It isn't hap-pening like you thought it would.

     I know people who hit themselves.  They feel like they need to punish them-selves.  Old curses float through their head. These negative thoughts taunt them.  They shame them, making them feel worthless.

     Many of people are ashamed.  They no longer need their parents to abuse them, physically or mentally. They do it to them-selves. One client tonight showed up with bruises on his head.  The result of pounding it with his fists.

    There's good news.

    There's hope not only for the present.  And there's more than hope for future.  There's also hope for the past.  Yes, the past.  We can go back.

    We can revisit the past.  We can heal the portions that disturbed us. We can exper-ience healing from dark moments. Those occasions that still fill us with fear or shame.  There are healthy, forgiving, gentle principles that help.

    They help erase pain. As we get better, we are able to be gracious towards others, also. We can be kind even towards those who irritate the hell out of us.

      When we do, we are creating a new legacy.  We demolish leg-acies that crushed us as kids.  We replace inadequate family paradigms.  Ones that gave us distorted childhood values.  We can replace these distorted standards with supportive loving principles.

       This is self-care.  Our improved behavior allows us to be a conduits of love.  We can offer acceptance.  We can become en-couragers after we have first learned how to encourage ourselves.

      Recently I treated myself.  Life is about balance, isn't it?  Not long ago  I went to a cycle shop. I bought a non-drip water bottle.  Am I glad.  I got something I strongly wanted.

  I lost my insulated, metal water bottle a couple of weeks ago.  I left it at a public meeting.  In my rush out of the room, I left without it.  If that is my biggest concern, I'm doing pretty good.

      Now, with the new bottle, I'm set.  Good.

      It seems like this purchase was a minor matter, doesn't it?  It wasn't.  More about that in a minute.  I daily drink 64 oz. of water.  I've been doing that for more than twenty-five years.  It keeps me hydrated

and healthy.

      My life is busy.  I go from one event to another. I carry lots of things with me. There's a satchel of books. I use them for sessions.

      Or  for studying, when I have a mo-ment.  Along with books, there are bicycle-related accouterments.

      I lose things frequently.  And, that's okay.

Innkeeper Note: This was written when for 25 months I did not drive my car one mile.  It ended April 2014.

   Unfortunately, I routinely leave something behind.  These moments are opportunities to practice pa-tience.  Towards myself. 

      They help me to treat myself with the gentleness.  They are a chance to have self-compas-sion.  I am giving myself the forgive-ness I didn't know as a child.

       Loving responses were not experienced from my dad. When I erred, there was hell to pay.

       Unfortunately, then, I didn't have the wherewithal---psycholog-ically or emotionally---to realize my father suffered from the tragic  disease of perfectionism.  I didn't see his demanding nature for the sickness it was.

Hope For the Past
   

"One life showing the way is better than ten tongues trying to explain it." 

       Let it begin with me.

      We can, as Gandhi said, be the change we want to see in the world.

       Loving behavior towards our-selves and others reflects more than change to observers.  It speaks of triumph.  It reveals restored whole-ness.  The pieces of the shattered vase of my life are being put back together.

        Being gentle towards myself says that recovery over devasta-tion is possible.  Past harmful legacies that never served any helpful purpose can be removed.  We can do this one act of gentleness towards our-selves at a time.

        I replace the rubber hammer of self condemnation.  I no longer need to beat it against my head.  I fill my heart with self-compassion instead.

How About You? 
      What is a restored legacy you'd like to see come about in your life?  I always enjoy hearing from you and the community we share in this inn when you leave a comment.

Learning a New Language..... 1/13/15

    I trekked to the bucolic town Sebastopol this evening, along with the towns of Occi-dental, Forestville and Petaluma.  Two hundred miles round trip. Cannelloni made with crab and a phenomenal salad,

Gratitudes: Catching the Sunshine of Life 1/12/15

       It is interesting typing with two, not ten fingers.  They are too fat for the smartphone keyboard. At least I'm attending to my innkeeper duties.  Fun.

       My adopted cat, Precious, sometimes adds perspective to a therapy session.  We hear her snorting and slurping.  In cat lingo it is distressed breathing.  Needless to say, she makes her

Taking It Slowly 1/11/15

   How are you?

I'm not going to have my computer for a while. I'm writing this with my smartphone. I don't have a loaner this time.

     This weekend I was to teach, in San Francisco. Didn't happen.  I became

Character Discernment, Revisited ................ 1/10/15

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

I'm bumping up this post.  It has been the third most popular, all time.  It is the best I can do, as my computer is in the shop for repair. I'm borrowing one right now to get this in. 

Here it is: 

     In another post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportunities which allow us to do spiritual weight lifting. We exercise the inner strength we have that is the result of applying

Grateful, Even When I Killed Something...... 1/08/15

       I am dead in the water. Again.  I killed my computer, dropping it last night. Today, after work, I took it to Angelo who is my angel when it comes to repairing it. So, I'm dictating tonight, using my smartphone.

Gratitudes:
1.  For disagreeing tonight with a client. Part of being an adult is that we can disagree. it is terrific having my voice, being heard. It wasn't that way

The Most Important Anniversary ............ 1/6/15

      Today, more than twenty years ago, was a life-changing day.  I encountered God.  Really.  He's been with me since.

      Fourteen I was.  The occasion was the

Five Things to Do For Emotional Healing........... 1/4/15

       What can we do, when our emotions are roiling?  When our mind is reeling from loss?  The following steps help us overcome emotional shell-shock, after experiencing a devastating time.

1. Feel our emotions, completely.

    We don't want to hide them by bury-ing ourselves with busyness.
2. We need to grieve our losses.
     a. A stiff upper lip is not the answer.  Feeling the enormity of our feelings is critical
     b.  Keeping good company pays off during moments when we are going through the dark night of the soul.  We want to talk it out. Asking those dear to us to empathize with, not advise us.

     We don't need that, at least initially.
3. Let go of our pain.  Hanging on to it or stuffing it is denial. An acronym for denial is:

    Don't
    Even
    Notice
    I
    Am
    Lying.

     Instead, we want to come to terms with reality.  There are many things we can do:
  a.  Exercise---get the emotions out somatically, out of our body. Cycle, jump rope, hike, go to the beach, row, get in your car,  roll up your windows and scream are some ways of letting it out.
 b.  Do a rock funeral.
       Go to a body of water and throw rock into it, while yelling out what disturbs or angers us.  Examples would be, "I hate how you (whoever is the offender is) treated me!" Another might be, "I cannot stand your judgments!" You get the idea.
c. Listen to soothing music.
4. See what steps we can take next, to remedy our situation.
    a.  It may be asking someone to move out, or we move out.
    b.  We may need to journal out our pain.
       Most emotionally resilient people write. It produces clarity and it helps us to empty out disturbing emotions that percolate within.
    c.  We may use nonviolent communication, letting the other person know what we want, and feel.

5. Be gentle towards ourself.  As the quote to the left mentions, kicking ourselves does not help.

*****

       Recently, over a period of months, I was misled.  This was painfully clear this weekend.  I was reminded of the steps above as I process having the roots of emotional stability yanked upon---violently shaken---Saturday.

     I've spent two days processing the sadness and disappointment that flooded my inner world after experiencing betrayal.  It's tough standing tall when my soul was nearly sucked from me.  That it was by the hand of someone nice and kind, makes the pain sharper.

        Something else hindered my soul from standing erect.  The knife of regret stabbed the legs of my soul, making them throb.  The damage won't heal soon.  

        Such is life and its learning curve.

*****

       An amazing conversation last week was a carnival of experiences.  Lovers Lane, the Hall of Horrors, and a disorienting fun house, filled with the distorted mirrors of self-delusion, were visited.  An adrenaline producing ride on the roller coaster of emotions took place, too.  If I told you the length of our visit, you wouldn't believe me.  

       Okay, it was ten hours.  Non-stop.

       During this carnival visit I asserted boundaries. This was my most difficult time, ever, of remaining true to principles.  I was strongly seduced to yield to temptation--overlooking boundaries that maintain my sanity, serenity and confidence.  

       I tried deceiving myself that happiness would be mine, if I surrendered.  But, my recovery has taught me the happiness would be temporary.  It would have trampled my values and long-term well-being.

       I haven't a clue what this new year will bring.  But, I know it will be good.  Each year, for the past thirteen, have been better than the previous.  

      This year will be the same.

Gratitudes:
1.  Surviving an assault on my emotional well-being.   I am in shock, but not depressed---that may come later. (I jest, I think.)
2.  I didn't busy myself with activity, after coming to terms with being misled.  That would have prevented me from feeling the enormity of my emotions.
3.  I value the sanity I have because I enjoy balance in my life.
4.  I look forward to asserting myself tomorrow.  There has been a hiccup about some plans I have made.  I need to talk with someone and clear that up.

How About You?
What do you do, to take care of yourself, when you feel sucker punched, emotionally?

New Year Gratitudes, And, Blaming Is a Form of Control.......... 1/1/15

Image: "Northamptonshire: Harvest Path" by Tim
 Blessed Copyrighted photo. Used by permission. 

    I can't think of a better way to start the year: with gra-titudes.  How was the beginning to your new year?  I am curious where this year will take me.  Last year was excellent.  I believe this one will be even better.
 
      Can you join me in