Common Sense When Relating With the Opposite Sex ......................6/29/12

"A friend is one who believes in you when
 you have ceased to believe in yourself."  

     Good evening everyone,

Aren't you glad that it's the weekend?  My body is getting a bit more sleep and my mind is very thankful. When I'm deprived of sleep, it affects my enthusiasm, energy and I get

An Antidote for Stress, Part II, Connecting with God 6/28/12

Image: "Woodland: The Edge of the Forest" by Tim Blessed
Copyrighted photo used by permission. 

Increasing My Conscious Contact of God's Will 
        I'm thankful that God is in control of my life, because I'm not. :)  Presently, I'm working through areas that are fraught with tension and fear.  I appreciate knowing some days, I will not take them one day at a time---I go through the difficult ones fifteen minutes at a time.  I try to be conscious of my relationship with my Higher Power.

        Using principles I've learned, I pray, that's talking to God.  I also meditate, which is listening to Him.  I ask for the ability to understand His will----hearing His voice.

"I call my sheep, they hear my voice and they follow me."            John 10:27

I keep myself still, freeing myself from distractions. I ask God to show me, through the orchestration of events of in my life, what He's trying to say to me, in what way is He nudging me.

        If I realize my life is going in the wrong direction, it doesn't help to run the opposite way, if I'm on the wrong bus.   My spiritual disciplines allow me to get off the bus of life, helping me and get my bearings, free from the distractions of busyness and the siren call of the world's temptations.

       This increases my conscious contact with the God of my understanding.  Praying for knowledge of His will and the power to care it out is known as Step 11, in recovery.

3.  I'm glad that I'm connected with a Power Greater than Myself who helps me overcome life's challenges.       Hey, thanks for dropping by and sharing your response to what I pen here. It's encouraging returning and reading your comments.
My Gratitudes for Today:
1. I'm still feel like

One Hour Sleep In Two Days .........6/27/12

       How are the dog day of Summer working out for you?   I'm happy to say that I've been tending to business, keeping myself busy and a bit frazzled. Some mornings have been tense. But I've learned to take life slowly and steadily.

Gratitude is when memory is stored
 in the heart and not in the mind.
Lionel Hampton

       I don't want to be guilty of emotional binges, allowing my feelings to overwhelm me.
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       Lately I've wanted to cycle more than I have.  Unfortunately, I've had the double whammy of

Gratitude: A Great Way To Reduce Stress . 6/26/12

Image: "Signet" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photograph. All rights reserved. 

      Hello everyone,

How has the week been for you? It's been a crazy week for me. I've been tending to business, making phone calls. So far, the outcome has been good.

 The following article by Ashley Davis Bush, a psychotherapist.  It fits perfectly with what we do here, at the Attitude of Gratitude Inn. Let me know what you think:
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         "We all know that one of the best ways to manage stress is exercise. Of course, we could also include massages, vacations, and healthy food as effective stress managers. But all these solutions require special circumstances that cost us money and time -- money and time that we often don't have in sufficient quantities

       "So what's a stressed person on a shoestring budget or full tilt schedule to do? The absolute cheapest, bargain basement stress management tool is right in your own mind -- the practice of gratitude.

       "Gratitude is the antidote to our most stressful thoughts. In an environment of gratitude, negative emotions cannot thrive. Dr. Robert Emmons, a positive psychologist, has shown how practicing gratitude can raise your "happiness level." 

         "Neuroscientist Rick Hanson, Ph.D., promotes the practice of "taking in t"Home Sweet Home" -- As you open the door to your home, reflect on a few qualities of this particular house, this unique home, this constellation of dwellers that improves your life. Most people take their home for granted. Here is an opportunity to be aware of your home as a gift. Let the feelings of comfort, safety and ease trigger a smile.

        " 'Rest in Peace' -- As you lay your head on the pillow at night, reflect on your day and observe 3 things for which you are thankful. They could be simple pleasures or large successes from the day. As you recall them, try to re-experience and savor them anew, expanding the feelings within your body and abshe good"because it deactivates our bodies' stress response and counteracts anxiety and depressive moods.

         "Focusing our stressed minds on the things that we're grateful for is like dousing a fire with cool water. Gratitude is habit-forming. With some practice, we can develop the habit of turning our attention to the plethora of blessings in our lives. Gratitude is not about ignoring the hard things in life; it is about honoring the gifts.

          "Whenever you practice gratitude, let yourself really notice the good feelings and allow the sensations and emotions to soak into your body and your memory. Inspired by my book Shortcuts to Inner Peace, the following simple exercises can be woven through your day to create a fabric of happiness and gratitude.

        " 'Good Morning Sunshine' -- When you first wake up in the morning, lie in bed with one hand on your upper chest and one hand on your lower belly. Think of three things in your life that make you smile. Breathe in gratitude and let it fill you.

        " 'See Food' -- As you eat your first bite of a meal or a snack, look at the food you put into your mouth and give thanks. Try to "see" where it came from and all the steps that were required to have it arrive on your plate. Imagine farmers, factories, truckers and chefs, each step an integral part of the journey to your mouth.

        " 'Job Fair' -- Just before you begin your work for the day, think of three things about your job that you really appreciate. Even if you're not thrilled with your job, look to see if you enjoy your co-workers, certain customer interactions, or simply the fact that you get a paycheck that allows you to pay your rent or mortgage.

        " 'Home Sweet Home' -- As you open the door to your home, reflect on a few qualities of this particular house, this unique home, this constellation of dwellers that improves your life. Most people take their home for granted. Here is an opportunity to be aware of your home as a gift. Let the feelings of comfort, safety and ease trigger a smile.

        " 'Rest in Peace' -- As you lay your head on the pillow at night, reflect on your day . and observe 3 things for which you are thankful. They could be simple pleasures or large successes from the day. As you recall them, try to re-experience and savor them anew, expanding the feelings within your body and absorbing the memory into your mind. 

            "Don't let stressful circumstances ruin your days. Once you start to see the details in your life through the lens of gratitude, you will find yourself happier and less stressed. No extra time or fancy equipment needed -- gratitude is yours for free!"

Celebrating Father's Day A Week Later ........ 6/25/12

Gratitude is the music of the heart, when its
chords are swept by the breeze of kindness. 

     Good morning everyone,

I'll head for bed in a moment. First, I'll share my gratitudes with the visitors to this inn.
1. Sunday, I celebrated

Dealing With Disappointment and What Allows Me to Be At My Best, When Stressed

“If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom?”

Kahlil Gibran

      Good evening,

I'm tired, and have a headache. Fitful sleep does that to me. I knew I had to get up early today, and kept waking up throughout the night.

      Also, the people in the house next door are in the midst of a move. They have been making plenty of noise---early in the mornings---waking me up, every day

Lows and Highs

     Good evening everyone.

How About You? 
       How was your week?  We haven't done the following in a few weeks. It's Friday. How about checking in?  Would it be possible to let me know:
1. What was your low point? What was the worst thing about this week, and why?
     The low point for me was being tired for most of the week.  I was exhausted by the events of last weekend. When my emotions are involved, I get worn down. This is true even if they are good emotions, as they were.  My son's graduation had me at a wonderful high. Celebrating it with him will be a lifetime monumental moment.

       Secondly, and I'm cheating, I had neighbors who have been noisy. They are moving. In the middle of the night they have waken me up, several times this week. This morning at 5:30 a.m. I went over and asked them if they could be quieter. They were. I should have done this sooner. Say---!   Maybe I'm tired because of this issue alone!

2. What was your high point? What did you like best about the past seven days, and why?
     For me, it was seeing my son graduate from college. It's fulfilling seeing a son achieve major milestones. I was proud for him. He put in a lot of work. He went through the grind necessary to achieve his education, despite many distractions and pressures.

Our Ideal Self Isn't, Revisited. No More Painful, Self-Imposed Dimples On My Soul ................................6/21/12

Our past, released by forgiveness and gratitude, frees our present to be all it could be.
Image: "Field and Country: Spring Shine by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. Used by
 permission. The caption is his and fits this post well. 

      I'm bumping this up.  I wrote this a year ago, last June.  Let me know your response.  I've re-worked it.  It's an example of second-day lasagna.  One year's perspective makes a difference.

**************************************

My Gratitudes for 6/21/12:
1.  I'm working out, making exercise a priority.  I feel good when I take care of

Boundaries, Expressing Our Voice and Dealing With Disappointment

Proverbs 25:12. See the first quote below, in purple.

       I love the commentary I'm reading from you, the guests to this inn. I delight in your honest answers.  I'm also enjoying is the theme of personal growth and awareness that I'm picking up from your comments. On top of that, all of you have been so

Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm: Not Allowing Others to Affect Our Serenity or Self-Image: Dealing with Bullies................ ...................6/19/12

          Good evening everyone,
I wrote what follows this picture a year ago, last March. I'm bumping it up, in case you missed it. It's so easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated, finding ourselves like deer frozen in the headlights when relating with an angry, intimidating or manipulative individual.
        Below is my response to such an occasion.  I'm thankful that I no longer accept unacceptable behavior, nor please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's

A Special Time With Family.................... 6/18/12

Tonight, I rode along this part of Alameda,
Crab Cove, five miles into my 15.5 mile ride. 

     Good evening,

The weekend was busy, but good.  Sunday, my

A Soothing Flood of Memories On a Scorching Day

           I just awoke from a nap.   The hot day enervated me. For three-and-a-half hours, I sat in 95 degree heat, wilting.  No comfort from the bay's cool breeze interrupted today's event. I'm climatically spoiled and melted under the assault of this summer day.

          The day was shadeless.  Such is the case when

My Son, A Fountain for Many Gratitudes

My son will look like this tomorrow. I'm proud of him. No, he's not in this photo. 

      How was your Friday?

I did errands in preparation for my oldest son's graduation, tomorrow.  I cycled thirty-six miles in the process. (Last month I rode 600 miles.)  I drove through downtown Oakland and up San Pablo Avenue, which was an experience.
A Scarey Moment
       I was scared when I rode up an automobile overpass that did not have a sidewalk, cars roaring behind me.

Second Day Lasagna (Also, Not Allowing Others to Define Us, Holding On To Our Autonomy) ........6/15/12

      Please help yourself to a portion of second-day lasagna.

      I wrote the following in my previous post. I've added to it and want to share it with you. You might have missed it. I often liken blogging to second-day

Not Allowing Others To Define Who We Are ......6/13/12 400th post

Gratitude is the fairest blossom
 which springs from the soul.
Henry Ward Beecher

       Here I am, again. And, am I glad! This entry is a milestone. I like milestones. I'm a milestone type of guy. You'll find why, in my

Today's a Special Day

Happy Fifteenth Month Anniversary!

      Good afternoon,

This is a special day, fifteen months since this inn opened its doors. Thanks for dropping by!

      I didn't realize how much I would

The Birth of Serenity After Weathering an Emotional Storm ................................................6/12/12

       Did you have a good day?  I certainly did. It's almost midnight over here, on the Left Coast. Even though the hour is late, I intend to go for a midnight ride this evening, after this post.

       Taxing my body is not only good for my body,but also for my soul, mind, emotions and spirit (which is different than our soul---for more about that, click here).  I sleep better, I burn calories, my mind gets cleared, stress is relieved and I commune with God, as I roll on two wheels past nature.  Cycling allows me time to pray.

       This was a good day for my

Calmness In the Eye of the Emotional Storm, Part II .............. 6/12/12

"No matter what's happening around 
us, we can choose to respond in a way
 that will help us learn and grow." 

Image: "Riverside: Old Willow" by Tim Blessed.Copyrighted photo
All rights reserved. Used by permission. 

       I believe in reality and prefer living in it than escaping from it. When we do, we feel better, allowing us to have a greater Attitude of Gratitude. 
Experiencing Growth:
 Expressing Concerns, Saying What Troubled Me
        Yesterday, I made an important call.  An intense conversation I knew would ensue. While not avoiding it, I needed time to prepare before engaging in it. I referred to this conversation in a previous post.

       For more insight into my perspective about last night's conversation, before I had it, click here. I wrote about my preparations for this time last week, as I prepared for the anticipated emotional hurricane.

       What I wanted to say, I processed for three weeks. It was a four-page, typed, single-spaced outline. I avoided judgment (for more on that, please click here).

       At the same time I listed what disturbed, saddened, and angered me: at an event, this person's lack of sen-sitivity created an unpleasant time, for me and others.

        I had the difficult conversation, that I was not avoiding, last night;  I'm glad I did.  Concerns I had with this individual I've known for nearly two decades, were expressed.  The outcome was good and disappointing at the same time.

This is also true for the success of
our emotional maturity. 

        The good: plenty, about their worldview and their character, I learned.  It's never too late to learn, grow, to become more accurately aware and adapt.  The disappointment: hearing his response.  He cared more about justifying his behavior than he did about what had recently wounded our relation-ship.
 
       I was sorry learning that, after all the time we've shared, and all the time invested in him,  he lacked empathy.  He was unable to connect with my feelings and needs when I had done so with him, for years.
 

      Yes, it takes emotional maturity to not become defen-sive when confronted.  I understand that.  However, for the past six years, on a weekly basis, this person has learned from me how to do that.  A disappointing eye-opener our conversation was.

         You know me well enough to know I appreciate mutuality in relationships. It was sad seeing this relation-ship operating only as a one-way street, for his benefit only, when it came to responding to my needs, he lacked sensitivity.

         After the call, I didn't stay in my sadness. But, it's important feeling our sadness and mourning the loss. And, I am mindful it is my job to process the let down of his response.  It was tragic witnessing his defensiveness.

         It's understandable, yes.  It can be hard, holding onto our own sense of self, remaining calm, when hearing boundaries from another, as this fellow heard mine.  But this is true only when our focus is upon ourselves; we are not considering the other person who is expressing their discomfort with our behavior,as I did that night.

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend. But the kisses of the enemy are deceitful. The full soul loathes the honeycomb, but for the needy soul, every bitter thing is sweet." 

               Proverbs 27: 6-7 

A Key Relationship Principle          

       A Safe Person cares more about the relation-ship than the issue.  An Unsafe Person cares more about the issue than the relationship. A Safe Person corrects us in order to forgive us. The Unsafe Person corrects us in order to condemn us. 

         When push comes to shove, his reactive self emerged. What he learned from me, after I had mentored him for years went out the window, once we had a difference of opinion.

         Calmness in the eye of the storm, in this case---a confrontation---helps us keep perspective.  It allows us to avoid the trap of negative emotions that erupt, if we are not careful when dealing with a problem. Serenity during such times allows us to stay in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.

       We don't surrender them because we are with an angry person or because we feel threatened and find ourselves yielding to our childhood default mode of defensiveness.

         I'm glad I stated my observations.  I mentioned my feelings about these observations and the needs beneath my negative emotions. The need for dignity, respect, sensitivity, consideration, equality, emotional safety, a celebration of life, and ease were not met when this person acted out when I was with friends and family.

        I made a request, that these qualities be honored, especially when with others.
   

    His response when I broached my concerns: he did not take ownership for his out-of-hand be-havior. He chose to not hear my con-cerns.  It was all about him.

          No empathy.

         That's okay.   His response wasn't what I hoped for.  But, I'm thankful.  I better understand him.

          I learned how I want to relate to this guy.  I was dumb-founded learning, after years working with him, he is an unsafe person.  However, I am grateful for awareness.

          It is necessary before I can experience personal growth. Recovery through Al-Anon Family Groups teaches me to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it meanly.  If I talk about what troubles me, there is a chance for things to improve.
     

       If I am mute about what disturbs me, there is zero chance the relationship improves. Problems don't go away, when ignored. I made my effort that night.

          I do my best, leaving the results in the hands of the God of my understanding.  Because I do, I enjoy a serenity greater than I have ever known.
How About You? 
Who is someone you need to talk to?
  a. How do you feel about it?
  b. What motivates you to have a difficult conversation?
Related Posts: 
1. Guarding Our Emotional Sobriety---Not Taking It Personally
2. Dealing With Emotional Bullies
3. Expressing Our Views Gently
4. Saying Our No Gently

A Grateful Innkeeper

        Hi there,

Did you enjoy your Monday?  I did, mine.  My health is being restored.  My back pain is almost entirely gone. Ya ay!

        Today, I slowed down, I

Getting Better, Taking Care of Self, Enjoying Time with My Son & Nature. (And I Was a Bad Kitty) ..............6/8/12

          How was it for you, now that this work week has ended?

My back is recovering, thank God.  I have plenty to be thankful for, including your concern for my recent health challenge.
My Gratitudes for Today:
1.  The weather was fabulous.  I live in a place that has absolutely perfect weather. Recently it has been in the high seventies, with a cool breeze and NO humidity.
2.  My back is not hurting much, tomorrow will make it a week that I've had this problem. I'm grateful my health is being restored.
Taking Care of Myself In Small Ways
Providing Opportunities To Dream
3.  I reduced

I'm In An Area of Growth ................................6/7/12

Image: "Field and Country: New Wheat" by Tim Blessed.
 All rights reserved. Copyrighted material. 

       How are you?

This is an unusual time for me to post. A moment is available and I want to check in. The body is feeling a bit better. For those who don't know, my back has been in constant pain for several days.

        An interaction I had with someone recently left me not happy.  Needs for courtesy, respect, safety and celebration weren't met.  As I frequently point out in this inn, I prefer responding, rather than reacting to life. Reacting allows the jackal within me to have its day.  Never a good idea.

        I have zero interest in

Taking it Easy---My Back Has Been Killing Me.

      I'm taking it easy tonight. I'm heading off to bed early---I'm trying to get my body back into shape. My lower back has been a constant source of pain over the past five days.
    My Gratitudes for Today:
1. I'm thankful for my backache. It has

A Spiritual Awakening, Part I. Appreciating Life's Gifts, Staying in the Moment, Not Distracted by Fear or Resentment, Revisited 6/4/12

Forgiveness is man's deepest need and highest achievement. 
Horace Bushnell
To forgive is God-like, and one of the greatest uses of our free will.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
 Mahatma Ghandi
Forgiveness is the price of Happiness. Mark Pilbeam
Forgiveness is freedom. Tony Dailo,
The glory of Christianity is to conquer by forgiveness. William Blake
Unforgiveness is the burning of the bridge we must cross ourselves.

(Photographer's caption)

             My guess is your weekend was fine. 
The following, after these comments,  I wrote a year ago, last April. I'm bumping it up. It's the sixth most popular post out of the nearly four hundred written.  I'm curious hearing your response.
         For the first time in years, my back is acting up. Ouch. No fun.  I've needed to

Expressing Our Voice, Part IV (Not Going Along WIth the Crowd) ..................6/3/12

Cowardice asks the question - is it safe?
Expediency asks the question - is it politic?
Vanity asks the question - is it popular?
But conscience asks the question - is it right?
And there comes a time when one must
take a position that is neither safe, nor
politic, nor popular; but one must take it
 BECAUSE it is right.
Image: "Countryside: Willow Sunset" by Tim Blessed. 
All rights reserved. used by permission

         Good evening,

How was your weekend?  I wrote someone else recently about the following episode. I decide to share my experience with you, too.

         I'm enjoying life.  Sometimes, I surprise people. Saturday morning was a recent occasion.  I met with a bunch of friends. All of us are involved with the same non-profit organization.
Being Externally Referented
         It's easy, going along with the crowd. I don't, if I disagree, regardless of

Being Gentle Towards Ourselves: The Antidote to Guilt .......................6/2/12

Be assured that just as an hour is only part of a day, so life on Earth is only part of eternity. Image: "Wetlands: Swan" by Tim Blessed. All rights reserved. Copyrighted photograph, used by permisssion. Caption by the artist.

      Good evening everyone,

The day was relaxing, just what the innkeeper needed. A nap in the evening was the tonic I needed.  Tightness in my quadriceps while riding my bike this morning prompted me to not do my long ride.  I'll shoot for tomorrow..... Progress Not Perfection.

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     In a comment to my previous post, "Defensive Hope, Revisited," Someone commented:

"Last year I decided to leave a marriage that took a lot of my energy but

Defensive Hope, Revisited......... 6/1/12

"If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves
 what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done." - John Lubbock

        I wrote this July 8th of last year.  It's the fourth most popular all-time post.  I'm bumping it up for those who did not know me then or who haven't read it.

       The topic is a serious issue.  If we want to get emotionally healthy, discerning choices need to be made, when relating with difficult---unsafe---others.  Are you, or have you been, in Defensive Hope?  Let me know.  I'll get to this subject after listing my gratitudes.

                       I wish you a great weekend,
                              The Innkeeper

My Gratitudes:

1. My work is satisfying---I love what I do----no two days are the same, I enjoy calling my own hours, I'm contributing to the world; how could I not have an Attitude of Gratitude?