Making Amends & Being Gentle Towards Self ....... 4/21/11

     I hope this post is helpful.  It deals with an important subject----making amends. This is different and more effective than apologizing, which is merely
uttering words. Amends is a source for emotional and psychological relief. 

  "Friendship is a plant of slow growth, that must endure many seasons of adversity, before it is worthy of that appellation."  Geo. Washington

    This has been an amazingly fulfilling, satisfying, wonderful week.  How have things gone for you?  It's rewarding, having the support of caring friends and family members.  I enjoy the growth that's possible when I place principles above areas in my personality that are vulnerable.

     Earlier today, I met with a dear friend I've known for more than 30 years.  I learned, as a result of our meeting, there are issues requiring correction in my relationship with his wife. They are matters that happened more than fifteen years ago.  I had no idea.

Yikes!  Wow, even.  In such times, I like Goethe's perspective:

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

     This stormy subject surfaced, while spending time with my friend. I scrounged up the courage to discuss the issue, after we had lunch.  I was glad we could talk about it. I plan on taking steps to resolve it, leaving the outcome is in God's hands, not mine. I've already gunked up the works.

Being Responsible
     Not only do I take responsibility for my behavior, I only focus on cleaning my side of the street. This is true even if my part----in my biased perspective----created only one percent of the problem.  I take ownership and clean that portion, never minding that the other person is 99 percent wrong. This is making amends and does wonders to easing out of a stormy situation with another

     The other person's response is irrelevant.  Expecting a positive reaction sets me up for disappointment.

      Also, I do not make amends for the other person's sake.  I do them for mine.  It frees me from the weight of guilt.  There is a key piece when dealing with an area where I was wrong.  I ask the person, "what can I do to make this right?"

     To their reply I heed.  If possible, I do their bidding, as best I can, if possible.  In most causes, taking these restorative steps strengthens the relationship.  Like the pottery above, the mending where the relationship was fractured actually enhances it.

     Having gone through this process adds beauty to our relationship.  Now, we are beyond surface-level conversations.  We are real with one another.  Our friendship is far greater than simply a title we give those following us on Facebook.

     Weathering the storm of adversity between us, allows us to experience a new level of intimacy.  We have stood for ourselves (demonstrating our true values, through our corrective behavior) while not standing against our fellows (From Survival to Recovery, p 269 ) Authenticity and integrity, qualities rarely enjoyed when connecting with others, is ours, when making sincere amends.

     One caveat. We don't take action that may cause injury to the person approached or others. "Others" includes us.  Sometimes indirect amends through changed behavior serve us best.     This is where it's good getting feedback from my Balcony People.

Being Gentle Towards Myself, When I Goof
       I know it's crucial that I don't avoid doing what I can can, to right a situation, in order to spare myself discomfort.  That only creates more guilt and stymies my healing.  I'm comforted knowing that when I see an area needing growth, I don't need to berate myself. (For more about being gentle towards ourselves, you can read here.)   It simply reveals I'm getting healthier.  I see area of growth that I was unable to see before.

       Wow, life is good.  I'm thankful for heals an area of perception that were damaged as a child.  In my family of origin, it was frowned upon to admit mistakes.  I was punished when I confessed errors.
 
        I'm thankful, knowing now, that I am not what I do.  I'm loved by God and friends because of who I am, faults characterological warts included.  I am free to be myself.  Being courteous, considerate, kind and loving are the qualities I want reflected in my life.  Other than that, I'm free to be whoever I choose to be.