Where Has the Innkeeper Been? 4/29/14

      As you have noticed, I've been absent for nearly a week.  I'm consumed with work, not to mention that I moved.  Again.  I settled into my new digs in two days.  Everything out of boxes and in place.  It's amazing what can happen between

Charles Part III, The Bowling Outing.............. 4/23/14

      One Saturday, we went to a bowling alley on the El Camino, in Redwood City.  Charles went too.   I'm pretty good with this sport, as I usually won at horseshoes since a kid.  The tossing motion is

The Story of Charles.................... 4/22/14

        It was baffling, encountering him the first time.

         He walked a-round with his right hand on the right corner of his head, where the edge of his forehead met his hair-line.  This hand pushed the side of his head against his left shoulder, cocking it to one side.  With his head in this position--his hand at all times pushing it against his body--he walked around the mental health center where I worked.

        He had been a resident for two years when I began working there. It is so many years ago, I will honor him by using his real name.  You will never meet Charles.

        Glasses rested on he triangular head.  His cheeks were wide, like a squirrel's mouth full of nuts. It formed the base of his head.
 
        The rest of it came to a point on top.  He breathed  out his soft chuckles in a re-strained way as if cotton filled his mouth.

       His gentle eyes matched his soft voice and quiet demeanor.  A patch of curly hair topped his head.  His father, whom he never met, was African American.

       His mother was Hispanic.  He was overweight.  And shy, there was a reason for that.

      His pants were too large.  Slipping down, they revealed his hairy butt.  You didn't want to see it, after having lunch.

      I would know.

      On rainy days, while out on the patio on the third floor, he stood alone.  The rain pouring on him, while not wearing a coat.  He did not own one.

      Many staff members doted on their pets, a resident receiving prefer-ential treatment.  Like Richard, who wasn't all there.  He had a round mark on his forehead, the size of a nickel.

      That part of his head was soft, missing the skull. This dip in his forehead was a gift from his mother, an RN.  She had Richard have a lobotomy as a teenager.

      This was to calm the once-raging temper of his adolescence.

      Richard always greeted me, calling me Ben.  When I reminded him of my real name, he would say my name, not pronouncing the "l".  "Pah bo."  Every time.

      Charles was not pet material.  Quiet.  Not cute, keeping to himself.

      Intrigued by his unique behavior, I pulled out his chart, he was part of my caseload of twenty-four residents.  The social worker's intake re-port revealed Charles's father left his mother when she became pregnant with him.  The report also detailed the most disturbing news in his case history.
     

       Tears filled the back of my eyes while reading it at the nursing station: his mother kept him in a closet for sever-al years while he was a child.

       Charles' pushing his head to his left shoulder comforted him, then, as a child---while in a closet---and now, as a young adult.  It was a habit kept though he no longer lived alone.  It was his unique contribution to his home, the locked sub-acute psychiatric facility, holding one hundred and twenty residents.

       Although working in the Rehab Department, I did nursing duties, when tending to Charles. I wasn't supposed to.  But the nursing staff didn't mind.

       It was one less person they had to worry about.  I got a special comb that worked well with his nappy hair, helping him with his grooming skills.  I encouraged him to routinely shave his scruffy beard.

       A bribe of a Kudos candy bar from Rehab canteen did the trick.
     

"Charles, you can't continue turning on women by showing your butt," I said after spend-ing two weeks with him and his droopy pants.

       He chuckled, his eyes sparkling, revealing a shy smile.  We visited the bou-tique on the first floor.  It had clothing donated by family members and local stores for the residents.

      Charles dug in the bins and found pants that fit, and a belt, too.  No longer was his hairy butt an unsightly moving billboard of self-neglect.  And he picked out a green jacket.

      Working with him, being his buddy, his eyes now lit up when they met mine---making my day.

      Residents start out with earning a red privilege card.  It allowed them to walk on the enclosed grounds.  It also let them scoot ahead of others during snack time.
   

      If they attended groups (which my Rehab Department colleagues and I taught), did their grooming and got along with staff and residents, they could move up to a green and eventually the coveted gold "P" card.  It was doled out, based on a staff conference that assessed the resident's compliance with their care plan.

      For Charles, I skipped the bureaucracy involved with outings.  Us in rehab were in charge of this activity.  It was a privilege for those who did their self-care, followed their activity program, and got along with staff and others.

      Charles did none of these, except the grooming because of our time together.  Nonetheless, I put him on the top of the outings list.  Within a week, he enjoyed his first outing.

      This happening after twenty-six months cooped up at the mental health center, overlooked and vegetating.

     He made the most of the freedom the evening excursion provided.  He combed his hair.  He shaved.  His new pants fit well around his waist.

     He was a new man, entering into a new social world, no longer standing alone on the third-floor patio. He was back in the community, hobnobbing with other citizens of Redwood City.  All this while sipping a hot chocolate drink topped with whipped cream at a Denny's Restaurant on Veterans Blvd.

      He delighted in his temporary but supervised liberty, wearing a slight smile. He sat at two long tables pushed together, length-wise. This expanded rectangle accommodated him, my co-worker, myself, and thirteen other residents.

     He deposited himself next to a window.  He gazed at the steady traffic and people passing by.  It was the first time he saw a new street and different faces in more than two years.
   

       While sipping his hot beverage, he looked sideways. Taking in others in the restaurant who were better dressed, definitely not fellow residents.  An older woman smiled back.

       Returning to the hospital, he stood in front of the vehicle while passengers filed out, returning home.  I filled out the trip log for the sixteen passenger extended Econoline van.

      When I finished locking up the vehicle, he and I walked to the front door of the hospital.

     "Thank you," Charles whispered.

      He was the only resident expressing gratitude for the outing.  Hear-ing him, my heart did a joyful backflip.  His appreciation made my efforts with him worthwhile, far beyond any paycheck could offer.

        That night, not once did he place his hand on his head.  He did not cock it sideways, resting it on his shoulder.  Learned behavior can be unlearned. 

         When someone validates and cares for a person, growth and healing can take place.  Getting more out of life is birthed when a person experiences supportive honesty from true friends.

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful."        Proverbs 27:6 

        Progress also occurs when an individual loves themself enough to move beyond negative, self-defeating default modes that never served them.

       Thank you, Charles, for your example, inspiring me whenever I think of you. 

Authenticity, The Stuff of Intimacy...... 4/21/14

      Like a kid in a candy store best describes my feelings.  

      The other day met many of my needs, making it terrific, better than

Ruminations On Easter and My Personal Resurrection 4/20/14

 

    Good evening,

How are you? As always, take what you like and leave the rest.

    What a lovely day today was.  I made time, reflecting upon the significance of Easter.  I spent it with loved ones and am glad for it.  It's amazing how holidays can evolve with time.
My Gratitudes for Today.
1. The message of Easter. Nope, it's not about

Easter Is Not About Easter Bunnies.......... 4/19/14

      Good evening everyone,

 As with everything I write, please take what you like and leave the rest.

     Easter is fast approaching. I know the image of it, for many, is bunnies, pastel colors, and candy.  Originally this holiday---or holy day---was about the event that occurred after

Calmness In the Eye of the Storm, Part II, Revisited 4/18/14

     Innkeeper's note:  I'm bushed.  I'm bumping this up.  I wrote this last year.  Some of you were not acquainted with this inn, then. Here it is:                                                     

*****************

      The past few months have been inspiring, a time of characterological growth.  Its been a season where I've seen the value of

Relating, Being Present vs. Using Control................ 4/16/14

Happiness is not something you
 postpone for the future; it is some-
thing  you design for the present.
Jim Rohn 

      The material below helps us have more authentic, enriching relation-ships.

      When relating, we bond with others, going beyond superficiality. Our connections satisfy us at a deep level. Trust, intimacy abound.

       If we control, we create distance and distrust.  We irritate.  The dignity and autonomy of others is disrespec-ted.  We won't be liked.  Who enjoys being manipulated?

I.  Relating: An Overview

  A.  Being open and present to what            is, be it painful or pleasant. 

   B.  It is being present.

  Summary:

          1. It is the best way to connect.  It  leaves a positive impact on                       others.  

          2. It is the stuff of authenticity and intimacy.

"With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now. "   Ralph Waldo Emerson

II.  Being Controlling

   A.  It is trying to:

        1.    Make something happen.          

        2.    Look confident vs. being authentic.            

          3.  Get others to like us or pay attention.  

          4.  Not look foolish.                               

          5.  Get our own way.                                          

          6.  Avoid confrontation or conflict    

          7.  Makes sure the other person is not uncomfortable             

          8.   Keep things from getting too intense

              a.  We manage the anxiety of being present.                                    B. The Most Significant Feature of Control
          1.  Avoiding feeling squirmish. 

"When one door closes  another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."  Alexander Graham Bell    

III.  Relating: The Particulars

        A.  When we relate, we are curious about the outcome instead               of controlling it.

        B.  More interested in discovering and experiencing what is. This is differs from manipulating circumstances to come out as we want.

        C.  When we lack interpersonal skills and confidence, we are more apt to resort to control patterns.

IV.  Delving Into the World of Control

A.  A control pattern is any automatic patterned way of thinking or behaving that keeps us from feeling what is really going on inside of us.

B.   We think it helps us appear more comfortable. We delude ourselves into thinking we are more in control than we actually feel.

C.   We want to outgrow our need to protect ourselves from reality.

        1.  Reality is good. 

        2.  Living within reality is being present. 

D.  We want to develop the inner strength required to deal with what is really going on in the relationship.

      1.  We use control patterns when we are fearful.

E.   We need to learn to embrace the reality that we cannot control how others feel toward us.

VI.  Typical Examples of Being Controlling

1.  Over-talking.                                       

2.  Explaining/justifying                               

3.  Judgmental self-talk                             

4.  Self-congratulatory self -talk.                      

5.  Fearful self-talk                                   

6.  Impulsively speaking up before you know what you want to say.  

7.  Looking intensely into someone eyes in order to impress.

8.  Not looking into someone’s eyes in order to avoid too much     intensity. 

9.  Waiting to speak until you are sure you will be well received

****

There is more to this outline, but this is enough for tonight.  I'm exhausted.  I'll work on the formatting another time.  I have more pressing matters to attend to. 

All rights reserved.  © 2014

Resisting The Investment Necessary for Healing and Growth.............. ...................4/16/14

      Good morning.  This post reaches you earlier than normal.  The past week has been different.  I don't quite understand it all, but that is okay.  Reality is not limited to what I compre-hend nor is it necessarily based solely on my perceptions.

      I try making sense of what has been surfacing in my life lately.  To cope when living is a blur, I breathe deeply.  I do the next right step.  I connect with the

Review of the Past Week: Highs and Lows. Let Me Hear From You ........... 4/13/14

       How are you?  This inn opened its doors 37 months ago, on this day.  This place is but a youngster.

        It is 1:44 a.m., Pacific Time, here, in California.  Earlier, I was busy, not posting at my usual time, just before the day changes its name.  For the last one-and-a half hours I supported a friend while she took

Time With Family. Growing,Getting Lessoned, Not Lessened .......... 4/12/14

      I was tired all day, beginning when I awoke today.  My work depletes me, physically and emotionally, if I do not discharge the stress inherent in it.  In addition, I worked this afternoon, which has not happened in a long while.  On top of that I went to bed at 4:00 a.m., Friday, rising at 7:00 a.m.
   
      Today I reaped what I have sown, in terms of punishing my

Charles, The Beginning of a Story................ 4/10/14

The passageway to happiness and gratitude requires humility,
 having a sense of awe for the simple pleasures of life. 

        I will not complete this story tonight.  It is late and this tale will take time.  But it needs telling.  Installments I'll use.

       When I met him, I didn't understand.  He walked around with a hand on the right corner of his head, where the edge of his forehead met his hairline.

       His hand pushed his head against his left shoulder, cocking it to one side.  With his head in this position, and a hand still placed on it,  he walked tentatively around the mental health center where I worked.  He had been a resident there for two years, when I began work there.  It is so many years ago, I will

Facing Stress 4/9/14

        I'm slipping in this post before the day changes its name.  I'm beat.   I am sleeping better, though.  I am using something that helps me sleep.  Knocking my head with a rubber mallet is leaving a lump on my head, however.

Gratitudes for Wednesday: 
1.  Many are dropping by this inn.  Thank you.  Please leave a comment.  I'd love hearing from you.  Today, one hundred and fifty-three visited from India, sixty-one from the U.K., with many from Germany, Poland, Russia, the Dominican Republic, Singapore, Turkey and Canada.  Four hundred and fifty-three guests dropped by today, from the U.S.

2.  I'm facing stress regarding a practical matter.  What is good about that?  It makes me

Relating Is Preferred to Being Controlling....... 4/8/14

In this post I share how I
went through a new passageway. 

         Recently I was chal-lenged.

        My serenity was.  I watch-ed the trajectory of my emotions as I wrestled over an issue with someone deeply valued.

         I was uncomfortable.  I felt confused, sad.  I told her what troubled me about us.  It is fine having those feelings when relating.

         It is critical, being open when connecting with others.  It is best being vulnerable with good friends.  It is also essential, being present to what is.  Be it painful or pleasant.

        This is the stuff of authenticity.  It is the source of in-timacy.  This is relating.  It is having presence.

        When we are this way friend-ships are satisfy-ing.  We are not contriving.  Life is richer.  We are our true selves.  Truly connecting with another.

        Our love bank is getting filled.  We are happier.  We are bonding at the heart level.

        Relating is the best way to connect.  It leaves an impact on others.  At times it involves wading through discomfort.  Once a conflict is resolved, our bond with that person grows.  We draw closer

        A problem arose with my good friend.  I didn't try making things go my way.  I refrained from controlling the situation.  I didn't act confident.

        That is being false.  It is not relating.  Being controlling pre-vents authenticity.  When we are controlling we are motiva-ted by fear.  That is not me.

         I am fearless.  Although soft-spok-en, I am courageous.  I do not want to prevail over what-ever confronts me.  Heck no.

         I am fearless because I don't judge myself when there is a problem.  I don't worry about the consequences when rela-ting, especially during difficult times.  Whatever  direction a relationship goes is never a statement about me.

        That reality frees me from fear and anxiety.  It lets me have peace of mind.  It helps me relax when relating.  I am not defined by cir-cumstances or by how I am treated.

        Another reality: I am loved.  Deeply.  I am accepted.  Profoundly so.  By God and many I know.  I thrive.  I know emotional object constancy.  It is my source for internal strength and enduring hope.

        Life can be rough.  It doesn't mean I am being punished.  God is not angry at me.  My worth is set.  I am profoundly loved.

       I know a com-passionate God.  (He also loves you.  As much as He does me.) The founda-tion of who I am is unshakable.  It consists of a great relationship with God.  And it in-cludes my Safe People/Balcony Friends (see the second half of this link).

       Am I lucky.  This is the source for my thankfulness. The source of who I am is also bolstered by strong principles. What are they? See this link.

       Feeling foolish is fine.

       Sometimes that is how we feel.  We are authentic when we ad-mit our awkwardness.  Denying it is being controlling.  The same is true if we try to force matters.  Or if we try to control outcomes.

     I am not God, thank God.  I leave the results of my efforts to Him.  I do my best.  I then rest by letting go.
 

     With authen-ticity we enjoy intimacy.  With-out it, true bond-ing can't happen.

       I allow my anx-ieties in an relation-ship to surface.  I communicate with others what is going on in me. What usu-ally happens?  I draw closer to that person. More than ever before.

      I let that individual know the real me.  Trust develops.  That friend draws closer to me.

      When relating, I am curious about the outcome.  I want to discover it.  This is experiencing what is.  It is better than manipula-ting outcomes in a pre-arranged way, trying to make things go my way.

       Relationships are a form of right-sizing.  When in one, I am reminded the scope of any relationship is bigger than me.  The friend-ship extends beyond my desires and feelings.  It is focusing on what is best for the two of us.  It is meetiing the need of the other person, too.  But not neglecting mine, either.

Being controlling is an automatic patterned way of thinking or behav-ing that keeps us from feeling what is going on inside of us.                                          Susan Campbell,  Getting Real

       Trying to control is an attempt at avoiding awkwardness.  We are fleeing relational discomfort.  We want to outgrow protecting ourselves from reality.  Reality is good.  It is all we have.

       Relating is paying attention to what we are feeling.  We don't run from what churns within.  It is being present.  It is surfing the waves of circumstances that pour our way.  When operating this way we are authentic. We are becoming more natural.

       My friend and I weathered the recent conflict.  Afterwards she wrote, "I want to thank you for being honest and understanding re-garding our talk.  I hate conflict and I would do anything to avoid it.  But, thanks to you, I could be open and vulnerable instead of shutting down. "

       We worked through areas of contention.  Our intimacy thrived.  We dealt with issues supportively.  We went beyond superficial re-lating.   Our relationship bonded more deeply.

       Why?  Troubling issues were addressed. The way they were approached enabled us to solve them.

        It has been said success is preparation meeting opportunity.  I'm glad for what I know.  More important is applying this information when the fitting occasion arises.  We learn not to increase our knowledge.  

       We study to change our lives.  When we do, life has a deeper texture when we apply the healthy principles we learn.  Our joy in-creases.  

        Our needs get met.  We are also more the person we want to be.  Fearlessly.

       We will experience love more deeply.  Smiling happens fre-quently.  Joy increases with each day. 

       This is the result of being present, being transparent with others.

      There are areas in our lives still needing healing, growth.  But, we can still relate.  We can still be authentic.  

       And our life will be fuller and more satisfying, our friendships will have greater depth.  And we will have a tremendous  Attitude of Gratitude.

        May your Wednesday, fill you with joy and gratitude,

                                Pablo

Emotional Resiliency, The Conclusion......... 4/7/14

     Tonight, this is the fifth and last posting on emotional resilient people.  For links to the previous four postings on this subject, where you will get more detail on each of these qualities, please click here.  A brief review of the previous eleven.

1.  Resilient people know their boundaries and are clear about who they are.  They do not live in vagueness. They know their must haves and can't stands, what they will and will not tolerate.
2.  They see the Big Picture. They are not externally referented, they don't let others trigger them or determine their worth.
3.  They cultivate self-awareness.  They realize they are not what

Reviewing the Past Seven Days: High and Low Points............... 4/6/14

      Good evening.  This will be brief.  I'm tired, but a good tired. This morning I took a three hour Sunday drive.

      The places journeyed were encouraging---if that is possible.  There was laughter and thoughtfulness as I travelled with a companion.  Intensity and brilliance accompanied us, as we enjoyed the countryside of a

Emotional Resiliency, Part IV..................... 4/5/12

        Time has sped by since the last post on emotional resiliency.

        Links for previous posts on this subject are at the end of tonight's post. Here we go...
Emotionally Resilient People.....
10.  Do not live in isolation.

       They know how to reach out for support.  They know who to approach for the help needed.  When caught in drama, it's hard having an accurate perspective.

Letting Go and Letting God, Overcoming the Bus of Busyness 4/3/13

      Hello.  Once again, I'm using clothespins to keep my eyes open as I write this post. I'm that tired. Thank you, for dropping by and giving me a visit.

     Today was an intense day at work.  From 8:30 a.m. until to 9:30, this evening, I worked.  In-between appointments, I wrote new material that I will use with clients and used tonight, while helping someone as a relationship and dating coach.

     What I created deals with the difference between being controlling and relating.  Relating is being

The Incubating Innkeeper.......... 4/3/14

   Late to bed and early to rise makes me a tired innkeeper at this hour.  But I'm still happy.  I went the day without my phone.  And it was fine.  Life was good, better than normal.

    I have been incubating.  My soul is processing what has transpired the past few weeks.  Plenty.  Overall, I see I'm still growing, characterologically.

    At times it is disorienting,

Enjoying the Wealth Available When We Are Present................. 4/1/14

"A single day is enough to make us a little larger." Paul Klee

    How was your day?  Work went well.  But I am in a fog.  A good one.  I continue to wade through what I encountered Sunday.  The main thing is that I am

Guest Blogger, From the Guest List of this Inn! .......... 3/31/14

A great way to exercise somatic therapy.  See # 1 below

       Innkeeper's Note:    Here is a comment from someone who recently became a guest of this inn: Tony, aka Superman.  He was unable to get what he penned in the