Calmness In the Eye of the Emotional Storm, Revisited ........... 4/29/15

I am presenting this again, written four years ago, when this place was just a baby.  The subject matter is still relevant: not getting triggered by abusive others. Maintaining our safety during roiling times. Let me know your thoughts.

I'm grateful for principles that allow me 

to remain calm in the midst of a storm

It's important shel-tering ourselves, when overwhelmed by the crushing waves of abuse. This is also true when experiencing des-pair, frustration, self-loathing or the negative behavior of others, as was the case yesterday.

         An instrumen-tal part of my growth is Al-Anon Family Groups, an amazing organization.  It's been an emotional and mental life saver.  For more about it, see the footnotes.  As, always, take what you like and leave the rest. 

         It's easy surrendering our boundaries, becoming intimidated.  This is a natural reaction when relating with an angry or manipulative individual.  I no longer please unpleasant people, nor bear the burden of another's

I'm Back ............... 4/28/15

     It is chal-lenging, diving off the high dive of turmoil and personal growth the past few weeks.  The intensity, more than I care to know, testing the limits of my equanimity.  Multitudes of feelings, I am proces-sing . Joy. Anger. Con-fusion, Resentment. More joy.

We Are Not Defined By What Others Think of Us ..... 4/22/15

          It's amazing being maligned. Falsely accused before more than twenty people took place Saturday morning.  It is never acceptable.   Ever.  But, was I glad.  When angry by nature people are upset with me, it means

The Value of Anger ........ 4/20/15

      I'm processing confusion, loss, not certain where the waves of the future will lay me down.  I am talking about one area of life.  Gradual-ly, it is dawning that I may have been mis-led or unalert.  

      Not happy about this emotionally painful probability.  But being precipitous, I am avoid-ing.

       I am sitting with my feelings, letting them speak, not understand-ing what they are declaring. Deciphering their message requires being still, while they shriek their warning. The bundled tension of life is be-ing juxtaposed with the serene calmness that recovery and a relation-ship with God offers.

      Dealt with an angry client today.  By the end of the ses-sion, issues were clarified, he was back in his right mind.  Experiencing the anger that dwells within me is happening more frequently.  Not rage.  Revealing this negative emo-tion without violence or put downs, I am.

      I'm recognizing that, for years, I have tolerated too much unfairness.  Lack of balance, abuse and selfishness from others I have endured.  I thought I was being nice, patient.  Instead, I was being unfair to me.  Now, I more deeply understand the value of Anger.

    Expressing the needs underneath this negative feeling is producing ter-rific results, better than I thought.  I am feeling bet-ter, too.  Being present helps my relationships become more authentic. The downside is that emo-tionally and mentally, I am often spent, afterward.

Gratitudes:
1.  For patience. This wasn't my nature, as a young man.  Applying healthy principles above my personality allows me to respond, not react.
2.  I spent time with others yesterday at Fenton's Ice Creamery.  Yum.  While there, Stuart and I had a great time, visiting for three hours.
3.  A concert was had in Alameda, Latin Jazz in nature.  Nice.  It was great, slowing down, letting my body be soothed by music.
4.  I was maligned by an abusive person.  That let's me know I am doing something right.

       I have more to say about the healing beauty that anger provides, and how we can empty out this often volatile emotion properly, not abusively.  In the meantime, let me hear what is alive within you.  I'd love to read your gratitude. 

This Past Week: The Good ........ 4/18/15

      At the inn, the beginning of a the week is when inventorying the past seven days often happens. We list the highs and lows, the best and worst that took place.  Here's how it worked out for me.                                                                                                                 High points: 

1.  I rode my bike Friday.  Glorious!  I missed using my steel steed.  I was happy taking in the cool bay breeze on a warm day, discharging tension held within.
2.   My car died Thursday.  Now, my transportation is better than ever, I have a different car.
3.   A source of tension is gone.  Enjoying life with more comfort, peace of mind and ease validates steps taken to make this happen. Making an amends to me, by not accepting unacceptable behavior, was the highest of my high points this week.
  4.   My friends rallied around me,  during a time of trouble.  Closeness and companionship nurtures me, making life sweet.  Knowing that I don't have to endure pain alone gives me hope, surrounds my heart with love, providing peace of mind.

5.  Several new clients, have been added to my schedule, as of this month.  I enjoy serving others.
  6.   I saw a play tonight.  Loved it.  It was terrific, spending time with the person who went with me. Got to know him better.
  7.   Soon, very soon, I'll give a workshop in San Leandro.  I love doing them.
  8.   I love an app that helps organize my day. Because of it, I am getting plenty done. I makes it easier to stick to priorities.
  9.   I had an intense conversation this morning, but intensely good.  I even cried, good tears. I am glad I was authentic and present, expressing what troubled and angered me.

How About You? 
What were your high and low points for the past week?
I'd love hearing your answers.

Defensive Hope, Revisited ............... 4/17/15

       Early good morning to each of you.  I just got in from watching a movie. I am posting the following again.  It deals with a subject that often causes us to live insanely.

Five Steps That Slay the Dragon Of Fear ............... 4/16/15

 Resting In the Tension 

       Early yesterday, I was agitated.

       I was besides myself, not thinking clearly.  My morning was ruined.  The specter of facing an unpleasant person hollowed the joy out of me.

      I was overwhelmed.

      I got in touch with my ugly feelings. I confronted the dark emotions that churned within.  The ones that awaken the nine year old in me.  The young boy that surfaces when I am frightened.

      Last night, my healthier self comforted him.  The recovery-filled self faced the dragon of fear. True to form, it appeared tonight at 6:00 p.m.  I was yelled at.  I was having a session with my most dif-ficult client.

      After these sessions are done, I'm drained.  Usually.  Last night, I was more than fine.  I will apply a solution before the next session.  I will keep my peace of mind from now on.  I will tell you more later.

      Five steps were applied before and after battling the monster that showed up last night.  By 8:00 p.m.,  I was fine.   Life doesn't get better than overcoming weakness and fear that once paralyzed me.

     What I did before encountering tonight's battle helped.  I thrived this time while in the emo-tional storm.  I was strong, having the courage to handle the session.

     Last night, I pressed into the storm.  What I did afterwards also bolstered me.My head was cleared.  My outlook was brightened.

    After tonight's session,  I was loved.  I enjoyed humor.  I laugh-ed.  Was it needed. No, I did not go to a carnival.

      I was supported and given hope.  I met with friends at a res-taurant.  They met my needs for acceptance and celebrating life.  Never more needed than after an emotionally bruising encounter.
 
      I am happy.  Thrilled, even.  A frightening time was faced.  I rested in the tension.  I kept my joy. 

•   I deliberately felt the horrible feelings that emerg-ed.
• I embraced the negative reality.  Surfing difficult cir-cumstances makes my resiliency and equanimi-ty grow.
• I  took in the abuse. I rested in it. I was pressed.  My heart pounded rapidly when the screams started.  I noticed what I was feeling, not my thoughts.  Fleeing dis-comfort cheats me of characterological growth.
• I was comfortable with the confusion of my scat-tered mind.  That happened the client yelled at me.

      Because of the confrontation I anticipated, I took the following five steps:

1.  I reached out to a friend of more than 30 years, Stuart.  He listened.  He cared.  He scraped away the sticky feeling of dread. He used the putty knife of humor and practical insight.

     He set  me walking straight again.   Our close relationship I leaned on.

2.  I connected with my Balcony People.  In the morning.  They:
  a. Listened compassionately.
  b. Prayed for me.
  c. Bolstered me with encouragement.
  d. Laughed with me.  We looked at the humor of this time that normally terrified me.

3.  I was honest.  I did not present myself as being together. When I shared my concerns I mentioned my fear.  I was far from having any poise.  I enjoyed the freedom of being truly me, faults  vulnerabilities and all.

     I was accepted for my authentic self.  It is being controlling, ap-pearing more confident than we feel.  It is an inadequate coping method.  It does not help us overcome what troubles us.

     I have no desire to control..  I'd rather discover the outcome while working out issues with another than manipulate one.  Being transparent is better.  I am being me.  Being genuine is being comfortable, letting others know me.  My faults and all.

     What lets me relax when presenting the real me?  Having good friends that accept us. No matter what package we offer.  We can be who we are.

    They touch the secret place 
where I am really I.
To know the pain of lips that
plead and eyes that weep

    Who will not run away when
 they find me in the street,
Alone and lying mangled
 by my quota of defeats. 

                        James Kavanaugh,

Will You Be My Friend?

4.  Felt where I was triggered.  I was in touch with the areas where I was insecure. Then the best part happened.  I discovered the pearl---the needs beneath my agitation.  Learning what they were, with my supportive network, I took the fifth step...

5.  Expressed my needs for:
     a. Patience.  In the morning, while talking to a friend, he rushed me.  I could not keep up with his comments. My thinking was muddled because of the stress I felt.  I stopped him.  I asked him to slow down.

     I asked him to repeat his comments. I told him was not able to keep up with the pace of his thoughts, I was mentally weary.  This was taking care of me. 
     b. Prayer, receiving it, from many.
     c. Perspective.  I got it.  Just enough.  They were sensitive to my feeling frail.  My friends didn't preach. I value their sensitivity.
     d. Comfort from friends. As I wound down this evening from the intensity of emotions that had been tossed around like a loose bunch of wet clothes in the dryer.

      Life is calmer when it is filled with good company.  I am thankful for having emotionally mature friends.  Last night, they restored my sanity.  They were the source God used to surround my heart with love.

    With the help of my sup-portive network, I was pre-pared.  I was ready when facing a fear-inducing dragon last night.  I stood firm while confronting a person who once scrambled my thinking.  This situation has gone on for more than a year.  My Safe People were my breastplate.

      Wearing their support, I endured fearful feelings.  Bet-ter yet, I put the younger, fearful Pablo to bed.  I over-came a negativity that once overwhelmed me.  I stood up to unpleasantness.  I said no to abuse and insensitivity.

      Next week, I will not work with this person.  I do not get paid to be abused.  I will let this client know he will need to find someone else to help him. I no longer accept unacceptable behavior.  I am meet-ing my need for peace of mind.

      Standing for my dignity and emotional safety gives me a tremendous sense of tranquility.  I am already feeling an ease I lacked earlier yesterday and for nearly a year.

Not Crowding Myself Out of My Life: Living for Me 4/13/15

  

Gratitudes:
1.  A wonderful day, starting with a dental appointment at 8:00 a.m.  I took care of seven practical areas today, in addition to having five sessions.  I feel satisfied and happy.  Being effec-tive is deeply satisfying. 

2.  A workshop I will give, soon, in San Leandro. It's fun and thrilling being stretched profes-sionally. This is a delightful change in routine. I love the work involved, preparing for a seminar. 

3.  I'll cycle tomorrow, after it rains. It's a meditation of sorts that

State of the Innkeeper---He's Been Wiped Out 4/10/15

Gratitudes for Today:
1.  Rest,plenty of it. My mind has been strongly stressed, all week. An old wound rose up and bit me, depleting me, emotionally and physically.  I didn't realize how vulner-able I was to a

Resiliency: The First Three Things Needed, Revisited 4/9/15

      Resiliency. 

     What extraordinary spinach do we gobble, empowering us when tested?  What steps are taken that increase our confidence when tried, when the wolf of diffi-

Uncertain, Unsure, Unclear, But Moving Forward Towards Clarity .... 4/7/15

    I had company tonight.  After working all afternoon, after a three hour break---because I was worn out----we resumed tackling this intense project. Our labors took me beyond the time when I post here. An energy depleting day it was.  I am beat.  I did not take care of myself today, even with the break.

    Met with

The Gift of Easter............. 4/4/15

   

      Here it is, the day before Easter. I don't want to disap-point anyone, but this holi-day is not about  bunny rabbits, choc-olate candy, pastel Easter eggs or

Mercy and Grace Are Two Birds of a Different Feather

         I lost track this week that Sunday was the last time I wrote here, doing my innkeeper duties.  I have been crazily busy, more clients than ever, and the number is still increasing.  This