Resiliency: The First Three Things Needed, Revisited 4/9/15

      Resiliency. 

     What extraordinary spinach do we gobble, empowering us when tested?  What steps are taken that increase our confidence when tried, when the wolf of diffi-

culties reawakens childhood fears of rejection? How can we maintain perspective when fear of failure and being emotionally assaulted threatens our serenity and peace of mind?

Traits of Emotional Resiliency:

1.  Those who bounce back from trauma and negative circumstan-ces have boundaries and are clear about who they are. They do not allow others to define them or determine their moods.  They are not externally referented.
     They are not people pleasers.  They are consensus seekers, making sure that a "we" is left standing when relating with others, that everybody's needs are met. 

2.  Resilient people see the Big Picture. They under-stand that there is a difference between who they are and the cause of their present suffering. Bad things happen to good people because there are victimiz-ers, emotional vampires and narcissists out in the world.        They use the  slogan, Q-Tip: quit taking it personally.  Resilient individuals know how to pause when in the midst of a situational or relational storm. It allows them gain a level-headed perspective where they can use executive functioning.

        They know how to calm down the reactive mind, our limbic system.  They realize that when they are aware of what is happening in the moment, they are no longer lost in it.    

  Rich Buhler in his book, Beyond Pain and Pretending, talks about the Law of Eligibility. It states that "bad things happen to bad people." It is akin to the ancient Grecian view as espoused in its mythology. 

      The thinking is that if you do something wrong, you'll be zapped by Zeus, becoming a greasy smudge on the sidewalk, or turned into a pig.

      The good news: Rich Buhler informs us The Law of Eligibility is false!

3. Third characteristic of the emotionally resilient: stress might play a part in their story but it is not their identity. They are not what happens to them. They detach from their circumstances, not reacting, they respond. 
    Those who are emotionally steady while facing crisis work on their vulnerabilities. They strengthen these areas. Healthy alternatives serve as antidotes to depression, fear, resentment or anxiety.  
    They pray, meditate, talk about their circumstances with their

friends.
    They exercise and journal.
        Back in November 2013, I encountered a horrific experience.  It took place at an Al-Anon Family Group meeting.  It morphed into an abusive environment.
     Over more than four weeks, gossip, lies, lander, defamation, you name it, invaded what had been a sweet meeting.  It was out of control.  Someone brand-new to this program---but thought to be a good leader was asked to guide.

     A huge mistake. Being codependent, she made matters worse, placing her damaged, vulner-able personality above principles, contributing to more chaos. 

      Bad idea. 

      Al-Anon's supportive, caring spirit departed from this meeting that gathered in a cute cottage.  At the roots of the Alamedan hellish occurrence was envy.  The common wel-fare of those attending was not considered. 

     The unity of those attending was shattered by two in particular.  The basic principles of this fellowship were ignored.  The situation is akin to individuals reciting liturgies at church while not living by them. 

       I attended this meeting for more than six years.  My response to the tempest in this cottage was simple.  I appealed to the group, asking if Al-Anon's principles could be applied. 

       Egos were involved.  Judgment, divisive-ness and character assassination grew, making the meeting toxic.  The startled majority lacked courage to voice their discomfort and stand up to those abusing them.  

       One option remained.  Leave.  It is not our role to convince others or correct.  Taking care of ourselves is staying in the solution. 

           We want to bless those creating the discord and move on our merry way.  

      We can enjoy equanimity while tension transpires.  Resilient people remain focused on the good they see in themselves and in their lives.  They do not slide down the greasy chute of negative thinking. 

      The joys of life are still theirs. 

      Responding to the crisis back then was knowing the two individuals damaging the spirit of harmony at this meeting were not God's gift for those attending. The people God has for us will always have our back, not judge.  That wasn't the case there. 

      Resilient people do not accept unacceptable behavior. 

     Those who are a part of the community of resilient people are emotionally mature.  They are supportive, who abide by healthy principles. 

      Many attending that once-healthy meeting felt similarly.  Voting with their feet, they moved on, birthing a new meeting.  The focus is Al-Anon principles, its literature, and the absence of doing other people's inventory. 

     Mutual support, vulnerability are the hallmarks of the new group, along with emotional safety. Am I glad.

    And yes, I attend this meeting.