Being Gentle Towards Ourselves, Free from Negative Mental Chatter 7/8/19

      I am grateful for being gentle towards myself  when making mistakes.  I had a one yesterday. I sent an intense text mes-sage to the wrong person.  Oops!

      Patience towards

A Son's Comfort 6/28/19

     

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     Jim's emotions tossed around like a wind-blown kite stuck on a power line.

     Will, his Father-in-law died. Jim enjoyed closeness with him more than with his real dad for more than twenty years. Towards the end, weekly, the eighty-year-old man, propped up with pillows, in his king-sized bed, spent an hour and a half with Jim. Usually on Fridays.

     That took place, in the last two months. Before that, they'd play chess, and harmonicas together and go for rides in Jim's sports car or discuss theology.

     During this final season, the old man stayed put, not leaving his bed.  He waited for the sweet chariot.  Any hour, its arrival eagerly sought by Jim's substitute dad.

     It helped Jim's father-in-love remain mentally alert when they took turns reciting quotes.  In their work, they frequently spoke before crowds.  They often used quotations to enliven their public comments before others.

     In Will's bedroom, with no audience, the men drew from their mental library.

    "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do, but it gets you no-where." the old man said, eyes closed, laying flat on his bed, like a deflated balloon. 

     "I need to get out of that rocking chair," he added as an afterthought.

     " I need to get out of that rocking chair.'  Who is that quote from? I never heard it before," Jim teased. 

    "Are you worried about your health?"  asked the son-in-law.

     "Yes, soon I'm embarking on a new journey," said Will.

     "Recovery slaps the hands of anxiety.  It makes it lose the nasty grip nervousness has upon our soul.  Personal growth involves placing healthy principles above the vulner-able parts of our personality. 

     "When this happens, dread is banished,''  Jim replied, revealing his strong memory with this lengthy quote.
   

      He hoped this thought comforted this feeble man who fathered him, every week, for a score of years.

     "Success depends not merely in how well you do in the things you en-joy, but in how conscien-tiously you perform those duties that you don't.  John Maxwell, Developing the Leader Within You," the reclining man retorted.

        Still competitive, the old man revealed his strong memory, too, while changing the subject.

       "Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny,"  Jim replied. He winced with regret after saying that, hoping Will did not take the quote personally, that Jim saw him playing the victim role.

       "Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt," answered back Jim's substitute father.

       The old man did so with a gentle smile, not with his lips, but with his face.  His eyes were crinkled.

       Will held Jim's hand.  The visitor sat on the edge of the death bed, next to the father that was the additional prize Jim received when marrying this man's youngest daughter who had naturally blonde hair.  The hour-long visit sped by like the wisps of smoke fleeing when a candle is snuffed out.

       When Jim was around, the lingering emptiness now plaguing his worn-out father evaporated like a pool of water in a midafternoon desert.  A sigh of satisfaction from the old man let Jim know how much Will liked being with him.  It was like the old man won the lottery. 

      The younger man heard Wilbur's labored breathing as a pause of warm silence, lasting a couple of minutes, lingered between them.  It was a quiet moment only those comfortable with each other enjoyed.  And then Will punctured it.
 

      "Jim, please,"   he pleaded while gripping tightly his son-in-law's hand, with a strength he lost months ago, "I want you to give the eulogy when the time comes."

     Never did Jim expect how that worked out three weeks later.

    
 To be continued in an upcoming post. 

Slaying the Dragon of Fear............... 6/4/19

      Saturday was amazing.  It ended even better.

      Several friends and I gathered.  There was a cross-pollination.  Friends of mine who did not know one an-other met, enjoying each other's company.

       A male friend with a

The Feedback Formula.......... 5/25/19

      I want to share a helpful tool, one taught to clients, the Feedback  Formu-la.  When someone troubles us, it helps expressing our feel-ings and needs.   This formula lets others know our response if the problem persists.

       I learned this tool from Susan Campbell, author and psychologist.

She mentored me weekly for six  months, a few years ago.

     An overview of the formula: 

"When you do __X, (what-ever behavior)__, I feel _Y (state your emotions)_.  If you continue to do _X   (the behavior)_, I will do _Z_(the consequences)_." 

        It is all about the Zs, the consequences.

  A Specific Example: 

     Let's say someone bothers me by frequently interrupting.
     

 "I notice I am unable to finish my sentences when we talk."

        That's X, the behavior. 

       "When you do that, I am irritated, annoyed." 

        That's Y, the feelings.

        "If you continue to talk over me when we have a conversation...."

         That's X, the behavior mentioned once again in this formula.

         I finish my comment by saying,

          "We will need to put a bookmark in our conversation until it has the balance, fairness and reciprocity it deserves." 

         That's the Z in this formula, the consequences.
       

       There's no judgment, blame, shame, guilt or fear involved when using this approach.

        We are not using life alienating communication.  We are simply giving feedback, what is going on inside of us.  In this example, we reveal our response to the disturbing behavior---being interrupted.

        Also, just as vital, we express what we will do if the vexing behav-ior continues.

        As is the case with developing any skill, practice is essential.  Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.  Like learning a tune on a piano, doing regular practice produces progress.  We im-prove.

        It is critical to self-express.

       Like what they sing about in the Hokey Pokey, that is what the Feedback Formula is all about---saying what is alive, what is going within us.  When communicating transparently, we are authentic.  We are relating.

       This is the opposite of being controlling.

     The Feedback Formula Prevents Manipulation

      No one likes be-ing controlled, having outcomes manipulated. 

      We want to re-veal what happens within us when we encounter interac-tions that do not meet our needs. Some of these needs are emotional safety, closeness and appre-ciation.  In the exam-ple above, I address my need for fairness, respect, a balanced conversation.  I re-veal my  need to be heard, not cut off, when having a con-versation.

       This exercise reduces our frustrations.  We are saying what we want.  We are feeling what we want, when are needs are not being met.

       We are insisting on what we need.  In the example above, it is having a conversation that is balanced, where I can speak without the other person constantly interrupting.  When we reveal what is going on inside of us, to safe people, the relationship thrives.

       The Feedback Formula removes manipulation, managing out-comes.  It creates authenticity, critical for relationships to grow and mature.

     

      To not feel our emotions, or our wants is being controlling.  Think about that.  Usually, we avoid conflict, we comply.  We do not let others know what is alive within us.

       We believe we will create a stink if we stand up for what we believe.  We fear the anger or disapproval of others.

      Complying with others is not letting others know the real us that lives beneath the people-pleasing us.  With authenti-city, genuine bonding takes place.   Our relationships are satisfying.

      We want others to know us for who we genuinely are.  When that happens, bonding takes place at the highest level.  It is soul-satisfying.

     With true bond-ing, we encounter strength and grace.  Life is invigorating. We internalize these character qualities we don't have on our own.

       Healing happens.

        Using the Feedback For-mula life is more fulfilling, less frus-trating. We are living life on life's terms. We are un-caged from pleas-ing others at the expense of not being our true selves.

       The wings of our authentic self unfurl.

       Life is wonder-ful, we enjoy a presence of mind that honors our wants and feelings.  It allows us to soar to heights in rela-tionships we have never known before.

***********

   

      If you want to know other areas where we can experience personal growth---like today's example---let me know in your comments below.  Thanks!

A Tribute to a Special Woman, Revised, 2nd Edition............ 5/12/19

     Good evening, and Happy Mother's Day!

     A special thanks to all moms. Your work is unending.  Often your efforts are not appreci-ated.             

    Thank you for your role.  Your children are safe, and sane, be-

Life's Detour, And How..................... 5/8/19

    Bad news.

    I'm surprised. I'm not upset.  Maybe, that will happen later.

     It's been a lovely time for the past two months. Until now.  Years ago, I'd be
catastrophizing or depressed because of what happened Monday.

    That is not my response now.  I took my roadster to a major tire dealer. To have a tire replaced.

     When I got it back, the engine was destroyed.  Mysteries abound

Checking In With You ....................... 4/27/19

   Life is good, I have been relaxing, experiencing love from others and having great recent memories.

   I have a laptop once again, it was shipped to me last Thursday.  I des-troyed my last one by accident. I poured water on it. Fortu-

How Are You?

       Hello everyone, how are you?

       You haven't heard from me of late.  I've been resting.  Work drains much from me, physically, emotionally and mentally.

       I have been recharging.  Presently, I'm still wiped out, even though most wouldn't notice. I'm still friendly and pleasant when relating to others, genuinely smiling at all times.

       I am happy with life.  But I am worn out, fatigued.  Dealing with a

Me Again: A Thankful Innkeeper 1/12/19

      Hello everyone.  How are you?

      I will flesh out this post more, later.  First, I am spending time today, working on me.  For now, I'm making this a more robust year for this inn of positivity.

      I will submit more posts, like today, doing so soon, after submitting one recently.  The posts will arrive, even though work is ramping up.

     As the innkeeper, I am happy

Calmness During a Difficult Time--- Enjoying Life Despite Trying Circumstances.................... ..... 1/10/19

 

     I have a few minutes before seeing a client at 1:15 p.m.  What could be better than saying hello to you, visitors of this positive place in cyberspace.

     This is my first chance to welcome you into this new year.  Thank you, for keeping