Slaying the Dragon of Fear............... 6/4/19

      Saturday was amazing.  It ended even better.

      Several friends and I gathered.  There was a cross-pollination.  Friends of mine who did not know one an-other met, enjoying each other's company.

       A male friend with a
ponytail related to my son who has a buzz cut on the sides.  Smiles abounded.  The murmur of engaged conversations added loving warmth to the balloon and streamer festooned living room.

      We cooled ourselves with the ice cream that came along with the cake.  Luxuriating in the presence of the love filling the room was reflected in the warm, genuine smiles on everyone's face.

     Everybody relaxed into the embrace of the supportive, posi-tive community happening in my home.

      Constant smiles, joyful yelling, grin-ning, and excited glee filled the room when we played a game of Pit, later that night.

      Was I glad.  It was healing, comforting.  More about this in a mo-ment.

       We enjoyed heaven on earth.

      No tension surfaced.   All were equals.  No one dominated, peace and goodwill flourished, instead.
 

      Zero negativity.  As the evening closed, and guests headed home, there were pleas.

     "Can we do this again?"

     "I want to bring my hus-band, to play Pit."

     "This was fun.  I haven't heard poetry read in a group for years, it was terrific.  Let's do this again."

      "The game set loose, my inner child.  I'm happy she came out to play. It was nice, not being in my head."
 

     Then, at 11:00 p.m. most were gone.  Remaining were my son and a caring friend clean-ing the kitchen destroyed by the cyclone of refresh-ments, drinks, and tons of paper plates.

     For three-and-a-half hours my son and I talked.  Issues troubling me melted away as we discussed and processed them.  Thank God, for my son's support.

     Saturday night, seeds were planted.

     Seeds of kindness and compassion.  Kernels of celebratory joy and deep connection were tucked by my friends into ground violently hoed three days earlier.  Saturday's community of friends---without knowing it--- was a healing power, making deposits into the soil of a soul savagely tilled by trauma a few days earlier.

     Mine.

     Until that eve-ning, I hurt.  Demons of fear assaulted me while opening the front door, greeting arriving guests. These emotional monsters circled within, ripping pieces of my heart and the peace I normally know, while guests streamed in.

     "The loudest voice is not necessarily the truest,"  was called to mind. This truth grounds me during unsettling moments.

      "A feeling is just a feeling, it isn't a prophecy.  A positive outcome is just as likely as a negative one,"  I remembered.  Both of these principles are nuggets from Al-Anon Family Groups.

     Earlier that week I soldiered on.  Bad idea.  I was present, though, with myself, when alone, prompting me to reach out to friends.

"Two are better than one, they have a rich reward for their labor.  For if one falls, he has another to pick him up.  But woe to the man who is alone when he falls, for has not another to pick him up."    Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

     This truth prompted me to call Stuart, a friend of more than 20 years, and others that week.
   

     I felt my feelings.  No stuffing of them, here.  These negative feelings followed the most tumultuous, shattering, Wednes-day I experienced in more than ten years.
   
     On that midweek day, a hidden, deeply trauma-tizing adolescent scab ripped open.

     It produces a profound horrifying pain when it is torn apart.  An unleashed dragon of terror emerges from the scab when it is freshly opened.  Wednesday, I sweated for more than an hour-and-a-half, when this beast reappeared.

     Saturday, the dragons creating my psychic pain were slain by community: time spent with friends, and the most amaz-ing son a father could ever wish for.

     Climbing into bed, at 4:00 a.m., three companions--a smile, greater peace of mind, and the warmth of a terrific evening enjoyed with friends---were my bedfellows.  They kept company.  And I dozed off like I haven't in weeks. 

My Gratitudes for Today:
1.  For being deeply loved on Saturday.
2.  For being allowed to read my favorite poetry, during the gathering I had with friends.  I delight in sharing poetry.  I love enjoying commun-ity.  To have both was beyond bliss!
3.  For the seeds of kindness, caring, and joy deposited into my well-being from many on Saturday, for the love received.
4.  For recovery that makes it possible to celebrate with friends when I was in one of the worst moments in my life. My future was jeopardized.
5.  For tears.  I cried Sunday, a couple of times today, tears of joy, tears for additional support I received this day. I am deeply cared for.

      What a relief it is, feeling my emotions.  Because of recovery, I do not stuff them.

6.  I am supported in so many ways, I've lost count.  Am I lucky.
7.  For encouragement received throughout the week.
   a. One friend has stayed with me several times this week.  She did not have to do anything.  She was just there, present with me. That was more than enough.

 Related Post:
Tears of Healing