My Second Favorite Christmas Story 12/24/16

       If you missed the previous season-related tale, my third favorite, you can find it here.  
      I wrote the follow-ing in 2011.  You may not be familiar with it. 
      Wishing you a peaceful and happy Christmas,                         The Innkeeper

                         ***********************************
     Gather round the fireplace warming the inn.  You may be frazzled by the call of Madison Avenue.  QVC and the Home Shopping Network may be assaulting you with gifts options for loved ones.  Commercials from Radio

My Third Favorite Christmas Story 12/21/16

WWII photo of the Ardennes Forest

       Good evening, one and all. I hope life is treating you well. For many, this is a frantic, mater-ialistic season.       
             
         Needn't be so.  In the inn, we're having a countdown for the biggest day of this month.  For

What's Needed to Have Our Love Bank Filled....... 12/6/16

       You've been patient.

       So, here I am.  I know, I've been scarce.  I value your vi-sits.

       I am spinning many plates.  Haven't run much.   I was doing that routinely.  It's been on pause for two weeks.  I'll  run tomorrow, even if it rains.

      When under stress, it's important, taking care of our physical needs.

       It is wonderful, when we bask in the glow of receiving desperately

Taking Care Of Ourselves During a Crazy Season: The Advent of Christmas.............. ...................11/28/16

      Now is a good time to slow down.  I know this is the opposite of what we experience, while gearing up for Christmas.

       Many of us need to pro-cess the holidays.  This time of year involves interacting with others.  This includes encounter-ing disturbing people.  Or it may be seeing difficult relatives we don't usually come across any other time.

       When with them, there can

Today, The Biggest and Most Important Day at the Inn ..... 11/24/16

        Many suffer from worry, de-pression, frustra-tion, self-loathing.

         An Attitude of Gratitude counteracts these ills.  Cher-ishing our loved ones, counting our blessings are key to knowing happi-ness.

       Thank you for dropping by.  This is the biggest and most central day of this inn.  May

Comfortable With Discomfort..... 11/15/16

         So much going on.  But, I am check-ing in.  That's how much I miss connect-ing with you.

      My time has been tied up. This morn-ing I'm making time to visit.  The practi-cal side of me says I shouldn't.  Five cli-ents are on tap for

Expressing Our Voice, Revisited 11/7/16

         A marvelous week, this was. 

       Seeing myself getting stronger, characterologically, nurtures my optimism. Emotional dust storms happened this week when relating to oth-ers.  That's when the fun began,  not because I like drama. 

     Far from it. I'm an introspective, intuitive person.  I care for drama as much as only one likes cleaning out a litter box unattended for several days. 

     Relating to others allows us to grow.  Difficulties are opportunities for spiritual weight lifting.  They are occasions for exercising our personal strength. They are chances for us to express and apply our values when in the thick of sticky, uncomfortable moments. 
     

      Our personal development happens when we apply healthy principles---when connecting with hurtful, dominant, or manipulative individuals.  Each time we lay aside inadequate coping patterns like re-acting, freezing, or being passive, we grow emotionally stronger.   

     When we are resentful, get angry, or become passive, we demonstrate our weaker selves.  These unhappy character qualities lurk---daily---around every emotional corner if we do not have the presence recovery offers.  Recovery is the absence of mental chatter. 

     It is being in the here and now, experiencing "what is," listening to understand, not to reply.  Recovery allows us to be comfortable in our own skin. 

     Our emotional muscles strengthen when applying healthy principles when relating.  Life's path of the bumps and dips of conflict are made smooth when we use disciplined responses.  Read here, for more about that.

      Growth happens when connecting with emotionally mature others.  They are our Balcony People. See footnote.  With a healthy support network, challenges are seen for what they are: moments where we place principles above our vulnerable default modes.
     

     Difficult occasions can become monuments to our past pain or, by how we respond, they can reflect the healing and grace we experienced in our lives. 

         Sometimes life is a matter of taking it in fifteen-minute increments.  There are times when taking it one day at a time as recovery programs suggest is more than we can handle. Life is good when we are gentle with ourselves.

      Acknowledging the healthy steps we take---even if they are tiny, moves us towards progress, tranquility, and happiness.

"Perhaps I can let go of all con-demnation for this one day.  I will recognize that I am on a spiritual path of self-improvement.  Every tiny step I take on that path moves me closer to wholeness, health, and serenity."   Al-Anon Family Groups Inc., Courage to Change, 2nd Edit., Virginia Beach, 1992, 19. Print.

     As we get stronger, feeling better about our values, choices, dreams, and decisions, we're able to politely and firmly, disagree. We can process conflicts that once were dis-turbing.  For insight and skills that help when we encounter a difficult or frustrating situation, click here.

     For most of us, conflicts are few and far between.  Lately, it hasn't been so, for me.  During such times, the following is helpful:

After years of letting people take advantage of me, I had built up quite a store of anger, resentment, and guilt . …. So many times I wanted to bite off my tongue after say-ing,“yes, “ when I really wanted to say, “no.” Why did I continue to deny my own feelings just to  gain someone’s approval? ….

The answer became apparent:  What I lacked was courage. Was I willing to try to learn to say, “no,” when I meant no? Was I willing to accept that not everyone would be thrilled with this change? Was I willing to face the real me behind the people-pleasing image? Fed up with volunteering to be treated like a door mat, I squared my shoulders and answered, “Yes.”

..... Do I make a conscious choice about what I say? And when it is appropriate, do I say what I mean and mean what I say? If not, why not? All I have to offer anyone is my own experience of the truth.

‘There is a price that is too great to pay for peace…One cannot pay the price of self-respect.'                              Woodrow Wilson     Courage, 207

           Have a great and grateful day.  I know I will.  Remember, we are the average of the five people we hang out with.  We want to make sure they are emotionally mature, healthy, kind, and positive. We deserve relationships like that, we really do.

How About You?
       What spiritual weightlifting have you been doing?  Where are you placing principles above your personality?  I'd love hearing from you. Really. 

 Footnote: 

     What a gift it has been, seeing my supportive family expand, as time goes by.  Not only have I a flesh-and-blood family, but an expanded family due to others who are a part of my life. They are my Balcony People.

     These dear ones love and accept me unconditionally, they are in the grandstands of my life, cheering me on, as I run the marathon of life.  Best of all, they don't give me advice.  They may share their experience, strength and hope, when I ask.  More importantly they empathize and have compassion. They are simply available.

Image: Countryside: "Wintry Pastoral" by Tim Blessed.  All rights reserved, used by permission. 

Healing An Old Wound........ 10/13/16

       I turned around the corner.  There he was, standing near the eggs, in a grocery store.

      I hadn't heard from him in more than two years.  His jowls were baggier.

      His look was that of someone who had been sitting at the

The Three Step Process............... 9/29/16

    Crazy busy it has been.  It explains my absence.  Thank you, for dropping by. 

     Monday, I spoke with someone.  Dur-ing our visit I ques-tioned whether to continue talking with her.  She only wanted to hear herself talk.

       The conversation raised the hackles on my neck until I asserted myself.  A narcissist does not demonstrate the qualities of a Safe Person.  Relating with an unsafe individual leads to pain and injury. 

       I need that as much as I want a migraine headache.  I spoke on the phone, while doing dishes.  I mentioned adding seven clients in the last two weeks.
 
      I said I would run ten miles (62 km) that night, too hot doing that earlier.  The temperature had been in the 90's (32 C+).   Her response was, "I like the Needs and Feelings sheet you gave me.  It helps me relate with others."

      Being ignored irritates me.  She had not listen.  My judgment was her focus was solely about her. 

       As if this was okay with me.  It wasn't.  I am not codependent.  

      Reciprocity in relationships is required for healthy and authentic relationships.  Otherwise, forget it.  We get what we tolerate.  

     Relating with a selfish person is walking a mile with a pebble in our shoe--uncomfortable and easy to fix.  We re-medy the pain by removing the source of discomfort.  We detach from it. 

    The acronym for the word detach is Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her.  We train people how to treat us by our re-sponses.  We separate from selfish people.

      Such people have a hole in their soul.  No amount of attention heals this psychological wound.  I do not yield to insensitive emotional vam-pires who would suck all of my emotional capital if I don't stop them.

     She may have thought I'd accept insensitivity.   Perhaps because ninety-six percent of the population is passive because they are code-pendent.

      Such people let others poop on them, mistreat them.  I do not.  I am not codependent.  I let Barbara know.

An Example of the Three-Step Process

      "You mention the Need Sheet.  Ignoring what I said about my busy week, and my plan to run ten miles.  I imagine you aren't listening," I said.  "My story is you want the attention only on you.

       "In my body, I am angry.  I am irritated and annoyed.  I am sensing a frown form on my face.  My heart is shrinking as we talk.  What is your response, to what I've said?

      "Could you use the Three-Step Process in your response?"  I requested.  I mentor her.  She knew what I meant.  It is saying, "I imagine...., "I say to myself," and "In my body, I feel---" the format used in my response to her.

       Her reply, "I imagine you do not realize how you doing the dishes while talking to me bothers my ears."

       My God.

       I stopped her.  Again, her focus was all about her.  She had no inkling I was upset.  Who needs such a friend?

       I'll tell you who.  Those with no recovery.  People who suffer from the disease of passivity and those who have low self-esteem.  They'll suffer any attention.   Anything is better than none, they think.

"The full soul loathes the hon-eycomb. But to the hungry soul [the person with little or no recovery], every bitter thing is sweet. [Even abuse, negative attention. That is how desperate they are.] "                           Proverbs 27:7

       She did not understand the Three Step Process.  When we say, "I imagine..." we are empathizing with the other person.  This was not true for her.

       I said, "Again, you are not relating with me."  I stopped her.  The tone of my voice was calm.  But I was angry, irked.  She was not con-necting.  Her focus was all on her.

       My desire to be understood and enjoy companionship was not met. The third time was the charm---luckily---for her.  I was about to end the call.

    This time, she got it.

Second Example of the Three-Step Process

       "Pablo, when I ignored what you said about your week I imagine you were irritated by my insensitivity.   You probably thought I was selfish.   My story is that you are right," she said.

        "In my body, I feel a sadness. I realize I irritated you.  I feel your disappointment with me."

         Miracles still happen.

What I Experienced From My Response to Monday's Conversation:

1.  It feels absolutely fabulous, saying what I feel, not accepting unacceptable behavior. As a kid, I endured neglect, abuse. I had to tolerate it.

      I could not disagree.  Nor could I be angry, at home.  So, I developed the false belief there was no use in expressing what percolated within me.

      I would be punished---brutally---if I was outspoken.  This was especially true when relating with a dominating, angry person.

        May you have a terrific Thursday.   I know I will. 

Answered Prayer 9/9/16

Redwood Regional Park

      Last week, on Wednesday, I ran 14.2 miles (22.85 km).

       In the wooded mountains of a re-gional park located on the skyline of Oakland.  In that time, forty-three stories were climb-ed. Yes, forty-three.