The Three Step Process............... 9/29/16

    Crazy busy it has been.  It explains my absence.  Thank you, for dropping by. 

     Monday, I spoke with someone.  Dur-ing our visit I ques-tioned whether to continue talking with her.  She only wanted to hear herself talk.

       The conversation raised the hackles on my neck until I asserted myself.  A narcissist does not demonstrate the qualities of a Safe Person.  Relating with an unsafe individual leads to pain and injury. 

       I need that as much as I want a migraine headache.  I spoke on the phone, while doing dishes.  I mentioned adding seven clients in the last two weeks.
 
      I said I would run ten miles (62 km) that night, too hot doing that earlier.  The temperature had been in the 90's (32 C+).   Her response was, "I like the Needs and Feelings sheet you gave me.  It helps me relate with others."

      Being ignored irritates me.  She had not listen.  My judgment was her focus was solely about her. 

       As if this was okay with me.  It wasn't.  I am not codependent.  

      Reciprocity in relationships is required for healthy and authentic relationships.  Otherwise, forget it.  We get what we tolerate.  

     Relating with a selfish person is walking a mile with a pebble in our shoe--uncomfortable and easy to fix.  We re-medy the pain by removing the source of discomfort.  We detach from it. 

    The acronym for the word detach is Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her.  We train people how to treat us by our re-sponses.  We separate from selfish people.

      Such people have a hole in their soul.  No amount of attention heals this psychological wound.  I do not yield to insensitive emotional vam-pires who would suck all of my emotional capital if I don't stop them.

     She may have thought I'd accept insensitivity.   Perhaps because ninety-six percent of the population is passive because they are code-pendent.

      Such people let others poop on them, mistreat them.  I do not.  I am not codependent.  I let Barbara know.

An Example of the Three-Step Process

      "You mention the Need Sheet.  Ignoring what I said about my busy week, and my plan to run ten miles.  I imagine you aren't listening," I said.  "My story is you want the attention only on you.

       "In my body, I am angry.  I am irritated and annoyed.  I am sensing a frown form on my face.  My heart is shrinking as we talk.  What is your response, to what I've said?

      "Could you use the Three-Step Process in your response?"  I requested.  I mentor her.  She knew what I meant.  It is saying, "I imagine...., "I say to myself," and "In my body, I feel---" the format used in my response to her.

       Her reply, "I imagine you do not realize how you doing the dishes while talking to me bothers my ears."

       My God.

       I stopped her.  Again, her focus was all about her.  She had no inkling I was upset.  Who needs such a friend?

       I'll tell you who.  Those with no recovery.  People who suffer from the disease of passivity and those who have low self-esteem.  They'll suffer any attention.   Anything is better than none, they think.

"The full soul loathes the hon-eycomb. But to the hungry soul [the person with little or no recovery], every bitter thing is sweet. [Even abuse, negative attention. That is how desperate they are.] "                           Proverbs 27:7

       She did not understand the Three Step Process.  When we say, "I imagine..." we are empathizing with the other person.  This was not true for her.

       I said, "Again, you are not relating with me."  I stopped her.  The tone of my voice was calm.  But I was angry, irked.  She was not con-necting.  Her focus was all on her.

       My desire to be understood and enjoy companionship was not met. The third time was the charm---luckily---for her.  I was about to end the call.

    This time, she got it.

Second Example of the Three-Step Process

       "Pablo, when I ignored what you said about your week I imagine you were irritated by my insensitivity.   You probably thought I was selfish.   My story is that you are right," she said.

        "In my body, I feel a sadness. I realize I irritated you.  I feel your disappointment with me."

         Miracles still happen.

What I Experienced From My Response to Monday's Conversation:

1.  It feels absolutely fabulous, saying what I feel, not accepting unacceptable behavior. As a kid, I endured neglect, abuse. I had to tolerate it.

      I could not disagree.  Nor could I be angry, at home.  So, I developed the false belief there was no use in expressing what percolated within me.

      I would be punished---brutally---if I was outspoken.  This was especially true when relating with a dominating, angry person.

        May you have a terrific Thursday.   I know I will.