Thursday, September 29

The Three Step Process............... 9/29/16

    Crazy busy it has been.  It explains my absence.  Thank you, for dropping by

     Monday, I spoke with someone.  Dur-ing our visit I began questioning whether I wanted to continue talking with her.  It appeared she was using me as a audi-ence of one, only
wanting to hear herself talk.

       The conversation raised the hackles on my neck until I asserted myself.  A narcissist is not a Safe Person.  Relating with an unsafe individual leads to pain and injury.  I need that as much as I want to suffer from a migraine headache.

      We spoke On the phone, while I did dishes.  I mentioned my prac-tice had picked up, adding seven clients in two weeks.

      I said I was running ten miles (62 km) that night.  It was too hot doing that earlier.  The temperature had been in the 90's (32 C+).  She blithely said, "I like the Needs and Feelings sheet you give people.  It helps me relate with others."

     It was if I had not said anything.

     She had not heard me.  My judgment was that her focus was solely on her.  "Barbara" ignored what I said.  As if this was okay with me.

     It wasn't.

     I am not codependent.  Reciprocity in relationships is critical if they are to be healthy and authentic.  Otherwise, forget it.

     We get what we tolerate.  We train people how to treat us.  I will not suffer relating with selfish people.

      Such people have a hole in their soul.  No amount of atten-tion heals this psy-chological wound. I do not yield to insensitive emotional vampires who would suck all of my emotional capital if I don't stop them.

     She may have thought I'd accept insensitivity.   Perhaps because ninety-six percent of the population is passive because they are code-pendent.

      Such people let others poop on them, mistreat them.  I do not.  I am not codependent.  I let Barbara know.

      "You mention the Need Sheet.  Ignoring what I said about my busy week, and my plan to run ten miles.  I imagine you aren't listening," I said.  "My story is you want the attention only on you.

       "In my body, I am angry.  I am irritated and annoyed.  I am sensing a frown form on my face.  My heart is shrinking as we talk.  What is your response, to what I've said?

      "Could you to use the Three Step Process in your re-sponse? I requested.  I mentor her.  She knew what I meant.  It is saying, "I imagine...., "I say to myself," and "In my body, I feel---" the format used in my response to her.

       Her reply, "I imagine you do not realize how you doing the dishes while talking to me bothers my ears."

       My God.

       I stopped her.  Again, her focus was all about her.  She had no inkling I was bothered, upset. Who needs such a friend?

       I'll tell you who.  Those with no recovery.  People who suffer from the disease of passivity and those who have low self-esteem.  They'll suffer any attention.   Anything is better than none, they think.
"The full soul loathes the hon-eycomb. But to the hungry soul [the person with little or no recovery], every bitter thing is sweet. [Even abuse, negative attention. That is how desperate they are.] "                           Proverbs 27:7
       She did not understand the Three Step Process.  When we say, "I imagine..." we are empathizing with the other person.  This was not true for her.

       I said, "Again, you are not relating with me!"  I stopped her.  The tone of my voice was calm.  But I was angry, irked.  She was not con-necting with me.  Her focus was all on her.

       My desire to be understood and enjoy companionship was not met.  Most defi-nitely.  The third time was the charm---luck-ily---for her.  I was about to end the call.

    This time, she got it.

       "Pablo, when I ig-nored what you said about your week I imagine you were ir-ritated by my insensi-tivity.   You probably thought I was selfish.   My story is that you are right," she said.

        "In my body, I feel a sadness. I realize I irritated you.  I feel your disappointment with me."

         Miracles still happen.

What I Experienced From My Response to Monday's Conversation:

1.  It feels absolutely fabulous, saying what I feel, not accepting unacceptable behavior. As a kid, I endured neglect, abuse. I had to tolerate it.

      I could not disagree.  Nor could I be angry, at home.  So, I developed the false belief there was no use in expressing what percolated within me.

      I would be punished---brutally---if I was outspoken.  This was especially true when relating with a dominating, angry person.

        May you have a terrific Thursday.   I know I will. 

1 comment:

Thumper said...


I am so glad that you are setting the example for the rest of us on how to not be passive. Not accepting unacceptable behavior is a huge remedy for those of us who are going through life getting stepped on left and right. Then we wonder why we are so depressed and have no self worth. Thank you for once again sharing your strength, recovery and wisdom.

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.