My time has been tied up. This morn-ing I'm making time to visit. The practi-cal side of me says I shouldn't. Five cli-ents are on tap for
today. I have much to prepare.
And I need time alone. Contributing to this inn of thanks recharges me. Sessions usually deplete me. So, writing right now is some "me" time. My need to self-express and connect with others are met as I pen these words.
Adding to the demands on my inner resources is seeing more cli-ents than ever. Twice this weekend, someone knocked at my door. They pleaded for my services. People I didn't even know.
Didn't rest over the weekend. I needed plenty. Late Saturday and all day Sunday I had a migraine headache.
At work and in my private life. I am also busy sharing new ex-ercises with clients. What I am doing with them is healing their emotional, mental and spiritual wounds, as well as reducing the tension most of them hold within.
*********
Let me tell you what is going on with me.
Friday, I had a horrific phone call. With someone I have known a long time. I avoid her. She's controlling, quick to judge, disrespectful, and insensitive.
Other than that, she's okay. I'm joking. It's good having a sense of humor.
Other than that, she's okay. I'm joking. It's good having a sense of humor.
I called her. Hadn't in more than three years. She was happy hear-ing from me. I, on the other hand, from the start, already had my heels firmly dug in the sand of caution.
Was that wise.
I was thinking of visiting her for her birthday. This was against my principles. But I made the effort because of a son of mine. Connection, stability, and tradition are important to him. He values continuity.
So do I. However, this case conflicts with my placing principles above personalities. This is a key rule if we want recovery. What is recovery? It is being sensitive towards others while still maintaining our values.
Recovery is overcoming the negative effects of childhood. It is realizing we can go back and offer hope to our wounded past. We can let our present selves drive the bus of our lives, not the wounded inner child that suffered shame, blame, fear, and judgment.
Back to whom I will call Barbara.......
I called her. She was happy. I was leary. We talked about control. Someone I called before her hung up on me because I saw things dif-ferently than him.
The First Danger Sign During the Conversation
She said the fellow wasn't controlling. Emotionally, I took two steps back. One step was for her minimizing what I said. I can't think of any other action that is more likely to prevent intimacy between two people.
The second backward step was a result of her not listening to un-derstand. She was listening to respond. Which meant she was formu-lating her answer and not present when I spoke. I imagine it is a control issue of hers.
It is hard connecting with another when there is a lack presence between the two.
According to Barbara, the man who hung up on me was being himself. I voiced a different perspective. I told her he was trying to manipulate the outcome of our conversation.
He tried forcing me to see things his way. I didn't. So he hung up.
The Second Danger Sign
Barbara said, "Well isn't that what everyone does?? Don't we want to manipulate outcomes?"
Another step back, pru-dently, I took----mentally. I safe-guarded my emotional safety.
I replied, "Many do be-cause ninety-six percent of the world is codependent. I'm not. So, I don't manipulate people.
"I discover the outcome, when relating. When we man-ipulate, we operate from fear. It creates distance and distrust in those we try to control. When we are controlling, we attempt to direct the conversation the way we want it to go.
"When are controlling, we are not present. Nor are we authentic. Instead," I continued, "I relate. We can be this way when we are confi-dent. We know we can surf whatever situation we face. We don't need to guide the outcome.
"Relating creates intimacy and trust."
Barbara's response: "I'm not your client."
Was that wise.
I was thinking of visiting her for her birthday. This was against my principles. But I made the effort because of a son of mine. Connection, stability, and tradition are important to him. He values continuity.
So do I. However, this case conflicts with my placing principles above personalities. This is a key rule if we want recovery. What is recovery? It is being sensitive towards others while still maintaining our values.
Recovery is overcoming the negative effects of childhood. It is realizing we can go back and offer hope to our wounded past. We can let our present selves drive the bus of our lives, not the wounded inner child that suffered shame, blame, fear, and judgment.
Back to whom I will call Barbara.......
I called her. She was happy. I was leary. We talked about control. Someone I called before her hung up on me because I saw things dif-ferently than him.
The First Danger Sign During the Conversation
She said the fellow wasn't controlling. Emotionally, I took two steps back. One step was for her minimizing what I said. I can't think of any other action that is more likely to prevent intimacy between two people.
The second backward step was a result of her not listening to un-derstand. She was listening to respond. Which meant she was formu-lating her answer and not present when I spoke. I imagine it is a control issue of hers.
It is hard connecting with another when there is a lack presence between the two.
According to Barbara, the man who hung up on me was being himself. I voiced a different perspective. I told her he was trying to manipulate the outcome of our conversation.
He tried forcing me to see things his way. I didn't. So he hung up.
 |
| The prudent person sees a danger and with- draws. The simple continue and suffer for it. Proverbs 27:12. If you can't read this epi- taph, this twelve-year-old girl fell off a cliff. |
Barbara said, "Well isn't that what everyone does?? Don't we want to manipulate outcomes?"
Another step back, pru-dently, I took----mentally. I safe-guarded my emotional safety.
I replied, "Many do be-cause ninety-six percent of the world is codependent. I'm not. So, I don't manipulate people.
"I discover the outcome, when relating. When we man-ipulate, we operate from fear. It creates distance and distrust in those we try to control. When we are controlling, we attempt to direct the conversation the way we want it to go.
"When are controlling, we are not present. Nor are we authentic. Instead," I continued, "I relate. We can be this way when we are confi-dent. We know we can surf whatever situation we face. We don't need to guide the outcome.
"Relating creates intimacy and trust."
Barbara's response: "I'm not your client."
The Third Warning Sign
Several times Barbara interrupted me. This is a classic form of con-trol. After the third time, I said, "I have a need for fairness. Just as I let you finish your sentences would it be possible for me to finish mine?"
"I have to get off," she replied, hanging up. This was the second time this happened today. Boy, am I popular.
This response was after us not talking for more than three years. This was her reaction after her initial excitedly happy response when I said I was planning on visiting her, celebrating her birthday---bringing cake, gift, and family.
It would have been the first time seeing each other in eight years. Oh yeah, she is one of my sisters.
And that was that. I was the worse for emotional wear, however. Despite twelve years and seven months of recovery.
My heart rate was 105, when I checked my Fitbit Blaze immedi-ately after our conversation. Normally it is 65 beats per minute. The blustery winds of our conversation blew me close to the precipice of anger and despair.
I am thankful I stepped back several times while we spoke. Some-things never change. My time with my sister reminded me we don't go to Home Depot to look for a loaf of bread.
I know her well. Expecting this sibling to be pleasant and present was as likely as expecting a dog to meow.
Despite the verbal jousting and increased heart rate, I remain happy. Recovery is not letting others define us. Nor do we let people or family members determine our moods.
It is living a life of centeredness---abiding by our dearly held val-ues. It is not surrendering them because we feel obligated to please angry people or those who differ with us.
Recovery is not pleasing unpleasant people; it is not accepting unacceptable behavior. This especially true with those who try to overpower us.
Despite the disturbing nature of the telephone visit, I maintained integrity with my values. I kept my dignity. I stood in my power. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude.
"I have to get off," she replied, hanging up. This was the second time this happened today. Boy, am I popular.
This response was after us not talking for more than three years. This was her reaction after her initial excitedly happy response when I said I was planning on visiting her, celebrating her birthday---bringing cake, gift, and family.
It would have been the first time seeing each other in eight years. Oh yeah, she is one of my sisters.
And that was that. I was the worse for emotional wear, however. Despite twelve years and seven months of recovery.
My heart rate was 105, when I checked my Fitbit Blaze immedi-ately after our conversation. Normally it is 65 beats per minute. The blustery winds of our conversation blew me close to the precipice of anger and despair.
I am thankful I stepped back several times while we spoke. Some-things never change. My time with my sister reminded me we don't go to Home Depot to look for a loaf of bread.
I know her well. Expecting this sibling to be pleasant and present was as likely as expecting a dog to meow.
Despite the verbal jousting and increased heart rate, I remain happy. Recovery is not letting others define us. Nor do we let people or family members determine our moods.
It is living a life of centeredness---abiding by our dearly held val-ues. It is not surrendering them because we feel obligated to please angry people or those who differ with us.
Recovery is not pleasing unpleasant people; it is not accepting unacceptable behavior. This especially true with those who try to overpower us.
Despite the disturbing nature of the telephone visit, I maintained integrity with my values. I kept my dignity. I stood in my power. And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude.
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