Great Morning, More Business and a Terrific View (On one occasion, surprisingly romantic.)

      Hi, everyone.

This is your innkeeper reporting to you from his semi office---Abigail Cafe (No apostrophe s), named for the owner's daughter. I've taken over this place.  This is 25 miles from my office. I use it to see clients that live up this way, in the island city of Alameda. I met with two clients this morning.

     I'm luxuriating in the view. The prime table---is mine. It overlooks the bay and the SF Peninsula. Earlier, while studying, after my appointments, I observed lovers along the shore, locked in an embrace, kissing. I've viewed dogs taking their owners for walks

Character Discernment, Spiritual Weightlifting Part IV: Principles That Help Us With Any Relationship ...................6/25/11

Ladies, calm down. No, 
this isn't a picture of me.

     In a recent post (See here.) I wrote:

"As we grow in our relational skills, we see difficulties as opportun-ities. They allow us to do spiritual weight lifting.  We exercise the inner strength gotten by applying healthy principles when relating with others.

     We can do this even with those who are dangerous and hurtful. What a deal!"

         Just a second, before going further.   

         This week I disagreed in a blog.   The individual took it personally.   Untasteful descriptions of my character were tossed at me.   This person's friends chimed in, adding more invectives.  
         
          My, my.   I don't take anything personally.  I experienced cyber bullying.  The response was seen for what it was.   A lack of  maturity. 

        Progress doesn't occur when attacks are used.  This illus-trated an ad homi-nem argument.  Like what you see to your left. 

       Most people, when confronted aggressively, back-pedal. They are off guard.  It's, prefer-red--more effective--staying present---on topic.  

      A person is abusive towards us.   That's not the time to reason things out.  Waiting for when they are not emotionally intoxicated makes more sense. 

      Life happens.

      In light of the principles listed below, we can keep perspective, when attacked.   We do not drink the venom offered.  
   

    It's hard for an angry per-son to engage us in an emo-tional tug-of-war, if we let go of the rope.  I did that.  The angry response of others lets me understand their values and worldview.  

       We do not have to agree. 

       Sure, it is disappointing, being judged, misunderstood.  This happens in a conflict.  It is tempting to label the other person wrong.  Frequently this is their default mode towards us.

       Or one party is seen as stupid, an idiot, a twit.  That happened this week, to you know who.  But we don't allow others to define who we am or determine our moods,  

       We want to stand in our power, maintaining integrity with our values.  It's sad when people see different viewpoints as rubbish, tossing in profanities in the mix.  

       Unfortunately, this reaction  can surface when differences arise.  Critical responses needn't be our go-to response.  It is helpful remem-bering we can say our "no" as gently as our yes.

         It is  sad, tragic, when personal attacks are used to win arguments instead of discussing the issues.

"When we realize that we can  have differing viewpoints without either of us being wrong, we can all fit in together. just as we are."  Courage to Change, p. 140

      Unfortunately, this perspective is not common.  It requires hard work.  It happens when we place healthy principles above  negative default modes created when we were children. 

       We can be grateful for healthy principles. They allow discernment of who is safe and isn't.  The following comes from Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, of the Boundaries series book fame.  

        It's subtitle is: How to Have Healthy Relationships and Avoid Those That Aren't.  Their book, Boundaries, written in 1995 has sold over 5 million copies.   They've written numerous fine books.

      To see practical, brief, clinical video presentations on the subjects of Relationships, Goals and Success, Emotional Struggles, Leadership, Dating, Spiritual Life, Parenting and Marriage, by these psychologists, click here.   You'll be glad you did. 

       In the authors' words,

"Unsafe people have personal traits that make them extreme-ly dangerous to other people."  

Below, these authors go into detail.  

 Helpful Principles to Keep in Mind 

1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
2. Unsafe people think they "have it all together " instead of admit-ting weakness. 
3. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.
4. Unsafe people apologize instead of changing their be-havior.

      For each of the points stated above, the authors go into detail, in their book.  I'm skimming the general principles.  The authors discuss many other points as well, in depth.  

The following points are from page 34 in Safe People:
5. Unsafe people avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with                them.

    Unsafe people in this regard:

   a. Do not admit that they have problems, or they think they can solve the               problems, by themselves.
   b. Do not submit their life and will to God. In fact, call others "holier than                thou," when others suggest including their Higher Power, when dealing              with challenges.
   c. Do not confess when they've wronged someone.
   d. Do not forgive people who've hurt them.  They care more about the issue than they do about the relationship. (Safe People care more about the rela-tionship than they do about the issue.)

e.  Avoid facing relationship problems directly.  (I've ended relationships because of this factor---if a person I'm relating with is unwilling to discuss the issue, there's little hope for the friendship.)
   f. Do not hunger and thirst for righteousness.  In fact, they often mock those who do, minimizing the need for doing so.
   g. Treat others with a lack of empathy.
   h. Are not open to confrontation from others.
   i.  Are not in the process of learning and growing.
   j.  Blame other people for their problems, not seeing their part. [I often,                  when dealing with an issue between myself and another ask:  "Can you               tell me your contribution, so that I won't feel like I'm the only person to             blame?]
   k.  Do not want to share their problems with others, that they may grow.

       After  going into detail about this list, the psychologists Cloud and Townsend state: 

"People who are uninvolved in character growth can be unsafe, because they are shut off from awareness of their own problems and God's resources to transform those problems. Instead, they act out of their unconscious hurts, [our default modes] and hurting others."

      Having our perspective informed by these principles allows us to be grateful.  They provide greater clarity, mindfulness with relating.  These principles are a guide that lets us know who we want to connect with.  

       We are also aware of those we want to avoid.

       Instead of reacting, it is best responding.  When we do, its a good idea remain courteous towards those with whom we differ.  "The greatest form of wisdom is kindness." 

       We can say our no as gently as our yes.  This is detaching with kindness.  We can value those with whom we disagree.  detaching with love, not amputation.   

        Using assertive honesty strengthens relationships.  It is being honest while showing respect at the same time.  It is not using the hatchet of cruel words, judgments, criticism, assumptions or jumping to conclusions. 

        Detaching prevents us from responding emotionally.  Reacting is giving in to our default modes, if we aren't careful.  

        Relating healthily, when in a conflict can happen.  It occurs when we apply healthy principles above the negative default modes of our personality.  We replace being passive, timid, aggressive, abusive or being frozen in the headlights---- with feeling what we feel and want, then saying what we feel and want to those who trouble us. 

       This is being present and authentic.  It allows for bonding and genuine intimacy.  We are true to our boundaries. 
      

      Our standards define us.  They let others know what we accept and what we won't.   They let those we relate with know who we are---the package they get when relating with us. 

      With assertive, affirming honesty everyone is honored.  We are true to ourselves while respecting differences we have with others.  Our relationships will grow with a depth and kindness like we never dreamed possible. 

       Wishing you a great and grateful day,
                     The Innkeeper
       
How About You? 
1. What have you found helpful, when dealing with conflict?  
2. How do you respond towards others who are being unkind? 
3. What are signs that let you know that a person is not safe to relate with?  
      I look forward to your comments. Here's to growing communication within this inn of hope, encouragement and recovery,

 Other Related Posts: 

1. "Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm."   To read that entry, please click here. 
2. "Dealing with Emotionally Charged Conversations"   You can read that here.

Questions from the Innkeeper. I'd love hearing your answers. ..........6/24/11

      Hi everyone, how are you?

I'm enjoying the delightful California weather, over here, in the Bay Area. It's 68 degrees, with a slight breeze. Tonight, Stuart, a friend of mine and my middle son and I will get together with some other friends. It will be a terrific cap to an amazingly good week.

      For those who may not have noticed, I've added another feature to this inn. You might want to check out the About the Author portion of this blog if you want to know more about me.

Opportunities for Spiritual Weight Lifting Part III Expressing Our Voice 6/23/11

        Good afternoon!

Welcome to all who drop by this inn of thanksgiving. Don't you like the pictures on the walls?  They are the work of the Englishman, Tim Blessed, a gifted photographer. Sprucing up this place in cyberspace is fun.

     A marvelous week, this was.  Seeing myself getting stronger, characterologically, nurtures my optimism. Emotional dust storms happened this week, when relating with others. That's when the fun began.  I'm  not saying this because I like drama.  Far from it.

     As we grow in our relationships with others, difficulties become opportunities for spiritual weight lifting.  We learn how to exercise strength----applying healthy principles---even with those who are hurtful.  What a deal!

Readers Having Difficulties Posting: Any Suggestions?

    Good evening, everyone,
How was your day? I wrote a long post and lost it. My computer continues to act up. In the middle of typing it just goes blank.  It's done so, four times, so far, with this post. It's an opportunity
for me to practice patience. Several of you, have sent me e-mails stating that you've tried posting here, multiple times and your posts don't go through. Does anyone have any ideas why this happens?

A Father's Day Report from the Innkeeper ........................6/21/11

Palomares Canyon Road

      Good evening,
Hello, to the visitors from Malaysia. You've been a loyal, consistent visitors. Thank you, for dropping by. May I ask you to share a comment, sometime? It would be great hearing from you! I've had a tremendous weekend. Monday and Tuesday were terrific, too. I've some catching up to do, with the visitors to this inn.

     Sunday and Monday were spent celebrating Father's Day with my three sons. On Sunday, we went to a restaurant they've been going to since they were knee-high to a St. Bernard dog. Dinner and ice cream was had. Afterwards, we meandered

Feeling Good (And Escaping Codependency)

      Did this glass get your attention?  Good.  This post may not go where you think. Today, I am happy.  I helped a needed cause.  The proceeds of Saturday's garage sale supports a resource that helps adult children of alcoholics.  It's a meeting where attendees learn coping skills----how to thrive while living----or having lived----with a manipulative, and perhaps abusive,

Connecting With My Community

Yummm!  I had this today. Tom Yum soup. Have you had it? It's Thai.

My gratitudes for Sunday:

1. Saturday's weather was glorious, even though I got burnt  around the neck, while involved with a garage sale.
2. I had fun connecting with those in my community. People dropped by yesterday's garage sale and checked out the treasure splayed out upon the lawn, driveway and sidewalk. As bad as the news media talks about what man does towards others, I found those that dropped by yesterday to be kind, loving,

Enjoying Community With Perfect (But Delightful), Strangers

        Good evening,

A busy, but fantastic day. The weather was in the mid-seventies, with a slight breeze. Spoke with a bleach blonde-haired woman from Nassau County in Long Island today. She emphasized she was from the South Shore. She marveled about the weather we have here, in the Bay Area.

       She commented about the lovely temperature, how our weather cools down at night. She's out this way, visiting her son who now lives here. I told her I've never have known what it's like for it to be hot at night.

Random Thoughts and Bon Mots from the Innkeeper ..............6/17

           How was you week?

Did you fret, or find freedom from frustration? Here I am, arriving at my usual time. In 8 hours and 10 minutes I'll be helping with a garage sale some friends are having tomorrow. They need a strong back, so I'll be there to help. Three hours later, I'll have coffee with a friend.  The weekend is here.  Ya ay!

My gratitudes for this week:

1. I'm thankful for taking time developing skills that help me with the work I do. I met with an editor