Peace: Mental, Emotional and Physical 9/29/13

       Good evening everyone,

Here I am, again---this time refreshed---as not only this day, but this month is facing the witching hour, it is about to change

A Surprising Evening and A Special Day for A Special Person 9/28/13

Gratitudes for Saturday: 

1.  Had a session with a new client today.  It was intense, but intensely good.  He spoke for 65 minutes without stopping. That was

What Were Your High and Low Points for The Past Week? 9/27/13

    Good evening,

We've finally arrived at the weekend.  As most of you know,  one of our customs here, at the inn, is

Effort, Necessary For Growth, Not Mental Stimulation. Also, Spending Time With Eeyore ...................9/25/13

The Fremont hills. I climbed these as a youth.
 I grew up in this area, in the Niles enclave. 

A Busy Day

      How are you?

Thank you, for stopping by.  Four hundred and thirty of you dropped by today, with more than a thousand views.  Am I tuckered out with innkeeper duties, putting all those little chocolates on each of your pillows.

    How has your week been?  Mine has been good, thank you.

  *****************************

“It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.

"So it is."

"And freezing."

"Is it?"

"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, 

"we haven't had an earthquake lately.”      ― A.A. Milne
*****************************

Busy With Eeyore

      I spent time with Eeyore late this evening.  Or so it seemed.  "Bob" justified dwelling upon the

Hearing God's Voice 9/24/13

"I call my sheep, they hear my voice and follow me."  John 10:27

       At 3:00 p.m., I heard God's voice.  Such occasions remind me there's more to life than what meets the eye, or should I say, ear.  Last Wednesday, in the midst of a maddening day, I was

Spiritual Weightlifting 9/23/13

 This is a view of the Fremont hills, where I grew up, so did my sons.    I

 lived right where the rainbow ends.  I'm not kidding, in the town of Niles.

       I know I've been gone for awhile.  Sorry.  I'm back.  It's been crazy, since speaking at a peace forum in Berkeley.  I have new clients, now.  I've been

Responding, Not Reacting, Part II, Revisited 9/18/13

        Hi everyone,

I just got in.  Seeing friends kept me out of the house this evening.  Lately, I've been quite the socialite. Sleeping in, tomorrow is on tap.  My body needs rest.

Responding, Not Reacting to Emotionally Charged Conversations

       When I'm engaged in a difference with someone, I know my wisdom is limited. I don't know what's right in every given situation.  During these times, I've grateful for the acronym: THINK.  When immersed in a difficult conversation with another, I ask, "are my comments and behavior Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind?"

       In the heat of an emotionally charged conversation, it easy to

Balance, Rest and Self-Expressed 9/14/13

"Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that
cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are."   Arthur Golden
Image: "Buckinghamshire: Linford Lakes" by Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. 

       Good evening,

Yes, I've been away from the inn.  Although, additions to the previous post could have been made into separate post.  You might want to check it out.  I reworked it, adding reflections about my time with professors, attorneys, mediators and others contributing to peace who spoke from their

Reason Alone Does Not Provide Peace, We Need Passion. Too. Also, Dealing With a Controlling Person. 9/9/13 (363)

        Good evening, everyone.

Thank you, for dropping by.  As I type away, I'm exhausted.  Today is the heaviest workday.  On top of that, yesterday, I was a panelist at a Peace Forum in Berkeley, California.

       Afterwards, a workshop on "Overcoming Aggression with Compassion: A Spiritual and Psychological Approach," I gave.  I was asked to speak on this subject, not of my choosing.  I labored hard, work I love doing.

       Do we ever need peace, now, stirring within the nation where I live, there's talk about a military strike against Syria.  This sobering specter hung over the crowd attending the event, working it's way into the comments aired by panelists and speakers.

      When teaching, giving a workshop or publicly speaking, I give my all.  I love these occasions. It is my element, where I thrive.  After the workshop I was drained, but in a good way.  I also have a new batch of clients.  Those attending enjoyed my passion and the subject taught.

       Happier, still, those who participated were given skills that will help them enjoy life more fully, exercising greater control over their circumstances and emotions.  The entire workshop was video taped.  We'll see about getting it cut into pieces so that we can upload it to YouTube.  Cross your fingers on this possibility. I'm inept in this area. Someone else is seeing what he can do.

       Today---Monday---before starting work, during it and afterwards, I was bone-weary.  Again, my all was given while spending time with clients.  After posting this, the innkeeper will be sawing logs while you check out this post.  A great idea.

My Gratitudes While Deliriously Tired: 
1.  I'm thankful I'm making my life count.
2.  I am grateful for several, including Carl, Grazyna and David, who were supportive yesterday, at the Peace Forum.
3.  I maintained balance today. After work, I spent time with me, decompressing.  Constantly being on the go is a form of abuse.
4.  Later this month, my son and I will trek to Yosemite, cycling within the valley, bonding, as we inhale God's presence.
5.  I appreciate the value of discipline, putting one foot in front of the other. Last week was an example of doing that.

6.  I'm thankful for the enthusiasm and passion I have for life as well as knowing a peace that transcends my circumstances.

7.  After speaking, I was invited to work with establishing communities of peace in Oakland, Ca. I'll have to see.  I don't want my life to be overwhelmed with activity.  I need time for me.
8.  I met with a new client today and will see another Wednesday.  I love what I do and am humbled that my profession allows me to serve others.
9. I'm delighting in correspondence with a terrific person, someone I've met here. What a gift it is, connecting in a positive way.

Using The Head Alone
It Solves Nothing

         Yesterday, being a panelist harkened back to days as a college student.  Many spoke, expounding from the head.  Too bad.  What a shame.

The very essence of life is the war between emotion and intellect, between life and death. When life becomes too intellectual - when it begins to ignore the passions, the emotions - it becomes sterile, silly, and actually without substance. Isaac Bashevis Singer

         Such was the case yesterday.  I heard form without substance, encountered leaves without roots.  The abstract words uttered may have stimulated thinking.  The comments, however, were devoid of practicality.  Lacking was a call for action, and connecting with emotions.

          When discussing life-changing issues, the need for attaining peace, I can't conceive of talking flatly, monotonously.  Many panelists did.  Finally, it was my turn.  First, the parade.

          Facing the audience, I endured a recitation of my credentials.  I spoke, followed by participating in a panel discussion.  Afterwards, was the workshop I gave on compassion.

          When beckoned to speak, instead of  remaining in the chair that faced the audience, I strode to the pulpit in the stained-glassed chapel of the Pacific School of Religion.  Seizing the microphone, I said "Good afternoon."  The motionless body before me mumbled a faint "Good afternoon."

          Into the ocean of faces I peered.  I said, "Let's try that again."  Raising my voice, I asserted, "GOOD AFTERNOON!"  This time, their reply was a robust: "GOOD AFTERNOON!!" as their necks reached out towards the pulpit like giraffes stretching to tear off a leaf three quarters up a tree.

          I plied those before me with the question, "Today is a great afternoon for peace, isn't it??"  They resounded with a loud "Yes!!"  Pushing on, I queried, "We need peace now, more than ever, don't we??" Again, the hearty response was "YES!"  I continued, bantering them with more questions.  Their antiphonal replies roused emotions---theirs and mine.  No longer were they removed from what was happening, passive observers.  They and I had become we.

           A keynote speaker earlier had posed the thought, "How can we have compassion for others?" Standing before the audience, I answered this question. "We can have compassion for others when we first have compassion towards ourselves."
              ............

            I paused, deliberately, staring at them, comfortable with the first silence of more than five seconds---in that room---all day.  Several sat on the edge of their seats, all in the auditorium were quiet, many with raised eyebrows.  Sometimes the most important thing expressed is what is not said.

           The faces of my colleagues, who would give their respective workshops, were puzzled, some, wore startled expressions as they looked at me.  My comments were personal, not intellectual.  Instead of focusing on what others should do, I said peace (and compassion) starts with us, with what we do----how we treat ourselves.

  "'Let It Begin With Me,' " I continued.  "We cannot give to others what we have not received ourselves.  We----as Gandhi said----need to be the change we want to see in the world.  The answer to today's question is contained within the nutshell of this slogan.

         "Peace is not achieved by words, nor the result of sharing thoughts.  Tranquility, emotional safety and harmony are qualities that must be modeled.  We demonstrate our inward peace---or our lack of it----not by our words, but with every breath we take, with our smiles, how we look at others, even in the way we carry shoulders and walk.

           "Others will be drawn to peace and compassion by attraction, not promotion."

            Having said my piece, I sat down.  During the panel discussion that immediately followed,  I was the only one singled out by name, by members of the audience.

"One life showing the way is better than ten tongues trying to explain." 

*********

The Tell-Tale Sign of Control

        Someone persistently wanted me to take action related to Facebook, of all things, sending me multiple requests to followup.   Bad move.  Facebook means nothing to me.  It is not my cup of tea or Mexican hot chocolate.

         I was not interested. I sent him an e-mail, asking him to stop. When we repeat an issue more than once, we are being controlling.  I was happy the person ceased and I had the presence of mind to stand for my need for ease and tranquility. I value my autonomy, independence and having my own voice, expressing it when I want to.

         No is a complete sentence.
         We train people how to treat us.
         We get what we tolerate.

      Good night, everyone, I'm bushed.  Wishing you a great and grateful day.

                A happy but tired innkeeper

Winning the Grand Prix: Standing Against Criticism, 9/6/13 (321)

 Having Our Voice

     You know how it feels to be helpless, right?   I bet you've seen someone at-tacked. You feared being assaulted---physically, verbally, or emotionally---if you intervened.  You were hesitant to rally on the victim's behalf.

     That's understandable.

      But we missed the opportunity of win-ning the Grand Prix.  Two years ago, I wrote in a newspaper, responding to an onslaught of criticism towards a writer I enjoy reading, Lowell Cohn.  He's a sportswriter who has scribed for more than thirty years.  In the Press Democrat, I wrote it's best saying what we want.  This becomes better than complaining about what we don't have.  Here's an excerpt:

It amazes me how quickly we judge a person if that individual doesn't do what we want. We blame.   Fre-quently, we consider those different than us as bad. We assault their charac-ter.  In this case, many have vented their anger due to Lowell not covering regional subjects that the readers wanted accounted for.

It’s better staying in the solution.  Complaining about what troubles us only makes the things both-ering us loom larger and more disturbing.  I grew up in San Jose, near Campbell; I've been a life-long Bay Area resident, living in the counties of Santa Clara, San Mateo, Contra Costa, and Alameda. 

 It’s better if we could appreciate the uniqueness offered by each part of the San Francisco Bay Area, rather than denigrating one region, because we live in another.  Contentment doesn't require much.  The following gives perspective as to what contributes towards having greater joy:

'All happy people are grateful. Ungrateful people cannot be happy. We tend to think that being unhappy leads people to complain, but it is truer to say that complaining leads people to becoming unhappy.'

I don’t ask anyone to agree with me. Take what you like and leave the rest.

*************************************

Making an Impact

       After submitting this response, in the Press Dem-ocrat, which covers the Santa Rosa area, the com-plaints stopped. There were over 20 printed complaints from erstwhile fans of his before adding my two cents.

       I'm thankful for taking a stand in a world that consid-ers it sophisticated to whine, complain, be sarcastic, or cynical. As David Foster Wallace said:

Irony and negativity can critique but it can’t nourish or redeem.

Being An Adult: Disagreeing, Agreeably 
   

     I'm grateful for having a differ-ent opinion than the critical tide that had Lowell Cohn awash in negativity.  I'm happier, still, that I had characterological strength. I voiced values different from the crush of readers pounding away at him.

     I stood in my power. This demonstrates a critical part of being an adult. We can disagree; we can say our no as gently as our yes.

An Important Key
   
      Using non-violent communication (NVC, for more about this, please click here),  I expressed my observations and feelings about what I saw.  I mentioned the needs that came up and finally stated my request without using the five forms of life-alienating communi-cation: blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judgment. 

The Grand Prix
        

        So what is the Grand Prix?  It's standing in our power, recovery, and integrity. Behav-ing this way, we enjoy a wonderful life, because of these steps.  

       We exercise our power when differing with a bully. It's not letting someone badger us.  It is not tolerating someone putting us in a one-down position.  

       We put such people on notice that we are to be treated with re-spect. We stand for our values.  It is doing this when it would be easier to be steamrolled over because we fear anger or rejection by the intim-idating person.

       Winning the Grand Prix also involves standing in our recovery.  What does this mean?  Many have no idea of twelve-step programs.

        Recovery is hav-ing the fissures and vulnerabilities in our lives healed.  It is be-coming whole.  We become the whole person we dream of becoming.  It's  hav-ing characterological growth.

        As adults, we can still grow.  And no, I'm not referring to our stomach or the nether regions behind us.  It is fulfilling, finding ourselves getting stronger, more confident enjoy greater happiness.

       Recovery is overcoming passivity.  It is exhilarating to face fear, and move beyond it.  It is terrific using steps that help us overcome terrors that once dominated us.  

This person fell off his bike.  His friend is removing
the road rocks imbedded in his leg--the road rash.

     We learn how to have our voice.  We no longer surrender our principles because we fear rejection or the anger of another.

     This is recovery. 

     Lastly, winning the trophy of emotional ease, tranquility and dignity----the Grand Prix----is maintaining our integrity. We say what we mean.  Our no is said as gently as our yes.  

      We stand for ourselves without standing against our fellows.

       

       It's feeling the enormity of our feelings, and being true to them.  We do this without being overwhelmed by them.  We do not yield them to dom-inating or belittling people.

       Winning the Grand Prix is ours, daily.  Yes, daily.  Imagine how great that would feel.

        This trophy of success occurs when we place healthy principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality.   It knows how to handle personalities that want to snuff out our joy.  Or our dignity.  When we stand in our Power, Recovery and Integrity, we enjoy an eXcellent life.

        We win the Grand PRIX.

How About You? 
What is an area where you want to win the Grand Prix? 

Stabilizing Principles For Stressful Times 9/5/13

       The following are principles that stayed fixed in my mind, while I was made like a bullfighter on

Boundary Practice: Dodging a Raging Bull..................... 9/4/13

"For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty
 seconds of peace of mind."      Ralph Waldo Emerson. 

 "When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? What-ever it is, it's a good indica-tion of what you are made of.   H. Jackson Brown 

        Saturday evening, I dodged a raging bull.

       I did this calmly.  I even had presence of mind.  I came across this angry person while registering for the event at the front door.
  
      I hadn't seen her for two years.  "Why," she asked, "did you stop attending the meeting on Tuesday nights?"  I let her in on my reason.  

       Two and a half hours later, after the event was over, this woman stood behind a friend I was speaking to, giving intense eye contact.

        When I finished the conversation, this woman, coiffed in a Mohawk hairdo tried---several times---to intimidate.  She wanted to scold.  My was that interesting.

        She found fault with what I said when I bumped into her, earlier.

        The katas provided through years of training in nonviolent com-munication helped me maintain my equanimity.  I responded, without reacting.  I let her know I disagreed. 

        She was apoplectic, when I told her, "I never gave you permission to judge me.  I want you to stop.   We only do our own inventory."  This she knows.  

        She's attended Al-Anon Family Groups for two years and three months.  

        She had been working this program with a sponsor, my recent former girlfriend.   I continued, "You do not do my inventory.  This is not how we do things in Al-Anon."  That is, a rundown of what was wrong with me. 

        She wanted to correct me because of my comment earlier that night.  She did not like my answer when I told her why I no longer attended the meeting on Tuesday nights.   

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."     Ambrose Bierce 

        Her eyes tried piercing my serenity.  She exasperatingly and loudly  blurted, "I'm only expressing my feelings!!"  She declared this in the midst of Saturday's event, bustling with people.  The majority of them have suffered because of their relationship with bombastic people, mainly alcoholics.

          People with her personality.

         Ah, that was a misstep.  She said this to someone who knew emotional and verbal aikido.

         My friends chatted a foot and a half away.  Behind her, they stood.  They faced one another in a circle, chatting away, sharing their reaction to the inspiring speakers featured on this night. 

         Little did they know about the drama unfolding three feet away.  I gently smiled at my accuser. Her behavior had no impact on me.  

         I faced them, feeling calm, even while encountering a raging bull.  "What would Christ, or the Dalai Lama do, in a similar occasion?" my thought.

        Back to the drama on Dowling Street, in San Leandro........

        "Please, express your feelings. That is not what you are do-ing now.  You are judging. 

        You're making a statement about my behavior.  That is not expressing emotions."  She could not reply, being dumbfounded.  Her mouth agape, the smoke emitting from her ears stopped. 

        "I'm not in agreement with you," I continued. "I do not like your parental tone.  We are equals. 

       "I can listen to you when we both speak like adults, not you acting like an angry parent, speaking to a naughty child.  I'm not that and won't tolerate it."

         We get what we tolerate.  Every adult has a right to dis-agree.  Only little children not making sense are prohibited from disagreeing with adults. 

         I added, "Thank you for sharing. What you've said allows me to know your values and your worldview.  This conversation is over." 

         She huffily replied, "Thank you for letting me share." 

         "You're welcome," I replied. 

          And that was that.  

            I was none the worse for emotional wear.  I took two and a half steps forward, rejoining my circle of friends with a smile.  They had no clue that enduring a tempest with an angry person just took place. 

      Some principles fixed in my mind while making like a bullfighter that night: 

 Our feelings, whether good or bad, are our property. They fall within our boundaries.  Our feelings are our responsibility.

 

Others' feelings are theirs. If other people feel sad, it is their sadness. This does not mean that they do not need someone else to be with them in their sadness and to empathize with them.  

 

It does mean the person who is feeling sad [or angry] must take responsibility for that feeling. Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992) 123

Also,

If we feel responsible for others people's dis-pleasure, we are being controlled by others, not by God [or our principles]. This is a basic bound-ary disturbance..... If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil.  

 

If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse..... If your parents do not like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means you are growing up.                                                               Changes, 123

       We don't want to put another person's anger in control of our lives.  Heavens, that's codependency , something most people do, unfortunately.  

Gratitudes We Can Have: 

1.  Emotional matur-ity feels like spending the day at Disneyland with old friends.  It takes place when we replace vulnerable, deficient areas in our souls with healthier principles.

     In Saturday's case, one stabilizing princi-ple was that we are equal with every other adult on this planet. When this anger-filled person tried chiding me, I took her behavior for what it was: unacceptable.  I deserve greater respect than that, regardless of her percep-tions. 

     We don't want to accept blame, shame, guilt, fear or judgment when rela-ting with others.  They are forms of life-alienating communication. 

2.  We don't accept unacceptable behavior.  Others do not define us nor determine our moods. 

3.  We can be trained like Navy Seal.  A different type, however.  When the bullets of accusations, rage, or condescension fly our way, we can know what to do.  The danger is noted.

     As it approaches, we deflect it.  We do not allow the tempest coming our way to disturb our peace of mind. At the same time, we have no desire to hurt the angry person.  

     When the bullets of personal attacks appear, we respond, using recovery principles to shield us.  We don't react.

   

      Every time we practice boundaries, we get strong-er.  It becomes easier to do.  At first, we may be a bit clumsy.  We may not know how to assert ourselves.

     This weekend that wasn't a problem.  I am well-prac-ticed. 

      Assertiveness is like learning a new tune on a musical instrument.  It's awkward, at first. With practice, it gets easier. We get smoother.

       Eventually, we have finger memory.  We don't even have to think while performing. 

      Same holds true for saying our no as gently as our yes.  (Courage to Change,  Virginia Beach, Al-Anon Family Groups Headquarters, 1992, p 104.)  This is also true when we do not allow pleasing others to be our default mode.  It is in our best mental and emotional interest to consider our feelings, needs, and behavior, when we are in a relational drama.  (Courage, p. 359.)

      That's being internally referented. 

4.  We can have peace of mind.  This increasingly becomes a part of our lives when we do not base our self-worth on what we do.  Nor does it consist of what others think of us. 

5. "When the ap-plause of others is the reason for my behavior and ne-cessary for me to feel good about myself,  then I have given them power over me." Courage to Change, p. 9.

     We don't need approval to vali-date ourselves. 

6.  When an angry person confronts us, we can say what we mean, mean what we say,  but not say it meanly.  It feels satisfying when we know what to say when confronted. 

7.  We help ourselves when we surround ourselves with good friends.  We want to focus on them.  From them, we know love and know we are lovable.

     Being grounded this way strengthens us.  It replaces codependency and places steel in our soul.  It helps us to not be as shaken by unruly others.

      If others have a bad day, as in Saturday's case, when this woman confront-ed me, we don't take it personally.  Their negative behavior reflects their char-acter, not ours.

8.  I appreciate this truth: 

"Acting like a victim is a    choice, not a destiny."                   Hope for Today, p 189

9.  Rejoice, our character can continue to grow.  That happens when we stay in the solution.  When unpleasant people are upset with us, we want to remember the quote by Henry Cloud.  We are stand-ing up to abuse.

 10.  We want to have compassion for people like the woman who confronted me on Saturday.  They allow us to practice bound-aries.  They give us a stronger appreciation for friends.

        Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health.  If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse to themselves.

How About You? 

 What have you learned over the past year that helps you keep your poise when relating to an angry person?

Related Post:
Relating with Emotional Vampres

"Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" Create Healthy Relationships 9/3/13 356

“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.”  Lionel Hampton.  Image: 

Cumbria: Great Gable by Tim Blessed.  Copyrighted, all rights reserved.  Used by his kind permission.

        We want friends who readily accept us.  

        We thrive when we have relationships that make us feel better. After spending time with them, we are revived.  We have these type of connections when using boundaries.  We want to keep relationships that are good for us. We avoid those that aren't.  

        Boundaries strengthen us. They filter out the unacceptable when relating. 

"Must Haves" and "Can't Stands"

        One source of boundaries is living by our list of "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands."  They winnow relationships.  Applying this list creates good friends. 

         We do not connect with those who drain us.  

         Whether it be joy, energy or hope.  The following list is a garland of garlic to wear around our neck.  It keeps emotional vampires away.  There is more information here, about Draculas who try invading our lives. 

       What does your list of "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" look like? If we aim at nothing, that's exactly what we get.  How will you know if someone violates your boundaries if you don't know what they are?

        Some "Must Haves" that make friendships healthy: 

    1. Mutuality and equality. 

    Relationships need to be a two-way street.  If it isn't, that's a deal breaker.  Reciprocity has to be there.  I avoid relationships where I am an audience of one, where the other person only talks about himself.  I have to struggle to get a word in. 
    2. It is good having reciprocity with the vulnerability shared.  If we put ourselves "out there," they do, too.  To bond, it's important knowing their thoughts, needs and feelings, too. 
         
       One sign of intimacy: talking about what troubles us.  If we can't do that, the intimacy in that relationship is nonexistent. Sex without vulnerability in the relationship is not intimacy.  It is mutual exploitation. 

  3. When relating with people, I hang out with those who stay in the solution.  We'll mention the problem once.  After that, we'll talk about what we can do to counteract the troubling issue. 

       I need relationships that energize me, not enervate me. Complaining doesn't provide growth.  It only makes the problem loom larger and more disturbing.  I relate with those who know what they want.  They take healthy steps towards the life they envision. 

  "We get what we tolerate."

      Every time we use healthy principles to tackle challenges, we create a better today.  We look at our options.  We consider what we need to do to achieve and maintain serenity.  It's hard having strong character if we are morose. 

        I relate with those who are optimistic.  I cannot connect with those who have a defeated spirit.  I befriend those who are goal oriented. Those who sur-render to the demon of depression I avoid. 

4. I do not relate with emotional vampires. They are also known as narcissists, grumps or are con-stantly "poor me" victims. 

      Yes, it's fine, feeling negative feelings.  Grieving is important.  But, we must move beyond our consternation.  We want to take healthy steps that propel us toward our vision.  

      This is acceptance with recovery.  We are gracious.  Towards ourselves.  As we move forward, we apply positive alternatives. 

      We develop more choices when we bond with God.  This is also true when we derive support from our community of good friends.  They are our Balcony People. Which leads me to........

 5. I relate with people who value community, not those who isolate.

      Do you want the most out of life?  

      It happens when living in community with vibrant others.  We don't heal in isolation.  When left to ourselves, we usually perseverate.  We become OCD in our thinking. We stay in our head.  Unfortuanately, when we do that we are not living. 

      When I think, I am distancing myself from an experience.  When I feel, I am the experience. 

       We need emotional and psychological distance when confronting a challenge. It helps improve perspective. Discerning friends offer that.

       I have them.  However, growing a community takes time.  Mine is the result of cultiva-ting  relationships for years.  Good friendships require time and grace and discernment and commitment.  Excellent friends are the result of careful tending. 

      One gripe of mine, in cyber communities, Facebook in particular, we cheapen the word "friend."  Mine would die for me.  Would those on our Facebook list do that?

      No, they wouldn't and shouldn't.  What are termed as such,  don't have that depth of love, committment and mutual vulnerability. 

       According to this quote on the left, if we want in-depth friend-ships, we need to be one. We model what we want from our compan-ions. 

How About You? 
What are some "must haves" and "can't stands" that you want to apply in your life?