Compassion: Focusing on Our Loved One's Feelings and Needs 4/10/11

"If we want to be compassionate we must be conscious of the words we use. We Must both speak and listen from the heart." 

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When we keep the spotlight on the other person's feelings and needs, we support their personal growth. Their motivations will come from a desire to connect rather than to please others, being rewarded or avoid criticism.  

We also support others in evaluating for themselves how well they are meeting their needs, rather than encouraging that they look to others for their evaluation. 

Celebrating successes is an opportunity to connect with another. Instead of offering an evaluation such as "Great Job" or "You're smart," empathize with the feelings and needs that are met for the person you're relating with: "Are you glad because you solved the problem?"        

                     Marshall B. Rosenberg

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      Let me know what you think about this quote.  I agree with Rosenberg's focus on getting away from judgment, even when it's positive, like praise.  
      What ways do you have in encouraging others?  Do you like it when someone says, "Good job," to you? Is it just me being finicky? But when someone says that to me, often I feel as if they've put themselves in a one up position with me, something that I don't like, nor asked them to do. 
      Thank you for dropping by.  May God bless you during what could be a busy week, if we lose our focus.
      The guy from the Left Coast,

A Spiritual Awakening, Part I. Appreciating Life's Gifts, Staying in the Moment, Not Distracted by Fear, Sadness or Resentment 4/10/11

"The glory of Christianity is to conquer by forgiveness." William
Blake. "Forgiveness is freedom. Tony Dailo.   "To forgive is
 God-like, & one of the greatest uses of free will."  Anonymous
"Forgiveness is man's deepest need and highest achievement."
 Horace Bushnell    "The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is
 the attribute of the strong."  Mahatma Gandhi. "Unforgiveness is
 the burning of the bridge we must cross ourselves." Tim Blessed
   "Forgiveness is the price of Happiness."  M. Pilbeam

   It's easy, letting the briars of life distract us.  It is during these times we want to select the burrs of good-ness embedded in whatever blanket life tosses our way.

     It is easy, losing touch with the joys each day offers.  May the following passage awaken our desire to celebrate life more than we already do.

     It offers nuggets of riches.  This is true in spite of the bleak pro-nouncements of the news.  Here's the excerpt:

  Life has many treasures if I'm willing to accept them, but none can do more for me than learning really to live in the pre-sent.  That means being more aware of myself and of small happy things that often dramatize themselves into importance as I observe them with enjoyment. [For more about what it's like, being in this state, please read here.] 

        No matter how grim the situation may be that troubles my waking thoughts,  there are shining nuggets of pleasantness all around me to distract my mind from its cares. But I must be on the lookout for them  so they will not be lost to me!  

        Aldous Huxley said it this way: 'For every man, the world is as fresh as it was the first day, and as full of untold novelties for him who has the eyes to see them.'  This is a constructive and rewarding way of achieving the detachment necessary from the urgent but unimportant demands of life. 

"God make me receptive and aware; restore to me my ca-pacity for wonder.

       

     The upcoming week pro-vides many opportunities to celebrate life.  Yes, it does.  During whatever season, we do ourselves a favor when making time to delight in life's beauty. 

         In the winter, it may be nature draped with snow or the rare sun-ny moment.  We can behold the austere loveliness of barren winter trees. 

          In spring, there are many wonders: the crack of a baseball mak-ing contact with a bat or playing cricket.  We can take in birdsongs or visually inhale the blooming of flowers.  
       

       It can be the buzz of lawnmowers sprucing up neighbor-hood yards.  A breathtaking mo-ment can be the roar of a rain-swollen river accompanying a hike in nature.  

        Fall offers de-lightful moments: sitting in a warm living room,  curled up with a good book.  It can be the cool, crisp air while out on a country walk.  Kind deeds nurture, any time of the year, whether we perform or receive them. 

         Being aware of these moments is staying present, increasing our joy. 

         Looking for the many mini-vacations the day provides is celebrating life, savoring its richness.  

         Today, appreciate lovely clouds.  Luxuriate in the purr of a cat.  Delight in the zen-like day-dreaminess that pop up during "mindless" moments.  

         These are the small gifts life provides.  They happen while giving detailed attention to the frosting a cake.  Or while pulling weeds, sewing, nailing a board or doing dishes.

         Inhale these moments.  We are inhaling life riches when we do.  The process of living is fulfilling in itself.  Frequently it is more rewarding than any task performed.  

        What does it cost?  Perhaps five minutes.  Sometimes these beautiful moments are briefer than that.  They are tiny vacations available throughout the day.  

        The value of gratitude is that it nurtures our souls, increasing our capacity for wonder.  

         We allow songs of thanks to reverberate within our hearts.  We're seizing gifts God offers each day.  We're are cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude.

 

        Please share how you capture wonder.  I love hearing your gratitudes.  Doing so meets the vision of this inn. 

 Image: "Cumbria: Mountain River"  by Tim Blessed © all rights reserved, used by permission

Nonviolent Communication: Best Way to Get Needs Met. A Tale of Two Approaches ...................4/8/11

    One Approach to Conflict
 Not Advised:

      Last night was interesting, almost entertaining. I cer-tainly didn't need to watch TV to witness drama.  I attended a business meeting for a non-profit organiz-ation.  Initially, the meeting went pretty well.  Attending sessions like these I've done for more than twenty years.  We covered the agenda items. 

      A budget issue was brought up; one person suggested setting aside money for an upcoming expense that will require more money than is normally spent.  Fair enough.  Before the vote, there was discussion about the motion.  

        This is where it got exciting.  The only thing missing was the popcorn and the seats with cup holders for drinks. We tabled the issue until we could get information about the projected expenses, a reasonable conclusion. 

         It's amazing what reason can do, or so I thought.  One member became agitated, the conversation turned for the worse.  This person, the one who had made the recommendation, stood up, raising his voice.  It was “ridiculous” that we didn’t take action, right then, we were emphatically informed.   Others disagreed. The issue didn't need addressing until October.

         I mindlessly reached for the bag of popcorn, but it wasn't there.  Darn.  But, I was glued to the unfolding theatrics. The chairman bolted from the room, insulted.  The distraught person continued lecturing, the veins in his forehead standing out, his body shaking. 

         Wow, this was pretty good.  I didn't even have to pay to view this performance. Two committee members listened to the tirade, their bodies turned away from this angry guy.  A third member faced the agitated individual, a defensive smile screwed onto her face, but uttered nothing.  

   

         Me?  I took it all in.  I didn't dare go to the bathroom, seeing the conclusion of this stage show was a must. 

         I don’t argue with a drunk person.  This agitated person was emotionally intoxicated.  Knowing that allowed me to relax, not taking his actions personally. 

        The climax came when he stated this situation was like his family.  When he was a kid, he was never listened to.  Yep, he actually said that.

        Striding to the door, he yelled his resignation. It would be a long time before he ever came back.  I waited for the credits to show and the curtain to close.  Instead, the meeting ended in stunned silence. 

A Better Approach to Conflict: 

Nonviolent Communication

        Blame, shame, fear, guilt and judgment don’t help, when making a point. They are forms of life alienating communication.  Every one of these negative techniques were used this evening.  These techniques are a form of violence: emotional coercion

        It’s best expressing the needs beneath our feelings.  Followed up with a request for meeting them.  In tonight's case, his need may have been effectiveness or being heard.  We listened; we simply disagreed. These are principles from nonviolent communication, you can read more about it here and here. 

My Gratitudes: 

1.  I’m glad for seeing the humor in last night's event.     

2.  I didn't pay an admission price other than the slight annoyance of hearing someone rant.  The ineffectiveness of using anger to make a point was vividly displayed. 

3.  No longer get triggered---agitated---during times of conflict adds greatly to my serenity and equanimity. What a relief it is, staying present, responding and not reacting.  

Take Two
Using A Healthier Approach To Conflict

       Yesterday, I took steps towards improving a relationship with a client, addressing uncomfortable issues.  Being patronized doesn't work for me.  My concerns were mentioned, my need for dignity in our interactions.  My point was made without making an enemy. 

       The outcome was positive.  The concerns were heard; this person will change how he relates with me.  

      Speaking respectfully, while disagreeing is one form of spiritual weightlifting.  It requires effort and can be awkward, especially in the heat of an emotionally charged moment.  It's easier to fight, I know. 

      But the consequences of conflict are usually dire: tension, resentment and anger.  I've learned that the more I do relational weightlifting, using nonviolent communication, the stronger I get, like any other habit.  The best part is that it gets easier with practice.  This is placing principles above personalities, including mine. 

      I'm happy that---during emotional times, like last night----when we replace default reactions with healthier responses, characterological growth occurs.  We are eradicating unhelpful, established patterns----yelling, blaming shaming, etc., that contribute to discord.  I'm thankful that, by responding instead of reacting, healthy dialogue possible.  "Let it begin with me."

      We may not be able to control our circumstances, but we do have control over our responses.  Harmony is no longer contingent upon others or external circumstances, but where I choose to focus.  This realization provides plenty of gratitude.

      Today, while relating with a difficult client, harmony prevailed.  That's not guaranteed. Thankfully, the other person heard my concerns.  Am I’m glad.  Our relationship is improving.  I'll take victories where peace reigns, anytime.

How About You? 
What do you do when you need to address a need of yours? I'd love hearing your response.

Related Post: 
Expressing Feelings, Part II

Expressing Myself: Creating an Opportunity .....4/7/11

Image: "Ooh!" By Tim Blessed. Copyrighted photo. All rights reserved, used by permission. (I'm a lucky guy!)

     Hi everyone,

The weather is on the cool side today----55 degrees. I just got in from work.  Soon, I'll meet with some friends, at 8:00 p.m., Left Coast time. As most of you know, I ask the visitors to this inn to please share at least three gratitudes. For those who are new to this site, I ask you to share only one gratitude.

My Gratitudes for Today:

1.  The work I do is deeply satisfying  Someone recently needed help in her interactions with her estranged husband----it was satisfying seeing the light going on in another, them seeing healthy alternative actions that allow them to address their needs.

2.  Another woman I worked with was besides herself because she was the victim of gossip among friends.  I explained to her that when we need the applause of others to feel good about ourselves, we're giving them power over us. We have value simply because we breathe the breath of humanity.We learn to say our truth and leave the results up to God.

3.  We don't need to accept unacceptable behavior.  We can share what troubles us and do so with kindness and courtesy. We say what we mean, mean what we say but we don't say it meanly.It's important taking the time to decipher our needs, feelings, values and behavior.

Being With Friends, Speaking the Truth, Gently

It's Less Frustrating, When We Do

      I luxuriated in a relaxing time with a friend last night, at a cafe, for a few hours.  It was nice unwinding after a busy day, spent with many people. Days like that put me on sensory overload. I was grateful for the opportunity to decompress.

"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway."

~ Jerome Cummings

       I'm thankful that, when I was visiting with this person I took care of myself. This other person spoke for 10 minutes. I couldn't get a word in. 

     I said, "I need to interrupt you.  I'd like to say something." Then I did. I never did this as a child or young adult; I wasn't allowed to. I'm happier, having a voice, and expressing it. It's entirely different way of relating from how it was when I was young. By the way, the other person didn't mind.


  I like the saying:

"If you feel like a doormat, you need to  get up off the floor." 

4. I'm thankful for respecting myself and my needs while still being polite and courteous when with this friend.  

5. Yesterday,  I received a pleasant surprise in the mail. I got a letter and photo from a friend.

   With the opportunities we have at isolating, be it using iPhones----texting, messaging, or searching the web-----with hours that can slip by, exploring the Internet, or other ways that prompt us to tune out the world, whether it be living in a cocoon of music---iPods inserted in our ears,  or by  watching TV or streamed-to-our-home movies from Netflix, or playing video games, it’s encouraging when we connect with others, through personal visits or old fashioned, using-a-stamp mail. 


     Believe it or not, I use fountain pens. Imagine that.  I find there's value in having a 20 second vacation in the midst of my day, as I take the time to write a word in Uncial, Italic, or Gothic script, just to make that word leap from the page as I write that memo or fax cover sheet.

      I look forward to hearing your gratitudes. Please let me know your response to this post, even if you read it months later. I learn from your insights. I love it when you post your gratitudes!

Questions from the Innkeeper .......................4/7/11

  Good evening everyone,

A moment ago I got in. Tonight was terrific. I shared with others about what we can do to grow in those areas where we struggle.  You know, areas like anger, resentment, isolation, depression.  Other than that, I didn't cover much ground. Crazily busy was this day, but good. I had in-depth meaningful conversations with people I never knew until I met them today.

    Okay, I have questions for my friends.  What, you weren't expecting this? You should know by now, I enjoy mixing things up. I hope to hear from those I address and those of you who know me from SSS and drop by as Silent Readers.

     Here I go:

In general:

Any SSSer's like to say hello? I'd love receiving a comment from you.  Many are dropping by. Could you leave a housewarming gift for this inn, by posting a quick comment?

In specific:

Alan, are you there? I hope you're enjoying your trip. Congrats on your anniversary!
CindyR, are you there? How's your precious newborn grandchild doing? Have you been able to stay true to your SSS meal plan?
Coop, how you be? How's your business going? How is your daughter doing, the bride of 12 months?
Daisy Duke, how is your volunteer work going, what is the biggest surprise you've received as a result of you spending time there. A belated happy birthday to you and your hubby.
Dexter, I enjoyed our delightful and surprising conversation. What subject would you like me to cover in this place? Happy Birthday to you!
Kira,  I'd love to know how the  gulf is doing since the big spill.in your neck of  the woods.
Odie, what has been your high point for this week? Thanks for your enlightening comments on Monday.
PCF, what do you think? Let's arrange a time to have lunch. You've my prayers.
Paul, Scooter,  How is the business going? You've my prayers. Will you ever have any direct contact with John Maxwell? I interviewed with him back in 1997, for a position overseeing small groups.
Phyllis, what was the biggest surprise you experienced this week? Are you enjoying continued success with achieving your goals? How can I support your efforts? You probably know I responded to your comments in the comments section of the post.
Rendy, are you lurking around this inn? I'd love to hear from you. Congratulations with your daughter graduating from college, soon. Has she decided where she wants to go for grad school?
Thag, would it be possible for you to share a turning point in your life? Thanks for the mail. It was great! I could learn a lot from you that would help me improve this place. I could use assistance.

Here's to communicating,

Acceptance Does Not Mean Acceptance (as we normally consider it) : But, It's the Key to Serenity and Emotional Healing ..................4/5/11

  
     Good morning,

I went to bed early and here I am, this dark, early morning on the Left Coast. I tried entering a site online where I, until recently, wrote regularly.  The place is closed, after existing for more than two years. For more info, read my first post.  While with friends last night, we spoke about acceptance.

        I've learned over the years that acceptance does not mean acceptance, as I once understood this word.  This realization once boggled my mind.  Before, I considered acceptance a form of passivity.  "Oh, I have to accept that so-and-so is rude, critical, will interrupt me whenever I speak, will always get angry if I disagree, I have to accept that." Or, "I behave in such and such inappropriate ways it's because of what I went through as a child.  My actions are coping mechanisms I learned back then. They are a part of who I am."

      Not necessarily so. This is NOT acceptance. I've learned that acceptance does not mean yielding to a degrading (or intimidating) situation, person or behavior. Or is this morning's case----to a disappointing circumstance.  Acceptance means coming to terms with the issue, grieving it, letting it go and then deciding what steps we'll take.  I call this the "Part B" of acceptance.  I have choices.  I'm not a helpless, hopeless victim.

 "Acting like a victim is a choice, not a destiny."
               Hope for Today, p.189

Perseverance: Essential for Success .............. 4/3/11

"In the confrontation between the stream and the 
rock, the stream always wins–not through strength
 but by perseverance.”      – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I thought I'd share the following edited quote with you. 

"If someone asked me for one character quality that is the corner-stone for success, I would say perseverance. 

"Being great athletes, parents, leaders or achieving anything else---weight loss, reducing clutter, getting our finances in order, is really about willingness to persist in the face of challenges. We use these opportunities as a means to exercise our commitment towards whatever goal we seek

"Expecting the road to success to be a  cake walk leads to disappointment. No one is immune to the obstacles that life presents. However, I hold the power to choose what I do with whatever challenge I face.

"So, how about you? Do you persist when times are tough?  Do you pause while assessing the obstacle? Do you view your situation positively, that what you face is an opportunity that can lead to growth and fulfillment? 

"This is where a positive attitude is critical. [Click here, for more about this.]

"We live in a society of instant gratification. Many of us treat our goals in the same manner. We may expect instant mastery, flawless performances. We may want overnight success.  The truth is, our character and potential are determined by how we deal with the obstacles we face.  It is in these moments that we can take it one step at a time, towards the fruition of our dreams."   Beth Allen

     And this:

When nothing seems to help, I look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it.  Yet at the hundred and first blow it may split in two. I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before.        Jacob Riis

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How About You? 

1. What helps you to persevere, when you want to give up on a challenge, project, relationship, job or dream?  

2. What do you find as a source of strength, during difficult times? 

3. What quotes or principles spur you on, when you want to give up? 

I'd love hearing your thoughts and your response to this post. 

Wealth : True Friends and Plenty of Joy ....... 4/2/11

“We can be thankful to a friend for a few acres or a little money; yet for the freedom and of the
 whole earth, and for the  benefits of our being, our life, health, and reason, we look up ourselves
 as under no obligation.”— Marcus Annaeus Seneca   

    Good evening everyone,
I'm getting in my gratitudes for today, before the witching hour of midnight. As most of you know, I ask you to please share three things for which you are grateful. If you are a newbie to this place, I'll give you a deal: just share one thing for which you are grateful. It will help you to develop your gratitude muscles.

"A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance:

  but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken."

                      Proverbs 15:13

Here are mine:
1. I love my life.It has never been more satisfying. I went to the store last night to get groceries. The cashier asked, "how are you?" My answer: " I'm doing so well that if it got any better, I don't think I could stand it!" 

    The basis for that answer? Well, I'm loved, cared for and have many loving, accepting friends. I don't keep friends who judge others. Someone has said, "To observe without judgment is the highest form of wisdom." I agree.

    My friendships don't just happen; they take time to grow. Lee Iaccoca said, "if a man dies and he had five friends, he was a wealthy man." I agree.  I've more than five.

    Then again, many of them have been nurtured over thirty five, twenty-five, fifteen and eight years. I'm not talking about acquaintances. I'm thinking of those who would help me me at 2:00 a.m., if necessary. I know they would die for me, if necessary.  And I, for them.

     I've only lost a few friends that way. (Kidding.)  More importantly, I'm thankful for the loving, patient, relationship I have with God and my family. I'm fortunate.

     Much of my serenity and sanity is due to incarnational ambassadors of God's love. I thankful that I don't know God's love just cognitively. Nope, I enjoy His love through friends and family. A listening ear from an insightful friend does wonders.

 "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."  Jewish proverb

      Getting out the negative emotions and thoughts bubbling within me, when I talk with a friend diminishes their power. Order and clarity is created. I attain clarity.

2. I took a nap. I was in halt.  I halted, remedying the problem. See my previous postt if you don't know what I mean.
3. I saw a great movie, a historical film. I enjoy quiet moments, taking in new information.
4. I'm thankful for joy. Much of it is due to a perspective I've developed over the past seven years. It allows me to look at my options when in the midst of drama and to take care of myself.
5. I celebrate the viewers who've dropped by since this place opened March 13th. I'm glad this place encourages visitors. It makes what I do here, as the innkeeper of this blog worthwhile.
6. I'm glad God controls this universe, not me. I'm constantly reminded by the media of the severe problems this world faces. Think of the devastation that is going on in Japan, for instance.  I'm thankful for the following quote: 

"If we keep our face towards the sun
 we won't see much of darkness."

I'm humbled when I'm remember Helen Keller said this.

7.  I'm grateful for the comments posted by friends. Thank you.

Antidote to Stress: Not Being in HALT 4/1/11

      During a crazy schedule, making time to nurture ourselves strongly adds to our well-being.  Slowing the rpms of our schedule from a screaming 7,000 rpms to 1,000 soothes our psyche.

      We'll be happier and calmer, we'll last

Taking Care of Self While Stressed .............................4/1/11

Van Gogh: Almond Branches

    How are you?

Yep, it's late. I've been working on a major project. Overall, Thursday was great. I'm processing loss. A community that I've been involved with for 19 months is shutting down. When facing stress, I make a point to do what I need to do in order to take care of myself.  It is especially important during such times to make sure that I strengthen and equip myself.  Being at an optimal level, while going through a difficult time, is in my best interests. 

My gratitudes for today:

1.  SSS is still open, as I write. See my first post in this blog, for more background information.
2.  I'm grateful for those who post gratitudes here.   I enjoy community, your support and the celebration of what's alive within you.
3.  I'm glad my computer is back in action.  I study, take notes, research, communicate with many, record thoughts, prepare my work, and decompress, using this electrical device that allows me to talk with you.

4. I'm thankful for the lively conversation I enjoyed with others until 11:00 p.m, last night, after I spoke. I'm inspired by the different insights of others. Even if I don't agree, I like hearing divergent perspectives.   It's a good thing to keep an open mind.  Our mind is like a parachute, it only works when it's open.

A small portion of what I viewed on Thursday, during lunch

        Lunch in the island town of Alameda was had on Thursday. I visited a cafe that fronts the San Francisco Bay, Abigail Cafe. It's fast becoming one of my favorite hang outs. It's not as crowded as Starbucks, it's on the quieter northwest side of this ten square mile island. The place has wi-fi, offers plenty of tranquility, in addition to Moroccan and American food. When you come out to see me, I'll take you there. I might even like it better than Fenton's, that says plenty, if you know me.

       The vista stretches ten to twenty miles beyond the sloshing waters of the bay. Views of  San Francisco and its peninsula restored my mind, worn by recent demands.  I took care of business with a colleague while sharing a meal. The panoramic, 250 degree view was breathtaking. The weather was in the mid 70's, with a cool breeze. Little squirrels or varmints popped up their heads in the grass that runs along the shoreline. If only I had Alexander the Gray with me, it might have picked up his spirit.

5. I'm thankful for rest, the hypnotic power of the waves lapping against the beach and for a treat for my weary eyes and soul. 

6.  Tonight I was feted with a fabulous dinner; I didn't have to cook----can't beat an opportunity like that!

7. Thursday morning I enjoyed an in-depth, uplifting conversation with a dear friend. I've known him for 35+ years. Heart-felt conversations satisfy my soul. Inclusion, stability, empathy, nurturing, respect and support are wonderful qualities to come upon. Our talk armored me for the rest of the day.

8.  I've been relating with someone I barely know.  It's disappointing that she likes to judge and does so, quickly.  She even told me her judgments of me.  The last thing I enjoy doing is interacting with someone who's not affirming and is controlling.  Keeping my distance from her provides the serenity I need.   There are diseased areas within my psyche that, if I weren't careful, would want to accommodate a person with an attitude of superiority and is critical.   I'm glad I place principles----in this case, watching out for my emotional safety---above weak areas in my personality that would make me even think of  pleasing her.

    So, what are your gratitudes?  I'd love hearing them.