Inventory of the Past Week........ 3/29/15

Highs and Lows for the past week.

Highs
1.  Maintaining balance, even though my schedule is intense.  Setting aside time for me to decompress. This includs time for more sleep, even when I have had enough. I am happy that I am active

Embracing Differences ........... 3-27-15

     Who wants tension in a rela-tionship?

      Isn't it better, learning a skill that reduces discord?  Embracing differ-ences honors everyone trapped in the web of a conten-tious relationship.  It helps us relate with others.

     This practice prevents the two forms of inauthentic relating: eva-siveness and indirect communication.

     Can you imagine what it would look like, clearing the air with an irritating person, doing so nonjudgmentally, arriving at answers never dreamed as possible?

      Embracing differences in others steers us away from assuming, analyzing, interpreting and assessing the behavior and words others use.

     By eliminating this tendency to judge---to jump to conclusions---harmony and ease grows in the relationship.  Emotional safety is more likely when we keep our eyes on ourselves.  Doing this reducers the tendency to find fault with others.

      When we analyze or make assumptions about others, we are not  being present.  Instead, we are being controlling, manipulative.  When we try to control others, distance and distrust grows between us and the object of our manipulation.

      Embracing differences promotes intimacy.  It meets the need for those in the relationship to understand and be understood.  When using this skill, fears in the relationship dissipates.

      Embracing relationships fearlessly is more likely to take place when judgment is absent.   Freely, we can be who we are.

Defining the Skill

Embracing differences is taking in different points of view so we can consid-er them in relation to one another.   It is listening and empathizing with opinions that differ from ours.  We do this while  grounded with our bounda-ries and perspective. 

    Embracing differences reminds me of the following:

"Our mind is like a parachute.  It only works when it is open."

     I add a corollary: don't be so open our brains fall out.

    This skill is step-ping  from black and white thinking.  Typ-ically, when someone sees things different-ly than us, we label them as wrong.

     Today's skill avoids that.  When there is a difference we have three possibilities: flee, yield or fight.  This truth skill provides another option.

      We expand our vision.

      Holding different positions, without either person being wrong, allows us to fit in, just as we are.  There are sacrosanct areas: murder, stealing, lying, adultery, etc. are never right.  But other than these, and other critical values, the sky is the limit.

      This skill broadens our perspective.  We move beyond preconceived notions when exercising this skill.  Narrow-mindedness is eliminated.

       Right-sized, we are.  The opinions of others are respect-ed as equally as ours.  There is a "we" left standing after negotiations with others.

       It isn't all about what we want, or all about the desires of others.

      This is the essence of Tradition 2 in Recovery.  Every person's voice is heard, valued and honored. Their needs and our needs are both acknowledged.

     We become aware that we are part of something bigger than our-selves, when relating with another or a group.  This is Tradition Two living, operating by consensus.

     Do you know what is absent with this approach?  Dominance, ego, pride.  Instead, there is mutuality, reciprocity, honesty, authenticity, integrity and emotional safety.

    This provides a win-win situation when conflict arises.
 

    No longer is it "Our way or the highway."  Embracing differences moves us beyond passivity, letting others steamroll over our values.  It is expressing our feelings and needs.  Our point of view contrib-utes necessary values to the relationship.

    Today's skill is the antidote to codependency.  In this post, this subject is detailed.  Here's a one sentence definition: codependency is surrendering our opinions or values because we fear the anger or rejection of another.

     I don't suffer from codependency.  A slave to it, I was.  For decades.

     I was miserable.  Freedom from its shackles the result of working intensely on this weakness, for three years.

     I am free of this scourge now for twelve years.  Al-Anon Family Groups, its principles, and its literature liberated me.  I am no longer a slave to the opinions of others.

     Their opinions matter. But, my perspective is equally important.  I am aware of my wants.

     If we don't say what we want, there is zero chance of that happening.  We are also being controlling.  We are playing it safe to avoid an unwanted outcome.

      We want others to know the real us.  Instead of complying, we want to feel our emotions and say what we want.   This is presenting our true selves.

     It is much better expres-sing the needs beneath our feelings.  When we do, there is as chance of them being met. 

     Anne Wilson Schaef's book, Codependence Misunderstood-Mistreated is an enormous help for moving beyond codependency.  So is the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.

     Our life improves when embracing differences.  Power plays become a thing of the past. Our perspective broadens.

     We are happier, enjoying the unique "we" created each time we relate with another. 

The Benefits of Exhaustion ........... 3/25/15

Gratitudes for Wednesday: 

1.  I rested.  My physical reserves have been taxed the past two weeks by all the pain endured.  Halting is a great way of taking care of me. 

2.  Met with a new client. Terrific session. We hit it off right away.  She is the recep-tionist I met at the oral surgeon's office last Friday. 

3.  I love serving others through the work I do. 

4.  Met with

Freed From the Dragon of Distress............ 3/24/15

       Still kicking. Had surgery done on a tooth today, en-countered the worst pain, ever, tapping the doctor's arm, several times, when I felt pain, even after numbed multiple times by a giant needle.

      But I am happy. I took care of

Humor In the Midst of Pain.................... 3/20/15

"Like sunshine after the rain, and a lovely lonely flower
in a bleak environment, so is the joy we can know even
in the darkest and most painful of times. And so it is,
 when we know recovery and the love of a gentle, gracious 
               God"           The Innkeeper

    Last Sat-urday night it began.

    Pain stab-bed me.  I was robbed of the equanimity I usually enjoy.  It was stolen by physical torture.I could not sleep until 5:00 a.m. Sun-day.  After two hours of bles-sed sleep, nature called.  Then, a par-oxysm of another kind accosted me.

     It brought me to the floor of desperation. It lifted me to the height of something else.

      The wooden sides to my bed are high.  They are even with the mat-tress.  I swung my legs over the side.  I tried getting out of bed as I headed for the bathroom.  The frame created an outburst of cramps in my right leg.

     They turned my calf muscles into stone.  Agony seized them.  Three times I planted my feet on the bedroom floor.  Three times, convulsive leg spasms took over my calf muscles.  For more than twenty seconds,

 my leg con-tracted in agony.

      The pain threw me back in bed.  I writhed while moaning in the early hours of Sunday. What a way to start the week.

     An exposed nerve in a tooth, made me insane with pain.  More tired than when I've cycled 40 miles (64.37 km) in a day, I was.  Sleep was not my friend.  I was also enjoying the lingering remnants of my late cat Precious.  I was a Happy Meal for the fleas she left behind.

      I also needed to use the restroom and couldn't.    Wow.

     This is when something else kicked in.  Hu-mor. I laughed at the ridicu-lousness of my circumstances.  I was now men-tally a zombie because I was sleep deprived.  My jaw throb-bed.  My legs tingled from fleas tasting my juicy legs.

      There was no relief for my bladder.  My legs were in painful spasms. All this happen-ing at once. The story of a fellow who woke up discovering his water bed was leaking, came to mind. The man then

remembered he didn't have a waterbed.

       That was not going to be my lot, Sunday morning.

       If I saw an film character suffering from all the maladies I was struggling with, at one time, I would think it far fetched.  But it happened at 7:15 a.m.   Sunday morning.  And I laughed, even though in severe pain.
So, My Gratitudes: 
1.  For patience and the presence of mind that recovery offers.  Recovery gives me perspective, including humor, during rough times.  I don't let the green monsters of projection define my reality.  Because of recovery I do not believe I did something wrong and I was punished with the physical challenges endured this week.
2.  I had fabulous times visiting with the staff at my dentist's office and the office of the oral surgeon I saw today.  Four asked for my services.  Three I am seeing next week, appointments were booked. Didn't expect that.
3.  For the many who prayed for me as I went through the most difficult week, physically and emotionally I have known in years.
4.  For not allowing my mind to prevent me from experiencing life and being in touch with my feelings. This was especially important this week as I experienced death to comfort, depletion of my finances and a huge disruption to my work week, cancelling many appointments.
5.  I gave a presentation to colleagues yesterday on holding differences, maintaining multiple perspectives in a relationship.  Doing so, greatly improves our relationships with others. Several who attended approached me afterwards wanting me to coach them.
6.  My bike has been refurbished.  It better than I have ever had it----better than new.  I am thrilled!   I will cycle tomorrow.  Can't wait!

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes for this weekend?  You heard mine.

The Benefits of a Painful Time..... 3/18/15

I am hoping my dentist will be the bridge that takes
  me from torment to peace of mind and tranquility

    How do you respond, when pain sucker punches you? Can you re-member the last time you were there?  In agony, I am, due to an infection en-dured since Saturday night.  I visi-ted my dentist Monday.  No prescription was given for a pain that makes it hard to see.  I am constantly grimacing, as a stabbing

Insane With Pain............... 3/17/15

      In agony. Saturday night, rolling in bed, the throbbing on the right side of my lower jaw, made it impossible to sleep until 5:00 a.m., Sunday.  Pain so bad, I couldn't think.  I was a zombie for the rest of the day, when I woke up.  Right now, I can't gather my thoughts too

well, I hurt badly.  I am letting guests to this inn know why

A Special Day For the Inn.......... 3/13/14

      Today is an important day for this inn of gratitude.  On this date this inn was birthed, lo, four years ago.  An adventure it has been, stretching this innkeeper.  I am grateful for those of you who encourage with your comments.  Much has gone on since the doors to this place were opened.

      Last Sunday, we passed the half a million mark.  The past few months, this abode of thankful-ness had more than 800 views per day, some days

An Exhausted Innkeeper.......... 3/12/15

 Busy day. Saw seven clients. A twelve hour day. But, here are my gratitudes:
1.  I am loved by many. I enjoy the authenticity we share.
2.  I am in the best place, emotionally, physically and mentally, than I have ever been.
3.  I am going to bed as soon as I finish this post.
4.  I love a new

Comfortable In My Own Skin, Even When Judged........ 3/10/15

      Just returned from Sebastopol, driving 130 miles today.  Earlier, I saw clients, including one who had a car accident on her way to see me. What dedication for her personal growth. Today's busyness has me beat.  I am

Five Steps That Kill the Giant of Depression, and, Our Ideal Self Isn't, Part II.............. ...................3/6/15

       Do you find Giant of Depression chasing you?  

        Many suffer from this disturbing situation.  Frequent-ly, dealing with an abusive or negative

Balanced Living and Thank God for Garlic Pills....... 3/5/15

      No fun to-night, when I got home from Alameda.  Be-lieve me.  More about this, later, Thurs-day.  After I take care of the problem.  One temporary antidote I can use for tonight:
odorless garlic pills.  Gobs of them.

      In a Science Fiction situation, I imagine myself.  Under attack, is how

What Makes You Happy? ............ 3/2/15

    What makes you happy?  Do you remem-ber as a kid, you could spend hours, play-ing with blocks? What hap-pened to that sense of wonder and the ability to enjoy the simple things of life?  Does your happiness depend upon how the