Tuesday, February 10

The 1960's in California, Again, Without Boundaries, Like It Was, Back Then .................. 2/10/15

Back Jack
     Back from my bi-weekly trip to Sebastopol.  It's weird, what I sit in, on, while plopped upon a Back Jack.  If I had a tad more of a sense of humor, I would parody what happens.  Bizarre.  I restrain from
shaking my head or pinching myself in disbelief, while witnessing the goings on that happen every other Tuesday night.  Am I dreaming?? Am I transplanted back to the 60's?  It seems like it.
     Someone mentions something, and away they go, those attending this workshop on honesty.  Every time I try to participate, I am cut off.  Not others, just me.  One person, whose name is Anne, but pronounced Annie, notices this every week and speaks up, letting me get into the conversation.
     Many shared they get triggered by the other participants.  I don't.  Several mention how they find anger boiling within them,
because of a comment made.   Not my experience.  It bothers the hell out of them, that I am always in a good mood---with a smile.  They are perturbed because I am not like them.
      I'm not.  I use boundaries.  I am NOT codependent.  I don't get triggered.  Ever.  That's right, ever.  No one can make me happy, sad, or have any other feeling, unless I give them permission to do so.  And I don't.  I use recovery, making me not as emotionally vulnerable or invested, in a good way.
     Other people's feelings are their property.  Mine are mine. Although others may not like what I have to say, they will have to handle the disappointment, not me. I am thankful for the joy and peace of mind I have because I speak my truth, gently and respectfully.   I say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it meanly.
      Others do not define me or determine my moods.  Equanimity is mine, even in the most roiling of times.  I am also bathed in love, throughout my week, so I don't suffer from fear.  My love bank is totally full, providing me with confidence and personal strength.
   Their mouths were agape when I spoke the last two sentences.  I felt I was in Marin County.  Nope, I was in Sonoma County.  But it must have been colonized by Marin County people.  Peacock feathers weren't present, but the rest of the time tonight fit the stereotype of the touchy-feely image of New-Age Californians.

     After the meeting, the instructor approached me,as I slipped on my shoes, to leave.  She said I had "presence."  That's odd, because she usually cuts me off or corrects me.  She even hugged me.  This was the first time when she didn't correct me during a session.

   The class is not safe.  It got out of control tonight.  One woman suffered an emotional melt-down, because someone criticized her.  For 20 minutes, while others spoke, she twitched her body, rocking from side-to-side while her face had a plaintive look.  My profession has taught me how to detach with compassion, with my emotions staying intact.  But still.

     It is almost shocking, being in this environment.  I don't believe in using judgment, which is what the participants do, all the time, in addition to using blame, shame, uncontrolled anger or guilt, a  recipe for disaster.  Those qualities run counter to my nonviolent communication training.  Tonight was an example of what happens when these forms of Life Alienating Communication are given reign.

1.  For safety during a long, one-day trip.
2.  For speaking my truth, even if I differed with everyone else, like I did tonight.
3.  For knowing what I want and don't want, when relating. The class I attend in Sebastopol has made this clear.
4.  For having a word with the woman who was twitching, angry and wounded tonight.  I asked if she was an INFP.  Yes.   I knew it.
5.  For seeing the humor in a sick situation, a form of detaching.
6.  For Anne standing up on my behalf, every week. It met my need for inclusion and respect, my presence recognized.
7.  For not letting those attending tonight to define me nor yielding to their pressure, that I must be upset or fearful.  I wasn't, and let them know it. I had equanimity.
8.  Deep thankfulness for boundaries. They are a sanity saver and peace producer.
9.  There were nine hundred and fifty-five views today and more than a thousand yesterday. Thank you, for dropping by. I am glad this place is meeting the needs of many.
10. This is the first time in more than a month that I attended the workshop without being singled out by the instructor and corrected.  I could get used to this.

How About You? 
What are your three gratitudes?  Please, let me hear yours.


Thumper said...

Dear Pablo,

I am also involved in a situation that is very toxic and bizarre. I witness similar unhealthy, codependent behavior. The hardest part is not getting triggered, but I guess that is where detachment comes in. Having your voice is important, even if others do not like what you are saying. Speaking your truth is what is important. Be yourself. Be authentic even if others disagree. This is what I am learning to do.

Anonymous said...

Hello Dear Innkeeper,

I appreciate this post as I can relate to all the 'boundaryless-Codependent 'relationships mentioned here...being a prime suspect myself.
After a difficult week of bad behavior, I am learning, I would much rather be like the ' Green Frog' basking in equanimity...than the 'Raging Bull'I became when I lost my temper at work last week!

My gratitudes are:

1.T.My friend-in-recovery who is always there for me when I need her.
2.My ever patient boundary keeping counselor,whom I deeply appreciate.
3.For being able to relax at my daughters high school orchestra concert on Thursday.
4.For an understanding boss who did not fire me!
5.For the support of another friend-in-recovery helping me with other job possibilities if I needed them.

Jane G.Yorkshire

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.