Relating With The Emotionally Fevered 10/24/13

Napa Valley, where I'll be cycling tomorrow. 

A simple rule in dealing with those who are hard to get along with is to remember that this person is striving to assert his superior-ity; and you must deal with him from that point of view.   Alfred Adler

     Good evening everyone, a special welcome to all new guests to this inn!  This afternoon, when not busy with sessions, I immersed myself in
study, something I love doing: it relaxes me.

My Gratitudes:

1. Saturday, I'm cycling in the beautiful wine country of Napa Valley, with my oldest son. I look forward to us connecting, laughing and spending the weekend together.
2.  I'll get a good night of rest, after posting my gratitudes.
3. I love the work I do.  It's not my job, it's my joy.

Napa Valley

4. Today, I received a letter from a dear friend.  When I get one from this person, I'm happy. I like the way we relate and think alike.  I appreciate this person's sense and sensibilities.

Relating With The Emotionally Fevered
       Someone tried shaming me, the other day. When I asked him what motivated his unkind comments, his reply was, "I'm only telling the truth."  I told him, "I never gave you permission to condemn me, I want you to stop."

       He did.

       We get what we tolerate, we train people how to treat us. In this case, I expressed boundaries and emotionally detached from a person who was judgmental and unkind, not really wanting peace. By the way, because of character discernment, which this link discusses, I see him for the unsafe person he is, and avoid having as a friend, for good reason.

       I'm glad I addressed the situation without getting irritated or allowing my feelings to be hurt.  However, his justification for his verbal abuse  reminded me of the following passage:

 I recently had an argument with someone I care about. He had made, all too publicly, a few remarks to me about my weight.....Later, when I told him that my feeling were hurt, he insisted he had done nothing wrong---that what he had said was true, so I shouldn't take offense.

How often have I justified my unkindness, or my interfering where I had no business, with that very argument?  Too many times, especially during [days when my loved one's behavior was less than desired.]  After all, I claimed, I was right....and it was my duty to say so---again, and again, and  again. 

I am learning to let go of my certainty about what other people should do. We've all heard the saying, we can be right, or we can be happy.  I don't have to make anyone over in my image. With help, I can live and let live. 

I am not an insensitive person, but at times I have justified insensitive behavior by claiming to be right. I can respect another's right to make his or her own choices, even when I strongly disagree.  My relationships will improve if I can love myself enough to let other people be themselves.

'Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And when we are  right, make us easy to live with.' 

          I always want to be considerate when I talk.  I do not deserve abuse, no one does.  But, neither am I to dish it out, either, even when I'm ridiculed.  When my sons were children, I would never discipline them for having a fever.  When someone is abusive, they reveal that they're emotionally fevered.

         Seeing abusive behavior in that light allows us to not take their actions personally.  It also helps remembering that how another person treats us is not a statement about us. It's a statement about them, the victimizer, their values and worldview.   I'm mindful of this passage from a poem:

 Like calls unto like. We are met by the traits we show.  Where love will find a friend, hate will find a foe.  Edgar Guest

How About You? 
What helps you to endure difficult people? I'd love hearing your answers.