Thursday, October 24

Relating With The Emotionally Fevered 10/24/13

Napa Valley, where I'll be cycling tomorrow. 
A simple rule in dealing with those who are hard to get along with is to remember that this person is striving to assert his superior-ity; and you must deal with him from that point of view.   Alfred Adler
     Good evening everyone, a special welcome to all new guests to this inn!  This afternoon, when not busy with sessions, I immersed myself in
study, something I love doing: it relaxes me.
My Gratitudes:
1. Saturday, I'm cycling in the beautiful wine country of Napa Valley, with my oldest son. I look forward to us connecting, laughing and spending the weekend together.
2.  I'll get a good night of rest, after posting my gratitudes.
3. I love the work I do.  It's not my job, it's my joy.
Napa Valley
4. Today, I received a letter from a dear friend.  When I get one from this person, I'm happy. I like the way we relate and think alike.  I appreciate this person's sense and sensibilities.

Relating With The Emotionally Fevered
       Someone tried shaming me, the other day. When I asked him what motivated his unkind comments, his reply was, "I'm only telling the truth."  I told him, "I never gave you permission to condemn me, I want you to stop."

       He did.

       We get what we tolerate, we train people how to treat us. In this case, I expressed boundaries and emotionally detached from a person who was judgmental and unkind, not really wanting peace. By the way, because of character discernment, which this link discusses, I see him for the unsafe person he is, and avoid having as a friend, for good reason.

       I'm glad I addressed the situation without getting irritated or allowing my feelings to be hurt.  However, his justification for his verbal abuse  reminded me of the following passage:
 I recently had an argument with someone I care about. He had made, all too publicly, a few remarks to me about my weight.....Later, when I told him that my feeling were hurt, he insisted he had done nothing wrong---that what he had said was true, so I shouldn't take offense.
How often have I justified my unkindness, or my interfering where I had no business, with that very argument?  Too many times, especially during [days when my loved one's behavior was less than desired.]  After all, I claimed, I was right....and it was my duty to say so---again, and again, and  again. 
I am learning to let go of my certainty about what other people should do. We've all heard the saying, we can be right, or we can be happy.  I don't have to make anyone over in my image. With help, I can live and let live. 
I am not an insensitive person, but at times I have justified insensitive behavior by claiming to be right. I can respect another's right to make his or her own choices, even when I strongly disagree.  My relationships will improve if I can love myself enough to let other people be themselves.
'Lord, when we are wrong, make us willing to change. And when we are  right, make us easy to live with.' 
          I always want to be considerate when I talk.  I do not deserve abuse, no one does.  But, neither am I to dish it out, either, even when I'm ridiculed.  When my sons were children, I would never discipline them for having a fever.  When someone is abusive, they reveal that they're emotionally fevered.

         Seeing abusive behavior in that light allows us to not take their actions personally.  It also helps remembering that how another person treats us is not a statement about us. It's a statement about them, the victimizer, their values and worldview.   I'm mindful of this passage from a poem:
 Like calls unto like. We are met by the traits we show.  Where love will find a friend, hate will find a foe.  Edgar Guest
How About You? 
What helps you to endure difficult people? I'd love hearing your answers.


Vanessa Higgins said...

I learn from you. I am really not skilled in the art of standing up for myself. I get walked on all the time. I think about the situation a day or two later and realize I am really upset but it's too late to address. I read this book, as suggested to me by my counsellor, "finding your inner bitch". I really did not relate to the contents of this book very much but I did pull one thing out of it. When something bothers you in an way, say the words "I don't think so". Isn't that brilliant?? I rarely use it to be honest, but I know it is there and I plan to practice it in the future.

Pablo said...

Dear Vanessa,

I'm so glad you dropped by! you might want to look at this post:
Dodging a Raging Bull. In it, I share how I dealt with a pushy person and stood up for myself. Another helpful post might be: Expressing Feelings. I find saying, "I'm not in agreement with you" helpful, when dealing with a person who is giving me a hard time.

Let me know when might be a good time for us to chat, if you want to, using Skype. I've enjoyed our times together, in the past.

Wishing you a grateful weekend,

The Innkeeper

Quotes from the Posts

"I'm mindful that our thoughts affect the words we use, our words influence our actions, our actions shape our character and our character determines our destiny."

From "My Character Determines My Destiny." To read it, please click here.

"Progress not perfection, is better than no progress at all, especially when we're trying to rid ourselves from unwelcome dragons that dwell within the closets of our soul."

From, "Still Learning" which, within four days, became the most popular post
written. To read it, please click here.

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its trouble, but it does empty today of its strength"
From the post: "Life Is Not a Correspondence Program." Click here to read it.

"Even though we cannot control our circumstances, we can control how we choose to respond to them."

From, "Handling Stress and Dealing With an Emotional Bully."Click here to read this post.

"Nope, being busy isn't exciting. Boring is good. Because boring is not boring; boring is being healthy, living a balanced life that has serenity"

From: "Do You Know What It Means If You Are Too Busy?" For more, please click here.