Basking in the Kindness of Others. Not Going it Alone, Part II 7/10/11

Healthy support from others is like the sun shining through on a
cloudy day. Click on the image to get a larger, unimpeded view.

     How is everyone?

Yesterday was marvelous, miraculous, magnificent and moving. The resultant gratitudes:

1. I marveled at the uplifting support I got from several professional colleagues as I addressed an urgent, pressing, practical business issue yesterday.  I was comforted, supported, inspired and strengthened. All this while in the midst of an occupational storm. I experienced a miracle because I did not "Lone Ranger" yesterday's situation.
 
       The Lone Ranger was a terrific TV series; but, it isn't the ideal way of getting through life's journey. We were meant to be in relationship with emotionally healthy, supportive others.  The benefits of of having such friends paid off yesterday.

Serenity: No Longer Making Financial or Relational Decisions Alone (Not Going It Alone Part I) ..7/9/11

My Gratitudes for Saturday:

1. I slept in today. Thank God for rest.
2. It's great hearing from several of you. I enjoy the community, communication and celebrating life, along with the honesty and openness we share with each other.
3. I love my work, my profession. Today, a prospective client wanted my services without paying me. No can do. I'm thankful that I know my boundaries and I exercised my discernment.

My Relationship With God and an Awkward Time with an Inquisitive Stranger 7/9/11

"Where are you from? My, what passion you have when

you speak! Oh, you are just a caregiver, right?" 

     At one point last Sunday evening (click here for more details),  as some friends and I ate at a restaurant, I was posed awkward, judgmental questions, "Where are you from?  I notice you say things differently,"  a woman asked me.  Here, I thought that I had tucked my antennae neatly under my thick head of hair!

Defensive Hope, Not a Good Deal, It Ensures Disappointment 7/8/11

     The following quote is from page 97, Safe People, by the authors, Drs. Cloud and Townsend, published by Zondervan

        Defensive hope is hope that [we think] protects us against grief and sadness.  

       Sometimes simply hoping a person will change keeps us from the pain that we need to face.  Hu-mans are incredible optimists. Especially when it comes to destructive relationships.  For some rea-son we think that a person who is hurtful, irrespon-sible or out of control, abusive, or dishonest is going to change.  All we have to do is love them correctly or more or enough. We think that if we just let them know about their mistakes or cry the blues, or get angry, they will change. 

     In short, we have hope. But it is a hope that disap-points. In this scenar-io we use hope to de-fend our-selves against facing the truth about someone we love. We don't want to go through the sadness of realizing that they probably aren't going to change. We don't want to accept the reality about who they are.  So, we hope, not wanting to face reality. 

        Usually this kind of hope did not start in our cur-rent relationship.  We usually have an old pattern of not facing grief and disappointments in many past relation-ships, dating back to childhood.  (Emphasis, mine.)

        Facing sadness is difficult.  It places the respon-sibility of change on us, instead of hoping that un-safe person is going to change.  We have to learn to not expect that he will change.  We have to make other friends.  We need to adapt to a nonfulfillng marriage.  

        We want the courage to set limits and conse-quences.  We will want to make many more tough choices that may change our relationships.

        Yes, hope is easier in the beginning.  In the end it is more difficult. Not facing reality is to stay stuck and to get more of the same in the future. Defensive hope is one of the biggest reasons that we allow de-struction to continue in life.

        Looking at reality helps us thrive.  When we do, we get emotion-ally healthier.

       Grieving proves to be a critical step for healing.   A big part of ac-ceptance: mourning, connecting at the sensory-motor level with what transpires within us.  We do this to overcome the effects of the trauma.

       Sanity involves letting go of fantasies.  We become realistic in how we see our circumstances.  We start experiencing the reality of our feelings. 

       Sanity requires moving beyond inadequate coping strategies.

       This required step allows us to transcend our circumstances, un-healthy relationships, or disturbing feelings.   Seeing life realisti-cally demonstrates self-compassion.  We become rooted in our inner selves.

        This defines being present, not triggered by the drama surrounding us.  We do not ignore what our intuitive self declares to our conscious self.  (See Footnote 1)

       Acceptance from a recovery perspective becomes the first step towards thinking differently.  We see the landscape of our life.  We determine what we can do to surmount our difficulties.  

       This form of acceptance empowers us.  We see our options.  We are not helpless, hopeless victims. 

      

       We move beyond being stuck.

       This approach is active.  It is the exact opposite of accep-tance with resignation, which is passivity. We move beyond painful emotions and the difficulties challenging us. Acceptance with recovery creates a better today.

"Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity."                            Step Two

         We overcome false beliefs that life improves if we wait.  Not true.  This often happens with fantasies we have about unhealthy people who populate our social circle.  An idealistic perspective pre-vents us from seeing life or difficult others clearly, with discernment.

         We enjoy a realistic view of life when using Step Two in Recovery.

         This step heals.  As we move from victims to individuals making healthier choices, we take back control of our lives.  We are staying in the solution, moving forward. (See footnote. 2)
       

       The quoted passage by Cloud and Town-send is also true with our circumstances.  We may fantasize about them.  We may not want to face the truth.  Again, facing disappointment is important if our lives are to improve.

      After grieving, we let go.  We decide what to do next.  We consider our healthiest, most constructive options.  

        When we make peace with our reality, we'll have a greater Atti-tude of Gratitude to complement the increasing sanity and serenity we enjoy.

My Gratitudes:
1. My work is satisfying.

      I love what I do.  No two days are the same.  I contribute to the positive well-being of the world.  How could I not have an Attitude of Gratitude?

      I'm moved when others get more out of life because of my work.  I celebrate the purpose my life holds.

2. I grateful others appreciate my efforts.

      I get plenty of that.  It's wonderful that clients value the work I do.  Not that I need appreciation to have serenity. 1 (Footnote below)
3. I value each comment visitors write. It builds the community we enjoy here.
4. I'm thankful for each person who drops by.  It's nice having you here. It makes the work I do here as the innkeeper worthwhile.
How About You? 
1.  What losses have you been grieving regarding a relationship?
2.  What are some tough choices that you are making?
3.  In what ways have you been facing reality lately?

Footnotes

1. "If  I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer no longer essential to my serenity. Just for today, I will appreciate myself.  

    "I will not look to others s for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough."
                Courage to Change, p. 9

2. "Focusing on ourselves doesn't mean we let other people walk all over us and pretend not to notice, or that whatever others do is acceptable.  Nor does it imply that we should stop caring about our loved ones.  Focusing on ourselves simply means that when we acknowledge the situation as it is, we look at our options instead of looking at the options available to other people.  

     "We consider what is within our power to change instead of expecting others to do the changing. As a result, problems have a better chance of getting solved, and we lead more manageable lives."   Courage to Change, p. 359

      Our life becomes somewhat more manageable ("have a better chance") because we do have some control over how we choose to live our lives.  I say "some" because our character defects get in our way, even here, as we attempt to transcend our errant ideals, past history, and pain. This points to the value of having Balcony People.

       For more information about them, you can read here. Have a great and grateful day!

Image: Cumbria: Dervent and Skiddaw  by Tim Blessed © all rights reserved, used by permission

Family, Friend and Fourth of July 7/6/11

    How is everyone?
My Fourth of July was fine. My sons, a friend and I spent the day together, enjoying the patriotic occasion in warm weather tempered by breezes from the San Francisco Bay. We gathered at 9:00 a.m. and hung out until 8:30 p.m. At that point I spent the rest of the evening with one of my sons until 12:30 a.m.

     Witnessing a parade, allowed us to take in some Americana. There's something to be said

Responding, Not Reacting Part II (Saving a Relationship, in the Process) ..7/5/11

Good morning everyone!

It's a lovely outside.  The promise of a lovely summer is today's reality.  I'm luxuriating in California weather: it'll be in the 70's today. No humidity, a cool bay breeze making the day's weather fantastic. Meeting a new client today is something I look forward to, it's like a blind date. 

            I oversee a business meeting today.  Sometimes  they are contentious, an opportunity for me to practice grace and patience.  Nine years working in a psych hospital, dealing with out-of-control moments, prepared me for occasions like these.  Wish me luck

Responding, Not Reacting

         My middle son and I stayed up last night, baking a Devil's food cake.  I like 'em tall.  So, it's  a double layered chocolate delight with crushed almond slivers spread on the sides.  It's soul-satisfying spending in-depth time with a son.  

          At the beginning of the evening, we hit a rough patch, before we started the evening project.  Empathy goes a long way in restoring frayed relationships.  Such was case last night.  Everyone enjoys being heard.  1 (See footnote) 

         Connecting to the feelings and the needs beneath our feelings, helps.  When I understand what's going on within another person, their needs are more likely to be met.  Hostility or defensiveness does not help, during tense moments. When the beast of my son's anger raised its head, we addressed the it's needs.  We fed it. We didn't slay the critter. The creature became happy and went to sleep, satisfied. 

         Responding versus reacting, I've found works best.  I've learned, that for every year I spend working on my character, I get one second of response time---when crises arise. This  past April 3rd  made it seven years since I've been applying new ways to respond to crises.  Seven seconds of response time, is my lot. That's plenty of time.

        I respond, not react; click here for more about this.  It's been good thing, a relationship saver, a serenity saver and a joy producer.  It helped, last night.  Our evening could have ended poorly, with my son and I parting ways.  

        Fortunately. we reasoned and loved things out.  He's a terrific young man.  Bonding sometimes occurs when shoulders and hands touch, working together.  Last night was such an opportunity.  I'm indebted that it helps when we place principles above our personality. 

       As we baked, decorated and ate warm, moist cake, the night was also consumed with calmly enthusiastic dialog.  We bonded.  Having an adult son wanting to spend time with me warms the soul. Entrusting me with his feelings and thoughts is not something I take lightly.  I'm a lucky guy.

So, My Gratitudes for Today:

 (Yes, this is a chocolate color)

1. The weather is fabulous, the birds are chirping and I hear the buzz of lawnmowers hard at work this Summer day.

2.  My son and I made memories last night that will last a lifetime.  He encountered, once again, that what he says is more important than anything else, when we are together.

3. The smile that slowly lit upon his agitated face when he saw that I was emotionally available for him, along with my ears.  He realized I cared.

4.  I'm grateful for the difference seven seconds provides. It allowed me to respond and not react.

5.  For the gift of a fatherhood. It provides me a deeper understanding of  God's unconditional love for me. It is humbling knowing He loves me more than I cherish my sons.  God delights when I open myself to Him.  That's called prayer.

 

 Related Post: 

Responding Not Reacting, Part I

1. We even like hearing ourselves, listening to our soul speak to our heart. To do so, we have to learn to relax and make ourselves still.  "Be still and know I am God." Psalms 46:10

Activity, school, work, projects, obligations all helped me focus outward.  That way I didn't have to rest long enough to feel how frightful my...life was. 

There is nothing wrong with working hard and producing results, but I was abusing these activities.  They were socially acceptable ways to deny [listening to] my feelings. Both family and society supported my hiding behind them until, [I'm] beaten down and exhausted.   Courage to Change, page 198

Fourth of July: Great Time Was Had

We learn from the mistakes we make and the suffering they bring. The universe is a soul-making machine, and part of that process is learning, maturing, and growing through difficult, challenging and painful experiences. The point of our lives in this world isn't comfort, but training and preparation for eternity. Peter John Kreeft  (Photographer's caption.)

   Good morning, gang,

I got in a little while ago. I hope your Fourth was grand. Our time as a family was wonderful. More to be revealed after I get some shut eye.

Gratitudes:

1. Great weather.
2. Great time with family and a friend.
3.  Lovely views, all day.
4.  Fabulous conversations. I appreciated the honesty and transparency we had with one another.

Connecting with God---- Being Judged by Others 7/3/11

 
     Hello everyone,

The computer I use is acting up. At some point I'll take it in, it needs to be overhauled. It's crashed four times while writing this post.  Each time, I lost what I wrote. I don't memorize what I write so, those thoughts are lost.Gee whiz!

      I rested earlier in the day; later, I met with friends. The weather was warm, but not unbearable, sort of comfortable, like our family cat, Tigger.

         A subject came up when I  was with others, "what do we do, to draw closer to God?"  Mind you, this was not a meeting at a church. There were many who were from different religious persuasions, or of none.  Some had different lifestyles. I marveled that this subject was discussed calmly. No heated arguments ensued.  What is your answer to this question? I'd love hearing your replies.

Gratitudes from a Rested Innkeeper

        Good evening everyone,

Or, good morning to you early birds, who drop by this inn, as I'm sleeping.  I'm back. Rest, it's wonderful and refreshing. I woke up this morning, exhausted, my mind in cobwebs. I fumbled around throughout the day. I studied, but was tired. At 5:15 p.m., Left Coast time, I took a five hour nap. Wow!  I feel better.  Soon enough, I'll bed down again, I want to keep my body on a reasonable time schedule.

    I had emotionally demanding experiences this week, they are physically exhausting. Typically, I have lots of stamina. Listening to our weary bodies and getting the needed rest serves us in good stead.

My Gratitudes for Saturday:

1. As we approach a patriotic holiday, in the U.S., I'm mindful of the fabulous nation in which we live,

Random Gratitude Thoughts and Bon Mots from the Innkeeper (Also this blog is featured by a new organization.) 7/1/11

  Good evening,

Eight hours of sleep, I had last night; it felt great. I don't know if you can tell---- that's not something I regularly do. My body and mood felt rested throughout the day.

      My gratitudes before the clock strikes midnight--I'm slipping them in, under the wire:

1.  I relish the way my body feels. I'm glad I took care of myself and slowed down.
2.  An especially wonderful time with friends last night made my