Perfectionism, Procrastination, Paralysis: It's Antidote ......... 3/30/11

     Perfectionism is a disease. Have you heard of the three Ps?  They are perfectionism, procrastin-ation, and paralysis; they are related to each other, a typical negative pattern of behavior. 

          It's a regression.  Perfectionism leads to procrastinating because the task before us appears overwhelming, and we become emotionally unmotivated.  If we stall, the problem develops a life of its own, and we find ourselves paralyzed.  

         These additional problems evolve when our principles are overrun by the vulner-able parts of our personality.  In such times, fear, anxiety, resentment, and other negative feelings creep in.  When we find ourselves flummoxed and in a vulnerable place, the quotations below help:

I have yet to meet an absolute per-fectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for per-fection and the desire for inner tran-quility conflict with each oth-er. Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way,  better than it al-ready is, we are, by definition, engaged in a losing battle.

Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what's wrong with something and our need to fix it.  When we are zeroed in on what's wrong it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontent. with life.

                            Richard Carlson,  Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

*****

 

     This blog is a miracle.  It is a baby. Seventeen days old. 

      It is an experience writing publicly. That's okay.  I am doing the regular practice that produces progress. 

      Posting my thoughts here reminds me of when I drove my first car.  It had a clutch, making it more challenging to handle.  The second time out was a doozy and a bad idea. 

       I was sixteen. I only had my permit and should have driven with an adult. I put it out on a busy street, Winchester Ave. in San Jose, with no one else joining me. 

      I did not know how to drive.  There I was, scooting along with other cars.  I had no idea what I was doing. 

       It was a dangerous time for the drivers surrounding me.  I could have bumped into them.  If only these motorists knew the danger next to them because of my inept driving.

       Those feelings returned two weeks ago when opening the doors to this inn of gratitude.  I have no clue what I'm doing here.  

      I simply put one foot in front of the other.  In this age of cynicism, I encourage guests to this inn to share their gratitude.  It isn't that happy people are grateful. 

      It's that those who are grateful enjoy life more and are happy. 

         

      Thanks for dropping by.  Here, we share our Attitude of Gratitude.   We rejuvenate our hearts with praise. We invest in ourselves when we post here.  

      Our spirit becomes alive when we focus on whatever is lovely or worthy of praise. May we feel the blessing of lifting our hearts with thankfulness.  

          Tuesday, I spoke before an audience about not being overwhelmed by those who frustrate us or push our buttons.  Tonight. I shared how we can get back our voice and not be manipulated by the anger of emotional bullies. 

          It makes my day seeing the audience interested in developing discernment in their relationships.  It's heartening witnessing others experiencing joy in their lives.

        When it comes to public speak-ing, I do the best, leaving the results to God. There is no need for perfection-ism. My best for today is good enough.

         I look forward to hearing what's going on in your lives.  Communicating, fellowship, and celebrating life are good for everyone's soul.  Have a terrific Thursday.  Keep looking up,

Related Post:

Progress, Not Perf3ktion

Hope For Dark Times............ 3/29/11

Experiencing a gracious living God is like feeling the
 sun's warmth streaming through the clouds of difficulties

         Good morning everyone, 

It's easy getting overwhelmed with the pressures we face.  It's second nature, relying on our mind, believing it will solve our problems.  It doesn't.  The lynch pin is

Getting Through the Day (Staying intact & refreshed, while under pressure) .......... ...................3/26/11

    The following spiritual disciplines help us get through the day, especially those days with challenges and stress.

1.  Meditation.

    This exercise slows us down.  It helps us get away from the frenetic white noise of a busy life.  Meditation stills our mind.  It allows us to get perspective about the events transpiring in our day, the past week or month.

      Seeking God's will in the midst of all that confronts us, is what we attempt.  Praying for God's grace to carry out His will, not ours, our goal. This is Step 11 in recovery.  Spirituality is humbling, is healing, is rare.

     Meditating is connecting with a transcendent God.  Prayer is talking to Him.  Meditation is when we stop and listen to Him.  We were given one mouth and two ears because we were meant to use them in that proportion.  When we speak we only say what we know.  When we listen, we may learn something we didn't know before.  Listening requires humility.   When we open the ears of our heart we find direction.

"The mind of man plans his ways but the Lord directs his steps."  Proverbs 16:9

Persistence, Patience, Practice and Perseverance: Progress 3/21/11

The Angel Oak on Johns Island in So. Carolina.  The oldest oak tree east of Mississippi.  It is certainly one of the most beautiful. It's 1500 years old. It's 65 feet tall, over 6 stories. The crown covers 17,000 sq. feet. It's longest limb is 89 feet long. It's maintained by the city of Charleston. This tree grew from one acorn. Here's to our growth

 Patience With Our Progress

         Today, I'm leaving several quotes. May they help us maintain an Attitude of Gratitude. Availing ourselves to God on a daily basis, seeking  His will, helps our patience grow.  Immediate results are no longer our focus.

         I've discovered that life, like the growing oak tree referred to in the quote below---and pictured above---is a matter of many, mini successes.  Like stalactites, found hanging from cave tops, successes build-up over time.  Little victories demonstrate growth developing within.

        Progress doesn't look like much on any given day; growth is slow.  However, over time, it happens.  Continued victories are assured when we practice discipline in areas where we desire success.

"Success depends not merely in how well we do the things we enjoy, but in how consci-entiously we perform those duties that we don't."  

        John Maxwell, Developing the Leader                          Within You

Placing Principles Over Unhealthy Habits

         Exercising regu-larly, refraining from seductive junk food and rejecting ration-alizations that justify harmful behavior and saving our mon-ey may not be fun, for many.  Eating unhealthily is tempt-ing.  Many of us love indulging in greasy hamburgers, french fries, ice cream, pizza and potato chips.

         We know it's best not eating them, if we want better health and longevity.  It's better choosing health and vitality over the temporary pleasure of unhealthy appetites. That's why I exercise and ride my bike as much as I do.

           In the same way, placing principles above self-damaging habits promotes growth. Our character gets better, we experience the beginnings of thriving. Yes, we'll slip on occasion.  Developing and maintaining healthy pattern of living requires patience.

I need not judge the rate at which I change old habits or ways of thinking.  If  I'm uncomfortable with old behavior,  then on some level some level I am already mov-ing toward changing it.  Change will not be effective unless I am ready for it.   

I need only trust that, when the time comes to  move  forward, I will know it.    

               Courage to Change, p 221  

"Remind me each day that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than increasing its speed. Let me look upward unto the towering oak and remember it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well."            Oren Crane

Gentleness Helps
        Being gentle towards ourselves helps. When we engage in less than best habits, we simply forgive ourselves.  It doesn't help to kick ourselves:

"Condemning my imper-fections has never enhanced my appreci-ation of life nor has it allowed me to love my-self more."  Courage to Change, p. 19

Re-engaging healthy principles is preferred. (It's time to put those kicking boots away. For more on that, please click here.)  They allow us to become our better selves and move on.

      Have a great, gracious, patient-with-yourself, characterologically growing, grateful day,

How About You?

1. What helps you to be patient with your progress?  

      For me, in addition to what I wrote above, it helps me to remember that the voices that would want to condemn me are liars. Yep, liars. Also, it helps me to know that God, my Higher Power does not cheapen himself by using shame, guilt or judgment to motivate me. He uses love, balanced with non-condemning truth. 

2. Focusing on the positive, where is an area that you have seen progress with your life? 

      I continue to be amazed at the equanimity I have, even when in very stressful situations. It boggles my mind and is very comforting to my body---stress, without recovery can kill serenity, tranquility and my emotional safety. 

Another related post:

Perseverance click here.

Progress Not Perf3cktion .......3/18/11

      Being gentle with ourselves is critical for our serenity.  Often, the negative voices we hear in our head are the critical comments we heard as a child.  We no longer need adults to say the shaming statements we grew up up with.  I agree, it's important to make amends when we've done wrong.  The surprise is learning that the first person we need to make amends to is ourselves.

     Risking, and allowing ourselves to make mistakes contributes big time, towards self-acceptance. The following passage I find helpful. Having this perspective helps us have an Attitude of Gratitude.

Progress can be hard to recognize, especially if our expectations are unrealistically high. If we expect our negative attitudes or unhealthy behavior to change quickly and completely, we're likely to be disappointed, progress is difficult to see when we measure ourselves against idealized standards. Perhaps it would be better to compare our present circumstances to where we had been in the past.

As I overcome inadequate coping strategies, I realize holding grudges hurts me. I now let go of resentments and Idespair when these attitudes persist. Fortunately, I've learned to focus on progress, not perfection. Although sometimesI still hold on to resentments, I know I'm making progress because I don't do it as often as I used to. I'm not resentful for as long a time. 

Today, I don't seek perfection; the only thing that matters is the direction in which I'm moving. As a result of hardwork I've done to work in this area of my life and a willingness to change, I am moving in a positive direction. I celebrate my progress today. I know that the process of personal growth will continue to help me grow toward a better way of living.

"Keep adding little by little and you will soon have a big  hoard."     Latin proverb

        Have a great and grateful weekend, freed from the stress of trying to attain something that is unattainable. Thanks for dropping by.  Please keep posting your gratitudes!

Responding, Not Reacting, Part I, Calmness in the Eye of an Emotional Storm ...................3/16/11

    The picture to the right  reminds us of the value of sheltering when facing life's storms.

    Recovery allows us do that when relating with angry, abusive people or any negative behavior.  This hap-pened yesterday to me.

       A critical part of personal growth can be participating with  Al-Anon Family Groups.  This resource provides emo-tional and mental support.  For more information, see the footnotes. 

       Surrendering boundaries hap-pens if  not care-ful. 

       To be intimi-dated, a natural reaction when rela-ting to an angry or manipulative indi-vidual.  Below re-veals my response when facing an agi-tated person yesterday.  

       I no longer please unpleasant people. 

       I don't bear the burden of another's misbehavior.  Nor do I submit to overbearing conditions.  For more about tak-ing care of ourselves, read this. 

       Yesterday, a humdinger of a day.  Lots of opportun-ities to become alarmed.  Relating with a volatile person does that. 

      With recovery, we notice our needs when relating with others.  For most of us, we did not respond this way as a kid.  Recovery helps us thrive and be emotionally strong during difficult cir-cumstances.

      Instead, we were taught the needs of others were more important than ours.  Not true.  As adults, we re-cognize this is a false belief.  

     Aware of the importance of noticing our behav-ior, thoughts, and feelings improves the quality of our lives.  When aware of our needs we can nurture them.  Having a healthy condition of our spirit and soul requires concentrated attention, being present.

"When we are aware of what is hap-    pening in the moment, we are no          longer lost in it."      Tarah Brach

      Our inner self lets us know if we neglect our needs.

      Happiness emerges when in touch with our emotions and wants and we require reciprocity, fairness, and balance when relating.  Considering the needs of others is essential for harmony. But we also take care of our needs, too.

        

                  Depression is our neglected psyche issuing a silent scream.  This negative, draining emotion informs us that we are not taking care of ourselves.  We are being a bad kitty.  Emotionally, our needs are not being met.

  

    While not depressed yes-terday, I yearned for tranquility. I lacked it.   I related with an out-of-control person.  

    Applying heal-thy principles permitted me to know emotional safety and calmness, even during the intense drama.  I'm listing them in today's gratitudes. 

 1.  I'm thankful it's best staying present when in a crisis.  It's better to respond.  This is way better than reacting. 

      When I react during an emotional storm, it's my loss.  I end up giving away big chunks of my values.  Trying to soothe the situation by giving in, is a bust.  Manipulators, angry or abusive others taste our vulnerability when we do this.  Bad idea.   

          This 's not my response now.  For more about dealing with Emotional Bullies, you might want to read this.  This link provides an excellent article: Words Do Hurt--Stop Bullying From Affecting Your Health. 
       

           Bullies are more than thugs who harass kids on school playgrounds.  They are not just those who oc-cupy the seamier parts of town.  They can be our adult siblings, spouse, boss, among others.  Yikes!

2.  As I get stronger, I am not rattled when "bad" things happen.  I don't let others determine my moods. 

3.  I'm grateful that---with practice---while enduring an-other person's emotional maelstrom, I can emotionally step aside, using emotional aikido. 

     I can pause, deciding my response.  This is what police, firefighters do.  Also true for those who work in psychiatric hospitals.  
     This is the best approach when facing a crisis.  Considering our options, asking, "What can I do to take care of the situation?"

4.  I'm thrilled that moments that years ago would have dis-turbed me can now be seen with humor.  I'm thankful for a viewpoint that sees through the prism of healthy principles.  This lens allows my joy to remain, even while enduring significant pressures. 

5.  I'm thankful for skills that allow me to thrive during moments that at one time overwhelmed me. 

     Yesterday, I detached, while remaining courteous, yet firm, towards a person who yelled at three different people, including the mailman (poor guy).  She had just smashed a flower pot, dirt, flowers and all, on the floor, smashing it to pieces, in her living room.

      If only she could have been a little more emotional. (I'm kidding.)

6.  I'm happy that, when witnessing this emotional melt-down, I was calm. 
     The muscles in my face were relaxed.  I spoke in a measured manner.  My heart rate, wasn't too elevated.  
      Of course adrenaline kicked in----I'm human.  During the drama, my options, I considered.  One of them was getting out of there, away from that person.

     It is good knowing I am not a helpless victim.  I have choices.  Doing what provided serenity, during an intense, un-pleasant mo-ment, was my priority.  

     After the episode settled down, I left.  Time elsewhere, enjoying hours free from emotional drama, doing something that nurtured me, was the tonic chosen.

Freedom
Not Letting Others Affect My Serenity or Joy 

         I'm fortunate that I don't allow others to determine my moods or define who I am.  That's being codependent.  For more about that, you might want to look at this. 

         When I need the applause of others to feel good about myself, I give them power over me. Not a good idea. (Cour-age to Change, Virginia Beach,  Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc., 1992, 9, Print) 

      I'm thankful that yesterday, when I had an opportunity to do spiritual weight lifting, I did.  For several reps, I calmly lifted the weight of a dramatic situation.  To-wards the emotionally intoxicated person, I was compassionate, yet detached.

        I've learned that pigeons do what pigeons do.  I've learned not to sit under a tree that has pigeons roosting in it.  I don't take a pigeon's behavior personally.  

       Angry people are caught up in their misery.  Many do not know how to express their needs.  Anger is a tragic expression of needs.  

       It either alienates, infuriates, or freezes those encoun-tering it.

     I'm glad every time I respond to abuse or drama, using healthy, compassionate, assertive princi-ples, I get strong-er.  It also gets easier, respond-ing from strength----not fear.  Also, acting this way in the future becomes more likely.

       It feels good, not being manipulated by anger---not caving into guilt, shame, blame, or fear.  When relating with others in a non-violent way, I'm placing principles above my personality.  Please see footnote 1. 
     

    My response yesterday, while in a maelstrom of someone else's emotional re-lapse is a huge change.  Abuse I endured as a child. Please see footnote 2.  My nature, before----and now, if I don't exercise the presence of mind which recovery from codependency offers----was passivity.  I'd either become frozen with fear or withdraw and isolate. Those were two ways of protecting myself. 

The fellow writhing in pain is suffering from
road rash: bits of stone are embedded in the
 flesh of his knee after falling off his bike.

       I once per-mitted abuse to shower upon me.  I felt I deserved it.  Now, I know that thought is an outright lie.  Once, I was a doormat.  Now, and yesterday, I got up off the floor. (Courage to Change, p. 361)

     Seeing myself emotionally maturing is gladdening.  Moving from being emotionally seven-years-old to that of a mature man is heartening.  That's "Progress, not perfec-tion."  And for that, I have an Attitude of Gratitude. 

How About You? 

What helps you to stay "centered" when you are pushed by the emotional storms of others? 

Footnote

1. Al-Anon Family Groups is an international organ-ization for friends and relatives of alcoholics, whether this person is actively drinking or  not. Click here to find a meeting near you. 

     It is in no way related to Alcoholics Anonymous.  This is an entirely separate organization, helping those who have been affected by the effects of alcohol in another. 

    Members learn how to deal with emotional abusers, less than pleasant bosses, intimidators, issues of control, per-fectionism, and other problem behavior characteristics often found where others are chemically dependent or emotionally repressed. Al-Anon Family Group (AFG) mem-bers learn to clean their side of the street, how to take care of themselves. 

    Even if a per-son doesn't relate with an alcoholic, attending may help that person recover from passivity, fear, self-loathing. Members learn healthy bound-aries are key for emotional health.  There are open meetings for those who want to learn more about this organization. 

2. "Looking within is essen-tial. We see the effects of another's drinking or abuse. For although we may have experienced difficulties and trauma in our formative years, it is actually the contin-uing reaction to these things that troubles our lives today. 

      We may have left the alcoholic [or abuser]. Be we may not have escaped the turmoil, guilt,  insecurity, rage, and fear we knew in our youth.  In fact, we may be suffocating in unhappy habits (or emotions), never realizing that another way, a spiritual way, could allow us to draw life-giving breaths of hope, friendship, and love. 

    "Awareness does not settle everything, nor does change happen overnight.  Spiritual growth takes  time. Making the "new" [our recovery from less than perfect circum-stances] a familiar and comfortable part of ourselves takes personal commitment and the support of others...to help us on our way."   From Survival to Recovery, p. 268. 

A Calming Perspective When in Turmoil (Also, Going Beyond Our Self-Imposed Limitations) .......3/16/11

       Good evening,

How are you?  For those new to this inn,  I ask if  you could share at least three gratitudes for today.
The following are mine:
1.  The fact that even though I may not control my circumstances, I can control how

Handling Stress and an Emotional Bully 3/14/11

In the famous words of the philosopher
 Alfred E. Newman, "What, me worry?

      This evening, I spoke.

       It's an interesting experience.  In school, I performed in plays. It's the same dynamic when giving a talk. The audience continuously interacts with me, in this case, as I shared my thoughts about "getting a life."

       Tonight, several attending stretched their necks as they listened. They had difficulty hearing, an effort made difficult because I'm soft-spoken.