I want to share a helpful tool, one taught to clients, the Feedback Formu-la. When someone troubles us, it helps expressing our feel-ings and needs. This formula lets others know our response if the problem persists. I learned this tool from Susan Campbell, author and psychologist.
An overview of the formula:
"When you do __X, (what-ever behavior)__, I feel _Y (state your emotions)_. If you continue to do _X (the behavior)_, I will do _Z_(the consequences)_."It is all about the Zs, the consequences.
A Specific Example:
That's X, the behavior.
"When you do that, I am irritated, annoyed."
That's Y, the feelings.
"If you continue to talk over me when we have a conversation...."
That's X, the behavior mentioned once again in this formula.
I finish my comment by saying,
"We will need to put a bookmark in our conversation until it has the balance, fairness and reciprocity it deserves."
That's the Z in this formula, the consequences.
We are not using life alienating communication. We are simply giving feedback, what is going on inside of us. In this example, we reveal our response to the disturbing behavior---being interrupted.
Also, just as vital, we express what we will do if the vexing behav-ior continues.
As is the case with developing any skill, practice is essential. Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Like learning a tune on a piano, doing regular practice produces progress. We im-prove.
It is critical to self-express.Like what they sing about in the Hokey Pokey, that is what the Feedback Formula is all about---saying what is alive, what is going within us. When communicating transparently, we are authentic. We are relating.
This is the opposite of being controlling.
The Feedback Formula Prevents Manipulation
We want to re-veal what happens within us when we encounter interac-tions that do not meet our needs. Some of these needs are emotional safety, closeness and appre-ciation. In the exam-ple above, I address my need for fairness, respect, a balanced conversation. I re-veal my need to be heard, not cut off, when having a con-versation.
This exercise reduces our frustrations. We are saying what we want. We are feeling what we want, when are needs are not being met.
We are insisting on what we need. In the example above, it is having a conversation that is balanced, where I can speak without the other person constantly interrupting. When we reveal what is going on inside of us, to safe people, the relationship thrives.
The Feedback Formula removes manipulation, managing out-comes. It creates authenticity, critical for relationships to grow and mature.
We believe we will create a stink if we stand up for what we believe. We fear the anger or disapproval of others.
Complying with others is not letting others know the real us that lives beneath the people-pleasing us. With authenti-city, genuine bonding takes place. Our relationships are satisfying.
We want others to know us for who we genuinely are. When that happens, bonding takes place at the highest level. It is soul-satisfying.
With true bond-ing, we encounter strength and grace. Life is invigorating. We internalize these character qualities we don't have on our own.
Healing happens.
Using the Feedback For-mula life is more fulfilling, less frus-trating. We are living life on life's terms. We are un-caged from pleas-ing others at the expense of not being our true selves.The wings of our authentic self unfurl.
Life is wonder-ful, we enjoy a presence of mind that honors our wants and feelings. It allows us to soar to heights in rela-tionships we have never known before.
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If you want to know other areas where we can experience personal growth---like today's example---let me know in your comments below. Thanks!
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