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| Image: "Scotland: Ben Nevis With His Hat On" |
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Several decades ago, I wrote to a friend I've known since twelve. A disappointment needed processing. The best approach: expressing our concerns.
Non-violent communication (NVC) helps. We get better results when expressing needs without using Life Alienating Communication (LAC). For more about this subject, read here.
The five forms of LAC involve blame, shame, fear, guilt, or judg-ment. Relationships improve when using NVC instead.
The letter worked: my friend responded to my needs. I strongly but nonviolently expressed what disturbed me and was needed in our re-lationship.
Our life im-proves when we take care of the needs beneath what troubles us. It involves stand-ing in our power, recovery and integrity. You can read here (the second half of this post), for additional thoughts.
We needn't be stuck or panic when life presents unwanted circumstances.
It's our responsibility, handling life's disappointments. Resentment builds if we expect others to read our minds or rescue us.
We have grown beyond being a child. Responsibility for effecting outcomes we want remains ours. The only person on earth who can make our needs our number one responsibility is ourselves. (Courage to Change, p. 229)
One key point: it helps seeking God's will, along with ask-ing Him for the power to carry it out. This reveals us applying Step 11 in recovery. If things don't go our way, we don't sulk..
We trust life's outcomes after our best efforts at following His will.
Asking God to do what we want demon-strates us asking him to perform our will, not His. He doesn't wear a flat cap. Our spiritual bellboy, at our beck and call, God never becomes, not matter how hard we try.
In Twelve Step recov-ery work, deciding to turn our life over to the God of our understanding exemplifies the Third Step. It grants us serenity. We will be happier campers.
Here's a crucial point: if I'm disturbed by a person or cir-cumstance, then I haven't turned that person or situation over to God. I'm still at square one, Step One, in recovery speak.
We'll be encouraged, seeing new legacies rooting in our lives, the result of exercising constructive actions. Expressing our needs, while being respectful towards others requires us-ing a difficult characterological skill, not taught to us as kids.
Our family should not be considered the only source of false values. Two other culprits made it difficult to express our values and needs. Churches and schools contributed to our social ineptness, as kids, too.
Unhealthy Principles Often Taught in Childhood:
1. Little ones must unquestioningly obey.
2. Expressing our opinion as child-ren cannot hap-pen.
3. To not speak, unless spoken to versus respecting what the child has to say.
4. Others know the needs of children better than them. Children need to trust and defer to the opinion of others, even if they disagree with the views pre-sented.
a. This demonstrates the beginning of being externally referented.
5. Children must ignore their feelings. They must comply, even if it doesn't feel right, because they should.
Often, yielding to this mentality makes children vulnerable to physical, emotional, and mental abuse.
6. Another false belief: disagreeing reveals disrespect. This idea becomes especially true if the other person has authority.
7. Passivity many times continues to be proclaimed as the right behavior for children.
Often, children experience coercion to open their minds, allow any values to be poured into them. These "truths," many of them toxic, cannot be challenged.
This attitude frequently endorsed as the example of a good child, student, and parishioner. This presents a prob-lem. Humans require individuality. We do not operate as robots. or puppets pulled by the controlling ways of others.
The above-listed unpalatable values existed then and can surface now. Holding onto our dignity and self-esteem, by swimming against the current of childhood authority figures, endangered us, leaving us vulnerable to punishment and shame while growing up. We face disappointment, the crushing of our spirit.
The values listed make us timid, not driven or confident. Defiance towards authority figures sub-jected us to discipline, and ridicule. Our independent self becomes tamed, squelched.
We want to live in relationships where we enjoy recipro-city, mutuality and independence. Being respectful while maintaining our individuality creates authenticity. It also provides peace of mind.
We will be happier when maintaining our dignity, while enjoying improved, balanced relationships.
Our vision clears, allowing us to make decisions fair for every-one, others, and ourselves. Frustration will be replaced with satisfying relationships. We enjoy freedom from the disease of codependency.
Expressing Our Voice
We have integrity when voicing our boundaries. We being at home with ourselves. Boundaries declare our values, likes and dislikes.
It lets others know the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that define who us. If we want to be happy, we need to be adults. Adults disagree with others. Boundaries provide equanimity, peace of mind, and emotion-al safety.
We risk disapproval when we use clear boundaries and re-member our worth is not based upon what others think of us. (Courage to Change, pps. 9, 118, 217)
Others can think and feel however they please about us. But we remain happiest when our behavior remains con-gruent with our internal clock. We enjoy greater satisfaction when we live in alignment with our world-view and values.
We will rattle others, though.
How About You?
1. What might prevent you from expressing your views?
2. What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child?
2. What allows you to overcome the negative conditioning you experienced as a child?
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