Drama on Father's Day, the Solution 6/24/21

 

    Last Sunday, Father's Day celebrations took place.  In two weeks the Fourth of July fireworks would be set off throughout our nation.  Little did I know fire- works would prematurely erupt at the restaurant table shared with my son. 

    Talk about intense drama. I did not need to watch a soap opera that day.  I'm thankful principles allow us to be ourselves, despite pressure to be otherwise. 

    Moving beyond the codependent training coerced upon us by our family, church, and school as a child provides a great source for happi-ness and sanity.  Staying true to our values strengthens self-esteem.  Living by healthy principles, we enjoy peace of mind even in the hail-storm of strong persuasions to surrender our beliefs to please others.

     Fathers Day, I felt that pressure while relating with my son.

Embracing Differences

     Surrendering our values makes us a fraud.  Without a recovery perspec-tive, to be accepted we believe we need to be a blue chamel-eon when with blue chameleons.  We want to fit in, be liked, and valued.  

     A problem arises when we do that.  We are purple when by ourselves. 

     We feel better when we live with integrity.  What we cherish does not get acknowledged when we present ourselves as blue, not our true selves.  We want to remain purple, regardless of the judgments that follow, like what happened with my son. 

    Integrity begins with accepting our purpleness.

     While with Pablo Jr., he told me his reaction---his feelings towards an observation I had, judging my character, the wrongness of me.  "That is what I feel," he said.

     I reminded him, "Feelings differ from facts.  Who I am does not rely on how you interpret my comments.  Often, our con-clusions and assumptions are the farthest from reality."

    "Our conclusions about others emerge from our projec-tions, not the truth," I said.

    "I do not like your insensitivity towards me," my son replied.

     I did not let him know how much he hurt me by saying that---I'm joking. 

    "I do not agree with your judgment. You do not know my thoughts when differing with you."   I replied.

   "Tell me what you imagine.  I can accept that. However, a mind reader you're not.  The number one person on earth who knows my feelings and thoughts when relating with anyone is me, not you."  I continued. 

    "Not my friends, your friends nor anyone knows what goes on within me when relating with someone,"  I concluded.  

    For emotional health---to enjoy emotional sobriety---we don't let others define us.  We don't let others determine our moods.  By doing that, we remain strong-ly centered.  

    Emotionally grounded we become when we feel our feelings and wants.  Serenity and peace of mind increases when staying true to our values, expressing what we feel, speaking up about what we want, being true to our purpleness.  When our standards become vio-lated, we let the offending party know. 

    This defines presence, being present. 

    Maturity means not needing approval.  Although enjoyable, when comfortable in our own skin, validation from others becomes un-necessary for our serenity.  If others don't agree with our values, that's fine.  

      With recovery, we no longer take responsibility for the feelings or opinions of others.  Their feelings and opinions define them and reflect their emotional property.  Our feelings and values define ours. 

     We can approve our actions and values.  We remain true to our boundaries, the guiding principles providing order to our lives.  We do not surrender what we hold dear. 

 

     We remain steadfast in our values.  This illustrates moving beyond codependency, we demonstrate maturity. 

    I disagreed with my son's conclusions about me while we downed a Margarita and lunched at La Penca Azul in Alameda.  I calmly, with a gentle smile, and soft voice resisted his guilting and shaming. 

     I  remained true to my values even though he paid for the lunch.  I stood my ground, even after he bought me a complete strawberry-rhubarb pie, my favorite, when we left Alameda for Shari's Pies in Castro Valley.  Maybe if he stopped treating me, I would be more agreeable. 

     Kidding, again.

     But I started to hear his speech differently.  Not for the words, but for what they told me about his current emotions and perspective.  Only then could we have a strong family and end the intergenerational trauma we inherited. 

     He appeared confused when we hugged and parted on Father's Day.  

     I want to support him emotionally, see the world from his per-spective, and provide an environment of nur-ture and love.  Then he will thrive and us, as father and son.  Such thriving does not mean my son's success at work, or in the communi-ty. 

    Thriving involves how well we function in our rela-tionships and what kind of dynamic, constructive, hope-ful person we can become. 

    What helps us get along with others requires knowing that having different perspectives does not mean someone expresses a wrong opinion.  We simply see things differently.  This perspective births enjoyable relationships, harmony, and ease. 

     Being confident regarding our perspective allows us to be true to our values, to be internally referented.  We maintain our position with-out needing anyone to agree.  Our position remains true because is true for us. 

     That is all that matters. 

    You may like vanilla ice cream.  I prefer orange sher-bet.  That does not mean one of us is wrong.  

    We simply have differ-ent tastes. 

    Yes, some actions must be inviolate, where we do not yield.  We do not permit mur-der, stealing, adultery, or lying.  It disrupts society. 

    But most differences are personal, like the flavor of ice cream we choose. 

     We can differ from one another and both be right.  When we realize this fact, we can fit in, as we are.  C.S. Lewis said cats and dogs should grow up together.  

     It widens their minds, he wrote.  Maturity--- not overreacting to the critical opinions, different perspectives, and comments of others---widen our hearts.  We embrace differences.  

     Recovery allows others to have their anger or different points of view without being affected by it.  This demonstrates EQ, reducing conflict, and provides greater peace of mind. 

     With EQ we get along with others.   We enjoy more tranquillity and emotional safety.  We also have a greater Attitude of Gratitude when relating with others.