Sunday, April 17

Saying What We Feel and Want: Being Present: Not Letting Others Poop On Us........ ...................4/17/16

     Someone puts your soul into a storm of turmoil. It looks like the clouds in this pic-ture to your left.

    Their put-downs make you want to find shel-ter and hide.  Embar-rassment
over-whelms you. Relating with this person makes you feel foolish, degraded.

     Or perhaps someone tore you down.  You feel insignificant.  You exist as a molecule in this relationship.  They have a one-up relationship with you.

     Fed up and disgusted, you want to scream.  Violently.  You want to punch this person in the nose.  What do you do?

    Tonight, I reveal the beginnings of being present.  I share how we can take care of ourselves by using this process.

   When a negative relationship is part of our lives, we want to:
1. Sit with our feel        -ings about this      person.
2.  Determine the needs beneath what troubles us.
3.  Say what we feel and want.

Checking In With Our Feelings

       First is sitting with our feelings.  This is emotional resiliency.  Fleeing negative feelings  or circumstances is the opposite: emotion-al fragility.  Sometimes the carpet of good will in a relationship is pulled at its foundation.  A power struggle emerges.   It is our choice how we respond.

      Resiliency is surfing the negative pulls and stretches we encounter.  We ride the scary waves of conflict or difficult times.  This is equa-nimity.  Instead of falling when the rug of circumstances get pulled beneath, we ride the challenge we face.  This is remaining present.

       Calmness and peace of mind we have.  Feeling overwhelmed is not our response to stress.

       Riding negative emotions can be a magic carpet mystery tour.  It happens when we address what troubles us.  This approach can be ours when facing perilous circumstances or negative emotions.  Responding with an adaptable attitude provides:

1.  Healing.
2.  Strength
3.  Confidence.

     Being present allows us to stay with what ails us.  When we sit with our feelings we don't ignore negative emotions.  We connect with them.  This is self-mourning.  This is validating our feelings.

     Often as children, many of us were forced to ignore our feelings.  For many, we were groomed to think it was wrong being angry or to disagree.  This was especially true when relating with our parents, teachers or authority figures.

     Sitting with our feelings is validating what is alive within us.  It is exercising self-compassion. The only way moving away from negative feelings is by going through them.

     We face them.

      It is the only way we get resolution. If we hide from negative feelings or experiences, they stay with us.  They become specters that haunt us, depriving us of the vibrant life we want and deserve.

      However, we don't stay there.  We.....

Look For the Needs: Step Two

     Secondly, we determine the needs beneath our feelings.  If someone puts us down---for example---some needs not met may be: emotional safety, dignity, respect, ease, balance, fairness or peace of mind.

The Third Step: Making  a Request

     Thirdly, we say what we feel and want.  In the scenario depicted, we can say:

     "When you talk to me this way (they were putting us down), I imagine you do not realize how this affects my feelings.   My story is you focus only on your needs."

      Now the request:

  "Would it be pos-sible for you to speak respectfully towards me?  I have a need for balance. Just as I am respectful to-wards you, I need you to equally show dignity towards me."

      We said what we felt and wanted.

       But notice, we did not use blame. Nor did we use shame, guilt, fear or judgment to motivate the person.  We applied assertive honesty.   We said what we wanted but were respectful also. But note we do not let others poop on us when they try to.  (See footnote.)

       When we know how to use this type of emotional and verbal aikido, we develop a stronger Attitude of Gratitude.   We enjoy life more fully.

       We assume our role as adults. No longer accepting one-down relationships.  We live as an equal with every other adult on earth.  And. It. Feels. Good.

     The opposite of assertive honesty is aggressive honesty.  We often use this form when aggravated----angry.  It is honesty.  Often brutally so.  Aggressive honesty does not show respect towards the person spoken to. 

      Many think this form of honesty is the most direct.  It isn't.  It is the least direct.  For as we lambast that person, they can't hear us.  All they take in is that we reject them.  

      We judge them. Our tone and the viciousness that often comes out when using this type of honesty only creates walls.  It only makes people resentful or fearful.  How productive is our speech if that is their reaction?  Not at all. 

      A person receiving aggressive honesty is unable to hear us.  Their mind is usually distracted by the verbal assault. 


Thumper said...

Hello Pablo,

What an excellent post! Recently, I have been practicing sitting with my feelings and feeling them fully and then discovering my needs underneath. I am noticing how lighter I feel as I let these feelings surface instead of brushing them aside or minimizing them. Healing is my reward if I keep this up!

Anonymous said...

Hi Pablo,
What I've been finally giving myself is permission to admit that my childhood was not my fault. There's lots of freedom in that.
I'm learning to grieve what I went through during my childhood of codependency. I've shed some tears, and I keep telling myself, "Why not? You've gone through enough. Don't you think?" It's ok to mourn.
Thank you

Doña said...

Since this is the Attitude of Gratitude Inn, I want to express my gratitude to the innkeeper for this wonderful blog.

Sitting with, even leaning into my feelings is not something I was ever, ever taught or something I had even heard of in all my life (tho’ it might seem old hat to you). Having compassion and self-healing these emotions is a first for me also. I DID NOT know you could do that! OMiGosh!!!!

Thank you also for the examples of elegant but truthful replies to unfeeling people. Now, it’s off to practice this and apply this healing balm. . .

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