Kisses For a Son 5/29/16

         Some friends and I visited this morning.

        We stood in a circle outside, surrounded by trees.  The cool breeze wafting around, a won-derful respite from yes-terday's hot weather.

        Someone new to me walked by, then dropped in, joining us.  Everyone knew each other.  The odd man out, you know who.

      That's okay.  The unknown woman heard about me.  She checked me out.

        No.  Not that way.

      Her pain robbed

10 Benefits When We're Gentle Towards Ourselves 5/23/16

         “The six most important words:'I admit I made a mis-

take.' The five most important words: 'You did a good 

job.' The four most important words: 'What is YOUR 

opinion?'  The three most important words: 'If you

 please.'  The two most important words: 'Thank You.' 

The one most important word: 'We.' The least

 important word: 'I.' ”   Author Unknown     

 Image: The California coast: Point Reyes 

        Showing grace towards ourselves.  

      We are lucky when there are opportunities to practice pa-tience. We want to especially be this way towards our-selves. Driven and motivated, we may be. 

      Helping others, improving our community, and enjoying life thoroughly operating on all cylinders. Even more than most.  We want to make our life count. We don't care to be a loafer. 

     For many, our drive since youth was prompted by insecurity.  We had a strong need for approval.  We weren't affirmed enough to know we have value simply because we breathe the breath of humanity.

      Each of us has an amazing personality like none other on earth or at any additional time in history. It is difficult seeing we are uniquely crafted. Personal growth helps us to accurately see our worth. 

     It is not humility, denigrating ourselves.  Humility is accurately seeing the areas needing growth and our strengths, giving ourselves credit. 

      With recovery, we discover peace and serenity. This happens when we realize we are humans, not circus ani-mals. We are free from jumping through hoops, seeking applause through performance. 

      When we feel comfortable with our likes, dislikes, dreams, wants, and choices, we are comfortable in our own skin, able to risk disapproval from others.  

      Recovery helps us see the good in ourselves.  Faults and weaknesses do not define us.  We view them as areas needing growth, that's all. 
    
     Knowing God's love and enjoying self-forgiveness helps us move beyond being stuck.  They are essential and often neglected antidotes for depression.  The support received from our network of emotionally healthy friends and healthy principles is critical, too. 

     Each undergirds us.  They grow our confidence.  These reliable pillars of support can be leaned upon when we are tested emotionally or physically.  

     Recovery allows us to reframe areas needing growth from a positive perspective.  

     Replacing inadequate thoughts and behavior with new and better qualities---which is the core of recovery---silences the voice of the critical, demanding, Tyrannical Ideal Self.  Cultivating the Compassionate Ideal Self is the foundation of recovery. 

     With it, we gently address our vulnerable, undeveloped parts graciously, patiently, with humor, too.  No longer are they viewed with frustration or despair---as ugly parts defining who we are. 

      Recovery begins with viewing our vulnerable areas with positivity.  We see them as areas where we can grow! 

       Emotional maturity hap-pens when we treat ourselves with kindness.  We see our lives getting better.  We recognize our progress.  

        As we do an inventory of the past month, six months, or year, we look for the growth in our character, personal strength, and resilience.

       We want to be patient with ourselves.  It helps to remember growth happens in millimeters, not inches, yards. 

       "Progress, not perfection," is our outlook. 

       Recovery is being kind towards our character defects.  We say, "That's okay, sweetie," when viewing areas needing characterological growth.  That's a significant improvement from the hateful, critical voice of the Tyrannical Ideal Self. It condemns us if we allow it to speak. 

        Personal growth uses healthy, affirming alternative perspectives and actions to heal tortuous sabotaging thoughts and behavior.  Instead of giving in to social pressure, we remind ourselves that:

 "When the applause of others is the reason for our behavior and neces-sary for us to feel satisfied, then we have given them power over us."                        Courage to Change, p. 9

        For many, sinister, condemning voices were born from home, school, and church judgments.  They are now muted by the ongoing affirmation from a loving God and recovery principles, like the quote above.   The hateful voice of self-loathing is muted. 

       How?  By relating with caring, supportive friends. 

       When we are compass-sionate towards the areas within us needing growth, this wounded part of us comes out from the shadows of shame, self-judgment, and guilt.  It emerges from the belfry of isolation and fear. We want to be kind towards the Hunchback of Notre Dame of our vulnerable selves. 

        Our less-than-best parts of ourselves experience healing.  It enjoys transformation.  Why?  Because the wounded parts of us are tended to by the loving Esmeralda of grace. 

I know it's hard to see, but she has a water
skin bottle in her right hand. Please click on
 the link below to view this scene.

      We want to love our warty, unattractive, frail inner selves.  Sensing condemna-tion, the vulnerable parts of us that dwell within will flee and hide.  When that happens, no healing takes place. 

       Looking at areas where we want to grow is loving ourselves.  We are removing splinters from our souls.  We replace the negative default areas in our life with new and better qualities.  It is a time of healing regeneration.  

      The tendency of youth is being full of self-judgment hurts.  Every time we use recovery tools in our lives, we create a better today.  We are moving beyond past pain by staying in the solution. 

Being gracious towards ourselves has benefits:
1.  We are happier.
2.  We experience less depression. 
3.  Condemning ourselves diminishes.
4.  We are more motivated. 
5.  We sleep better. 
6.  We draw better friends into our lives.  How can we have others who respect us if we don't respect ourselves? 
7.  We are less defensive.  
       a.  We are more comfortable in our own skin. 
       b.  We get along with others more easily.

"Condemning my imperfections has never enhanced my appreciation of life nor has it helped me to love myself more."

                              Courage to Change, p 19

8. We have an Attitude of Gratitude because we are kinder towards ourselves and others.  
9.  Grace permeates our lives.  
    We begin asking, "How important is it?"  Circumstances that once irritated are now seen for what they are: not worth losing our serenity. 
10. As we grow in gentleness towards ourselves, our compassion towards others increases. We give what we have received ourselves.

 How About You?

a. How are you when the dragons of despair raise their heads in your soul? 
b. What do you find as healthy alternatives to frustration, disappointment, or self-loathing? 
c. What do you do that allows you to be gentle towards your weaknesses?
d. What silences the critical Tyrannical Ideal Self screams at you? 

Moving On With Life: The Three A's Revisited 5/18/16

"You can't undo anything you've already

 done.  But you can face up to it.   You can tell 

the truth. You can seek forgiveness.  And let

 God do the rest."            Unknown

 The Value of Awareness

       We celebrate the sanity en-joyed when we look at life real-istically. 

      This is aware-ness.  It's a good start, but incom-plete.  It's eighty-eight percent of the answer when deal-ing with problems.   There's no remedy without first seeing the issue.

       Awareness helps us overcome life's challenges and disappoint-ments.  It helps us see progress.  When our learning curve spikes upwards there's no better encouragement.

       With greater awareness, circumstances that once lingered, for months----perhaps years---are now dealt with quickly.  We begin to thank God for quicker personal growth.

Rooting Out the Problem
The Vital Need for Acceptance

      It's vital going beyond awareness, seeing the problem.  Acceptance takes place next.  This is taking the perspective awareness provides.  

      Acceptance is dealing with its emotional impact.  This step is often ignored.  If we don't take this action, we are only trimming the shrub of our problems.  We are not rooting it out.  The problems will grow back.

       Acceptance is getting in touch with the issue at the visceral lev-el. It involves five steps.  It is:
1.  Seeing the vexing area.
2.  Feeling our re-sponse.
3.  Taking our feelings a step further. We grieve the loss involved.
4.  Letting the negative sentiments go---often through forgive-ness.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.
5.  Seeing what steps we can take next. This is looking at our options.

      Acceptance helps remove ten percent of the problem.  Did you notice?  Acceptance is not acceptance with resignation. "Oh, this is my lot in life.  I'll have to tolerate it."

      Here's a critical point: many go straight from awareness to action. "I see the problem, and now, this is what I need to do....."  and design an action plan.  Bad idea.

      When we respond this way we are only operating mentally.  We are going rational.  The heart level is not addressed. With-out acceptance, the problem isn't rooted out.

      When was the last time we made time, determining why we isolate?  When have we done an inventory of  a perturbing area?  When have we made the time to root out festering resentments?  When have we looked at steps that overcome the torture of self-loathing?

      We need to connect at the gut level. If we want to heal our pain.  That doesn't happen if we go rational, as most of us do.  Negative feelings just don't disappear, if ignored. 

      It is wise looking for the payoff for our unhealthy behavior.  When have we investigated our thinking, checking for false beliefs?   It's emo-tionally healing, uncovering our motives.  We don't do anything if there isn't a reward.

       There's a key point regarding acceptance.  We don't have the psychological or emotional distance to clearly see areas needing growth.  We need friends who accept us.  When we fail, they are compassionate.

       We thrive when surrounded by friends who loves us.   Yet they challenge us.  With hard questions.  This is what's needed if we want to dig out problemed areas in our lives.

       We cannot experience healing if we go it alone. 

The Shoe Leather of Personal Growth

        Awareness of what triggers us is helpful.  Handling the emotions that surface---meeting the needs beneath them is critical too.  That's acceptance.

        But next step is critical.  It is applying the shoe leather of practical action.  We want to make efforts that support meeting our need for thriving, balance, and peace of mind.

        Donning the shoes of practical principles and actions help us.  They protect us when we are out walking in the street of life.  Principles assist us in handling life's demands.

        They enable us to overcome the vulnerable, co-dependent parts of our personality. We want to apply healthy alternatives.  We want to move away from unhelpful default modes.  We want to replace unsuccessful former approaches with new and better behavior.

        Practical principles permit us to tread upon the gravelly aspects of life without being harmed.

       Action is the remaining two percent needed for handling painful areas. There you have it, the Three A's.  Awareness deals with the head, acceptance with the heart and action with the feet (what we do).  Applying healthier alternatives---staying in the solution---helps us move beyond what were once monuments of our past pain.

       We will enjoy better relationships, sanity, serenity, emotional health, and ease.

How About You? 
Which of the three A's are you using to deal with a rocky area in your life?

Inventorying The Past Week ........... 5/15/16

       Highs for the past week.  This is an inventory of the last seven days.
Highs:
1.  Confronted fears.  I did not allow emotions to overrule common sense.
2.  I ran five miles on Monday and walked for another six on that day.  It has been years since I have run this far.  Good news: didn't feel sore at all, afterwards.

     I walked for six miles for four days.  I ran for 4.5 miles for the remaining two.  It feels good.  It is de-stressing me.

3.  Enjoying teaching a couples workshop.  Last week was the fifth week.  This week it ends.   I love what I do.  Even better, I am thrilled for how the workshop is helping others to draw closer to their partner.

     They are learning how to truly be intimate: being present, authentic, and saying what they feel and want.
4.  I took charge over an area that was overrunning me.  A manipulative person was affecting my serenity.   I detached from the situation.  I looked for my options.  I felt much better, not letting her to disrepect me by her controlling behavior.
5.  I was texted by someone.  Not replying right away makes me happy.  I enjoy not letting social media consume my time or dictate when I will reply to texts or e-mails.  I love the freedom and autonomy I exercise when I do not measure up to the expectations of others.

    I live my by internal standards.  How others consider me or what they expect from me does not determine what I will do.  I am internally referented.

    Monday, I will update this and share my lows for the previous seven days. 

Agitated .............. 5/11/16

         Miracle-Gro being poured upon me..

        Against my de-sire to rest, like a student in his first day at college, en-countering a lot of instant learning. More than I want.  More than makes me comfortable. 

        This happens when assaulted with many demands.  It occurs when we experience a multitude of failures.  Being the Attitude of Gratitude guy, I see things from a positive point of view, even during the rough-est times.

        Failure and disappointment do not define us.  Instead, re-silient people look at setbacks and learn from them.  Then they move forward.

        If thrown back once again and we fail, IT DOES NOT DEFINE US.  It is no big deal. 

        I don't care for it, but disappointment and pressure has been my lot.  Taxed---emotionally, mentally, physically, for the past two weeks.

        As an awkward and wobbly elderly person leaning on a walker to get around illustrates how steady I feel, right now.

         Topping it off, I experienced a sucker punch Tuesday.  Shocked.  Afterwards, throughout the day, I reeled.  

         I was a cat caught in a dark alley surrounded by dogs.  Couldn't think straight.  Ready to pounce.

     Fear filling my every pore.

     Worn-down, in HALT, my current condition.  The re-sult of hard work.  I become consumed with hidden tasks that go beyond ses-sions with clients.  

      Poor sleep adds to my weariness.  Demands shout at me.  Gearing my work in new ways drains me emotionally.  

      The laundry of my life being resorted, making life discombobula-ting, disorienting.  All this takes place  as I take steps to better serve my clients.

      Tuesday, for several hours, visions of doom took over.  Not my us-ual state of mind.  Making it worse, there appears to be no answers for my troubles.

       Except for two.

1.  Slowing down.  We need to be deaf to what clamors for attention.  We want to make time to take care of ourselves.

      When we find ourselves in the hur-ricane of life, we need to make sure we are at our strongest. Rest, sleep, good, nutritious meals and exercise help us weather stormy times.  

      We want to be aware when we are in HALT.  We want make efforts to slow down.  We are better off when we judiciously use our time.  

     This requires not letting E-mails consume our attention. We do not  what to let them claim highest priority, even though they assault us daily.  We also want to remain deaf to barraging text messages and con-stant phone calls that bully us throughout the day.

2.   We get better when we acknowledge Step One, in recovery. 

 "We admitted that we are powerless over ____  (fill in the blank)  that our lives have become unmanageable."                     Step 1.

      It helps recognizing our powerlessness.  We've no control over the pronouns in our life: people, places, and things.  It humbles us, recognizing life's unmanageability.  We do not have control over everything.

     Being present is the better alternative.  It allows us to surf whatever circumstantial waves that slap at us. 

      We cannot handle the demands of life, alone, a humbling fact.  An antidote is relying upon our Higher Power and our community of emo-tionally healthy friends. These are the ones where we enjoy braided relationships with gracious people.  

   

      Our Higher Pow-er and friends are the strands that hold together the rope of our life. These strands help us internalize grace and strength we need but do not have when we are assaulted by life's storms. 

       Grace and personal strength flee from us when we are overwhelmed by life's demands and difficulties. 

      Growth happens when we embrace negative realities and consider our options.  We do not submit to degrading or exhausting situations.  We want to show kindness towards the struggles we face.  

       We ask,  "What can I do, to show kindness towards the challenge before me. How can I stay in the solution, meeting my needs?"  This attitude demonstrates resiliency.  

       This is embracing negative realities.  We hug the Wild Things that comes our way.  We work on our weaknesses and difficulties until they become our strengths.