Everyone thinks differently which at
times create conflict when spending time with others..
Our past painful experiences, leave emotional baggage. The combination of these factors---differing opinions and our baggage----makes us rife with buttons and triggers. They are set off when relating with others.
Recovery is saying what we mean. We also mean what we say, but not we do not say it meanly.
Healthy principles are used instead of yielding to anger or passivity. We are true to our values. We stand by them, even when pressured to overlook or sur-render what we hold dear.
In other words, we are codependent-free.
Our relational muscles strengthen when we are authentic.
We demonstrate maturity when we stand in our power. It a beacon reflecting the integrity we have with our values. We are not yielding to the whims of intimidating or controlling others, ignoring our needs.
The road of life has bumps and dips---our conflicts with others. Noticing our intent smooths this relationship road. Are we connecting with the other person in order to relate? Or are we trying to control the outcome of our relationship with others?
Life is easier when we are connected with emotionally ma-ture, supportive others. These are our Balcony People. See footnote. They provide perspective.
When airing concerns with our supportive network, challenges are less disturbing. We enjoy emotional support. Relationships are key to thriving.
Recovery reminds us during difficulties, it is critical placing principles above the vulnerable parts of our personality. Many times in recovery we are at Step 1. That is, our life has become unmanageable.
This is when Step 2 is handy. This is leaning on a power greater than ourselves that restores us to sanity. It is seeing circumstances for what they are.
It is moving beyond defensive hope. We replace fantasy with recovery-based acceptance. We see our difficult circumstances realistically.
Step 2 is accepting the truth. We move beyond fantasy and defensive hope.
It helps being gentle towards ourselves. Acknowledging the healthy steps we are taking---even if they are tiny, moves us towards progress. It helps us be patient with ourselves.
As we get stronger, we become more comfortable becoming true to our values, dreams, and decisions. We realize it is okay to disagree. We process conflicts that once were disturbing."Perhaps I can let go of all condem-nation for this one day. I will recognize that I am on a spiritual path of self-improve-ment. Every tiny step I take on that path moves me closer to wholeness, health, and serenity." Al-Anon Family Groups Inc., Courage to Change, 2nd Edit., Virginia Beach, 1992, 19. Print.
For more insight and skills that help when encountering a difficult or frustrating situation, click here.
During conflicts, the following is helpful:
After years of letting people take advantage of me, I had built up quite a store of anger, resentment, and guilt . …. So many times I wanted to bite off my tongue after saying,“yes, “ when I really wanted to say, “no.” Why did I continue to deny my own feelings just to gain someone’s approval? ….
The answer became apparent: What I lacked was courage. Was I willing to try to learn to say, “no,” when I meant no? Was I willing to accept that not everyone would be thrilled with this change? Was I willing to face the real me behind the people-pleasing image? Fed up with volunteering to be treated like a door mat, I squared my shoulders and answered, “Yes.”
..... Do I make a conscious choice about what I say? And when it is appropriate, do I say what I mean and mean what I say? If not, why not? All I have to offer anyone is my own experience of the truth.
We are the average of the five people we hang out with. Let's make sure these individuals are emotionally mature, kind and positive. We deserve relationships like that, we really do.‘There is a price that is too great to pay for peace… One cannot pay the price of self-respect.' Woodrow Wilson Courage, 207
How About You?
What spiritual weightlifting have you been doing? Where are you been placing principles above your personality?
What a gift it has been, seeing my supportive family expand, as time goes by. Not only have I a flesh-and-blood family, but an expanded family due to others who are a part of my life. They are my Balcony People.
These dear ones love and accept me unconditionally. They are in the grandstands of my life. They cheer me on, as I run the marathon of life.
They don't give advice. They share their experience, strength and hope instead. They empathize and are available. And that is enough.
Image: Countryside: "Wintry Pastoral" by Tim Blessed. All rights reserved, used by permission.
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